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Not invite the mother?

Hello all!
My future husband and I are planning a very small, intimate wedding ceremony in Hawaii. We were immediately drawn to the idea of a destination wedding because it would allow us to have the small wedding we want.
Here's the problem:
We don't want my mother to be there.
My mother walked out when I was 13. She was out of my life completely until I was 18. She immediately tried to pick up right where she left, but still thinks of me as a little girl. I've tried to be courteous to her, but it is very difficult for me to let her in. If anything, I find her attempts at a relationship to be selfish- more to lessen her feelings of guilt than to be the mom I've needed her to be.
Last week I had a small surgery that required anesthesia for two hours. I'm 22, and my fiance was there. We live together and it was obvious he would be taking care of me. While I was in surgery, my mother showed up and attempted to change my contact information and yelled at my fiance in the waiting room! She made a huge scene about how she had a right to be there since she was my mother. The security guards escorted her out before my procedure was over.
Obviously, waking up to hear about this ordeal made me incredibly stressed out and was not a pleasant way to wake up.
Its this kind of drama that I don't want on my wedding day - it's My day. We are inviting my mother's extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) and I feel it might make them uncomfortable knowing we asked my mother not to come.
Is there any way out of this?

**Sorry! Forget to add that we are in the very early stages of the wedding planning and haven't set a date yet, but are planning on next summer sometime depending on venue. I saw a few comments that said I should wait until just before the wedding to decide, but if I make a decision that late, isn't it more hurtful if she already knows many details of the wedding?**

Re: Not invite the mother?

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    marisah83marisah83 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do you want to repair your relationship with your mom?  If so, not inviting her will surely screw that up.

    Sit down with your mom and have a long talk about your relationship.  Sounds like she is really unsure of how to be a mom after being away for so long, so if you want a relationship with her, you may have to tell her the limits of that relationship.

    Looks like your wedding isn't until 2014 from your profile.  If that is true, I would wait three years and see where your relationship lies at that point.  It isn't like you will be inviting anyone before then.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If your wedding is really 4 years away, you don't need to worry about this at all now.  A lot can happen in 4 years.  Heck, I had three children in four years!

    This is decision that can quite literally wait until you send out your invitations 6 weeks before the wedding. 

    See what happens with the relationship in the next 3.9 years and then make your decision.  For now, put that completely out of your mind.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally support you if you really, truly don't want your mother there. Clearly she has her own issues. I'm not inviting chromosome man because he's been out of my life for nearly 17 years and he can stay out of it as far as I'm concerned.

    But that's only if you DON'T want to repair things. Listen to Trix. Your wedding is WAYYYY to far away to be thinking about this right now. Right now, you need to focus on how to set up some healthy boundaries since your mother seems to have it in her head that she can just sweep right in and enter your life like nothing ever happened. Maybe a civil enough relationship will develop out of that to consider inviting her to your wedding. But don't think about this stuff until later!
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ff02e96b-039d-486a-929e-326dd026b91ePost:2cccdc9c-1192-4bc0-a8c9-017ea7658d85">Re: Not invite the mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally support you if you really, truly don't want your mother there. Clearly she has her own issues. I'm not inviting <strong>chromosome man</strong> because he's been out of my life for nearly 17 years and he can stay out of it as far as I'm concerned. But that's only if you DON'T want to repair things. Listen to Trix. Your wedding is WAYYYY to far away to be thinking about this right now. Right now, you need to focus on how to set up some healthy boundaries since your mother seems to have it in her head that she can just sweep right in and enter your life like nothing ever happened. Maybe a civil enough relationship will develop out of that to consider inviting her to your wedding. But don't think about this stuff until later!
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
    This one got a snerk out of me.
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    edited December 2011
    A lot can still happen between now and your wedding next summer. You don't have to send the invites until 8-9 weeks out so just leave it until then. I wouldn't actually have a conversation with her about how she can't come; if you don't want her coming then don't send her an invitation. Expect her to show up though. If your mutual family members know where and when then she will find out.

    I would call and have a serious chat with her about her behavior at the hospital. I'm in the same boat with my, for lack of a better word, father. There is no way in hel! that he would show up and speak to my FI like that. If he couldn't respect my wishes and the fact that I can handle my life without him looking after me, we wouldn't have any kind of relationship. Your mom gave up the "right" to be your mother when she walked out on you. I would remind her of this; if she can't respect your decision for her not to be there then you can't respect her enough to build a relationship.
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    edited December 2011
    i'm not close to my birth dad - but i'm really close to his side of the family - i.e. grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins. My birth dad is NOT invited to my wedding and the rest are.

