Wedding Party
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HELP! *Vent*

Ok so I'm recently engaged and I haven't officially chosen my wedding party yet as my wedding is over a year away.

One friend I was planning on asking is acting very "different" and I'm not sure if I should ask her anymore.  Here's my story.

She's already married and has a baby on the way (due in a few weeks so maybe hormonal?)
During her wedding planning I did EVERYTHING I could for her, helped with every aspect of the planning, talked her through issues with her family, travelled several times to various activities (including her destination wedding), missed a family wedding for her bachelorette (I also had to take a vacation day to attend as it was out of town on a Friday night), drove 6 hours (3 there and 3 back) to spend 2 hours with her on her baby shower.  During her pregancy every week I would track her baby progress with her (oh the baby now has fingernails!).  Just to show you what type of friend I've been.

So now I'm engaged and every time I bring anything up she changes the subject.  Here is an example of yesterdays conversation:
Me: I just called to book the Limo
Her:Cool!  I think I'm going to do some gardening today, we're having a really nice day.
Me: Yeah, that's great!  FH and I went to see a decorator Monday and we're going to see another one tomorrow.
Her: As if your wedding is the same day as X (a friend of a friend) :(
Me: Where's her wedding?
Her: In a small town.  They're doing a camping thing.
Me: That sounds fun.
Her: Yeah and Y (her best friend's sister in law) is getting married in May and she's having a hawaiian theme!  I have a lot of weddings next year.

and the conversation went on as such...

Some people are saying maybe it's the pregnancy but she's interested in other people's weddings!  The only thing she ever asks is "Have you picked your wedding party yet?"  She always changes the subject and I'm sure she has no idea what our theme is or what our colors are or any of our wedding details.

I don't know but I would think if she wanted to be in my wedding party so much she'd be interested in the details, she'd be asking me what the decorator said (she hasn't messaged me to see how my appt went and she's online), helping me find new ideas...  I have been with my man 8 years and I've been dreaming outplanning my wedding for a long time.. I'm really bummed out :(
Any suggestions?  Should I talk to her about it or just replace her with someone who is more interested?  Has anyone else had this problem?  I'm not the type of person who usually talks about herself (I usually am the listener and problem solver out of my friends) so I think I deserve to wedding talk a little ( I'm not only talking weddings 24/7, I also just returned from Mexico and hasn't asked me about that either)

Re: HELP! *Vent*

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    CA2MT4EveRCA2MT4EveR member
    First Comment
    edited May 2010
    Please see the sticky from Banana at the top of the page
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:05b76057-673e-47dc-890c-e0f1ba28e1d6Post:d3ebdf3d-1ad5-4f6d-ba35-f0ed8417fb26">HELP! *Vent*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so I'm recently engaged and I haven't officially chosen my wedding party yet as my wedding is over a year away. One friend I was planning on asking is acting very "different" and I'm not sure if I should ask her anymore.  Here's my story. She's already married and has a baby on the way (due in a few weeks so maybe hormonal?) During her wedding planning I did EVERYTHING I could for her, helped with every aspect of the planning, talked her through issues with her family, travelled several times to various activities (including her destination wedding), missed a family wedding for her bachelorette (I also had to take a vacation day to attend as it was out of town on a Friday night), drove 6 hours (3 there and 3 back) to spend 2 hours with her on her baby shower.  During her pregancy every week I would track her baby progress with her (oh the baby now has fingernails!).  Just to show you what type of friend I've been. So now I'm engaged and every time I bring anything up she changes the subject.  Here is an example of yesterdays conversation: Me: I just called to book the Limo Her:Cool!  I think I'm going to do some gardening today, we're having a really nice day. Me: Yeah, that's great!  FH and I went to see a decorator Monday and we're going to see another one tomorrow. Her: As if your wedding is the same day as X (a friend of a friend) :( Me: Where's her wedding? Her: In a small town.  They're doing a camping thing. Me: That sounds fun. Her: Yeah and Y (her best friend's sister in law) is getting married in May and she's having a hawaiian theme!  I have a lot of weddings next year. and the conversation went on as such... Some people are saying maybe it's the pregnancy but she's interested in other people's weddings!  The only thing she ever asks is "Have you picked your wedding party yet?"  She always changes the subject and I'm sure she has no idea what our theme is or what our colors are or any of our wedding details. I don't know but I would think if she wanted to be in my wedding party so much she'd be interested in the details, she'd be asking me what the decorator said (she hasn't messaged me to see how my appt went and she's online), helping me find new ideas...  I have been with my man 8 years and I've been dreaming outplanning my wedding for a long time.. I'm really bummed out :( Any suggestions?  Should I talk to her about it or just replace her with someone who is more interested?  Has anyone else had this problem?  I'm not the type of person who usually talks about herself (I usually am the listener and problem solver out of my friends) so I think I deserve to wedding talk a little ( I'm not only talking weddings 24/7, I also just returned from Mexico and hasn't asked me about that either)
    Posted by superheroprincess[/QUOTE]

