Bride wants to pick dresses 18 months out!

honeybee724

 I need a polite way to say I'm not okay with this.  I know she's really excited and wants to plan stuff and also that, due to circumstances, she won't have much time to plan in the 11 months preceding her wedding.  But I can't be comfortable committing to a dress that far out.

SarahPLiz

Tell her just what you told us, that you realize that she won't have a lot of time right before the wedding, but that you don't feel comfortable committing to a dress now. You can point out that styles and people change a lot over 18 months time, as do wedding themes, visions of the day, colors, waistlines, and budgets (both for BP and B&G). She has already jumped the gun by asking her WP so early, so she is probably just on a roll.

Maybe you can convince her to just pick a color and a designer, and then around 6-8 months out, each of her BMs could pick one of those dresses. If she gies for that, then even if she is super busy and unavailable, you all could pick your own style from that designer and color and she wouldn't have anything to technically worry about.

MyNameIsNot

She's nuts. 

I think the only thing you can do is be really frank.  "Look, bride, I get that you want to plan things early, but this is ridiculous.  I'm just not going to order a dress 18 months in advance.  I have no idea what size I will be then, how many things will change, and whether you will change your mind on the wedding completely.  I get that you will be MIA soon, but I will not, and I am the one buying the dress.  I will order my dress at a reasonable time, 6 months prior to the wedding.  If this dress gets discontinued between now and then, so be it."

Or send her here.

aerinpegadrak

"Bride, a lot can happen in 18 months.  You could decide to change the color scheme and venue entirely.  I could get pregnant and have a baby.  Completely new lines of clothes will come out, and the dresses you choose now could look horribly out of fashion.  I could gain a ton of weight.  I could lose a ton of weight.  There is really no reason for me to buy a dress for the wedding right now, and a million reasons why I shouldn't."

She can certainly try to settle on a color and designer (hopefully she's already asked you all your price ranges) now.  You can maybe go shopping now to get an idea of what looks good on all of you, particularly if she wants you all in the same dress.  Then if that exact dress isn't available next year, you can find something similar because you know what will and won't work.  But there's absolutely no reason to place an actual order now.

Tell her you know a bride who's four months away from her wedding, and none of her attendants have picked their outfits yet.  If I'm not stressing, neither should she.

honeybee724

Maybe I can convince her on picking just the designer.  I hope at least.  No, she hasn't asked about budget but she has already been talking about additional bridesmaid requirements (hair, nails, etc).  ::headdesk::

mags0607

Oh no, this sounds like a sticky situation. I agree with pp here, you need to be frank and tell her that you are not comfortable buying a dress so far out, and that she might completely change her mind, You don't want to spend the money and then have her horribly dissapointed because in a year she finds something better than what she picked ( I am assuming she picked one dress for you guys). Then both she and you guys are stuck.

Just curious, how many other attendants does she have?

I am ten months out and haven't started dress shopping for me much less taken my girls to look at dresses.

honeybee724

She plans on 5, maybe 6.

mags0607

Has anyone else brought this up to her, or were you the first that she ran this idea by? I don't think you would be the only one that would have issues with this, so maybe if she gets multiple pleas, she will rethink.

If it were me, I would sit her down, and tell her your concerns in a very non-confrontational way. If you can come across as trying to be helpful, she may be more receptive to the idea of holding off.

honeybee724

I'm the only one she has discussed it with.  Probably because I'm the only one she has asked to be in the wedding party.

gottahavashorti

If she brings up the "additional requirements" again, let her know that if she wants those things, she has to front the bill for them.  "I would never have thought to include those extra details.  Are you sure you don't mind the extra expense that will add to your wedding budget?"

Maybe appease her and go try on dresses now, but definitely wait to get measured and order.  There are so many things that could change in 18 months as PPs have said.

banana468

Ditto telling her that YOU aren't going to budget for the extras.  Let her know that you're prepared to pay for the dress but the extras aren't working for your wallet in this economy.

