How to deal?

Tamz5

Ok so I asked my fiances two sisters to stand in my wedding party but everytime I talk about the dresses I like the one sister gives me a hard time. Shes already told me and my fiance that she will buy her dress online so its cheaper which upsets me. But worst of all she is my biggest size in the wedding party and has told me she will not buy a dress if she doesn't try it on first. Should I sacrifice my favourite dress for my girls because she wont be able to try it on? How should I deal with this bridesmaid ?

emilyinchile

Why can't she try this dress on? And why can't she buy her dress at the cheapest place? ALL of your girls should try the dress on. Mine did, and one that we'd all liked online looked like a satin bathrobe on them, while another just had a weird neckline. And ALL of your girls should be "allowed" (in quotes because it's so ridiculous I even have to say this) to buy the agreed-upon dress from wherever they can get the best deal, whether that's a bridal store, online or even second hand.

MissDuke2012

Would you consider letting them all pick out their own dress and you just pick out the color and fabric?

Not all silhouettes complement certain body shapes. Like anything halter makes me look like I have man shoulders. That being said I wouldn't buy a halter dress. My best friend can't wear short dresses because in her words she has "thunder thighs".

I don't think it really matters where she buys her dress as long as buys it.

aerinpegadrak

I won't buy clothing without trying it on first, either, so I don't think that's unreasonable at all.  Your favorite dress isn't going to look very good in photos if the person wearing it is visibly miserable, which she will be if she hates it.  Frankly, none of your girls should be forced to purchase a dress sight unseen; what looks good on a model won't necessarily look good on a real person.

mbcdefg

So, you WANT them to spend more money and to possibly look like shiit in dresses that they couldn't try on beforehand? You sound like a real peach.

suz62984

I wouldn't buy a dress without trying it on. I wouldn't buy a more expensive dress just because it made the bride more comfortable.

Get each BMs' individual budgets and find a dress under the lowest budget. I picked out 5 styles and my girls went and tried them on. Thankfully all chose the same one, and my fav as well. Go with the majority vote.  They can also have separate dresses. Just give them a type of fabric, a length and a color guideline and let them choose. It will work out just fine. 

trix1223

Wow.  Was my daughter ever silly.  She absolutely KNEW what dress she wanted BMs to wear.  Until they tried it on.  And it looked awful.  So they started looking again and found a dress that everyone loved and was comfortable in.

And then they all ordered them *gasp* online!  

Let her try on dresses.  Let her order on line.  Let her wear a dress she'll be comfortable in.  Let's think about those wedding photos for a minute shall we?

You can have photo A:  one BM who looks unhappy and uncomfortable because she's wearing a dress that she'd rather not wear. or photo B: a WP where everyone looks gorgeous in her own dress, because it's the one they feel gorgeous in.

Tamz5

Ok I guess I didnt explain to clearly... I don't want to be a bridezilla and I was asking what to say and how to react because I have never dealt with this wedding stuff  before. All of my bridesmaids have gotten into this dress except her because the store didnt have the size for her. The store that we found this dress at will give everyone their alterations for free if we order from them which I thought was conveient.  I will not make her buy anything she doesnt want to. What I was trying to convey is that I have a bridesmaid that is giving me attitude about any idea I bring up and those were just the ones I could think of. I was only hurt that all the girls are excited to buy a dress together and she wants to be on her own. I am not that mean of a person. Now Im feeling aweful.

bablingbrooke

I don't think you're a horrible person.  I guess I still don't understand why it matters that she wants to buy the dress somewhere else.  I gather from your new post that she's a bigger girl and they don't have her size.  How would that make you feel?  Then you're being told to buy it without seeing how it will look on you.  Again, how would that make you feel?  

I don't think she necessarily "wants to be on her own" but frankly buying a dress that everyone but her could try on wasn't very sensitive.  It forces her to the position of an outsider.  It highlights the fact that she looks different from everyone else.  It makes her feel fat and ugly.  

Let her buy something that looks good on her online.  You will be this girl's SIL for a long time.  Don't do anything to alienate her.  Plenty of people have weddings where the dresses aren't identical.  It's not the end of the world.  Remember that the BMs are people, not mannequins showing off a specific dress.  You want her to be happy and look her best, right?  I don't see how forcing her into this dress accomplishes that.

Tamz5

I understand that. I want her to feel confortable. I just figured asking you ladies how to deal with the situation I ment should I be alright with her ordering online. I see that its alright now. I always thought it was a bridesmaid thing to do together thats all, and this is why it hurt my feelings. But she didnt even see the dress I liked and she told me she was ordering the dress no matter what online. I went to so many stores trying to find a cheap dress 150 for the one I like and alterations are free. I though my demands were simple  

bablingbrooke

You shouldn't be making any demands of your WP.  That's something TV and movies makes you think is okay, but it really isn't.

You went out of your way to find a solution for her.  She declined it.  That's her right.

