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MOH Problems! Please Help!

One of my MOH lives out of state and we have been best friends basically since we were born. I always go back to visit at least once a year because my family lives out there and so I am able to see her that way. She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever. The problem I am having is her being involved in the wedding. When I went out recently we went to try on dresses there so she could be involved and while trying them on she says I have to fly out there at least three times to help her try on dresses. And I was thinking why would I you aren't making any effort to come out and see me. So I was just kinda hurt thinking okay you think I can come out here for you but yet you can't come out to help me look at dresses. Now I didn't mind doing stuff with her and the wedding when I come to visit but she can also make an effort to come visit me. The wedding is not until June of next year. She says she can't come out because she has no money because she is in school and working, yet she bought a house and has now decided to rip it apart and remodel the whole thing. So I am finding it hard to think ok you could have waited on a toilet to spend some of that money to come help me I mean it is only one time. Also, her parents paid for her to go visit her sister, I am not sure why she can't ask her parents to pay for her to come help me.

Then the other problem was that I said that I was going to have all the girls spend the night with me the night before and relax hang out by the pool of the hotel and just talk. And I get ya I will come for a bit but then I am going to go back to my room to spend the night with her boyfriend because he will be all alone. Now okay I understand that he doesn't know anyone but by that point it will be late and this yet again is a ONE TIME thing. I just don't understand it. I would spend the night with her in a heartbeat even if my fiancee was alone, he will be sleeping of course. It is just like hurtful because we have been such good friends and yet she can't do that.

Yet another problem is that the wedding is on a Saturday and she is driving in on Thursday which is when we have to have the 2nd bachelorette party and she doesn't know what time she will get in and I am thinking okay well then guess you will miss this too if you don't get here in time. We are also going to Vegas for part of the bachelorette party and she won't go to that either, which I know is extra money but we are all driving in a van and sharing a hotel room so it won't be that expensive.

Another thing that is bothering me is she suggested that I have a bridal shower where I live and then one out there where she lives that she will throw. I thought okay that could be a great idea cause then my grandma will get to go and my aunt and cousins. However, then I think okay I am going to have to spend anothern $300-$400 of my money to go visit her for MY bridal shower and it just started to annoy me. Like she is getting off from doing everything! And when it is hers I can't be like k fly out here to me and do everything. It will be that I have to go out there, which is fine but right now I am just thinking however much effort you put into mine is how much I will put into yours.

Now I know that money is tight and stuff but there are ways to make it work. I will be back in school I am sure when she gets married and I will have to find money to go to but I will at least make an effort. I am just not sure what to do it has been bugging me for awhile now. I am not sure how to bring it up to her without making her mad. I don't know if I should email her or call her or what or even how to start it out. I am honestly more hurt than mad at this point. Please give me some advice!!

Re: MOH Problems! Please Help!

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    The only thing any of your BMs are required to do is buy the dress and show up at the wedding.

    I don't understand why she would need you to fly to where she lives to go dress shopping. Just tell her what dress you picked out, or if you are letting them pick their own dresses, just tell her the color/style/fabric.

    You do not get to dictate how she spends her money.  If she'd rather spend her money on remodeling her house then that's her choice.

    Personally, I would much rather spend the night with my husband than with the bride and other bridesmaids.  Like you said, everyone will just be sleeping anyway so what does it matter where you sleep? 
    image
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    Sentence structure FFS!

    Leave her alone. She doesn't have to do any of this stuff.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:de27cc10-e02e-49f6-81aa-a2d286ff57b3">MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my MOH lives out of state and we have been best friends basically since we were born. I always go back to visit at least once a year because my family lives out there and so I am able to see her that way. She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever. The problem I am having is her being involved in the wedding. <strong>Her involvement in the wedding is during the ceremony.  She wears the attire, walks down the aisle, stands respectfully during the ceremony, and smiles for the pictures.  She might also hold your flowers and fluff your train.  That's the extent of her required involvement in the wedding.
    </strong>
    When I went out recently we went to try on dresses there so she could be involved and while trying them on she says I have to fly out there at least three times to help her try on dresses. <strong>She's being silly.  There's no reason you have to go to her so that she can try on dresses.  Say no.
    </strong>
    And I was thinking why would I you aren't making any effort to come out and see me. So I was just kinda hurt thinking okay you think I can come out here for you but yet you can't come out to help me look at dresses. Now I didn't mind doing stuff with her and the wedding when I come to visit but she can also make an effort to come visit me. The wedding is not until June of next year. She says she can't come out because she has no money because she is in school and working, yet she bought a house and has now decided to rip it apart and remodel the whole thing. So I am finding it hard to think ok you could have waited on a toilet to spend some of that money to come help me I mean it is only one time. <strong>How she spends her money is not your call.  Would it have been nice for her to come to you?  Sure.  But not your decision about where her money goes.  Let go of this.
    </strong>
    Also, her parents paid for her to go visit her sister, I am not sure why she can't ask her parents to pay for her to come help me. <strong>You also can't tell her parents how to spend their money.  As a mom, I'd pay for one of my DD's to visit her sister.  Paying for a DD to visit a friend, even a good friend:  that's on her dime, not mine.  And you can't direct people to ask other folks for a loan, no matter how worthy you think the cause is.

