Anyone else have this problem?

dravecky4

I wanted to include my friend in the wedding planning and ask her to be in charge of that day making sure the details are correct instead of having her be a bridesmaid because i have no idea where her life will be in 8 months, meaning she will probably being going through a divorce. Her life is a mess right now including cutting off people who love and care for her. Before I could ask her to be a part of it she sent me an email saying how upset and hurt she is because shes not in the wedding, I tried to call and text her to talk and she won't take my phone calls. Anyone else have this problem? There seems to be so much drama involved with who you ask you think people would just be happy to be invited?!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-else-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ed26463-54b1-4142-af60-34357d8f0341Post:84b0eb32-bf8b-49e7-a057-a75674ad22eb">Anyone else have this problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to include my friend in the wedding planning and ask her to be in charge of that day making sure the details are correct instead of having her be a bridesmaid because i have no idea where her life will be in 8 months, meaning she will probably being going through a divorce. Her life is a mess right now including cutting off people who love and care for her. Before I could ask her to be a part of it she sent me an email saying how upset and hurt she is because shes not in the wedding, I tried to call and text her to talk and she won't take my phone calls. Anyone else have this problem?<strong> There seems to be so much drama involved with who you ask you think people would just be happy to be invited?!
</strong>Posted by dravecky4[/QUOTE]

But she won't be "just invited." You want her to be your unpaid b!tch for the day. That's a job. It's called wedding coordinator. People get paid to do that. Either ask her to be a BM or don't, but don't lay some crap job on her and expect her to start tap-dancing.

Simply Fated

Let me get this straight... you chose your bridal party members and she wasn't chosen. So she emailed you and told you she was hurt? Just let it go and move on. Invite her as a guest and hire a DOC.

TiffannieF

Well I (a) think it was rude of her to just give you a guilt trip about you not asking her to be in the BP.

To answer your question, no I have not had something like that happen.  But I will tell you that I totally broke etiquette and went on FB and posted "Looking for a DOC if anybody would be interested or refer somebody to me I would appreciate it."  I had a couple friends volunteer.

I don't know if I agree with ziti about the "b!tch for a day"/lame job thing...a lot of girls have a friend as a DOC.  I, personally, love doing wedding anything, if somebody asked me I would take it as a compliment that they trust me enough to coordinate one of the most important days of their life...I guess its just a difference of opinion.

kmmssg

Asking someone to do so much work for your wedding is no kind of honor.  Have you ever seen a DOC run around at a wedding/reception?  They work their butts off doing that.  It is no kind of honor, it is a crappy job that no one should be asked to do so that you can feel like you included them in your special day.

Send her a card (quit with the texting) and let her know you are thinking of her and would like to talk.  You said her life is going down the toilet, so I'm thinking she really needs a friend right now.

eseney82

So basically you are asking her to be an unpaid vendor vs. an invited guest to your wedding?  I would be pissed too, and wouldnt not be answering your phone calls.  That is just rude to ask her to do that.

Also, just because she is going through a divorce and her life is a mess does not mean she is incapable of being bridesmaid.  Sometimes, and unfortunately, these situations happen.  Thats life!  You are basically telling her she doesnt have the ability and/or 'standards' to be in your bridal party. 

Sorry, but you might have made her life a little bit worse than it already was!  She obviously trusted and respected you as a friend, and you broke that by asking her to be unpaid help for your wedding!

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]Also, just because she is going through a divorce and her life is a mess does not mean she is incapable of being bridesmaid.
Posted by eseney82[/QUOTE]

<div>This!  Yes, she shouldn't have said anything, as the wedding party was your choice to make.  But you're choosing for horrible reasons!  </div><div>
</div><div>The only thing a BM has to do is wear a pretty dress, stand with you, and smile for pictures.  If she's become so unreliable that she can handle that, why would you trust her to be a DOC?  If she's cut you off and you're no longer close, why would she be invited at all?  If budget is a problem, there are ways to work around it to let a friend stand with you.</div><div>
</div><div>Here's what you're trying to say:  "Sorry, 'friend,' but your life doesn't measure up to my standards, so you don't deserve to be recognized.  You don't deserve to relax and celebrate with me, either.  But if you agree to spend the day working as my unpaid servant, <em>I guess </em>I can tolerate your presence."  No wonder she's offended.</div><div>
</div><div>Hire your vendors.  Honor your friends.</div><div>
</div>

meganb1977

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-else-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ed26463-54b1-4142-af60-34357d8f0341Post:3976135f-0e7e-4cb2-afc1-eee6c8199f7e">Re: Anyone else have this problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]The only thing a BM has to do is wear a pretty dress, stand with you, and smile for pictures.  If she's become so unreliable that she can handle that, why would you trust her to be a DOC? Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

What she said.  If you would prefer not to have her in the wedding party, you were within your rights not to ask her and she was rude to take it personally and try to guilt trip you.  If you do want to include her, she will have less to worry about if she's just standing as a BM.  Sorry she put you in such an awkward spot.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-else-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ed26463-54b1-4142-af60-34357d8f0341Post:84b0eb32-bf8b-49e7-a057-a75674ad22eb">Anyone else have this problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to include my friend in the wedding planning and ask her to be in charge of that day making sure the details are correct instead of having her be a bridesmaid because i have no idea where her life will be in 8 months, meaning she will probably being going through a divorce. Her life is a mess right now including cutting off people who love and care for her. Before I could ask her to be a part of it she sent me an email saying how upset and hurt she is because shes not in the wedding, I tried to call and text her to talk and she won't take my phone calls. Anyone else have this problem? There seems to be so much drama involved with who you ask you think people would just be happy to be invited?!
Posted by dravecky4[/QUOTE]
So, let me get this straight....

