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Bachelorette Mayhem

Friday night was my Bachelorette party. The whole night was so much fun. I am not sure that I could have had a better night until the ride back home. We all rode in a van and had a DD, so we knew that we would all get home safely. We had all had several drinks that night and were talking when one of my bridesmaids decided to tell everyone that she lost her virginity to my fiance!!!!!! She continued on to say that she had been madly in love with him and that he had done her wrong. She even started crying. I have no idea how to handle this situation.  

Re: Bachelorette Mayhem

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    Wow.  That really, really sucks.  I'm so sorry.

    Did she mention whether that happened before or after you were with your FI?  While it sucks that 1) you never knew that and 2) you found out at your bach party, if you weren't with your FI when it happened, technically she didn't do anything wrong on that end.  I totally understand your feelings, though, and it would totally piss me off too.

    She owes you a big, fat apology at the very least, regardless of what else happens.  And while I don't think people are entitled to a laundry list of past lovers from their partners, I do think that a good friend is a pretty glaring omission on your FI's part.

    With regard to what you do next: Ask yourself what the effect of this bombshell would have been without a wedding involve.  Say the day before your FI proposed she had said the same thing.  How would that have impacted your relationship with both your BM and, more importantly, your FI?  Have you talked to him about it at all?
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    Dude...I think she needs to apologize. That's pretty lame of her. Your fiance obviously loves you. He chose to marry you. Keep in mind that she was drunk, and people say crazy stuff when they're drunk. Still, she was in the wrong. You shouldn't feel bad about anything. Your fiance is your fiance, not hers. She needs to get over it, because obviously, he's not going to choose her at the last minute. lol.
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    YIKES that is rough!  I can't tell from your post if their fling was news to you, or if she just thought it was a good time to announce it to the rest of the van.  Either way, what a terribly awkward ride home that must have been.

    I think you definitley need to talk to her.  Honestly since your party was on Friday, I'm surprised she hasn't sucked it up and called you yet.  She's probably horribly embarassed (and rightly so!) or her memory is hazy and she doesn't remember what went down.

    What does your fiance have to say about all this? 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-mayhem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07743200-1e14-4728-a34d-7467e9c352ccPost:670242a9-4f9a-44bf-84ba-8ed359e7b090">Bachelorette Mayhem</a>:
    [QUOTE]Friday night was my Bachelorette party. The whole night was so much fun. I am not sure that I could have had a better night until the ride back home. We all rode in a van and had a DD, so we knew that we would all get home safely. We had all had several drinks that night and were talking when one of my bridesmaids decided to tell everyone that she lost her virginity to my fiance!!!!!! She continued on to say that she had been madly in love with him and that he had done her wrong. She even started crying. I have no idea how to handle this situation.  
    Posted by KendraA2010[/QUOTE]

    That sucks... a lot. Make sure you let her know that she really upset you with that comment. It was totally uncalled for. Even if you are drunk...that's not really an excuse to act like an idiot.

    I'm not sure if anyone else thinks this is a good idea, but I would actually ask your FI about it. She might have just been lying, or at the very least exaggerating. I'm not saying she was totally making it up, but having both sides of the story is probably a good idea. He might have a very different take on what happened, if anything happened at all. Keep in mind, though, that if this happened before you two were together, technically they did nothing wrong. It does suck though. Good luck with that.
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    Whatever you do, don't let this ruin your wedding or your relationship with your husband.  You probably already confronted him and screamed at him?  Hopefully not.  But if he had a fling with her in the past, I don't know that he necessarity had to tell you that.  It's his past sex life.  He might have to tell you his past, serious girlfriends, esp if she is a friend of yours.  But if they had a one night stand or a short lived fling, it's not the end of the world.  I agree with Brooke that it does suck and it is not something that you should have found about, esp under the circumstances - her being drunk, and being at the bach party.  I don't like that BM said she was madly in love with him.  What did she want to prove by saying that?  That she is jealous of you or something.. what.  All I know is that it was immature on her part and that in the end, this will all go away
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    WOW- that sucks! 
    Have you spoken to FI? Was this before or after you entered the picture?

    While she may have been really into your FI it could have been just a one time thing for him. I don't know all the details but if she lost her virginity to him and then he "did her wrong" it probably meant a whole lot more to her than to him.

    I think it was a big omission on your FI's part just because you are obviously close with this girl and she's in your wedding. I think it was a big omission on her part to keep it from you this long.