    </strong>Then the other problem was that I said that I was going to have all the girls spend the night with me the night before and relax hang out by the pool of the hotel and just talk. And I get ya I will come for a bit but then I am going to go back to my room to spend the night with her boyfriend because he will be all alone. Now okay I understand that he doesn't know anyone but by that point it will be late and this yet again is a ONE TIME thing. <strong>Not even close here.  You suggest that she leave her boyfriend alone in a hotel room to sleep in YOUR room?  No.  You're overstepping your bounds here.
    </strong>
     I just don't understand it. I would spend the night with her in a heartbeat even if my fiancee was alone, he will be sleeping of course.<strong> You have a fiance.  You're the fiancee in this relationship.
    </strong>
     It is just like hurtful because we have been such good friends and yet she can't do that. Yet another problem is that the wedding is on a Saturday and she is driving in on Thursday which is when we have to have the 2nd bachelorette party and she doesn't know what time she will get in and I am thinking okay well then guess you will miss this too if you don't get here in time. <strong>Why do you need a second b-party? 
    </strong>
    We are also going to Vegas for part of the bachelorette party and she won't go to that either, which I know is extra money but we are all driving in a van and sharing a hotel room so it won't be that expensive. <strong> Again, her money, her call on what she spends it on.  I wouldn't go to a Vegas b-party either.  Sorry.
    </strong> 
    Another thing that is bothering me is she suggested that I have a bridal shower where I live and then one out there where she lives that she will throw. I thought okay that could be a great idea cause then my grandma will get to go and my aunt and cousins. However, then I think okay I am going to have to spend anothern $300-$400 of my money to go visit her for MY bridal shower and it just started to annoy me. <strong>Either turn down the second shower, or realize that you're going to spend your money to attend.
    </strong>
    Like she is getting off from doing everything! And when it is hers I can't be like k fly out here to me and do everything. It will be that I have to go out there, which is fine but right now I am just thinking however much effort you put into mine is how much I will put into yours. <strong>That's being petty.  You choose to do what you do, but I don't think it should be based on what she has or hasn't done.  I know that right now it seems like a good idea, but it makes you look childish.  Do what you want to do for her, but don't make it a "payback".
    </strong>
    Now I know that money is tight and stuff but there are ways to make it work. I will be back in school I am sure when she gets married and I will have to find money to go to but I will at least make an effort. I am just not sure what to do it has been bugging me for awhile now. I am not sure how to bring it up to her without making her mad. I don't know if I should email her or call her or what or even how to start it out. <strong>You lower your expectations of what she should be doing.  Because I really don't see any egregious offenses here.  So you say nothing and enjoy your wedding day.  Sorry.

