I REALLY NEED TO VENT ABOUT MY MOH!!!

jaimed99

Ok, I realize in advance that I'm sure you will all have something to say about this, but I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't think you'd be honest and straightforward with me...so here it goes...

Yes, I feel as if I made a bit of a mistake about choosing my BP a bit early...but, for the most part, I would have chosen the same people in 6 months that I chose now.  I am having both a Matron and Maid of Honor...my Maid is my FI's sister, and she's great...my Matron of Honor is getting to be a bit, er, stressful, and we haven't even planned much!

From the beginning...I met her at culinary school...we became friends right off the bat...in time, she met my ex-hubby and now is married to him with a beautiful son, who is my and FI's godson.  We're one big, happy, dysfunctional family. She and I have had our ups and downs, but we still end up making up and being fine eventually. I have one problem with her, though...

She has a serious issue with self-absorbency and one-upmanship.  I guess since she was the older of two girls who aren't too far apart, she's had to compete for attention, etc...she also has had medical problems...so she's been babied her whole life. Regardless, every time I have something to be excited about (my son doing something new, finding something awesome or having a great idea about the wedding, etc...) she always has something to say to make herself look better..."Oh, well (my son) did that a while ago" "Oh, he can do this and this..." Never mind that her son is 7 months older than mine...so of course he's going to do some things first, duh...

What broke me about this was Saturday...I'm sure some of you saw posts I put up in the past few days about my best friend's dad passing over the weekend...the past two days have been absolutely horrible. When I sent MOH a text to tell her about my friend's dad (since she'd been there when my friend called earlier in the week to tell me he was in the hospital), her response was, "Oh...tell her I'm sorry and give her a hug...and (my cat) caught a mouse"...REALLY?!?!?!?! Am I the only one who is bothered by this?

And just to add a bit more to it, after having spent the past two days consoling my friend, I found out today that one of my classmates from high school was found dead.  Granted, he wasn't someone I was really close to since graduation, but we had a very interesting and fun relationship all through high school.  I sent MOH a message on FB because I am just at an emotional breaking point...and what does she say? "Oh, I got a shock myself...this guy I liked in high school friended me on Facebook..." Um...ok?

I'm not even worried about the wedding...she's giving me very little as far as input recently (but that's fine...we're still a year and a half out)...but she IS going to be helping me with my cake...

I know she's normally like this...it's become a bit worse since she had her son, but what mom isn't proud of her child? I'm simply bothered by the fact that she expects me to jump up and down about things in her life, but she can't give me the consideration of not bringing things up at the worst possible moments...

I know I'm being a bit selfish in some aspects, but I think I've got to be right on some things here...

saxy414

That is pretty odd...I don't know how it makes sense to respond to news of someone dying with "oh, my cat caught a mouse!"  Maybe she's just really, really bad at knowing what to say to bad news like that? (Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt...)

And I'm very sorry for your recent losses...seems like a really tough couple weeks :-(

xoxob

I had a friend like that. I cut her off.

Those kind of things get to me, too. But, your relationship with this woman is a lot more serious than my relationship was to mine. 

Oof. Sounds like you guys need to have a pow-wow 

emilykathleen511

I'm so sorry for your losses. That must be so hard. I'm sorry your friend seems to need a lot of attention and can't set that aside for you. 

mbcdefg

My first reaction to the cat/mouse thing was that maybe she was tying to cheer you up.

The Facebook thing is really weird. Hopefully like PP said, she's just awkward in certain situations.

If she tries to one-up you in regular situations, I'd just ignore it. I also wouldn't talk about your wedding around her too much so that she doesn't annoy you with her comments.

If she does something like the the mouse or Facebook comments to a serious situation, I'd probably say something like, "Um, not really the time or place to make jokes" or "Come on, please be serious, this is a really bad situation here."

jaimed99

Thank you guys...I hadn't even considered that she might have been trying to distract me or cheer me up.

This is why I posted this...you all give alternate perspectives that I wouldn't have thought of

If it happens again, I may have a talk with her...I don't want to damage the friendship if possible, and I definitely don't want her out of my BP....which is why I think I've been holding this all in and keeping my mouth shut with her. I like your suggestion, mbcd...maybe if I point out to her that this is a serious situation and I'm really upset, she'll think about what she says in response.

I know she knows how to act...she got more upset than I did about my grandmother being sick a few weeks ago...so I know she genuinely cares...maybe some of you are right, maybe she just doesn't know what to say...

suz62984

First, sorry about all the sadness in your life lately. Hang in there and things will get better.

Seoncd, maybe she is really bad with death and sad situations. I kinda freeze up and don't know what to say or do when people tell me about someone dying or something sad in their life.

I do understand being friends with a "one upper." My SIL is a "one-upper." I can't stand that but I put up with it because like it or not she is family. Since you are kinda family with her maybe you should say something like "When you made that mouse comment the other day after I told you about _____'s death that really hurt my feelings."

jaimed99

Update: I'm talking to her on FB...she said pretty much what you ladies have been saying...she didn't really know what to say, and we're 600 miles apart so she couldn't give me a hug...and the cat comment was, in fact, a way to try and cheer me up...I apologized for acting like a b!tch and we're cool now...

You guys are so smart! Thanks for your help and input

SCnPM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_really-need-vent-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:01e5eaab-10e5-4270-a9f9-e356e85a210cPost:6c8914b5-4b36-4b14-b2e3-06c1143a3e6a">Re: I REALLY NEED TO VENT ABOUT MY MOH!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a friend like that. I cut her off. Those kind of things get to me, too. But, your relationship with this woman is a lot more serious than my relationship was to mine.  Oof. Sounds like you guys need to have a pow-wow 
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]


^**This 100%... People like that you have to just cut off at somepoint unfortunately if they keep it up.

Not that she is a terrible person, but you aren't going to change her.. Some people can handle people who are like that constantly, but I am not. You should be able to talk to friends, share news with them, call to vent.. But when that person on the other line is consistantly on-upping you or demeaning you by changing the subject to something about them when you really just wanted to talk about your problem during that conversation, it gets old.. FAST.

But best of luck to you.. I hope that things work out for the best. I still talk to the girl, but I slowly let us drift apart because I couldn't take it anymore.. But that's just me.

xoxob

I'm really glad you worked it out!