Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth
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Am I being unreasonable?

Ok I need a little perspective on this. I've talked to FI and he agrees with me. I don't know if it's because he feels the same way I do or he doesn't want me to turn into bridezilla. Either way, I know I'll get honest answers here.

You guys know the issues I've had with my parents. Well we gave them back the money "they offered" to give us. It just had too many strings attached and I didn't like it. Either way they have been talking to FI's parents a lot recently and told them they want more flowers, a huge backdrop, and chairs for the reception. This is the only Indian way and they said they invited all these people and it needs to be done in a proper style. They are offering to cover all these extra costs they are creating. I told them No! I don't want to deal with another florist this late in the game and someone to set up or break down everything.
Flowers: FI is allergic to a lot of flowers so I'm worried about his allergies acting up at the wedding. My parents seem like they could careless.
Backdrop: We have a head table of 18 which means it would have to be at least 25 ft. long and I'm sorry that seems like it would be tacky. Plus I wanted more of a "simple/classic" wedding look.
Big Chairs: This is something they are really annoyed about for some reason. Did you see the chairs from the Formal Engagement? They want something like that. It's big and gaudy. I don't like it, but I do understand it's a very Indian thing to have.

I told them flat out NO and there will be no more discussion about it. I don't know if the discussion is completely over, but I wanted to know if I should just give in and allow them to have these three things. What do you think?

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:ef9fd4aa-8ce2-4c51-80c7-dd398a516b32Post:aa4182ed-3cb9-4de2-9e8b-0a42d055e244">Am I being unreasonable?</a>:
    [QUOTE]. Flowers: FI is allergic to a lot of flowers so I'm worried about his allergies acting up at the wedding. My parents seem like they could careless.
    Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]

    This alone would make me say heck to the no.  You've already said no, so just stick to it.  If you said no and there is no more discussion about it, they have learned that  they can just pick at you until you give them their way.
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    edited December 2011
    Agree with shortgirl.

    This is you and your FI's wedding.  If they wanted these extra things they should have addressed their concerns with you guys months ago.   Put your foot down and stand strong.
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    edited December 2011

    If they are willing to pay, have you thought about maybe meeting in the middle? I would say no to flowers since FI is allergic to most. The backdrop, if you don't want it don't have it. Do something else instead that has "Indian flare" to it that is sinple/classic but will satisfy your parents as well. My opinion, chairs aren't that big of a deal. Guests won't be paying attention to the chair because you and your FI..DH at the time...will be sitting in them. Eyes will be on yall.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:ef9fd4aa-8ce2-4c51-80c7-dd398a516b32Post:eeec52c9-283a-47ba-b3ce-576ca7e43e0d">Re: Am I being unreasonable?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Am I being unreasonable? : This alone would make me say heck to the no.  You've already said no, so just stick to it.  If you said no and there is no more discussion about it, they have learned that  they can just pick at you until you give them their way.
    Posted by shortgirltx[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree with shortgirl on both of these. Your main priority is you and your FI getting married that day and you two <em>enjoying</em> the day. Having the groom be sick just because "some guests might expect it a certain way"? Not in this lifetime would that be OK by me.

    And I agree on the "don't give in now" idea. I know it might seem petty, but we had to do this because we knew if we gave in later when people threw more and more reasons/arguments against us ... they would just count it as a victory and learn they could get away with what they wanted if they just kept at it. It's not the precedent we wanted to set for our relationship going forward. (I don't know what might happen in the future ... with children, etc ...)  It was really hard to keep saying no, especially when their arguments got better and better. But we're so happy we did.

    You're a month away, and your wedding will be beautiful just the way it is. Don't add anything -- it'll just be more chaos in the days leading up to it (trust me -- I had to add/change things, and it meant a zillion phone calls in the week before the wedding to get it all straight -- I regret that.) Just ignore whatever's not said directly to you, and whatever is said directly to you, say it's already been discussed and decided upon -- end of story.

    Sorry I've forgotten -- do you have a day-of coordinator? Mine offered to help when these issues came up. Yours might too, if you absolutely are losing your patience. Just make sure she knows ahead of time that her answer to everything should be No, No, No -- regardless of who's offering to pay for it.
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    juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Out of all the things I would agree to, it would be the flowers because you can talk to the florist and ask them for the least pollenic (or whatever the term is).  My MOH is deathly allergic too and has asthma.  I talked to Deanna at Market Street and Sherri didn't have a problem all day long. 