    </strong> I am honestly more hurt than mad at this point. Please give me some advice!!
    Posted by TheFutureMrsHurd[/QUOTE]
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:de27cc10-e02e-49f6-81aa-a2d286ff57b3">MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my MOH lives out of state and we have been best friends basically since we were born. I always go back to visit at least once a year because my family lives out there and so I am able to see her that way. She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever. The problem I am having is her being involved in the wedding. When I went out recently we went to try on dresses there so she could be involved and while trying them on she says I have to fly out there at least three times to help her try on dresses. And I was thinking why would I you aren't making any effort to come out and see me. So I was just kinda hurt thinking okay you think I can come out here for you but yet you can't come out to help me look at dresses. Now I didn't mind doing stuff with her and the wedding when I come to visit but she can also make an effort to come visit me. The wedding is not until June of next year. She says she can't come out because she has no money because she is in school and working, yet she bought a house and has now decided to rip it apart and remodel the whole thing. So I am finding it hard to think ok you could have waited on a toilet to spend some of that money to come help me I mean it is only one time. Also, her parents paid for her to go visit her sister, I am not sure why she can't ask her parents to pay for her to come help me. Then the other problem was that I said that I was going to have all the girls spend the night with me the night before and relax hang out by the pool of the hotel and just talk. And I get ya I will come for a bit but then I am going to go back to my room to spend the night with her boyfriend because he will be all alone. Now okay I understand that he doesn't know anyone but by that point it will be late and this yet again is a ONE TIME thing. I just don't understand it. I would spend the night with her in a heartbeat even if my fiancee was alone, he will be sleeping of course. It is just like hurtful because we have been such good friends and yet she can't do that. Yet another problem is that the wedding is on a Saturday and she is driving in on Thursday which is when we have to have the 2nd bachelorette party and she doesn't know what time she will get in and I am thinking okay well then guess you will miss this too if you don't get here in time. We are also going to Vegas for part of the bachelorette party and she won't go to that either, which I know is extra money but we are all driving in a van and sharing a hotel room so it won't be that expensive. Another thing that is bothering me is she suggested that I have a bridal shower where I live and then one out there where she lives that she will throw. I thought okay that could be a great idea cause then my grandma will get to go and my aunt and cousins. However, then I think okay I am going to have to spend anothern $300-$400 of my money to go visit her for MY bridal shower and it just started to annoy me. Like she is getting off from doing everything! And when it is hers I can't be like k fly out here to me and do everything. It will be that I have to go out there, which is fine but right now I am just thinking however much effort you put into mine is how much I will put into yours. Now I know that money is tight and stuff but there are ways to make it work. I will be back in school I am sure when she gets married and I will have to find money to go to but I will at least make an effort. I am just not sure what to do it has been bugging me for awhile now<strong>. I am not sure how to bring it up to her without making her mad. I don't know if I should email her or call her or what or even how to start it out.</strong> I am honestly more hurt than mad at this point. Please give me some advice!!
    Posted by TheFutureMrsHurd[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>There is no "special" way to tell a person what you listed here as so called "problems". You need to let this situation go. </div><div>
    </div><div>She can spend her money on whatever she wants, if she chooses to spend on her life's priorities (which a house is something huge, and I can see why she bought one because of the buyers market) you need to be respectful to her decision. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for two showers, if you are really that sour about spending money to go to the one she is hosting then DECLINE the shower. Be thankful, she is offering to host a shower, because she definitely is not required (same goes for Bach. party in which she is being truthful about what she can and can not afford to do).</div><div>
    </div><div>You need to talk to her about her dress, ask her what her budget range is for a dress, pick a few out and have both of you narrow it down to one. Neither of you need to actually see one another for picking a dress, you making mountains out of mole hills with this situations.</div><div>
    </div><div>As for you would do the things for her when she gets married. Weddings are not tit for tat, expectations for a person does for you is never good, because when people "expect" things of people many times stupid problems like this occur. That's why we here tell people that the requirements/expectations of a MOH/BM is to get the dress, show up to the wedding sober, and smile. </div><div>
    </div><div>So the only thing you need to chat with her is finding a dress, other than that let everything else go. If you bring up "your" expectations to your friend about stuff then I can see your friend being very hurt and probably damage a friendship.</div><div>
    </div>
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited August 2010
    You are asking too much of her.  Flying to go on shopping trips?  That's what the internet is for.  She doesn't have to physically go with you and it's unreasonable to ask her to.

    I'd rather spend the night before the wedding with my DH than with a WP, especially if I don't know the other BMs very well.  I spent the night before our wedding at my mom's house with just her and my sister.  No need for an entourage.  It's not like I was never going to see them again after getting married! 

