Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Pre-marital counseling...

How many of you are doing it/have done it? I'm currently in the process of it all with my FI through our church. I love it and I'm learning so much about my partner, even more than I thought I could! Your guys' thoughts on it?

Re: Pre-marital counseling...

  • We were long distance, so we bought a pre-marriage workbook.  Each week we picked a few exercises to do on our own, then on the weekend we would discuss our answers.  It was a good thing to do, but I don't know that we got a LOT out of it (it was all stuff we had talked about before, or stuff that didn't apply to us like how to form a blended family, which we don't have).

    I think pre-marital counseling is definitely a good idea, and everyone should at least give it a try.  
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  • H and I went through it with our pastor before getting married - very helpful!
  • DH and I did pre-cana before our marriage.  I wouldn't say that we learned a lot of new information about each other, but it helped us put a lot of stuff in perspective, particularly about how our experiences with others' marriages (our parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) and family histories contributed to some of the ways we thought and acted.  It also helped us remember we're on the same page about a lot of big questions, including money, family planning and size, and goals for work-life balance.

    We had a really good experience and enjoyed having the time to focus on each other and our relationship.
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  • Thanks! Yeah, I guess I shouldn't say I learned a lot MORE about my FI, but that I learned things from HIS perspective, like some of you were saying. I really have enjoyed it - we have a workbook we are working through and it's fun to see how we answer the questions! It's just adding to the affirmation that I'm supposed to be with him! :)
  • We joined a Sunday School class for engaged couples that went through "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" by Les Parrott.  We loved it.  There was only one other couple in the class, so it was perfect for us.  DH's dad married us, and we were away at school, unable to meet with my pastors, so we knew we'd need to find another form of premarital counseling.
  • Our pastor referred us to an MFT for our counselling. I met with her once, since FI is abroad and can't move over till his visa comes through, and she actually recommended that the two of us do it after the wedding because we have so much going on already that she worries we won't be able to give it our all.  So... that's our plan.
  • We have maybe 5 sessions for 9 hours total with my Priest. Honestly, it's been mostly a cause of self-congratulation and just some fun discussing liturgical minutiae. Self-congratulation because we're like, "Who DOESN'T talk about kids before getting married?" same with finances, arrest records, professional plans, etc. We covered the biggies before we were even engaged.

    I'm still glad we're doing it. My Priest has known me since I was 12, so I'm glad FH gets a chance to get to know him. I also like having a thorough outside evaluation that says, "Yup, you seem ready." [I guess that's more self-congratulation.]

    As far as I can tell, ours is free. (We're half-way through and no price has come up. Compensation, such as it is, for clergy of my parish does not work in the "usual" way it seems.) I'm not sure I'd pay for it. I'd get a book and make FH skim it with me.
  • Our church had a mentoring program but it was full so we couldn't do it. We both have a very strong faith so we got a religious book with suggestions on what engaged couples should discuss before they get married and went through the entire thing. It reallly helped.
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  • For our church to marry us, we HAD to do a pre-marriage prep course on 1 Saturday.  Couples in the room varied greatly by age.  They were pretty realisitc in terms of, they know people live together before marriage nowadays, they assume people have had sex, half the people in the room had kids already anyhow.  So basically there was a lot of talk about communicating and finances (joint versus non-joint bank accounts, mortgages, interest rates, etc). 