    You need to talk to him and see what he says. I think she owes you an apology for bringing that up when she did. Also, if it bothered her so much why did she agree to be in your wedding or not tell you when you were dating and got serious?
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    Do you have a sense of how long ago all of this happened? (i.e. were they like 20 yr olds at the time and you're 28 or something, for example?)

    And did your FI never tell you that he'd slept with one of your good friends? If that was a total shock...then yeah, I agree with Brooke that was a pretty glaring omission. Not that you or he have to give each other a detailed, name by name list of people you slept with prior to getting together, but if you're good friends with one of those people it might be the prudent thing to do to let the other person know so stuff like this doesn't come out like a bombshell at some point down the road.

    I think this is one of those cases where I'd let this one lay until the friend in question has had time to sober up and think about what she said and how she wants to approach you now that that's been dumped out there in front of you and your other friends.

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    In vino veritas, man...  People don't really lie when they're drunk.  I'd talk to both your FI and her ASAP and find out when it happened, and more detail.  Honestly, I'd even recommend putting the wedding on hold until you get to the bottom of this.  I'm not sure I'd be willing to marry someone who used one of my friends like that.
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    This reminds me of when I was at a bach party last fall for SIL's SIL.  The BMs passed out a list of questions to everyone that we had to answer about the bride.  One of the questions was "How old was bride the first time she made whoopie"  Then the bride went through all of the questions and answered them out loud.  When it got to that question, she answered, then she turned to one of the girls there and said "haha, Makayla, how does it make you feel that the first time I made whoopie was with your husband?"

    Turns out the bride had dated this girl's husband along time ago...like when they were 16...we're 24 now.  But still, I didn't really think that was an appropriate thing to share with everyone at the party....
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    Did you know that the 2 of them dated before? I can understand your surprise but it really doesn't change anything. You are friends with this girl and you are marrying your FI.  I would just not mention it. What difference does it really make that the 2 of them slept together before?
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    If this was a one night fling thing.. like say they were 16 years old at a party and got drunk and one thing led to another, and the girl all of a sudden fell in love, but for the guy it was just a mistake and a one time thing..I don't think FI really has to mention that.. esp if he thought it was a mistake and just erased it from his mind.

    If however, it was more than just a one night stand, and they had a relationship, then FI should have mentioned that I would think.  When FI met OP, and then he found out she is friends with the girl, he can say "Hey I know her too.  We dated briefly." 

    It would be a little weird if he said, "Hey I know her too.  We had a one night stand."

    See the difference.  It's a little unnecessary to mention who his one night stands were.

    Esp because he didn't want to give his new gf the impression that he uses girls for sex and one night stands when that might not be the case.  It might have been a one night drunken mistake.
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    Oh wow.  OK, that sucks.  Your bridesmaid was with your FI and somehow it ended badly.  What does your FI say?  I'm going to agree with Manwaithiel, and say that you should really talk to your fiance.  You need to get the facts from him.

    It's quite disturbing that she chose to tell you now, and in front of a whole bunch of people, and in a place where you literally couldn't get out of the situation.  It seems like she has a second agenda, or at the very least wanted to somehow punish or humiliate you. 

    I'd take what she has to say with a grain of salt and go right to your fiance for the facts.
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    I don't know, I don't think she was necessarily being malicious.  Imagine if you were watching a very good friend marrying a man that broke your heart, but holding it in because she's happy...  Eventually you're going to snap and let it out.
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    I assume this happened before you but I'd be done with her, she was your friend, now your bridesmaid and didn't mention the fact she's seen YOUR fiance naked....?

    I'd be shocked, probably slap the drunk b**** . How can you be friends with someone who is 2 faced and carries this secret around with her...?

    Oh and I agree with the others, talk to your fiance too....
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    Yeah but how long did she have to tell her? It's not like they just started dating. They have been dating, got serious, got engaged, and their wedding is in less than 2 weeks. If she wanted to tell her she should have done it already. If she was truly hurt and felt they shouldn't be getting married she should not have agreed to be a BM. Honestly, I think that it just meant more to her because it was her virginity that she lost. She got caught up in the emotions. Sex doesn't always mean the same to guys as it does girls.
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    I don't know about everyone else on here but when in my circle of friends, when we've had a new bf or dating someone, everyone meets him and later gives their opinion on him, usually 'he's cute' or 'he looks nice' something along those lines. If I had slept with a guy and my friend brings him around, I would tell her about it and she'd probably feel grossed about it and stop talking to him.

