My fiance hates to follow wedding protocols

Jenn66nyc

Of course we love each other but this is a problem of wedding planning, he did not want anything elegant and I was fine with that, we found a place that would pretty much take care of everything but now he has a hard time with being introduced into the reception and making his parents be introduced and walk in front of so many people. It kills me because these are our guests and not strangers! Not sure how to tell him this is non-negotiable. He was raised in a home where everything happened in their basement, birthdays, baby showers, everything! so he has been taught that there is no need to dress up, be in the spotlight or even take credit for his accomplishments.

meofmanynames

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-hates-to-follow-wedding-protocols?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:932d04e1-3657-460b-b691-cefcab78120dPost:ac6bf791-3abe-4fd0-a589-313bbed65ec7">My fiance hates to follow wedding protocols</a>:
[QUOTE]Of course we love each other but this is a problem of wedding planning, he did not want anything elegant and I was fine with that, we found a place that would pretty much take care of everything but now he has a hard time with being introduced into the reception and making his parents be introduced and walk in front of so many people. It kills me because these are our guests and not strangers! Not sure how to tell him this is non-negotiable. He was raised in a home where everything happened in their basement, birthdays, baby showers, everything! so he has been taught that there is no need to dress up, be in the spotlight or even take credit for his accomplishments.
Posted by Jenn66nyc[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh man I'm sorry you're having issues with this.  My FI and I come from two completely different points of view from an etiquette standpoint and it's given us some challenges.</div><div>
</div><div>Has he been to other weddings before?  Have you tried talking to him about following certain protocols as a way to please you?  It sounds like you have made some compromises.  What else is he having issues with?</div>

divinemsbee

We won't be "introduced" at our reception. About half of the weddings I've been to haven't done any sort of introduction of the bride and groom, especially if they ceremony and reception are at the same place. While it's something you may want, I don't exactly think it's "non-negotiable." Talk to him about what you can do to make him more comfortable. Also, you can't make his parents do anything and I wouldn't try to force them to get up in front of people if they're really against it. 

DramaGeek

Nothing says you have to be introduced into the reception, and his parents certainly don't have to be.

renegade gaucho

There is very little associated with weddings that is "nonnegotiable".  Really the only rule that applies is that you can't be rude or offensive to your guests.  Many people are uncomfortable being the center of attention.  If he would feel more comfortable skipping the big introduction at his wedding, that's perfectly fine.  Both of you just need to make the effort to speak to every guest personally and thank them for coming (which you should do even if you do make a grand entrance).

This is his wedding just as much as it is yours, and his wants and comfort level need to be taken into account.  If you insist on designating things as nonnegotiable just because that's how you want them done, you will really be starting your marriage off on the wrong foot.

Avion22

We weren't introduced at our wedding, and neither was anyone else.  Our parents did stand up and make a short welcome speach, but only because they wanted to.  I don't see how introductions are "non-negotionable."  They seem very unneccessary to me.

Jenn66nyc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-hates-to-follow-wedding-protocols?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:932d04e1-3657-460b-b691-cefcab78120dPost:f4335305-8c8d-4f5c-9e03-daa5fde40ba8">Re: My fiance hates to follow wedding protocols</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My fiance hates to follow wedding protocols : Oh man I'm sorry you're having issues with this.  My FI and I come from two completely different points of view from an etiquette standpoint and it's given us some challenges. Has he been to other weddings before?  Have you tried talking to him about following certain protocols as a way to please you?  It sounds like you have made some compromises.  What else is he having issues with?
Posted by meofmanynames@gmail.com[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Hi!</div><div>I am glad you did not misinterpret my post as the rest of the community did, seems like you understand where i'm coming from. I have compromised and done many things he did not want in the wedding without really asking for anything in return. This is both our wedding but I classify the introduction as non-negotiable because this is not only an introduction of me as his wife and him as my husband but also of the importan people that took the time to be part of our small bridal party. He did not want a DJ and though I did not have a problem with it, we decided to have someone that was neutral to both sides of the family to play the music otherwise, there would only be music for his side of the family and I have friends and family from all over so I proposed we tried to please everyone a little. He did not want bridesmaids or groomsman, we only have MOH and BM plus flower girl and ring bearer. I think I will try to talk to him and ask him for that in a way to please me because we are 2 months away from our wedding and I just want to have everything set or as much as possible. He wanted to put no gifts in the invitations and let people come in jeans and I explained that people want to show appreciation by buying gifts, at no point did we say it is required and the jeans things does bother me as it is a wedding and I take that more seriously.