    More than likely the extended family knows the situation and might possibly understand you not wanting the drama that day?
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ff02e96b-039d-486a-929e-326dd026b91ePost:699693f0-b796-44e2-ad54-1c0166ec7219">Re: Not invite the mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not invite the mother? : This one got a snerk out of me.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    My boss taught me that one.
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    SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Manwaithel-I couldn't help but notice your siggy, St. Olaf College is actually a VERY well known college here in MN (and amongst the midwest) that's quite hard to get into :-P and St. Olaf is also a really tiny town up north near the canadian border.

    I TOTALLY get the reference :-P
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    edited December 2011
    I live in MN and do not get what is funny about the ST.Olaf thing....
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's because you don't watch Golden Girls =D
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ff02e96b-039d-486a-929e-326dd026b91ePost:cbcd33f2-d580-4abd-973e-c1be93c0cb12">Re: Not invite the mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Manwaithel-I couldn't help but notice your siggy, St. Olaf College is actually a VERY well known college here in MN (and amongst the midwest) that's quite hard to get into :-P and St. Olaf is also a really tiny town up north near the canadian border. I TOTALLY get the reference :-P
    Posted by SSaltzman87[/QUOTE]

    Well for the duration of my life that I was actually paying attention to colleges, I was on the East Coast and going to the Midwest for school was out of the question.

    Seeing, however, as I spent the majority of my childhood in Chicago, I suppose I should be ashamed. You could flame me for that one. =)
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-invite-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ff02e96b-039d-486a-929e-326dd026b91ePost:95453ddb-1d97-40e5-b649-13b1deee5882">Not invite the mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE] **Sorry! Forget to add that we are in the very early stages of the wedding planning and haven't set a date yet, but are planning on next summer sometime depending on venue. I saw a few comments that said I should wait until just before the wedding to decide,<strong> but if I make a decision that late, isn't it more hurtful if she already knows many details of the wedding?**
    </strong>Posted by abbydarling7[/QUOTE]

    So you're still planning to be all buddy-buddy with her and pretend to have a functional mother-daughter relationship and share the details of your wedding but you don't want to invite her?
     
    No. Pick a lane and stick with it -- she's either in your life or she isn't. You can't have it both ways.
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    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You certainly don't have to decide now if she will be invited or not.  You are not required to include your mother in any of the planning details, or share any information with her.  Give her only general information if she asks, but no other details.

    If she complains or starts drama, tell her you find it stressful to deal with her, and you are not sure how much contact or involvement you can tolerate/handle.  Not to hold it over her head, but to make it clear that if she wants to be included and even invited to the wedding then she will have to stop stressing you out. 
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    edited December 2011
    I'm having a similar problem. My parents split when I was 2 and my mom has never held down a job. She just relied on support cheques from my dad to survive. Well, since the support stopped, she has hit rock bottom. A few weeks ago she was evicted from her apartment and is now living in a friend's spare room and not talking to anybody. I didn't even know where she was until a few days ago.

    My wedding is in June and I'm worried that she will cause a scene if she comes. She's been angry about my wedding because we got engaged and started planning right before her money troubles got severe. So she hasn't been a part of any of our joy. I'm concerned that having her at the wedding will mean a big scene or that she will sit there scowling at everyone.

    Honestly, my advice to you is that you make yourself happy first and don't worry about what your mom wants or what people might say if she isn't at your wedding. Because at the end of the day, your wedding is about you and your fiance and your love for one another. Don't let anyone or anything take away from your joy at being united.
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    ctat6800ctat6800 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a similar situation with my mom as well.  We don't get along very well at all, and she is totally oblivious about how bad her behavior is.  I am inviting my mom to the wedding, but since we are paying for it ourselves, I am not including her in much of the preparations.  I believe that if she really doesn't get it, talking to her about her behavior will do nothing but upset you, which you don't need at this exciting time in your life!  If you think she can come to your wedding and behave herself, go ahead and invite her, but if she will create issues for you and your future hubby, don't invite her.  Do you have a family member or friend who can "babysit" her on your special day?
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