    Would any of you feel comfortable dating someone you know has been inside one of your friends?  it's different when it's girls you don't know, haven't met or seen but an actual friend is too crazy in my opinion
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    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-mayhem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07743200-1e14-4728-a34d-7467e9c352ccPost:b0bc72c0-8245-4442-b020-1971c9a712d3">Re: Bachelorette Mayhem</a>:
    [QUOTE]Would any of you feel comfortable dating someone you know has been inside one of your friends? 
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    Well that's a gross but true statement. I don't think she should break off the engagement a week before the wedding because of something a drunk "friend" said; however talk to FI.

    My FI actually went out with my best friend a few times. She got back together with her old BF and love of her life. She even introduced FI and I. They only kissed once but I could understand how it might be weird to sleep with the same guy. Looking back I don't think it would have kept me from dating him. I liked him so much from the start that I think I would've been alright with it.
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    loop0406loop0406 member
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    edited July 2010
    Don't get me wrong, I still think the wedding should go as planned...without the bridesmaid who is in love with fiance and has forgotten to share the important detail that she's slept with him....till last minute. she thinks he did her wrong but she is madly in love with him?  Sorry but I wouldn't want a girl like that with those feelings around my husband/new house/new life...
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
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    edited July 2010
    I think calling off the wedding *without* talking to her FI is a mistake.  For all we know:

    1.  This never actually happened.

    or 

    2.  This was a one-night stand that happened 10 years ago and, because he was the BM's "first" she read a lot more into it than she should have.

    She needs to talk to her FI and the now-sober BM and figure out what actually happened.  Then go from there.  Communication is key and it sounds like a lot of secrets have been kept from OP.  

    While it did initially make me squirm to learn that my DH had had a fling with a coworker of mine two years before he and I met, now I'm really not bothered by it (edit: It also helps that I don't work with her anymore).  I don't exactly like to think or talk about it, but it never comes up and I certainly didn't end the relationship over it.  And this was someone I had to see every day.  It really sucked for awhile, but he and I worked through it and our communication and relationship emerged even stronger because of it.  If OP and her FI have a good, solid relationship, I'm hopeful they can do the same.  
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    I wouldn't be so quick to point fingers, FI could've said something. That's kind of sexist to think that it's the woman's fault. She is the one that came forward with it. Although, when they first started dating, she could have mentioned it to her as a friend. Find out the facts, when did it happen? Hopefully, before you were together. But was it right before you were together or 10 years?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-mayhem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07743200-1e14-4728-a34d-7467e9c352ccPost:b217ad25-05dd-4e13-8c9c-939c26f54476">Re: Bachelorette Mayhem</a>:
    [QUOTE] While it did initially make me squirm to learn that my DH had had a fling with a coworker of mine two years before he and I met, now I'm really not bothered by it (edit: It also helps that I don't work with her anymore).  I don't exactly like to think or talk about it, but it never comes up and I certainly didn't end the relationship over it.  And this was someone I had to see every day.  It really sucked for awhile, but he and I worked through it and our communication and relationship emerged even stronger because of it.  If OP and her FI have a good, solid relationship, I'm hopeful they can do the same.  
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Ditto. The initial knowledge sucks. One of FI's best friends from high school and he had a "fling". They weren't dating, but...you know. The first couple times we met up with her, I was kind of "meh" about it. It's just not something you want to think about with the love of your life. It eventually calmed down and I had to remind myself "I've dated other guys too. I've kissed other guys too. It was a long time ago. I wasn't in the picture yet." Etc.

    I am curious though about the timing of the OP's incident. That really has everything to do with the scale to which this should affect things. Especially if it was while the OP and the FI were a thing because then we have some major things and then I agree with Aerin that they need to at least take a step back and perhaps put the wedding on hold.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-mayhem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07743200-1e14-4728-a34d-7467e9c352ccPost:d8dc6ce1-2cd9-4229-8e70-1387ce1249fa">Re: Bachelorette Mayhem</a>:
    [QUOTE]In vino veritas, man... Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    I was trying to think of this phrase earlier. Thanks for posting it!
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    I have to say, I really hope OP comes back to follow up on this. I'm really curious as to what happened.
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    It sounds like it was a rather unfortunate thing that she blurted it out. 

    But were you with your FI at the time?