WP ≠ a new social group joined at the hip doing everything together.  My BMs and I all lived in different cities and states.  We did very little as a whole group and the only thing they were all present for was the wedding itself.  It makes sense since the only common denominator in their lives is me!  That's fine--that's life.  Same with my BM who is getting married next year.  The other BMs and I are all friends with each other, but we still all live in different cities and states.  I would love to be able to fly out to shop with her, but I might not be able to.  I may have to order my outfit online.  It's not a big deal.

Tamz5

Yup I guess that is were I got that idea from. Thanks for all the responses and I really hope everyone doesnt think I'm this mean bride to be.!

bablingbrooke

I certainly can't speak for everyone, but I know I don't think that about you!  We all make mistakes when it comes to planning and need advice on how to avoid them--that's what this board is for!

mbcdefg

O.K., well, like PP said your first post is ENTIRELY different than your follow-up posts.

It's none of your business where she chooses to order her dress. Her obligation is to get it, period. Who cares if she gives up free alterations? It's nice of you to look around for a salon that offers free alterations, but it's unreasonable to force her into taking you up on that option. Don't take it personally - she'd just rather order online. It's not a personal slight against you.

And like Stage said, if the salon has no samples of that dress in her size, then it's very reasonable that she won't buy without trying it on first. She's probably embarrassed enough that they didn't have a sample for her ... telling her to suck it up and order, and possibly look like crap in the dress, is just going to make her feel worse. Haven't you ever ordered anything that looked awesome on the website and looked bad once you tried it on?

My suggestion would be to give her the manufacturer's phone number and tell her to call them and ask how she could go about finding a sample to try on. Some designers (Aria, I think, is one of them) ships out samples that you can try on and send back.

If that's not possible, then I'd suggest letting her pick an alternate style in the same color, fabric, length and designer. Nobody will know the difference, really, and it's stupid to hurt her feelings just for the sake of having perfectly matched bridesmaids.

Another option would be to ask her if she wants to order matching fabric from the designer and have a local seamstress custom-make a copy of the dress. Perhaps with some personal tweaks if she's uncomfortable with the original style (thicker straps, a more flowing skirt, different neckline, etc.).

I promise you, nobody cares enough about your wedding to criticize every little detail ... they are there to watch you get married, then have fun afterward. Not scream in horror because the bridesmaids don't perfectly match. And if your argument is that you'd hate the photos ... I was married less than 5 months ago and I barely look at my wedding pictures. Once your wedding is over, you really don't care about it anymore. Life moves on. The people who spend months and years obsessing over it, and wishing that people looked different or crying over an imperfect cake, are psychos.

trix1223

Tamz:  don't think it at all.  It's just that we post based on what's written, not what's intended to be written.

It sounds like you listened, and got the advice you needed, and are fine now.  Stick around.  This is a helpful place, actually.

And just to emphasize what Brooke said:  Two of my three children have been married now.  Both DD's were in DIL's wedding party.  They got along fine with the other girls.  And haven't seen or spoken with them since.  Same at DD's wedding.  My other DD and DIL were in the WP.  They all had fun together.  But they're not a new social unit.

What they all had in common at both weddings was the bride.  They didn't need to become "friends" with each other.  Cordial acquaintances works just fine. 

Like I said:  I hope you'll stick around.  This is a pretty great board.

Tamz5

Well Thanks again to everyone who wrote. I havent yet even asked her to try it on yet I just know its not in her size so  and now that I know how she may feel I wont ask. I wil look around for a sample to see if she can try it on and if she cant then Ill change my idea.. I want everyone to be happy and having a good time on my day thats the way it should be! I posted my question to ask what others thought. And Im glad I did so I could see others opinions. Some of the people I know said It didnt matter and it was my day so I could do what I wanted and I wasnt sure if that was the right advise. Now that I have gotten plenty of responses I know the route to take. Thanks again ladies!

aerinpegadrak

So glad you stuck around and clarified!  If you have girls of all different sizes, it might be best to give them some basic guidelines (up to and including color, length, designer, fabric, etc) and let them choose their own.  A LOT of brides go this route these days, with great success.  For instance, I had girls running size 4-24, and I just told them to wear any black dress.  They looked fabulous, and I had zero drama.

gottahavashorti

Even if your BMs all try the dress on, it won't necessarily be in their size.  But it still gives an idea of what the dress will look like on them.  Most stores only carry one sample of any given dress, and in my area they were usually size 10-12. 

My BMs were much happier with the Alfred Angelo samples since they carried most sample dresses in 3 sizes: one size 8 or less, one 10-12, and one plus size.  They got a better idea of what dresses would look like there than at salons with multiple designers whose samples were pretty far from their own sizes.

 So if the samples don't work well, you might want to check out Alfred Angelo or David's Bridal - not necessarily to order, but to try on dresses and get an idea of which shapes and necklines work on your BMs and which ones to avoid.  There are only so many different shapes/necklines out there in terms of BM dresses even though embellishments, fabrics and color vary.