Help! Explaining wedding traditions to my future MIL

Jennasourus

My fiancé and I got engaged about 3 weeks ago (yay!) I am from a big Italian American family and weddings are a really big deal in my family, in the sense that we have big fancy parties and even the bridal shower is a fancy event. My future MIL is from Thailand and doesn’t know anything about wedding traditions here in America. My mom and dad have very generously offered to throw us an engagement party in June. My FI told his parents about this and his mom offered to chip in some money as well for the engagement party. I think having parents mixing money is just a recipe for disaster, and so I need to find a way to politely decline (my mom agrees with this as well). We are going to his parents house this weekend and his mother asked if I can go over all the wedding traditions and what the whole planning process will be like. I am super stressed about having this talk with her. For one thing I don’t want to seem greedy or anything. I know they want to help pay for stuff but I just don’t feel comfortable telling them what to pay for. For example traditionally (in my family anyway) its the parents of the groom that pay for the rehearsal dinner... But I don’t want them to feel like they have to do that... Again I expect nothing of anyone, but I know she is looking to help us here and there and I’m just uncomfortable saying here is what you can pay for. My FI is clueless and doesn’t know any of this stuff either so he is no help! He is just kind of following my lead. He will be with me when I talk with his parents though so that’s good. The one saving grace here is that I am pretty close with her and she is the sweetest lady ever so I know she wont be mean... I just don’t want to be rude. For example I was planning on sending invitations to her family in Thailand when the time comes to show that although I am sure they wont come here for the wedding we are thinking of them and they are of course welcome. However she said that in their traditions then they have to send a gift... And that just seems very rude then. Im just really looking for the right way to word things here. Also I don’t even know what to explain. I figure this is what I should go over with them
The engagement party- whos invited- brides parents pay
Booking the hall, hotels around the hall, the ceremony, flowers and centerpieces, favors, the cake
My bridal shower and what that will all be about

Sorry this was so long!

psichick

maybe go to b&n and see if there's a wedding planning book that would help her? or even emily post's books could help. that would probably be easiest, then if she has any specific questions she can ask you.

also you might want to think about asking her about the traditions in her culture. you can then make sure that you don't accidentally offend anyone in his family, and possibly you can incorporate some of their traditions into your day, which she would probably appreciate.

Jennasourus

Yes! Finding out about Thai traditions is part of my plan too! I would LOVE to incorporate that into the wedding! i really like you idea about the book thank you thats a great idea!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

There's a list on the knot about who traditionally pays for what. I'd print that off and mention it to her, but keep repeating, "Of course, we are completely willing to pay for everything ourselves, too. It is very common in modern America for the couple to pay for at least part of their wedding."

golden1215

Simply tell her your parents are picking up the e-party costs but she can contribute to x,y,z (i.e. rehersal dinner).  I'm sure she just wants to help and since the e-party is the first event she's offering to start helping right away- not knowing that she doesnt have to!