    I know that in some circles, it's more than possible for this sort of thing to happen.  It isn't fantastic, but as long as they didn't go around your back, I think you need to move on.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-mayhem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07743200-1e14-4728-a34d-7467e9c352ccPost:d8dc6ce1-2cd9-4229-8e70-1387ce1249fa">Re: Bachelorette Mayhem</a>:
    [QUOTE]In vino veritas, man...  People don't really lie when they're drunk.  I'd talk to both your FI and her ASAP and find out when it happened, and more detail.  Honestly, I'd even recommend putting the wedding on hold until you get to the bottom of this. <strong> I'm not sure I'd be willing to marry someone who used one of my friends like that.</strong>
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure you could jump to that conclusion. Since this guy was her first, it's very possible he didn't mean anything serious by it, but she attached a LOT of emotion to it, especially since she said she was "in love" with him. In that case, it's not anyone's fault. She could harbor ill-will towards him for breaking her heart, but I'm not going to assume he did so intentionally or maliciously.

    I *do* however, find it odd that this is a surprise, if indeed it is. If she was an acquaintance and they had just kissed, fine. Hell, I kissed a guy FI was sort of friends with in grad school and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that. But sleeping with one of you best friends? I'm assuming it was before their relationships started, but even assuming you didn't go through the laundry list of everyone you've had sex with (FI and I haven't), I find that to be very secretive and wrong. I'm surprised it wasn't known before now.
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    When we we 16 (we're now 26), I had some friends over (including my FI who was just a friend at the time). We played a sort of truth or dare game that involved a few people making out. My FI made out with one of my friends and me (not at the same time), and I made out with him and another one of his friends (once again, not at the same time). Ooooh, scandalous. It's now a running joke in our circle of friends. We were young and dumb.

    I don't know why I just shared that with everyone...

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    That's why I think she needs to get to the bottom of it without delay.  If it was just a fling and her FI didn't have any ill intent, then it's not really a huge deal.  But if there was more to it, she really needs to know, and NOW.  And I really think she needs to hear details from both sides, in case the stories don't add up.
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    Whoa...kick her out of the party...SORRY! I'm mean like that...Well, actually talk to both your fiancée and her (sober of course) and find out what really happened. But she should NOT have dropped a bomb like that in that situation...
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    Thank you so much ladies for all of the advice. I told my finace about what was said.The incident...or incidents as it turned out did happen before my fiance and I got together, so I am not concerned about the fact that they had sex at some point. We all have pasts and we have agreed to move on from that, What I am concerned about is the "Madly in Love" part and the fact that all of this info was shared at my party. My fiance said that they had dated for about a month and then agreed to just be friends. The way my BM said it makes me wonder if that is how she saw the situation. She even shared that she dumped the guy she is currently with for my FI.  I still have absolutely no idea what FI did to her that was wrong. I saw BM the day after the party and she never mentioned it, so I am not sure that she even remembers saying all this stuff.
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    OP, thank you for coming back and sharing more.  I'm glad that you spoke with your FI and were able to move forward together.  That's a skill that will serve you both very well in marriage :)

    If they only dated for about a month "madly in love" is definitely an exaggeration.  It has to be.  Maybe the breakup was less amicable on her part than his and what was a not-so-serious relationship for him was much more serious for her because he was her first and I know many (but not all) of the women I know wouldn't want to think they "gave it away" to someone who didn't care about them very much.  Maybe she was really into him for a long time, slept with him right away, and then when it didn't work out it hurt and then you two got together at some point in the future it hurt even worse.  Wild speculation on my part, and I am the first to admit that I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but there it is.  

    I think the bigger (biggest?) concerns here are that 1) this girl is clearly still harboring resentment about it at some level, and 2) she chose the second-worst possible time to bring it up (worst would be the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit at the wedding).  The fact that she hasn't mentioned it either means she doesn't remember or she's mortified and is hoping to just forget it.  This girl seems to be suffering from an incredible lack of maturity about relationships.  You're so close to the wedding, I don't know if a talk now would be best or if it might be best to wait until it's over.  If you think it might devolve into a fight, hold off if you still want to be friends.  If you think you can both speak civilly about it (I think you can, not so sure about her), talk to her.  I'm hoping this is something that she was exaggerating and was so drunk she had no idea what she was saying, that she feels terrible about it, and that you two can talk and move on the same way you and your FI did.  Good luck!
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