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GoodLuckBear14

A lot of people do not like being introduced and the center of attention for even a few moments.  I always dreaded the Bridal Party Entrances when I was in a WP.  If he and his parents don't want to do this, then don't push it.  It doesn't matter how much you have compromised on other things, this is absolutely negotiable and you should force people to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

DramaGeek

There will be plenty of other times that the spotlight will be on you guys.  If you want to publicly acknowledge people, then do so in the form of a thank you speech.  We gave a little thank you after the toasts and cake cutting.  You could incorporate something like that as a way of acknowledging them.

I get that you've compromised, but this is not a battle I would pick, quite honestly.

calliopeia2013

For parents and wedding party, could you print out simple programs instead of doing introductions as a compromise?  If doing introductions of you at the reception as the new husband and wife is important to you, I think it's okay to make it one of the battles you pick, though PPs are correct to say that, etiquette-wise, it's not mandatory.  But, I mean, we all have some things that are more important than others to us, and I think it's fine if this is yours. 

(As for the no gifts and dress code, if you haven't agreed on that yet, you can let him know that it IS a matter of proper etiquette to refrain from including information about either gifts or dress code on the invitations.  That one IS mandatory etiquette-wise.)

Riss91

I understand that you are frustrated and feeling that you are the only one giving here. In marriage, you will really need to be able to talk about your feelings, and consider each other's point of view and come up with a solution together. Consider this good practice!

Honestly, if I knew something would make someone I loved completely uncomfortable, it wouldn't be enjoyable for me to force them to do it. If you really think your FI will be absolutely petrified of having so much attention on him - why do that to him? If you think he might simply blush and will have forgotten it in 10 seconds, then you might be right in asking him to do you the favor.

If you are worried about giving the spotlight to your bridal party - there are other ways to do it. You could include personalized notes in your wedding program, or you could give a quick thank you speech to them at the reception. FI wouldn't need to do the talking.

Regardless, you should both express what you want and why you want it, and try to come to an agreement. Ask him to give a little - and be sure that you are giving a little. Also - pick your battles. There are so many things you honestly will NOT remember the day after your wedding.

EADenver

Aww good luck!

I'm just commenting to note that I agree with and really like the comment from Riss91 above about coming to a compromise, picking your battles and remembering that you won't remember some of the details and you'll just be basking in your newlyweddedness the next day! 

One idea in light of a compromise: don't be introduced as you walk in (just mingle) but be introduced for your first dance. Just a thought! Hope it works out and you have a great day.

renegade gaucho

Ok, if you feel that you are the only one giving in, that's not compromising and it's also a problem.  It sounds like the two of you are having some trouble working together as a team.  You should probably get that sorted out with a counselor before you get married.  It's not going to get better after the wedding.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_my-fiance-hates-to-follow-wedding-protocols?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:932d04e1-3657-460b-b691-cefcab78120dPost:08f40573-a355-44ac-a345-222cee79ca8f">Re: My fiance hates to follow wedding protocols</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing says you have to be introduced into the reception, and his parents certainly don't have to be.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

I totally agree, introductions are not necessary.

Aileanm

Let me start with this as a bride with stage fright getting up in front of that many people is terrifying to me and about 1/3 of them will be strangers or only casual acquantaces for me as i have never met his extended family. So I think i can understand some of his reservations. That said i can feel your frustration at not having an event for a wedding. It seem like he wants to treat it like a casual BBQ or any other party.

By introduction do you mean a greeting line or a public sort of bow at the reception? If he wont do a greeting line perhapse going as a couple to all of the tables individually could be arranged and a public thank you to the parents? Even giving them a gift?

What is it about the introduction that really appeals to you or really scares him? maybe try to find another way to satisfy that or avoid his fear?
(an example my fiance insisted that he wanted to bar tend at the wedding reception. I found out he desired this because at his first wedding he didnt get to say more than hello to all the guests and has a hard time talking to people in social settings. This let him talk to guest and have a function so it wasnt too akward. We compromised and are having a BBQ for the "rehersal" dinner where everyone is invited and he is cooking. So he gets to talk to everyone for a while with a task.)