    Remember that your wedding is a one-time thing for you, but being a BM/MOH is something people do multiple times so it's less special for them than for you.  Keep that in mind and that might eliminate this whole "situation" once and for all.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:de27cc10-e02e-49f6-81aa-a2d286ff57b3">MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]One of my MOH lives out of state and we have been best friends basically since we were born. I always go back to visit at least once a year because my family lives out there and so I am able to see her that way. She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever. The problem I am having is her being involved in the wedding. When I went out recently we went to try on dresses there so she could be involved and while trying them on she says I have to fly out there at least three times to help her try on dresses. And I was thinking why would I you aren't making any effort to come out and see me. So I was just kinda hurt thinking okay you think I can come out here for you but yet you can't come out to help me look at dresses. Now I didn't mind doing stuff with her and the wedding when I come to visit but she can also make an effort to come visit me. The wedding is not until June of next year. <strong>She says she can't come out because she has no money because she is in school and working, yet she bought a house and has now decided to rip it apart and remodel the whole thing. So I am finding it hard to think ok you could have waited on a toilet to spend some of that money to come help me I mean it is only one time. Also, her parents paid for her to go visit her sister, I am not sure why she can't ask her parents to pay for her to come help me.</strong> Then the other problem was that I said that I was going to have all the girls spend the night with me the night before and relax hang out by the pool of the hotel and just talk. And I get ya I will come for a bit but then I am going to go back to my room to spend the night with her boyfriend because he will be all alone. Now okay I understand that he doesn't know anyone but by that point it will be late and this yet again is a ONE TIME thing. I just don't understand it. I would spend the night with her in a heartbeat even if my fiancee was alone, he will be sleeping of course. It is just like hurtful because we have been such good friends and yet she can't do that. Yet another problem is that the wedding is on a Saturday and she is driving in on Thursday which is when we have to have the 2nd bachelorette party and she doesn't know what time she will get in and I am thinking okay well then guess you will miss this too if you don't get here in time. We are also going to Vegas for part of the bachelorette party and she won't go to that either, which I know is extra money but we are all driving in a van and sharing a hotel room so it won't be that expensive. Another thing that is bothering me is she suggested that I have a bridal shower where I live and then one out there where she lives that she will throw. I thought okay that could be a great idea cause then my grandma will get to go and my aunt and cousins. However, then I think okay I am going to have to spend anothern $300-$400 of my money to go visit her for MY bridal shower and it just started to annoy me. Like she is getting off from doing everything! And when it is hers I can't be like k fly out here to me and do everything. It will be that I have to go out there, which is fine but right now I am just thinking however much effort you put into mine is how much I will put into yours. Now I know that money is tight and stuff but there are ways to make it work. I will be back in school I am sure when she gets married and I will have to find money to go to but I will at least make an effort. I am just not sure what to do it has been bugging me for awhile now. I am not sure how to bring it up to her without making her mad. I don't know if I should email her or call her or what or even how to start it out. I am honestly more hurt than mad at this point. Please give me some advice!!
    Posted by TheFutureMrsHurd[/QUOTE]

    Why don't you re-read your post and listen to how utterly ridiculous you sound. 

    She's going to school.  Okay.  But with her extra money, she is putting it towards her house.  A house is a big important expense. 

    Your friend "Has no money" because she is paying for school and her house remodeling.  You can not dicate how she spends her money.  You cannot say that her remodeling should be put off until after your wedding.  You cannot imply here that her money should be spent towards you and plane tickets etc. 

    Her money is her money, and she can spend it however she chooses.  It's very wise of her to be fixing up her house.  She has to live in it.  You don't which is why you don't care. 

    Okay her parents paid for her to visit her sister so you think her parents should pay for her to see YOU?  Why is that??

    Please follow the advice of other posters and do not say anything to her or express how mad you are.  These are not MOH problems.  They are bride problems.  or should I say bridezilla problems.

    A bridezilla would be saying MOH Problems!! Please help!! She is not doing anything and she is not spending all her hard earned cash to fly here to help me!!
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    I think it's silly for her to want you to fly to her to shop for dreses.  You really don't need to shop together.

    I originally wanted to spend the night before the wedding w/my BMs.  Then I realized that it would mean there BFs/FIs would be in a hotel in a different city alone.  Not fair to them.  My MOH came out and said she wants to spend the night w/me - her BF will be staying at his parents' house anyway.  Awesome, but I'm not going to demand the same thing of my other BMs.

    To reitterate what the others have said, you don't have a say in how she (or her parents) spends money.  IMO, a functional toilet is more important than travelling.  If YOU don't want to spend the money for a second pre-wedding party, they turn the party down.
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    I think you should really read what some of the PPs have said.

    It's probably time to relax your expectations here.  She may not be as into spending her money on others but the bottom line is that she doesn't have to do a lot as MOH - and you do need to respect that.
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    Just a quick note to some. 1) for those who think the MOH just stands there at the ceremony (ie. frogurt814BeeBee22trix1223AutumnFairyou should read this article http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx she actually is supposed to attend all the pre wedding parties and is supposed to help do the pre wedding parties. Plus a lot more. 2) If you read the original post you would see that it says I am more hurt than mad, so therefore I am not extremely mad at her. 3) I was okay with her not flying out to look at dresses, she was saying I need to fly out at least 3 times to help her. 4) I did not say I was never going to see them again. I like to spend time with my BM and MOHs and they all get along so I actually have fun with them and my Fiance and I are not going to see each other the night before the wedding. 5) I am in no way a bridezilla. Just because I am hurt by my best friend not helping with stuff, which is part of the duty of the MOH if you read in the article above does not make me a bridezilla. 6) Jenn.Daniel you had the best post thank you very much! 
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    Oh dear.