And DITTO the fine advice already given on why it's so NOT smart to ask the BMs to buy dresses now.

If I was in a wedding 18 months from now, I'd also flat out refuse to buy the dress.  I have NO idea what size I'll be in 18 months. 

emilyinchile

Tell her no on the dress, for all the reasons PPs have said.

And either say something like what shorti said about the extras, or when you guys discuss dress budget (assuming she remembers to ask you....if not then you'll just have to find a way to bring it up!) make sure to say "my budget is $X, so that's for the dress and alterations and plus of course anything else like shoes or make-up if we have to pay for those things." Just make it clear that there is a limit on how much you're able/willing to spend in total to avoid confusion down the line.

swim1011

I thought I was insane for looking at dresses a year out, and it was only because if we didn't do it last May, we wouldn't have been able to get together again until October, at the very least.  (Both girls got married, in July and then August, and have busy work schedules to boot).  Heck no to the dresses 18 months out.

I want to point out that it did not go over well with my bff when I (delicately) pointed out if nails, shoes, etc, were required, that she should pay for them.  Her antiquated hairdresser also told her that if she didn't require a *specific* updo, that she didn't have to pay for that, either.  (Since when did requiring any form of a hairstyle not qualify as requiring??) 

Anyway.  Tell her happy BMs love being able to pick their own styles (specific designer, length, fabric and color) and their own hairstyle, makeup, shoes and nails, also jewelry.  Or refer her here, and we'll happily tell her ourselves!

irish_baby84

Wow!! 18 months seriously?? That's craziness. Ditto what everyone else has already said.  I'm a MOH for my bff's wedding this weekend, and we barely ordered our dresses in Oct. A lot can happen in 18 months, people change, bodies change, styles change... relationships change. I would just sit her down and let her know that 18 months is a little bit ridiculous

megk8oz

Just ditto Banana a million times over on this. The dress, the extras, just everything.

Does she realize that in 18 months, somebody could get pregnant, have the kid and get pregnant again?

If it makes you feel any better, my darling sisters (... whom I might need to murder, lol) thought I was a "neurotic head case" because we went dress shopping 4 months out (Because let's face it, at 4 months out, "How could you possibly know the dresses were going to fit?").

Granted, both of my sisters are nuts ... but if they got that touchy about 4 months out, I think that I might have been stabbed in the face if I even suggested looking at 18 months out.

megk8oz

BTW, does anybody else get the feeling that in another 6 months or so we're going to get a post from a bride crying that her "dream BM dresses" are discontinued and her uncooperative BP still hasn't committed to buying them for her wedding that's a year away?

jennylove810

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bride-wants-pick-dresses-18-months-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0611ce83-3f15-4934-97d3-e80bd0c8eca0Post:a88fcee4-f3f0-4be1-9d92-0a926950d293">Re: Bride wants to pick dresses 18 months out!</a>:
[QUOTE]BTW, does anybody else get the feeling that in another 6 months or so we're going to get a post from a bride crying that her "dream BM dresses" are discontinued and her uncooperative BP still hasn't committed to buying them for her wedding that's a year away?
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

One can only hope.

honeybee724

Oh no doubt it'll happen.  She also has told me she wants her shower next summer....a year in advance.  And in the 2-3 weeks prior to my wedding.

gottahavashorti

Wow.  I bet you'll be too busy for a shower then.  And shower gifts aren't supposed to be used until after the wedding, so she'll have a ton of boxes sitting at her home for a year that she can't touch.  Not to mention she doesn't get to choose whether you host one or dictate the date aside from ensuring there aren't scheduling conflicts.

banana468

You may want to point her towards some etiquette sites.  People will not attend a shower that early.

Plus, you'll have so much going on.

Maybe she should go to TK anyway.  It sounds like she needs a bit of a reality check on how she wants things vs. what is appropriate.