Really in need of advice..mom is getting me down.

kbj88

Ok...I need to start this off with a little background info.  My mom and I have a rocky relationship to say the least. Well..Im rocky with her, she on the other hand is completely ignorant to the things she has done/way she has treated her children. 

When I was 17, she kicked me out of the house. Not because I was a wild child, not because I was intolerable or for any reason at all. Solely because she thought it "was time". I had no where to go so I moved in with my bf at the time. Ok, fast forward a year, that bf and I broke up. She wouldnt let me move back in because they tore my room out to make a bigger bathroom. With no where else to go, practically homeless, my *now* FI brought me home to his mom and that is where I lived for 2 years.  (I knew him and his family well  and the second his mom found out i was stuck she TOLD me to get my stuff because I was staying with them) My MIL has been a Godsend, i cannot appreciate or praise her enough. 
So now,while all this is happening, my mother did not phone MIL once, never met her NOTHING to say "oh thank you, thanks for looking after my daughter"  I know her well enough to expect that she wouldnt even think to thank someone for putting a roof over their 18 year old daughters head, MIL on the other hand, was completely and rightfully offended. 

So, now fast forward 4 years. My Guy and I have been together all this time and are now getting married. Instantly my mom thinks its  her time to shine as mother of the decade. She expects that im going to get ready with her, that im going to ask her to walk me down the isle(no daddy) and all the stuff that mother of the bride should do. I have a different idea, I want MIL to be there helping me get ready and she wants to do so as well.  I already told her that Im not getting ready at her (my moms) house because the reception is being held at FI's parents and its only right for me to help out. She said fine, she would come to their place to get ready. I am NOT comfortable with this.

So...basically im in need of a little advice.  How do i tell my mom that she shouldn't come to FI's parents place to get ready, that it isnt appropriate??  She will be coming to the reception, but that is a different situation since there will be more people around.  I am really stuck on this one, and as much as she has put me though over the years, I still cannot disrespect her, since she IS my mother.  I have asked other people in person who know my situation and they have all said tell her to eat shiit lol.  Im wondering if anyone has been in this situation before and how did you deal with it?? I was thinking to get her to go to the park where we are getting married and help set up, just to giver her something to do so she will feel useful, but i dont know.....help please??
Thanks

psichick

tough situation.

basically if you feel that strongly about your mom not doing the "mom" stuff you're going to have to be blunt about it. obviously giving her hints isn't going to do it. it's going to really hurt her though and be prepared for a serious hit to your relationship with her (if that even bothers you at this point). just explain to her what you want/don't want, and be honest.

or just suck it up and let her do the mom stuff.

it's up to you........

katieanne85

I would just come out and say that at this point in your life you feel you have a closer relationship with MIL and prefer to spend that time with her. Your mom may be upset, but she shouldnt be surprised.
But it might be a sort of olive branch of sorts to do something with her, is it possible she wants to reconcile and your wedding is the means she chose?
In anycase, do what makes you most comfortable, you dont want to be disrespectful, so try and comeup with something for her to do.
Good luck!

[Deleted User]

Ditto pp. Sounds like my relationship with my mom. That is tough, but just put her in her place. I did that with my mom early on and haven't had much trouble at all with her. Well, maybe it is bc she has been non-exsistent in the entire process. I feel like I can talk to my FMIL better and more than my own mom. It is sad and it hurts, but the less she knows about my life the better. Hang in there girl!

MsLaura31

I'm so sorry you're in this situation! Maybe you could just tell her that while you appreciate her interest you really don't want to inconvience your in-laws on the wedding day, and you think it's best that you get ready on your own. And if she keeps pushing it, just repeat as often as necessary.

Do you have an aunt or someone who you could ask to keep your mom occupied on the day? I would think if she's alone all morning, then she'd be more likely to get worked up and make a scene at the reception. But if someone was with her, taking her to a hair appointment or to get manicures, then she might forget about the whole thing... Maybe you could spend an hour or so the day before with her doing something beauty/wedding related to ease the tensions.

Oh! Or give her a wedding day task so she won't have time to be with you (like pick up her relatives from the airport or bouquets from the florist.)

Good luck!

cmkuno

Why do you feel it's not appropriate for her to come get ready at FMIL's place?  Is it because YOU don't want to be around her, or you feel it will create an awkward situation with FMIL?  

IMO, weddings are one day when divorced and otherwise estranged family members need to suck it up and pretend to get along for the sake of the couple getting married.  I can see why you feel like your mom doesn't deserve to shine as "mother of the year," but I also don't feel like simply allowing her to come over to FMIL's house the morning before the wedding to get ready with the other ladies is giving her some special honor.  By all means, don't have her walk you down the aisle.  But if you tell her she can't even be in the same room with you while you get ready, you're going to do irreparable harm to your relationship.  And in my experience, this usually ends up just creating a stressful situation for everyone involved, including you.  You don't need that on your wedding day.  

unplainjane

this is a tough one. i agree with the PPs. weddings are times when family that may not get along pretend to for a day. if you don't want your mom around to help you get ready that is totally your call. it's your wedding and especially before the ceremony you want to be surrounded by good vibes. do you want to reconcile with your mom though? this would be a good time. but if you don't then tell her you will be getting ready at your in-laws home on your own and you don't want too many people there. as suggested give her a job for the day to keep her busy or have a relative occupy her time. if she still doesn't get the message you may have to tell her straight out you don't want her there but be prepared for some drama if you feel that being blunt is the only solution.

momofayden

If you want to spare her feelings, tell her a time to come much later into when you are getting ready and let your BMs run interference with her and keep her occupied.

AshL23

Regardless of whether or not a wedding day SHOULD be a day when family all plays happy, its not always the case. Unfortunately, a lot of people turn others days into a time for themselves or time to showboat, and when it comes down to it it's HER & her Soon-to-Be HUSBAND'S day. No one elses, and if she doesn't want to get ready with her mom, than she shouldn't do it to appease anyone. If she truly doesn't feel that her mother has been there for her and hasn't had a real relationship with her, than why should she have to worry on her wedding day about walking on eggshells in order to make everyone happy? I'm almost positive that it'll end up causing undue stress to everyone, and turn into a big, dramatic, negative production if it's not nipped in the butt immediately.  It's def a sticky situation, but it's one that can't be avoided, and shouldn't wait until the last minute.

miah_23_ncb

I dont hink it matters why u dont want her there. I can see why you would not want her there unecessary stress. I think you should try the gentle approach: tell her that you want her to help with some other aspect but you want to spend the time getting ready w/ your FMIL. If she gives you a fuss or seems offended I wuld just explain to her why. being honest is alway the best option jut remeber to do it tastefully.