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Upset over a siituation, but I think I may just need a reality check (long, sorry)

FILs and I generally have a good relationship, but alas, all relationships have their moments.  This is one for me, and I'm pretty sure I just need some reassurance and a nice little kick in the buns.

FILs graciously offered us money for our budget, specifically for our guest list and flowers, as FI wanted to expand those areas and we just didn't have the funds.  We agreed, accepted the strings that I knew were going to come with them, and went on our merry way.  Things had been find until FI and I decided to book a limo, which is going to end up costing us roughly half of what FILs have added to our budget.  They were very upset, and I asked FI to discuss with them why, thinking perhaps they thought we were going to use their money to get a limo instead of the flowers or extra guests - we're not.  (If you are interested in where that money is coming from, I decided a limo was something I really wanted, and picked up some extra overtime work at the office.  As well, my birthday is coming up, and I've decided to use money I receive from my relatives to help pay for the limo).

FI spoke to them, and they indicated a belief that I - not FI and I, just me, SweetPea - have been placing deposits on credit cards - specifically, FI's cards - and/or thinking about taking out a new loan to cover the cost of the limo, and this is not okay with them.  They don't want us to start our new life together in debt.  FI explained that is not the case, reassured them their money will be going where they want it to go (they have control of it and were given the vendor's contact information to work out payments of their portion), and that, he says is the end of the discussion.

I am a bit hurt, however, that this was their conclusion on how we are getting the money.  I've been very open and honest with anyone who's asked about where our money for this wedding is coming from - 95% of it is coming from half off my paycheck every two weeks being deposited into a separate savings account.  If they had wanted to know, all they had to do was ask.  Since FI says the discussion is closed, and since they are his parents, that is how it will stay, but how do I kick myself over the hump of disappointment that they thought so little of me?  I do not want to make this an issue in the future.

Edited to change the FMIL in the beginning to FILs, as it is both of them I am having the slight issue with, not just FMIL.

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Re: Upset over a siituation, but I think I may just need a reality check (long, sorry)

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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can understand being aggravated. Your finances are really none of their concern except where their money concerns them (flowers and guests). After that, you and your FI are big kids now and need to learn from your own ways and mistakes and they need to stay out of it. Especially if they have no proof whatsoever.

    Parents are like that sometimes, though. I'm sure maybe your parents jumped to conclusions about you or your FI, even though it wasn't necessarily warranted. If it's not a normal thing for them, I'd chalk it up to poorly handled concern and let it fall by the wayside...cause you're right. This is not something you need to be upset about for more than maybe 48 hours.
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    SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't say you need a reality check, if someone were to doubt how I spent money and think I was freeloading off my FI-I'd be pissed too! It sounds like you're going about the money you're spending wisely. The money your ILs gave you guys is indeed going to the intended recipient.

    This seems like it was a brainfart moment on their part. But, in the case that they bring it up again, FI can again explain that deposits weren't put on his cards and say that the deposit money came from your savings account, overtime money, birthday money etc.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd say if your FIL's inquire again, your FI needs to tell them that it's none of their damn business where the money is coming from as long as it's not theirs. He already graciously explained to them the situation. Once is a bit of a breach in etiquette (inquiring about the finances of two grown about to be getting married people). Twice is just being nosy. It doesn't SOUND like your ILs will bring it up again as your FI (hopefully) made it crystal clear that yours and his spending habits are well under control. But just in case it happens, don't be afraid to be more firm about it. It's best to set these boundaries now rather than later.
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    As PP , I think it could have been a brainfart on the part of the FILS.  Hopefully, they won't bring it up again.

    You sound very responsible, working extra hours for the extras at your wedding and perhaps FI should point that out to them.

    I can't think of any other advice.

    GL!
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    kimp67kimp67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_upset-over-siituation-but-think-may-just-need-reality-check?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fe1daa3e-b267-463e-a98c-fc2852e9d146Post:467668b2-6796-4b9e-917b-01d85f41b2f9">Re: Upset over a siituation, but I think I may just need a reality check (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd say if your FIL's inquire again, your FI needs to tell them that it's none of their damn business where the money is coming from as long as it's not theirs. He already graciously explained to them the situation. Once is a bit of a breach in etiquette (inquiring about the finances of two grown about to be getting married people). Twice is just being nosy. It doesn't SOUND like your ILs will bring it up again as your FI (hopefully) made it crystal clear that yours and his spending habits are well under control. But just in case it happens, don't be afraid to be more firm about it. It's best to set these boundaries now rather than later.
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

    THIS exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    edited December 2011
    You are not the one who needs a reality check. They need to realize that their son is an adult.

    If this is the first time they have intruded into your financial business, I think your fi handled the situation correctly. He let them know that their money is being used as they intended, that the two of you are responsible adults and that is the end of the discussion. Very well done.

    I don't blame you for being annoyed, SweetPea, but as long as they don't interfere again, you should probably just try to let go of it. If you've always had a good relationship with your fil's, give them the benefit of the doubt - this time.
                       
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    edited December 2011
    It's just something you need to let go.  I think you are justified in being upset by it, but now just let it go and move on.

    My MIL seems to have a permanent attitude like that towards me.  It's just something I've come to accept so when she does/says things like that, I just let it go.
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here's my take:

    >>FI spoke to them,

    Right.  They are FI's parents, and FI needs to deal with them.

    >>and they indicated a belief that

    What?  FI should have spoken to them, straightened this out, and told you simply, "Yes SweetPea, I talked to my parents and everything is fine.  They are just being overprotective so that you and I don't get stretched beyond our means or way in debt over this wedding.  Everything is fine now."

    What he did was tell you every single thing they said and everything he said, so that you have a bad taste over all of this.  He needs a better filter.
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    tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That seems like such a bizarre conclusion for them to jump to out of the blue. Is there some history with them that would lead them to think that? But beyond that, even if it's true, if you and your FH decided to put deposits on credit cards, that's your decision. And that must be a hell of a limo you're getting that someone would think you'd need a loan to fund it!
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_upset-over-siituation-but-think-may-just-need-reality-check?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fe1daa3e-b267-463e-a98c-fc2852e9d146Post:af40ef5b-ed02-459a-a8d6-c5c8f2d94877">Re: Upset over a siituation, but I think I may just need a reality check (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's my take: />>FI spoke to them, Right.  They are FI's parents, and FI needs to deal with them. >>and they indicated a belief that What?  FI should have spoken to them, straightened this out, and told you simply, "Yes SweetPea, I talked to my parents and everything is fine.  They are just being overprotective so that you and I don't get stretched beyond our means or way in debt over this wedding.  Everything is fine now." What he did was tell you every single thing they said and everything he said, so that you have a bad taste over all of this.  He needs a better filter.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    What the heck are you talking about? He doesn't need to shield her from what they said. She has every right to know what they think and has every right to have been upset about it. If they're embarrassed by her knowing or anything like that, then they should learn to mind their own business. If my FI purposely didn't tell me that his parents thought I was irresponsible when they explicitly said so, I would be more pissed with him than the ILs.
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