Wedding Party Confusion

hblondie327

No more replies please...thank you to all who replied.

muamanda18

Why would you have this conversation yet? You dug yourself quite a whole.  Unless you want to lose your friend I would suggest keeping her in the wedding.

And don't do anything else wedding related until you are actually engaged.

marissa_claire

There are tooo many things wrong with this post.

1 - if you can't afford to be engaged then you definitely cannot afford to start planning a wedding.

2 - live and learn.  You should think clearly and heavily before ever asking anyone to be in the WP.  You cannot ask her to step down, so tough luck.

waltzingmatilda13

Why are your finances keeping you from being engaged? You obviously talk about getting married and what on date. You don't have to have a ring to be engaged. If he asked and you said yes, you're engaged.

And if you already told her she could be MOH, I think you're stuck. It would be incredibly rude to kick her out of the WP and you risk losing her as a friend entirely. If you're okay with that, then kick away.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-confusion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07b14699-0ac2-4627-a653-5c66970b85dePost:5e0a43ae-3dc2-4e6d-9bfe-aeb2a97452ff">Wedding Party Confusion</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet due to finances, however we have talked a LOT about our wedding, the date, the colors, everything! I already opened my big mouth and told my friend that she would be my maid of honor. I was separated from another really good friend of mine at the time and wasn't thinking clearly. Now, I don't really want this friend to be the maid of honor...my boyfriend and I think MY day will be turned into something all about HER...not good! So here's my confusion: my boyfriend mentioned doing an all family wedding party. I'd have my sister, his two sisters, and my sister-in-law on my side. He'd have his brother-in-law, my brothers, and his cousin on his. HOW IN THE HECK WOULD I TELL MY FRIEND THAT SHE IS NOT IN THE WEDDING ANYMORE?!?!
Posted by hblondie327[/QUOTE]

This is called putting the cart before the horse.  You've obviously learned now that you don't ask people to be in a WP until you're engaged, have a wedding date, have a venue, and are about 8 months out from your wedding.

When you get engaged, you don't mention anything about a WP.  You don't ask anyone until about 8 months out.  I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I don't think you're obligated to a "promise" that was made before you were even engaged.

If she asks, you can tell her that you're not choosing a WP until 6 months before the wedding.  If she says "But I'm in it, right?"  you can tell her that you're not choosing a WP until 6 months before the wedding.  If she pushes further, you can tell her that you're not choosing a WP until 6 months before the wedding.  And so on.

I also have to say:  please, now before you're engaged, lose the "MY day" thing about your wedding.  That single two word phrase has caused more hurt feelings, estrangements, and drama than most two word phrases in the English language.

It's not just "YOUR day".  It's your FI's day too.  It's a huge day for your families as well.  It's also a day about your guests.  The sooner you lose the mindset that a wedding is "MY day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" is the day that everything goes better for all.

heyimbren

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, I agree with Trix that you aren't obligated to hold up a promise that you made before you were engaged. But at the same time, you did make that promise. So I think that should stand on its own, regardless of whether you're engaged or not.

Also, if you're not engaged why are you planning? You're either engaged or you're not. So if you two are discussing wedding plans, it sure sounds like you're engaged. An engagement is nothing more than an agreement between two people to be married- it isn't a big proposal and a huge rock on your finger. Or even a small rock. It's an agreement, and the ring is symbolic of that.

I really think you're stressing out and making assumptions on something that is way too early to be decided. You did speak too soon to your friend about being your MoH. From her point of view, you sound like you're engaged and you're planning a wedding and you told her she could be MoH. So IMHO, I'd be mad at you if you decided I couldn't be MoH after all that. You're not even engaged yet, so why on earth would you be worrying that she'll make it all about her? How is she supposed to do that? Show up in a big wedding gown? If she does do something like that then you just tell her no. You're assuming what she's going to be like when you don't even know.

So you made your bed, now I think you have to lie in it too.

aerinpegadrak

I think that while you might have more justification than most in removing her from the wedding, it's still a friendship-ending move, and you're still going to come out of it looking like the bad guy to anyone who doesn't know the whole story (read: everyone).  So I think the most prudent course of action is to suck it up and deal.

mbcdefg

Lesson learned: don't go around talking about your wedding when there isn't even a wedding to plan yet.

Sousa8611

you aren't obligated to have her yet. i've had instances where my fiance had told one of our gf's she was going to be in our wp during a drunken moment when i was working, and yes, we've been engaged for about 3 yrs now but thankfully this was in the beginning of our engagement. nothing has been brought up and i'm happy with who is in the wp now. we are still friends with the person but nothing has ever been brought up about being in it. i know she's going to be happy for it if she's in it or not but i'm not as close to her as i used to be yrs ago.  take your time and wait until ur actually engaged or even until u start planning.