Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, Batchelorette Party AND a Wedding Gift???

atlantis619

I need your opinions, ladies!! 

Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, Batchelorette Party AND a Wedding Gift???

I understand that getting married is a special time and all, but are ALL of these things necessary, or even FAIR to ask of everyone - in this economy?!  

I am a MOH and a bride, and as MOH I am doing all of these things for my BFF, but when it comes to my turn, I wont be asking for anything but the Batchelorette party.  I just don't think people can afford so many expenses for one event!  I almost feel bad having to ask everyone (who all live an hour or more away) to come and participate in all of these things.

Am I crazy?  Does anyone else think like I do?

bablingbrooke

None of those parties are necessary.

I didn't have an engagement party and don't know anyone who has.  The shower gift is usually the wedding gift where I come from.  

If people approach you to throw these parties, it's not wrong to accept.  They are offering to do something nice and it's totally fine to graciously accept--you are lucky to have wonderful friends and family to do these things for you.  It would be wrong of you to ask for them.

trix1223

I also don't know anyone who's ever had an e-party IRL.  And in our circle, showers are small intimate affairs with a guest list under 20-25 people.  Gifts are typically off the registry and wedding gifts are more often than not cash.

And invitations to parties are not subpoenas.  If you can't attend for any reason, including financial, you simply decline the invite.  You're not obligated to attend.

jenn.daniel

Engagement parties are not gift-giving events in ny circle.  No one HAS to throw one of these parties and no one has to attend any extra parties.  If I give both a shower and a wedding gift, they're less expensive items.

MyNameIsNot

Asking for gifts and parties is incredibly rude.  If someone offers to throw you an e-party, shower, or b-party, you can decide whether you'll accept or decline the gift of a party.  If someone gives you a wedding gift, you graciously accept.  

You don't ask for or expect any of these things.

skippylouwho

We will be attending an engagement party for my DS and FDIL in about a week and a half. I bought the toasting flutes they registered for and am giving them that.  Igave them a cake knife and server for Valentine's Day.

This is a hard hitting month for us expense-wise. This weekend is a surprise birthday party for our FDIL (taking small gift), next week is the engagement party (toasting flutes) , the weekend after is a wedding shower for our DD and it is also our FDIL's real birthday (another slightly larger gift).   I've been shopping carefully, watching for sales on their registry items, etc.

The engagement party is being thrown by a couple that my DS and his FI are good friends with, actually the man is business partners with my son's FFIL.  They are hosting at a local restaurant that used to be a bank, the party is in the vault which I think will be pretty cool.  The couple hosting the party asked to throw it for my son and his FI.

megk8oz

I only know 2 people that actually had e-parties ... and they threw them themselves (Which is beyond tack-tastic). Other than that, I really only thought people did that, like, on TV (Which is probably where these 2 got the "genius" idea of throwing their own).

Neither DH or myself had bach parties. Only a few of our friends our married, and it's roughly 50/50 which couples had them and which ones didn't

I did have a shower, but it was a bit of a surprise (I was convinced for quite some time I wasn't having one), and actually DH's cousin (Who was not in our BP) was the one who threw it. Showers are pretty common where I'm from, but you never throw your own ... and if you don't have one, it's not the end of the world.

weddingbells2010

We had an engagement party, but pretty much against our will... our parents threw the party for us.  People gave gifts and cash... and we were beyond gracious in accepting them.  We don't expect much from those people for the wedding, seeing as they've already given us a gift acknowledging our wedding.  Some of those same people will be invited to a shower if I get one.  I had some guilt about that, for the same reasons... and if they can't afford it, they will lkely be a smart shopper and bring a less expensive gift, or decline altogether.  It is entirely their decision.

hh581842

You guys don't know anyone who has had an e-party?  Everyone i know has had an e-party! it's crazy how different things are in diff circles. 

well, I'm currently a bridesmaid in my friends wedding, and she is having an E-party, 3 different showers lol, a bachelorette party, and then the wedding. I definitely feel you, because this has all been pretty expensive for me.  I have gotten a gift for every event that i have attended or will attend, but that is only because I feel awkward being at an event like these without gifts, even when one isn't necessary (plus i love giving presents! hehe).  And let me explain what i mean. 