    However, knowing what you've gone through, I still say no.  I would probably also apologize to your FIL's that your parents have put them in the middle of this.  It's your wedding, Deepthi, and no matter what you do or don't do, you're mom isn't going to be happy with it.  I know that's harsh but I'm feeling very....perturbed with your mother.
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    laurencstelaurencste member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you're being unreasonable.  Do you think, however, that perhaps meeting them halfway would help your day be better for you (i.e., they won't be whining the whole day?).  Perhaps a few fake flowers, and some chairs that aren't gaudy but still in a similar style? 
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:ef9fd4aa-8ce2-4c51-80c7-dd398a516b32Post:7532c543-d8e4-44e1-9e0d-24aea909c4e2">Re: Am I being unreasonable?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's your wedding, Deepthi, and no matter what you do or don't do, you're mom isn't going to be happy with it.  I know that's harsh but I'm feeling very....perturbed with your mother.
    Posted by juliebug1997[/QUOTE]

    I will second this, though not directly about your mother, Deepthi. But I know about difficult people having opinions on how you "should" do your wedding. In my case, we had to realize that since we weren't taking 100% of the opinions offered, they weren't going to happy even if we gave in a little bit. (And we did try to meet in the middle, and they still weren't happy, so we regretted even those concessions we made).

    And for me, the people that seemed unhappy during the planning process and kept trying to change things beforehand seemed just fine at the wedding, and we've heard zero complaints during or after the wedding.

    Feel free to PM me if you ever want more of my two cents or to vent. :)
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    juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:ef9fd4aa-8ce2-4c51-80c7-dd398a516b32Post:98e6d894-694e-4d40-a3d7-42f585881d4e">Re: Am I being unreasonable?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being unreasonable? : I will second this, though not directly about your mother, Deepthi. But I know about difficult people having opinions on how you "should" do your wedding. In my case, we had to realize that since we weren't taking 100% of the opinions offered, they weren't going to happy even if we gave in a little bit. (And we did try to meet in the middle, and they still weren't happy, so we regretted even those concessions we made).<strong> And for me, the people that seemed unhappy during the planning process and kept trying to change things beforehand seemed just fine at the wedding, and we've heard zero complaints during or after the wedding.</strong> Feel free to PM me if you ever want more of my two cents or to vent. :)
    Posted by MarieSD[/QUOTE]

    This.  My ILs B&Med through the whole RD process.  We had already picked where we wanted it and started paying for it ourselves, since they had given no indication that they were going to do anything towards the wedding.  I actually would have been much happier having it at a Mexican restaurant but FIL doesn't like Mexican food and MIL doesn't like loud places.  It was just a nightmare and the RD was my most worrisome part of the wedding just due to them. 
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    fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At a month away, I would not change anything else that you don't really want.  You need to be focusing on relaxing and the preparations leading up to your day, not worrying about extra flowers and chairs that you don't want.  And who's to say that if you give in now, they won't demand something else?

    I think since you've said no, you should stick to it.  And in answer to your original question, you are not being unreasonable in any way, shape, or form.
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    edited December 2011
    You aren't being unreasonable at all.  These are things they should have mentioned months ago, not 30 days before the big day. Also, your wedding is going to be fantastic with or without this stuff.  Once the day arrives, they will realize that too.

    Although, I totally promote adding a "blushing bride" grape martini to the cocktail list at this point. :P
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls! They are just getting to me and I know it won't get better. I just felt like the bad person saying no yesterday. My sister was very agreeable about things and they have similar tastes. I know she regrets some of the things my parents did. I didn't want to be in that position.
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    juliebug1997juliebug1997 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_am-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:ef9fd4aa-8ce2-4c51-80c7-dd398a516b32Post:ee129e47-790f-4eae-b219-8ccdfe184bc8">Re: Am I being unreasonable?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks girls! They are just getting to me and I know it won't get better. I just felt like the bad person saying no yesterday. My sister was very agreeable about things and they have similar tastes. I know she regrets some of the things my parents did. I didn't want to be in that position.
    Posted by DFWIndian[/QUOTE]

    Deepthi,
    I'm glad you've stuck by your guns.  I know it's hard but, some day, you will feel better about yourself and how your wedding went.
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    edited December 2011
    Stick to your guns. There's a reason you didn't want their money in the first place...control. They are just trying to do it again. Saying no is your best option. Who's going to notice with 500 people anyway ;)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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