Drama at home

tallon617

Okay y'all I just needed to hear some other opinions on this situation here. It's nothing to do with venues or things like that. Basically it's family drama. So here we go it's gunna be a long one.My FI and I have been together for a little over 8 years now and got engaged on December 31, 2008. He asked my parents for permission and all before popping the question to me. Well what he didn't tell me is what he said to my parents. Apparently he had promised to get here by summer. He lives in California and wants to move here but he's still not here. Well now my parents feel like he's lied and is no good. They pulled me aside while my FI was here visiting to tell me that I really need to think about marrying him. He didn't keep his promise to be here and has no intention to move is what they told me. My dad even said there are other fish in the sea and that if he truly loved me he'd already be here working any job just to be near me. In addition to all that my mom has made an ultimatium that if my FI isn't here by december that I have to make a choice between my family or my FI. If I choose my FI I get disowned and if I choose my family I'll loose my FI. Right now it's bad timing because I'm currently disabled with a bad back so I'm depending on my parents. I don't want to choose between them because obviously I love them both but it makes it that much harder to do anything now. My FI is struggling to get here as fast as possible but he seems to hit dead ends with the job hunting thanks to the economy which my parents are ignoring. I even asked if my FI would just move here and look for a job then he told me no because he doesn't want to live like that which I understand but at the same time I want to get my parents to stop.The background with my parents is that I take care of my mom while my dad works out of state. He's only home during holidays and my mom is a stroke survivor. I'm the only child to top this all off wheresa my FI is the baby of his family. His family is supportive of him while mine is pulling the rug out from under us. Does anyone have advice on this? Or perhaps had a similar scenario? Thanks!

MBLove

That's a tough one and I am so sorry you are going through all of this right now. It sounds like both FI and your family are making you choose between them. If FI moves down to S.A., does that mean y'all are living with your parents? You said in your post he has no intention to move so have you discussed with him what his intentions are exactly? Like if y'all got married and he hadn't found a job down here yet, what would he do? If he plans to move down here eventually, then it seems like living with your folks for a few months knowing that this is a temporary arrangement would not be the end of the world. It is VERY hard to find jobs when you live out of state, he might be suprised how quickly he is able to find one once he is actually here (then again, I know nothing about what field he is in, which makes a big difference). I definitely don't think he is no good or a liar just because he couldn't fulfill his promise to your parents--but I would want to know what exactly is holding him back from moving. It sounds like YOU need support right now instead of supporting everyone else and trying to please everyone all at once. Hopefully, he can understand that you are disabled and need to also take care of her and he will come to be with you and take of both you and your mom. This situation sucks and I wish I could give you the perfect answer. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.

tallon617

He would be living on his own and apartments here aren't expensive compared to where he is. His field is in IT which has me stumped considering all the potential but I worried that because he's an out of state person that's working against him.His main reason for not moving here right now is because he wants a job first. He doesn't want to move blindly. I've been trying to tell him it would be better cause he'd be seen as a local not some outsider but I don't think he gets it. I keep trying to play neutral cause I don't want to end up miserable at Christmas.

loreno31

geez...i am so sorry to read all this.  as the previous poster said, it is so hard to get a job without living there.  in my opinion, i think he should move to SA and continue looking for jobs.  I think your parents are being a bit unfair and close-minded. relocating and getting a job is a long, painful process. (i am in the middle of doing that right now. moving from baton rouge to michigan) give it time and just ignore your parents when they say crap like that. if they disown you, that is insane. they will get over it eventually once yall are married and they see how in love yall are. just think about the positives and dont let anyone bring you and your fiance down.

britt.danie

Wow I am really sorry you are going through this. My advice probably isnt going to be as subtle as everyone else's though. You should look at this for what it is, you FI is being super responcible by not moving into a potentially financially fatal situation. Who would want to marry a man who was just fine without a job and or living with his future in-laws? He is being realistic and responcible, end of story. It has zero to do with his love for you and it is only positive points for his character. Tell her parents that...after all they are the ones that are putting you in this awful situtaion. Ask them to remember that this is your love and your life and tell them you both need suppport right now. After all you are busy taking care of your family and he is busy looking for a job. I cant think of anything you need more than support or anything you need less than silly ultimatiums.Again, Im sorry you are going through this right now. Just stay calm logical and in control.

tallon617

Thanks you all. I don't have much in the way of an update but I did ask my mom if she would be against his moving into the house to look for a job. She said no to which I replied so you don't want me to marry him? She said that wasn't what she said or meant. What they want is him here before we do anything else. I just think the deadline is ridiculous. For right now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and praying that my FI will find a job soon even if it's not his ideal.