According to what i've read in magazines and such, and what others have told me, an E-party is not an occasion where a gift is necessary.  An E-party is simply a way to celebrate the fact that the couple is now engaged, and to share the event with all their friends.  Gifts can certainly be given, but they aren't mandatory.  And I could be totally wrong on this, but I didn't think there was anything wrong with throwing the E-party yourself (or having parents or close family throw it).  Since it's not a gift giving occasion, you (or your family) aren't soliciting gifts by throwing it yourself. You're just inviting your friends to share in the good news.  Someone correct me if i'm wrong here. 

For the shower (or showers as the case may be) you only need to get one gift.  You are more than welcome to bring a gift to every shower, but you only need to get one for one of the showers. 

Then the b-party, and the wedding, and those kinda go without saying.  You will prob have to foot some of the bill for the b-party, and then another gift for the wedding. I have never ever heard of a shower gift being the wedding gift.  What's the point of the shower then? 

This is the great thing about a wedding registry though.  You aren't obligated to always buy something for the shower off the registry, but you can, and there are gifts on there for for every guest, in every price range. So since I am on a budget, I have gotten smaller gifts for all of the pre-wedding events, and will probably go a little bigger for the wedding gift. I understand that you're concerned about your guests pockets, and that's thoughtful of you, but it's kind of out of your hands. If someone throws you a shower, it means people want to shower you with gifts! I think the best thing you can do is include items on your registry that are in a wide range of prices so that people on a budget can get you something without breaking the bank, and be ok with having low-key pre-wedding events so your bridal party doesn't spend their life savings on a shower. When my friend was told about the shower the BMs were throwing her, she requested it be simple and casual.  That kind of stuff definitely helps!  And as far as the traveling goes, you're worth it girl! I'm sure your friends and family just want to be with you and celebrate with you, and that trumps travel time

danieliza1127

I always give a shower gift and a wedding gift.

I've never even been to an engagement party. They aren't very common in my area.  I don't even know anyone in real life who has had one. 

I don't think I give gifts at bachelorette parties either.  That's definitely not expected.

golden1215

I'm pretty sure with how small my wedding is I'll only have a bach party... don't expect anything but dont feel bad about accepting, people wont come if they cant/dont want to.

hh581842

well, again, an e-party isn't supposed to be a gift-giving occasion. People can and do give gifts, but it's not dictated by etiquette.  An e-party is YOUR way (or your family's) of saying yay! we're engaged! come celebrate with us as we announce the news officially! 

So don't knock your FI's friends and family for not getting you gifts.  They were actually right on with that one. 

SuMmErKuTiE

We had an engagement party last year which was 14 months before the wedding so it wasn't party on top of party right before the wedding. Most of our guests did bring gifts but we weren't expecting them to. Those who didn't bring gifts brought a bottle of wine or champagne which was awesome.

But not everyone has an engagement party, our parents threw one for us and we had a great time. My shower is at the end of May, my bachelorette is planned for the beginning of June, and then the wedding is at the end of June. I had originally requested for the shower to be in late April to early May, but my mom and MOH were unable to plan it that way because of everyone's schedules. I wanted it earlier so that the girls going to the Bachelorette wouldn't have to go two parties so close to each other, but it didn't work out that way.

So to answer your question, none of those parties are necessary and the bride shouldn't be demanding them or asking people to throw them for her. In my circle, engagement parties are common especially if the wedding isn't for another year or two, and bridal showers and bachelorette parties are basically the norm unless the bride declines them. They should be spaced out appropriately so the BP doesn't have to attend too many parties in a row right before the wedding. Plus I don't feel a gift is necessary for the engagement pary or the bachelorette party, but I do feel that it is for the bridal shower.

I <3 Seabass

In my circle e-parties, showers, are usually smaller events and for family and really close friends only so I don't mind buying 2 gifts for lets say my cousin. If I was invited to a co-workers e-party and shower yeah I might think that was a little much.

Also, the e-party gift is usually a nice bottle of wine or something small just to say congratulations. And, the e-party and shower are usually far enough apart where it doesn't seem like you're constantly buying a gift for the couple.

As far as b-parties it's not typical that we give gifts at those. It's more like we'll all chip in and pay for her dinner and drinks. So I guess in short no I don't feel like that.

noodle_oo

In my group of friends, no one had an engagement party.  We do bridal showers and wedding gifts, so I figure that is normal.  My friends had bachelorette parties, but we don't do gifts.  Usually htey are event related so the guests pay for for the event, but an additional gift is optional.  It does end up being expensive, but I'm happy to celebrate with my friends and since it only happens once (hopefully!) I"m happy to do it! 

