Choosing Bridesmaids-LONG post but in need of advice!

juicygirl16

I have yet to be engaged, but it will be coming up soon.  I'm asking this now because I am concerned that when it does happen and I spread the news, some of my friends may assume that they are in the wedding party, yet I really haven't made a final decision.

The best advice I've gotten is not to say anything yet so that I don't give anyone the wrong impression.  While this is excellent advice, it is a little too late for that.  All my friends and I have always talked about "when we get married" and what we would do.  As a result of including them in these conversations, I have told them that I would love to have everyone (this ends up being around 10 girls) as my bridesmaids.

Here is the issue: all of my friends come in groups of 3-4.  So I feel like if I ask one girl, it is difficult to leave the others out.  Truthfully, I DO want them all to be included, but I just don't know how I feel about having that many girls up there, especially when my boyfriend/soon to be fiance will not have near that many groomsmen.  I'm anticipating having about 150 guests...so I feel like having a group of 6 would be proportionate.

I DO NOT want to hurt anyone's feelings, yet it's my wedding and I feel that I am entitled to do things the way I/we want.  I am concerned about a couple girls in particular getting their feelings hurt, and these couple of girls would definetly be the first few "cut" from the list, so I don't know what to do about that.

I want to hear any advice anyone has to offer.  I guess I am a real people-pleaser and cannot stand to see my friends feel upset or left out, yet I feel like maybe having those conversations in past may have been not the best idea on my part.  What do I do?!  How do I split up groups of friends???  How do I explain that I didn't even want to have to make the decision?

Please help!

Simply Fated

Choose the people closest to you. That's my advice.

Also, you have plenty of time to decide and even though you want to get a head start, you still have plenty of time for things to change. A lot can happen from now until then, so although it's fun to daydream about what will be, you're digging your grave by already discussing these things with your friends. Take a break from doing that.

I kinda kow how you feel... my friend and I were always under the assumption that she would be my maid of honor, but then another friend now assumes she is going to be my maid of honor just because I was HER maid of honor... and really, I just want my mom as maid of honor. And I'm not even engaged, lol.
My point is, I'm telling you from someone who understands what you're going through, don't stress about it just yet.

mkrupar

You're kind of putting the cart before the horse here. You're not even engaged yet. That being said, you choose those that are closest to you. No one should hold you to a converstaion prior to any type of engagement or serious relationship where you happened to mention you would like to have them in your BP. They should understand that you can't have everyone up there with you. If they're going to get upset about not being able to buy a dress and walk down the aisle, it's their loss. I personally much prefer being a guest than a BM. Remember, being a guest is an honor as well.

jerseydevil

Whatever you do, don't choose until  you're 6-9 months before the wedding.

aerinpegadrak

Set a date, book a venue, then figure out who your bridesmaids are.  Even if your relationships don't change, your plans might.  I say this as someone who had to replan her entire wedding around the fact that our initial plans went up in smoke and I still had 11 total attendants to account for.  There is absolutely NO good reason to ask this early, and approximately 2.6 billion excellent reasons to wait.

Also, don't come up with some number that you feel would be "proportionate" and try to fill slots.  Your guest list and your attendant roster have nothing to do with each other.  We ended up with 40 total guests, including those 11 attendants, and it worked out just fine.  I've also seen massive weddings of 300 or more with only one attendant per side.

When the time comes (no earlier than a year before your scheduled date, preferably closer to 9 months), ask yourself who would be the first people you'd call at 3am in an emergency?  If you had to cut your guest list down to just your WP, who are the people that you couldn't imagine getting married without?  Ask them.  If that's 10 people, that's 10 people.  But no reasonable person would hold you to a childhood promise regarding your wedding party.

cyn1812000

My advice is to ask only the one's you really want as your WP.  I went by child hood promises and who I had know the longest (also a family member) as my MOH and unfortunately I'm regretting it.  You shouldn't spend the time planning your wedding worried about if everyone else is happy with your decisions.  It's your day and everyone should be understanding that you can't have EVERYONE as the WP.

juicygirl16

Thanks, all!

You all make excellent points and I really appreciate the input!

ladycherryblossom

I would suggest choosing the people you want to be in your wedding party, and then incorporating your other good friends in other ways. Just because they are not bridesmaids (10 bridesmaids is a bit ridiculous) doesn't mean they aren't important to you or that you don't cherish them. So make a point of specifically asking them for help with various things, and show them that you really value their in put and participation in the wedding...
things like:
appointments with different vendors
scouting out reception/ceremony locations
getting invitations ready and such
helping you select your wedding hairstyles and acessories etc.
getting decor ready
having them man the guest book at the reception
having them help people find tables at the reception
asking them to be in charge of different areas like transportation issues or tent rentals or somethings like that....
and so on...

Don't worry, it is likely that they will understand. Most women know that it's a tough call at these times. Also, who you ask to be your bridesmaids etc. aren't necessarily the friends you stick with for life (as evidenced by many people I know). So treat them all with lots of love and respect, but don't fret too much about it.