You don't know where her life will be in 8 months, so you couldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid but was instead going to ask her to be your Day of Coordinator? That makes no sense to me. Do you think it's easietr to be a DOC? I don't think so. Plus, a DOC isn't an honor- it's a b*tch job- you should be paying someone to do that.

I agree that is was rude of her to e-mail and ask why she isn't part of the wedding party. I would send her a card, offer to take her for coffee or lunch- sounds like she needs a friend now.

laughingalot1618

I do have something similar happening with one of my friends.  My FI and I agreed that we were only going to have 2 attendents each because after that it will become a crazy dramatic mess.  One of my newer friends became upset that she was not asked to be one of my BM.  I told her that I chose people that had been part of our relationship since the beginning and friends I had known for several years.  We've known each other for 6 months and that was only from work.  Because of the amount of family we both have we don't have many friends attending the wedding, I told her that she wasn't going to be part of my bridal party but she could attend the wedding and be part of that. 

She is still blowing me off, but if she really was a friend she would try and support my decisions and not be seflish.  This is my special day not hers.

BTW the whole DOC thing is dumb.  My mom two friends are fighting over who gets to help with that.  Some people don't consider it being a vendor job, they want to be part of the special day and if organizing is something they are good at then they love being the DOC.  I've done it for a couple of friends and loved that I could make sure their days were perfect, who cares about the money.  I can't afford to hire a DOC, but I know that my mom's friends will make sure I don't have to stress about everything being ready.

dravecky4

clearly i didn't word that correctly, and am not quiet sure how to word it. I have had sooo many people offer to help day of so i am not bogged down with it. im not asking her to be my b@tch for the day at all thats not what i meant. she is cheating on her hubs and i really don't want to have that start off my marriage. our friendship has been on a downward spirial for about 3 months. i did want her to feel included but didn't want her to stand up for me.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-else-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ed26463-54b1-4142-af60-34357d8f0341Post:05d65282-4555-4e4c-8524-87310591d13a">Re: Anyone else have this problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]clearly i didn't word that correctly, and am not quiet sure how to word it. I have had sooo many people offer to help day of so i am not bogged down with it. im not asking her to be my b@tch for the day at all thats not what i meant. she is cheating on her hubs and i really don't want to have that start off my marriage. our friendship has been on a downward spirial for about 3 months. i did want her to feel included but didn't want her to stand up for me.
Posted by dravecky4[/QUOTE]
I think your best bet is to invite her as a guest. Guests are included, they just don't have to do tasks throughout the day.
Take pictures with her, make sure you dance with her, that sort of thing. That's the best way to include someone.
Some brides assign tasks to their bridal party, but never spend quality time with them all day. So sometimes "including" them can take on different meanings.

graysquirrel

If you think that she is unreliable, then there is no way that I would trust her to do any sort of job at your wedding. I know that a lot of brides think that it is an honor to be asked to do anything and they are just trying to include their friends, but asking her to be your DOC or whatever you are wanting from her isn't an honor. It is much easier to be a BM than a DOC, which is a job you should pay for.

She was rude to ask you why she isn't in your WP. I would keep things light with her, keep trying to be her friend, and tell her that you are looking forward to having her as a guest and dancing with her at your reception.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_anyone-else-this-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ed26463-54b1-4142-af60-34357d8f0341Post:05d65282-4555-4e4c-8524-87310591d13a">Re: Anyone else have this problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]clearly i didn't word that correctly, and am not quiet sure how to word it. I have had sooo many people offer to help day of so i am not bogged down with it. im not asking her to be my b@tch for the day at all thats not what i meant. she is cheating on her hubs and i really don't want to have that start off my marriage. our friendship has been on a downward spirial for about 3 months. i did want her to feel included but didn't want her to stand up for me.
Posted by dravecky4[/QUOTE]



So why is she not good enough to stand up as your bridesmaid, but she's good enough to be your planner?

I get being upset that she's cheating, but if you truly disapprove of this behavior then you can't halfass your reaction to it. Either you disapprove and are therefore distancing yourself from her, or you accept that people have flaws and you overlook it and keep the friendship the way it was. No, "Well, you can be a second-tier participant but not an honorable bridesmaid." Either include her or don't.

kjwest5024

no people do do this for free its called Mistress of Ceremony.....its usually a lady who is already married that knows who a wedding is suppose to run....while they dont neccessarly have to make sure that alll the little details are correct they usually help with the planning and they make sure everyone is ready on time and is music is started at proper time, everyone comes in/ walks the isle at approperiate time etc.

while i have different issues going on...i think in your situation try seeing if it is her family issues the reason she got so upset by asking one of her family members if you can...then maybe ask her in a text in a way so that she can see that she is still very much apart of your wedding

kmmssg

kjwes - Mistress of Ceremonies is not well known on the boards.  I am familiar with it and actually did it once.  That would be the only time too.  Worked my butt off from beginning to end but I was asked and was told it was an honor.  Not really.

If somone VOLUNTEERS to do this, that is great.  It is absolutely rude to ask someone to take on such a job.  See the difference?  Volunteer to take on a butt load of work vs being asked to take on a butt load of work because it is an honor and way to include someone?