OP, I think you sound a little stressed out and I know being an MOH (or BM) can be really expensive.  But I don't begrudge anyone for doing all this stuff, I just know to stay within my means when giving gifts.

hh581842

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_engagement-party-bridal-shower-batchelorette-party-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:8e5b3f1c-bcc2-461c-bbc1-d633d10fa25fPost:58856af4-d6d0-4c70-8284-53356034929b">Re: Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, Batchelorette Party AND a Wedding Gift???</a>:
[QUOTE]Was that to me? If so, I definitely am not upset about not getting gifts. They flew in from out of state; having them there was a gift enough! 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Lol sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like that.  I didn't think you were.  reading my message, the wording came across stronger than i thought it was when I wrote it. Just saying that you don't have to give gifts for an engagement party though lots of people do. </div>

Jessie888

I hope that the bride isnt asking for all of those things. I would do what you can afford. I am a bride and bridesmaid in a wedding as well. I know it can get overwhelming. I have been very strict about saving money so I can do and get her all the gifts, parties.... because thats what i want to do. I dont think you have to get her a gift for her bachelorette party. I know some girls do, but thats their choice. You could just get her something small?? It doesnt have to be anything real extravagant.

Are all of these parties fair in this economy? - Well I have to say they are all apart of the wedding festivities, but they are not mandatory. You dont have to give an expensive gifts. They are plenty of low budget items on most couple's registries. Most of these parties are just about getting together and having a fun time. Get a small gift, I know there have been times when I had to get something less expensive than I wanted to get. But its what you can do! Nobody is going to be upset.

We had an engagement party as well. My FI's parents threw it for us at a favorite local restaurant. I was not expecting gifts at all, but a lot of people did give us some. It was really fun to have everyone get together and have a nice time. But, gifts arent mandatory for an engagement party. 

LisaTyler1984

No prob Heidi

Lauren&Sean

I don't know when bachelorette party gifts became the norm.  I am excited to have parties with friends and family, but they don't need to give me anything--or throw parties for me if they can't or don't want to.
When a friend or family member becomes engaged, I usually decide how much I want to/can spend in total. All gifts come out of that budget. So, having more parties wouldn't really result in a higher dollar value for them. Not that I think that's what they were looking for in the first place. It's just a way for me to keep my spending in check.

jennylove810

When my best friend got married, I threw her a wedding shower (food, invites, decorations, etc), bought her a shower gift, and paid 90% of the cost for her bachelorette party to NYC.  (This was on top of all my MOH expenses - dress, shoes, and hair, which yes, she required of me so I just sucked it up and did it)  After all this, I did not buy her an additional 'wedding gift' since I'd already spent more money than I care to think about.

Samwise16

My mom and stepdad are throwing an e-party for me and my fiance'... but I mean, it's also in our backyard, with only close friends and family - and I'm going to try to find a way to sneak in "no gifts" ..

faithhopeinlove

I was MOH in my friend's wedding last year and I threw her both a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. If she had asked earlier, I would have thrown her an engagement party as well. She's throwing me an engagement party at her parent's house, but my mom and I are the ones cooking and co-hosting I guess. But what I don't get is that she was expecting me to pay for the invites for it? She wanted to host it and throw it and pay for my dinner at a restaurant. After volunteering to pay for all the food and make it less of an expense on her, she wants me to buy invites? Oh well. But, sorry back to your question, if someone offers to throw a party for you, you can accept. I know people that have had 3 bridal showers, multiple bachelorette parties, etc. Sometimes it depends on different social circles or someone wanting to do something special for you. None are mandatory, but sometimes nice. If anything, you can probably get some great pictures for memories as well.

linzcw04

We had an engagement party that was thrown by my parents....however it was more of a cookout to get the families together to celebrate. There was no gift exchanging except for a few cards from the neighbors (whom my mother invited for thoughts that I don't understand) but IMO a shower gift is the "wedding present." I don't expect gifts nor showers, bachlorette parties, ect....if ppl want to host them for me then I will go but don't expect a gift for it.
I just got done attending a shower for a friend that is getting married in April...I got her a gift for the shower and will get her a card for their wedding - probably with a gift card or $ in it but not to the extent of their "wedding gift."

CourtneyBC

I'd just keep my mouth shut, and if someone offers to do those things for you, say thank you and let them do it. They wouldn't offer if they couldn't afford it. I think that most people who bring gifts to the shower will just consider it your wedding gift. At least, that's what I expect of my guests. That is just an assumption, though, so I don't really know.