Can MOH politely refuse 'hair & makeup' without offending bride?

Miss_Freckles

I am the MOH for an upcoming wedding. The bride to be is paying for a make up artist and hair stylist. I'm not a fan of having either done professionally. I explained this to the bride a few times and she sounded disappointed and in the end convinced me to "at least" get my make up done (she is paying for both). Now its the hair. I feel comfortable doing my own hair and my friend has been asking me for months if I had a style in mind. I'm pretty low maintenance most of the time (although I do need at least a good hour to get ready for work each morning and likely won't know until the day of how my hair will look which I try telling her. She's trying to be understanding but I think she's nervous b/c she doesn't know what I'm planning meanwhile its the last thing on my mind (curly or straight?!). Am I being selfish for not putting more emphasis on this? I keep telling her that the focus will be on her and she shouldn't stress about how everyone else will look. Today I got a text asking me not to wear my hair up because none of the other girls will have their hair up. I also realized I no longer want my makeup done. I had it done professionally twice in my life and both times it didn't feel natural. Am I making a bigger deal about this than it should be? Should I just suck it up and go along with hair and makeup bc that is what the bride wants and everyone else is doing? Personally I think asking everyone to have the same hairstyle is extreme (and time consuming since everyone has to wait their turn with only one stylist) but maybe I'm out of the loop and its the norm amongst bridal parties?  I have been in a few weddings before and even then I was the only one who didn't have her hair/make up done - looking back at the photos, I still think I looked great and I'm pretty sure no one was able to tell that I "fixed" myself up all on my own.  

gottahavashorti

Just decline.  A good friend will care more about having you stand by her side than pro makeup and a certain hair style.  And if she doesn't, it's time to have a talk about what is and isn't important on the wedding day - namely, the fact that she's marrying her FI is important and bridesmaid hair styles are not.

[Deleted User]

Look at her and tell her that she can trust you to look beautiful on her wedding day and she has nothing to worry about. I mean good grief it's not like you're going to show up looking like Cyndi Lauper just woke up?! Tell her she needs to stop stressing about it and trust you. And then complain about her behind her back because she is WAY too demanding. Just kidding. No really...

banana468

I'd just sit her down and be honest.

And show her shots of you from other weddings where you took care of things yourself.

More and more weddings have a makeup artist and hair stylist but that doesn't mean that you have to use them.  Be nice but firm with her and she should understand.

quotequeen

You can certainly politely refuse.  Whether you will offend the bride really depends on her.

Miss_Freckles

" I mean good grief it's not like you're going to show up looking like Cyndi Lauper just woke up?! " - hilarious! Putting some sense of humour into it, really lightened the issue up. thanks

Whew, I don't feel so stuck up anymore. Thank you for all the feedback. I will politely decline the makeup the next time we chat emphasizing how greatful I am for the offer. 

kmwingluvr, its actually the opposite. She asked for me NOT to have it up. Luckily when I go out, I dont' like wearing my hair up unless its really hot out and I'm out and about on any given day. For the longest time this summer I thought I would cut my hair really short so that was another reason why I couldn't plan in advance. I've been known to go to a hair salon and just cut off my hair just because. 

kmwingluvr

Oops! Sorry, I misread that. Sounds like you will be all set then, if you wear it down most of the time, you should have plenty of ideas of what to do the day of

trix1223

Miss freckles:  Just say no.  Sweetly, politely, charmingly, but you are well within your rights to say no.  If your friend wants to insist on a specific look, she can hire models to stand in for the pictures rather than be surrounded by her friends.

Really:  My DD and her WP did their own makeup and they looked great.  My younger DD wears lip gloss and a little mascara (sometimes).  She, like you, is very uncomfortable with pro makeup.  She also wore her hair down, one BM has very short hair which she styled herself, and the others wore some form of updo.

The WP, complete with different hairstyles and different makeup looked beautiful.  And I think the reason was that they all looked naturally beautiful, and were comfortable.

kmwing:  Sorry, but I completely disagree with you.  I don't think it's the bride's place at all to micromanage down to hair styles.  Can you tell me a single reason,  one that matters, why the hair styles of the WP should matter at all in a wedding?

deepcovejackie

Miss freckles, you're not being unreasonable at all.  Do you own hair and makeup, and politely decline the professional services.  Don't stress, I bet on the day of the wedding the bride will be too preoccupied to notice.

banana468

It's fine if the bride requests it.

BUT, she also has to be cool if a friend says, "You know, I'd really rather have my hair this way."

And a good bride will listen to her BMs when they express something about how they feel.