    No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. If you really want to "replace" one of your friends for someone who is "more interested" in your wedding than go ahead but you aren't being a good friend in doing so. Also, you wedding is over a year away. You have a lot of planning and time. Just because she hasn't been super excited in your conversations over the past few weeks doesn't mean she isn't happy for you or excited. In fact, the conversation you mentioned above didn't sound bad at all.
    Anniversary
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    Worry about choosing your bridal part in 6 months.  She's about to have a baby! 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:05b76057-673e-47dc-890c-e0f1ba28e1d6Post:d3ebdf3d-1ad5-4f6d-ba35-f0ed8417fb26">HELP! *Vent*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so I'm recently engaged and I haven't officially chosen my wedding party yet as my wedding is over a year away. One friend I was planning on asking is acting very "different" and I'm not sure if I should ask her anymore.  Here's my story. She's already married and has a baby on the way (due in a few weeks so maybe hormonal?) During her wedding planning I did EVERYTHING I could for her, helped with every aspect of the planning, talked her through issues with her family, travelled several times to various activities (including her destination wedding), missed a family wedding for her bachelorette (I also had to take a vacation day to attend as it was out of town on a Friday night), drove 6 hours (3 there and 3 back) to spend 2 hours with her on her baby shower.  During her pregancy every week I would track her baby progress with her (oh the baby now has fingernails!).  Just to show you what type of friend I've been. So now I'm engaged and every time I bring anything up she changes the subject.  Here is an example of yesterdays conversation: Me: I just called to book the Limo Her:Cool!  I think I'm going to do some gardening today, we're having a really nice day. Me: Yeah, that's great!  FH and I went to see a decorator Monday and we're going to see another one tomorrow. Her: As if your wedding is the same day as X (a friend of a friend) :( Me: Where's her wedding? Her: In a small town.  They're doing a camping thing. Me: That sounds fun. Her: Yeah and Y (her best friend's sister in law) is getting married in May and she's having a hawaiian theme!  I have a lot of weddings next year. and the conversation went on as such... Some people are saying maybe it's the pregnancy but she's interested in other people's weddings!  The only thing she ever asks is "Have you picked your wedding party yet?"  She always changes the subject and I'm sure she has no idea what our theme is or what our colors are or any of our wedding details. I don't know but I would think if she wanted to be in my wedding party so much she'd be interested in the details, she'd be asking me what the decorator said (she hasn't messaged me to see how my appt went and she's online), helping me find new ideas...  I have been with my man 8 years and I've been dreaming outplanning my wedding for a long time.. I'm really bummed out :( Any suggestions?  <strong>Should I talk to her about it or just replace her with someone who is more interested?</strong>  Has anyone else had this problem?  I'm not the type of person who usually talks about herself (I usually am the listener and problem solver out of my friends) so I think I deserve to wedding talk a little ( I'm not only talking weddings 24/7, I also just returned from Mexico and hasn't asked me about that either)
    Posted by superheroprincess[/QUOTE]
    It's fantastic that you went above and beyond for her wedding, but it was just that: more than the requirement.  Not everyone is into weddings.

    However, you've said that she is currently interested in other people's weddings, but not yours.  That, I find strange.  Around here, we usually recommend changing the subject (commonly referred to as bean dipping) as a way of shutting down a line of questioning that you don't want to entertain.  So for some reason, she really, really doesn't want to talk about your wedding.

    It sounds like either 1) she has some issues going on in her own life (possibly related to the pregnancy) or 2) perhaps she doesn't approve of your marriage.  Either way, you should have a heart-to-heart to her and find out what's going on.

