Unintrested Bridesmaid

dschiavo

I have chosen my bridesmaids toward the beginning of my engagement. One of was a close friend from way back when. Now we are not as close as we once were and she just seems so uninterested with the plans. I kind of feel like i don't want her in the wedding party anymore but I obviously feel like I can't just tell her that. Do I suck it up and just accept that we were not as close as we once were?

suz62984

Yes! Some people don't get excited about weddings. Some people get overwhelmed chatting about them constantly. Just know that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unintrested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fc7972c-0ff9-41f0-99e3-87506084294cPost:44a9f55f-c150-4054-aead-6bf445fdff62">Unintrested Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have chosen my bridesmaids toward the beginning of my engagement. One of was a close friend from way back when. Now we are not as close as we once were and she just seems so uninterested with the plans. I kind of feel like i don't want her in the wedding party anymore but I obviously feel like I can't just tell her that. Do I suck it up and just accept that we were not as close as we once were?
Posted by dschiavo[/QUOTE]

Yep.  And don't expect everybody else to be as excited about the wedding as you are.  If you're sad that you're not as close anymore, then reach out to her and work on your friendship.  But it should have nothing to do with your wedding.  You can't kick her out.

SSaltzman87

There will always be people that aren't as jazzed about your wedding as you are, can't expect everyone to be as excited as you are about it. Your BM has a life outside your wedding.

Don't take her 'uninterest' negatively, and kicking her out of your bridal party for that would be a psycho bridezilla move. Friendships naturally change over time, and I honestly wouldn't be worried.

mbcdefg

It's very hard to get excited about someone else's event. Especially when that event is not happening for a few more months.

I mean, think about it ... say your friend buys a new house. I'm sure that you'd be excited and happy for her, but how long can you really be excited about it? How often would you be thrilled to hear about the paint colors she's considering for the dining room, or her reviews of the contractors she's thinking about hiring to re-do the bathroom? If you're not really super-interested about hearing about her plans for months and months, it doesn't mean that you don't love her or that you're not happy for her ... it means that it's HER project, and it's HER decisions going into it. And hearing about the home-buying process for months may not be exciting, but attending the housewarming party and seeing it all decorated IS kind of cool (same thing with hearing about wedding plans vs. actually attending the wedding).

When someone's planning a wedding or decorating her own house or whatever, there's really no way her friends can disagree with her or offer their own strong input without coming across as biitchy or pushy, right? Telling a friend over and over, "Your ideas are awesome!" gets tiring (even if you DO agree with her ideas). Because that's really all you can say.

The important thing is that your friend supports your MARRIAGE. There is a HUGE difference between her being excited for your wedding (a one-day party) versus her being happy about and supportive of your marriage. The two things really have nothing to do with each other.

There's no way to kick her out without coming across badly, because she's done nothing wrong. So, yes, suck it up and leave her as a bridesmaid, and accept that nobody will ever be as interested in your wedding as you are. Additionally, if you feel that the friendship isn't what it used to be, try to get it back on track ... have YOU reached out to HER to try and repair things? Or are you just upset that she isn't into your wedding and therefore you've distanced yourself from her?

*** ETA: just saw that your wedding is over a year away. It's RIDICULOUS to expect her (or anyone else) to be excited for it this far in advance. Especially when you asked her to be a bridesmaid a few months ago. Heck, I wasn't even excited for MY wedding more than a month or two out. ***

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unintrested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fc7972c-0ff9-41f0-99e3-87506084294cPost:793aec56-6869-4914-9ad4-7803286c5a88">Re: Unintrested Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Now it feels like she's trying to sabotage my wedding by getting the wrong size dress (the correct size won't be in until a week and 1/2 before the wedding), and not seeming very interested in doing much.
Posted by tracie.small@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

Just curious ... how would any of that "sabotage" your wedding?

trix1223

Your wedding is a year away.  It's not surprising that she's not terribly interested.  What matters is that you and your FI are interested.

You're thinking ***I'm getting married in a year!!!!!***  She's thinking, "geez, it's a whole year away.  relax."  Is that mean?  Not really.  Just realistic.  While your wedding is the biggest thing in your life now, and that's okay, you'll need to understand that it's not the biggest thing in other people's lives~yes, that includes your WP.  And that's okay.

Talk with your friend.  About non wedding stuff.  And don't get upset if she doesn't ask about yours.    But please, don't think of kicking her out!  GL

bablingbrooke

Don't make the mistake of equating interest in planning with interest in or support for the marriage.  The two are not remotely the same.

Not everyone falls over themselves with excitement about the planning details of someone else's wedding.  That's not a crime.  In a year, when the wedding is no longer abstract, she will be more excited.  But no one in their right mind is excited about a wedding a year away.  I wasn't even excited about my own wedding a year away (no, really, I wasn't--I had much bigger things going on at the time).

You both have interesting things going on like work or school, friends, celebrity gossip, etc.  Talk about those things.  If she asks about the wedding, by all means tell her what you've been up to.  But think about it: if your roles were reversed, would you really want to hear your friend go on about necklines or seasonal flowers or shades of peach?  Be sensitive about that.  We're all guilty at one time or another of talking more about the wedding than we realize, and we're all guilty at one time or another of overestimating how interesting the planning is to other people.

If you want to bounce ideas off people or ask for recommendations, your local board is a great place to do it.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unintrested-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fc7972c-0ff9-41f0-99e3-87506084294cPost:44a9f55f-c150-4054-aead-6bf445fdff62">Unintrested Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I have chosen my bridesmaids toward the beginning of my engagement. One of was a close friend from way back when.<strong> Now we are not as close as we once were and she just seems so uninterested with the plans.</strong> I kind of feel like i don't want her in the wedding party anymore but I obviously feel like I can't just tell her that. Do I suck it up and just accept that we were not as close as we once were?
Posted by dschiavo[/QUOTE]

You said your not as close you used to be.  Okay.  What are you going to do about that?  Can you call her up to ask her to hang out or go to the movies, or out to dinner or something?  Wouldn't that help you become closer by hanging out more? 
Have you become less close because you've been too involved with the wedding planning?  Have you considered budgeting your time better and making time for your friends?  This happens a lot when brides get married.  They are too into the whole wedding planning and they completely forget about what else is important in their lives and their relationships with those around them.

I don't know if that is the case with you, but it wouldn't hurt to call her up and ask her what is new in HER life.  A lot of times, brides are always talking about themselves and the wedding that they don't even ask their bridesmaid what is going on in their life. 

Just because she SEEMS uninterested in the plans doesn't mean she doesn't care about the wedding and it's really not a good excuse to want to remove someone from your wedding party - even though you said that you WANT to but realize that you can't do that and aren't going to - so yes you have to suck it up, but it might be wise to ask her what is new in her life and everything, and also talk and do something non-wedding related. 

It might be too much if you keep talking wedding plans, and your friend doesn't want to hear all about you and your wedding plans 24/7. 

Bottom Line:  Talk to your friend and go grab a coffee and bond and hang out without talking about the wedding.  Just hang out like you did pre-engagement.

stina93446

Your wedding is a year away. What is there possibly for her to be excited about?!