And if hair up vs. hair down of one person really messes with a vision, please take a step back and realize how silly that sounds.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-moh-politely-refuse-hair-makeup-offending-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04b4ed8e-4a3c-40d9-80f3-a6db51711f05Post:5cd85463-f276-4b1c-a990-2a8db6b726aa">Re: Can MOH politely refuse 'hair & makeup' without offending bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's fine if the bride requests it. BUT, she also has to be cool if a friend says, "You know, I'd really rather have my hair this way." And a good bride will listen to her BMs when they express something about how they feel. And if hair up vs. hair down of one person really messes with a vision, please take a step back and realize how silly that sounds.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
I totally agree. There is a huge difference between "You know, I think you would all look so pretty with your hair this way." and "You are all going to wear your hair this way." I don't see anything wrong with a bride making suggestions about how bridesmaids should wear their hair and make up, but if one of her girls is really uncomfortable about it then the bride should back off. <div>One of my friends is a huge goth. Full out black make up and everything. I'm going to suggest she wears a shade of blue that compliments her dark make up, but I'm also going to ask that she not do the designs all over her face. I'm not going to stress out about it, just make my preference known. A good bride will let her bridesmaids make their own decisions and just be happy that they look beautiful on their big day, a good bridesmaid will keep the brides tastes and preferences in mind. </div>

banana468

Totally agree.

My BMs asked me what I wanted for their hair and I said, "Up??"  They all did it.  But if one said, "I'd really like it this way," I wouldn't have cared.

yasdnil1

I find it a little contradictory that you say the bride is putting a lot of effort into something that doesn't matter, yet here you are going on and on about how much it matters to you to do your own hair/makeup. Please don't get me wrong--I do not think it's okay to be a bridezilla by any means, but if it would mean a lot to the bride for you to get your hair/make-up done, then just abide by her request and get it done. She is paying for all of it and you can tell the makeup/hair artist you want something very, very simple and that you are super-uncomfortable wearing tons of makeup. This is your friends' day with her fiance and since hair/makeup is important to her, she is shelling out all the cash for it and just ask for your approval.

I say suck it up and get it done professionally. I think in the end if you're stern with how you want to look, a professional will abide by your requests.

good luck either way!

anneblair

The only issue I see is that you already told her yes.   If you would have stuck to your guns I would have been with you on not having it done.   However, since you told her you would . . . . I think you should.   

LC&NG

I would just get my hair and makeup done if that's what the bride wants.

ltsknbty

Of course you can refuse, but the question is: Why would you want too? You are simply thinking of yourself and your own comfort, while the bride is thinking of her wedding photos that she will have for a lifetime. She has budgeted money, and quite a bit of money to hire a stylist and make-up artist to ensure that all the women in her bridal party look absolutely fabulous. It's not about you, it's about the bride. She is your friend, and obviously a close friend if she thinks so highly of you to ask you to be her maid of honor. It's just that - an honor, and honor you accepted and all that goes along with it. It's one day, I'm sure you can endure one day of beautiful hair and makeup. Now, would you rather just accept, put the bride at ease or have her stressing from now until wedding day about what you will look like?

aerinpegadrak

Bridezilla invasion!

Yes, you can refuse.  It may be her day, but it's your damn face and head.  You get the final say.

jaclyndoherty

I find it hard to believe that you spend an hour getting ready every morning and dont want to be pampered with getting your hair and make up done for a wedding. That is my favorite part when I am in weddings. I think you should sit down and get your hair and make up done. The bride wants to give this gift to her bridal party so say thank you and accept it.

banana468

Some people can be quite particular with who touches their hair or makeup.

And yes, these are the bride's photos but shouldn't she want to see a happy BP in them?

This isn't the difference between a BM in her dress or softball attire.  We're talking about doing makeup yourself or having it done by a pro - but the end result is still a BM looking quite lovely.

Miss_Freckles

In response to, "The thing that is confusing me here is if you are the MOH doesn't that mean you and bride are pretty close?  Doesn't she know that you prefer to do your own hair and make up" - actually, we are close but not THAT close. I was shocked that I was even asked to be the MOH. I almost declined afterwards b/c I didn't know if I was the right person.....but that is not the issue.  I will email the bride to ask her if she's finalized numbers with her makeup artist, if not, I'll back out - if I get the sense that it will stress her, maybe as one of the posts says, I should suck it up. On the other hand, I'm also spending money on a dress, shoes I will never wear, hundreds of dollars as a wedding gift, not to mention all the other functions, MOH of not, I think at the end of the day I should decide how I will look like. And I don't buy the line that after we are all professionally done up the photos will look that much nicer. I am very comfortable in my own skin and I don't think I will look any worse off than the girls who did get their makeup done. I have 2 weeks to decide and I know no matter what, it will be a beautiful day either way. thanks again for the feedback - I'm starting to really enjoy this site. A lot of food for thought, even if I'm not a bride to be (yet!).  

bablingbrooke

Don't do it.  If she flips out, that's showing her true colors and you've dodged a bullet.

Seriously--it's makeup.  It's not a sign of support or friendship to do it.  It should be optional and you should take the option to not do it.  As someone who already had her wedding, I can tell you it makes no difference whether a BM gets pro hair and makeup. So for her to make a federal case out of it is just bizarro.

jennifer0124

Maybe she doesn't like how your normally do your hair and makeup and just doesn't want to tell you that.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_can-moh-politely-refuse-hair-makeup-offending-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:04b4ed8e-4a3c-40d9-80f3-a6db51711f05Post:385bab5f-8f10-4b01-841c-742e540bdc0a">Re: Can MOH politely refuse 'hair & makeup' without offending bride?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she doesn't like how your normally do your hair and makeup and just doesn't want to tell you that.
Posted by jennifer0124[/QUOTE]

Even if she doesn't like it - that's not a very nice thing to do or say.