    But don't plan on replacing her.  If she's still one of your closest friends, it doesn't matter how interested she is in the wedding.  Replacing her is a terrible thing to do.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    bbyckesbbyckes member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    Well, don't ask her.  And stop subjecting yourself to her disinterest.  And it could be you're closer to her than she is to you.

    It seems like you want some reciprocity for doing everything you did for her wedding.  Weddings and bridal parties are not tit-for-tat.  Stop discussing wedding planning with her, you're not going to get the response or reaction you want - and you can't make her respond the way you want her to.  Save yourself this grief.
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    You shouldn't pick her because I bet her baby would distract her from her real job of planning your wedding.
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    Honestly, I don't know why your friend doesn't sound excited. Maybe she thinks that you aren't going to choose her as a BM and is sensitive about it (even though you're wise to wait). Maybe she's busy with her pregnancy and not thinking about the wedding. Maybe she secretly hates you and doesn't care about your wedding. And you can't know with certainty either.

    The only thing you CAN do is ask yourself whether this person is one of your closest friends in the world, someone who you want by your side when you get married regardless of how interested she sounds in the party or how much she helps/how much you helped. And for the record, I think you went to kind of crazy extremes, so please don't hold her to your standards.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:05b76057-673e-47dc-890c-e0f1ba28e1d6Post:0b0238fd-7d00-4134-8b2d-44bf32238790">Re: HELP! *Vent*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I don't know why your friend doesn't sound excited. Maybe she thinks that you aren't going to choose her as a BM and is sensitive about it (even though you're wise to wait).
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
    Actually, this sounds extremely likely.  Maybe she doesn't realize that you haven't asked anyone yet, and thinks that she got passed over.  So she could be a little hurt and doesn't want to talk about it, or she's trying not to make you feel guilty by avoiding the subject.

    Still think you need to just talk to her, though.  Very few problems in any relationship can't be settled by two logical and reasonable adults talking through the issue and hearing each other out.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    CA2, the whole issue of someone not being excited for your wedding isn't really covered in the sticky.

    And OP, for the record, I'm pretty sure my FI barely knew what our colors were. Please don't get so wrapped up in wedding-land that you think your friend's lack of interest in the minute details is in any way, shape or form a comment on how much she cares about you.
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    Unfortunately, you and I are in the same boat! My best friend got married in October and was engaged for 2 years during which I helped her plan and cancel 5 weddings! She continuously changed her mind. But she was my bff and I was happy for her, so I went above and beyond as her MOH.

    Now that I am engaged (have been since March), she could care less. She has not said congratulations or even asked to see my ring or ask any details about the wedding! I understand that a MOH or BM is not required to dedicate themselves to planning or helping with my wedding, however, a congrats from someone  who I've been friends with since I was 3 yrs old, would be nice.

    You are frustrated and upset and I understand that, but in the end you have to decide if she's really a friend to you (outside of wedding planning- has she been there for you when you need her?) or is she just someone who takes from your friendship but never contributes anything to it? I'm struggling to figure that out with my bff as well. Its not easy, but it will work out. I would recommend talking to her and asking what her deal is? I would talk openly and honestly with her and explain that while you don't expect her to go everywhere and do everything with you, it would be nice if she could muster a little happiness for you.
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    Thank you aerinpegadrak you seem to have really understood my question.

    Thank you for your advise bbyckes I'll try that for sure.

    I think some of you (especially Andy with her comment) seem to misundstand what I mean.  I'm not asking her to "plan" my wedding.  I'm asking for SOME interest.  I know the wedding is far away but where I'm from you have to book a year in advance and I would just like someone to share in my excitement.

    I realize that weddings aren't "tit for tat" and of course I know she has a baby on the way and has a lot on her mind right now.  The thing that bothers me is that she is obviously asking details of other people's weddings and is only interested in knowing if she's in my wedding party (well that's how I feel anyway). 

    I have a lot of close friends so I dont think it would make me a "bad friend" to chose another friend to stand up for me if this one is not that interested.  (I'm not asking for her to talk to me all day every day, just show some interest, I'm sure if I changed the subject every time she mentioned her baby she would be upset as well)
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    Probably should be in the sticky, though.  I'd say about 80% of the people coming here asking how to fire a BM are doing so because the BM in question simply isn't excited enough.