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  • For those that did a "workbook" or something of the sort, do you have specific recommendations? I'm trying to figure out what FI and I should do. TIA
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  • This is the one our pastor is having us work through - pretty good stuff! :) Workbook and then my FI and I come together to talk about it!
    http://www.amazon.com/Before-You-Say-Do-Preparation/dp/1565076370/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341381700&sr=1-1&keywords=what+to+say+before+i+do
  • fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_pre-marital-counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f4167e65-9976-4edb-a8ce-56dcc5c3a978Post:cd8fc134-3148-4dbb-92d1-86729796b3b1">Re: Pre-marital counseling...</a>:
    [QUOTE]For those that did a "workbook" or something of the sort, do you have specific recommendations? I'm trying to figure out what FI and I should do. TIA
    Posted by jessicaemery30[/QUOTE]
    We did "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts."  It is Christian based.<div>
    </div><div><strong>Book</strong>: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-2&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit">http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-2&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit</a></div><div>
    </div><div><strong>Workbook for Women</strong>: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Marriage-Before-Workbook-Before---/dp/0310265649/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-2-fkmr0&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit">http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Marriage-Before-Workbook-Before---/dp/0310265649/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-2-fkmr0&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit</a></div><div>
    </div><div><strong>Workbook for Men</strong>: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Marriage-Before-Workbook-Before---/dp/0310265657/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit">http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Marriage-Before-Workbook-Before---/dp/0310265657/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341408505&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=saving+your+marriage+before+it+starts+kit</a></div>
  • We did a Pre Cana weekend. It was lead by four married couples with a variety of marriage length. They used somethin called PRCD. Private reflection, couples dialogue. Each PRCD had a topic with prompts. Topics covered everything from disciplining children, substance abuse, family history, faith, sexuality, and even addressing if you are unable to conceuve. It was incredibly empowering and I would recommend it to any couple, even non Catholic.
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  • We did counseling with our Pastor. While we had pretty well already discussed everything between ourselves, it felt great to voice our opinions and decisions to another individual. Our Pastor guided us, listened, and offered suggestions when he thought we might have missed a point.

    While we might not have learned a lot more about each other, it was a great experience seeing how well we worked together to solve different scenarios. It was, also, a fun and informative interaction with our Pastor.

    We've now finished our counseling and our next meeting will be strictly to plan out the ceremony itself.

    I'm glad you're enjoying it. Discovering more about each other is always exciting.
  • My fiance and I are not at all religious..but we considered doing a non religious one...  I'm just not sure if it's something that will REALLY help us...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_pre-marital-counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f4167e65-9976-4edb-a8ce-56dcc5c3a978Post:cd8fc134-3148-4dbb-92d1-86729796b3b1">Re: Pre-marital counseling...</a>:
    [QUOTE]For those that did a "workbook" or something of the sort, do you have specific recommendations? I'm trying to figure out what FI and I should do. TIA
    Posted by jessicaemery30[/QUOTE]

    <div>Our Pastor recommended the workbook "Before you Say I Do" and we are really enjoying it.  We have been together for 5 and a half years so we haven't learned anything much, but we do understand each other better.</div><div>Before we were even engaged, we read <u>The Five Love Languages</u>.  It helped us SO MUCH!  It is a quick easy read.  Our Pastor even encouraged us to read it for our pre-marital couselling but we read it a while back.  It really has helped us communicate better.</div><div>He also recommened <u>His Needs, Her Needs</u>.  We haven't started that yet, but I am looking forward to it.  I really trust our Pastor and he has a beautiful marriage.</div>
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  • We did Pre-Cana because we had to in order to get married in the Catholic church. 

    Honestly, I think the "success" or not of pre-marital counceling all comes down to the setup of it and the councelors themselves.

    For ours, it was about 20 couples, and the councelors were two married folks who had been doing this Abbott and Costelllo type of presentation for years.  2 hours a week for 4 weeks, and all we did was listen to them prattle on.  We got a workbook, but no real instruction to do it, no time to work on it together, no time for personal discussion between the two of us.  It was basically like driver's ed in high school:  a means to an end.  We discussed this in a meeting with the Deacon who married us, who was pretty disappointed that we didn't have a more fufilling experience with it.  We did ultimately do the workbook on our own and discuss the pages, but it was nothing about each other or our relationship that we didn't already know about prior to marriage or even engagement.  Overall, I was really disappointed by the experience because it was $200 just to get a lousy certificate but no real depth.

    If you are going to do pre-marital counceling (whether you HAVE to, like we did, or not), I would suggest doing your research into the type, setup, and councellors so you get the best experience possible.  I really wish we had had the nice experiences other posters on here did.
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