    This does sound like a slightly different situation, though. 
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    P.S. this is writergirl28...TK keeps changing my picture and putting random numbers as my name instead...so annoying!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_vent-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:05b76057-673e-47dc-890c-e0f1ba28e1d6Post:24948ee9-3987-4c7a-a872-572d71c74fca">Re: HELP! *Vent*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you aerinpegadrak you seem to have really understood my question. Thank you for your advise bbyckes I'll try that for sure. I think some of you (especially Andy with her comment) seem to misundstand what I mean.  I'm not asking her to "plan" my wedding.  I'm asking for SOME interest.  I know the wedding is far away but where I'm from you have to book a year in advance and I would just like someone to share in my excitement. I realize that weddings aren't "tit for tat" and of course I know she has a baby on the way and has a lot on her mind right now.  The thing that bothers me is that she is obviously asking details of other people's weddings and is only interested in knowing if she's in my wedding party (well that's how I feel anyway).  I have a lot of close friends so I dont think it would make me a "bad friend" to chose another friend to stand up for me if this one is not that interested.  (I'm not asking for her to talk to me all day every day, just show some interest, I'm sure if I changed the subject every time she mentioned her baby she would be upset as well)
    Posted by superheroprincess[/QUOTE]
    Just make sure that your reason for not choosing her, if that's your decision, is that you don't feel she's one of your closest friends, and that's it.  Since you haven't asked yet, you're not booting her, but it would kind of suck to exclude someone who really is close to you because she's not interested in the wedding.  The important thing is whether she supports you and your marriage, not whether she cares about the details of the party.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Thanks guys you're really helping.

    605199250005222 - Your post actually made me cry.  I'm so sorry you are going through this too. This is exactly how I feel.  I wish you the best.
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    Dude, Aerin quotes part of my advice and gets all the glory? Sadness.

    OP, separate excitement from friendship. I'll agree that if one of my best friends showed ZERO excitement for my wedding, I'd find that strange, but I'd look at it in terms of what could be causing her to act this way (thinking she wasn't a BM, being busy with her pregnancy, etc). I wouldn't assume that it was because she just didn't care that her close friend was getting married. As you plan, you'll find that some people who aren't necessarily good friends are really excited for you because they just like weddings. Other close friends might not care about the details. Just as your random co-worker being excited doesn't make her your BFF, your BFF not asking about your vendor meeting doesn't make her not your friend anymore.
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    I'll share the glory, Emily, it's coo'.  You were the one to hit on that point, I hadn't even thought of that.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2010
    OP-you're thinking "My wedding is only a year away!"  Your fried is thinking "Her wedding is a WHOLE year away!"

     I think it's amazing that you were so uber-involved in her wedding and her pregnancy.  But that's YOU.  That's not anyone else but you.  No one, I assume, forced you to be that interested/involved.

    I have to be honest.  I would not have been so deeply involved in someone else's wedding or pregnancy.  I wasn't that involved in my own son's wedding planning.  I wasn't that involved in my sister's or my niece's pregnancies.

    You simply can't consider your friend a bad friend because she's not superbridesmaid. 

    And I have to say one other thing:  if I were getting teeny tiny details this far out, I'd be zoning out too.  Sorry, but it sounds like weddings are your thing.  And that's nice for you.

    Finally, I also have to say that should the time come when you're having children, it's a pretty overwhelming thing.  Especially in the last few weeks.  You're tired, scared, excited, nervous-you name it, you're experiencing every one of those emotions.

    Give her a break.  Let her have her baby and come back to earth.  There's really nothing for a WP to do now anyway.  You're getting yourself all worked up and what exactly will it accomplish?

    Write this on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror:  No one will be as excited about my wedding as I will. 



    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    I guess what annoyed me about your OP is that it seemed like you were dangling being in your wedding party in front of your friend to see if she wanted it badly enough.  But seriously - a year out there is not a single person who is going to be giddy about your wedding.  Do you think that there is something else going on?  Does she like your FI? 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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    Haha OP, don't sweat it, I was just joking around.

    It sounds like you've been able to take a lot of this advice and calm down about things a bit, so for that I'm glad for you. I hope that you guys work it out, and have fun squeezing your friend's new baby!
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