    TheFutureMrs, she doesn't HAVE to attend those pre-wedding parties.   Please don't put that as a list of things that are on her must do list.  And please don't take a list of duties from a magazine or the internet and say that your BP must follow them.  Not only is the list something designed by the wedding industry to create money for the industry but by thinking that they have to do these things, you're really creating a position where  your best friends  are no longer your friends but people who have to do a ton of unpaid things for you.  That's not really nice is it?   All these parties and pre-wedding gatherigns are extras.  Please read the FAQ at the top of this page.


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:ab3e3bbb-d4a0-4d30-a529-0b19c73211c3">Re: MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just a quick note to some. 1) for those who think the MOH just stands there at the ceremony (ie.  frogurt814 ,  BeeBee22 ,  trix1223 ,  AutumnFair )  you should read this article  <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx</a> she actually is supposed to attend all the pre wedding parties and is supposed to help do the pre wedding parties. Plus a lot more. 2) If you read the original post you would see that it says I am more hurt than mad, so therefore I am not extremely mad at her. 3) I was okay with her not flying out to look at dresses, she was saying I need to fly out at least 3 times to help her. 4) I did not say I was never going to see them again. I like to spend time with my BM and MOHs and they all get along so I actually have fun with them and my Fiance and I are not going to see each other the night before the wedding. 5) I am in no way a bridezilla. Just because I am hurt by my best friend not helping with stuff, which is part of the duty of the MOH if you read in the article above does not make me a bridezilla. 6) Jenn.Daniel you had the best post thank you very much! 
    Posted by TheFutureMrsHurd[/QUOTE]


    Well, gosh.  How could I have been so silly?  Because of course, everything you find on the internet is absolutely the truth after all.  And no one is ever trying, on an internet website,  to sell you stuff you don't need.  Well, don't I just feel silly, now.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Have you noticed those little things on the side of every Knot page?  They're advertisements.  Usually for some of the very things that are on that little list of duties.  The Knot doesn't give two shiits if you're still speaking to your friends after your wedding, as long as you buy plenty of stuff from their store and their advertisers.  Never take etiquette advice from someone trying to sell you something.  That's kind of a basic life lesson that I'm surprised you haven't learned by now.

    All of the women you called out are already married.  (Well, I don't know about BeeBee, but the rest are.)  They know what works in a wedding and what doesn't, and what it's realistic to expect of your attendants.  You'd do well to take the advice of actual brides who've been there and done that over the advice of people who just want your money.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    That list is hardly authoritative.  Read Emily Post and Miss Manners, the only sources on wedding etiquette authority.  You'll find they echo more or less what you were told here.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:ab3e3bbb-d4a0-4d30-a529-0b19c73211c3">Re: MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just a quick note to some. 1) for those who think the MOH just stands there at the ceremony (ie.  frogurt814 ,  BeeBee22 ,  trix1223 ,  AutumnFair )  you should read this article  <a rel="nofollow" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx</a> she actually is supposed to attend all the pre wedding parties and is supposed to help do the pre wedding parties. Plus a lot more. 2)<strong> If you read the original post you would see that it says I am more hurt than mad, so therefore I am not extremely mad at her.</strong> 3)<strong> I was okay with her not flying out to look at dresses, she was saying I need to fly out at least 3 times to help her.</strong> 4) I did not say I was never going to see them again. I like to spend time with my BM and MOHs and they all get along so I actually have fun with them and my Fiance and I are not going to see each other the night before the wedding. 5) I am in no way a bridezilla. Just because I am hurt by my best friend not helping with stuff, which is part of the duty of the MOH if you read in the article above does not make me a bridezilla. 6) Jenn.Daniel you had the best post thank you very much! 
    Posted by TheFutureMrsHurd[/QUOTE]


    You are hurt because your MOH is not coming down to visit you and help you plan your wedding when you said yourself before that <strong>"She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever."</strong>  So if she has hardly ever visited before, what makes you think that she will now? 

    Just because your getting married?  You think everything will change just because your getting married and your friend should come visit to help plan your wedding?  You need to get that idea out of your head.  Now that you are getting married, she is not going to start coming down to visit when she hardly ever did before you were engaged. 

    People are not going to change their ways just because your getting married.  That is nothing to get "hurt" about.  Your hurt because<strong> "she is not making any effort to come out and see me."</strong>  Don't be hurt.  Just accept reality like it is. 

    She is not going to put her life at home and work etc on hold just to come out and plan your wedding.  You need to get your priorities straight and go hire a planner if you need so much help.  People are not going to take time from work, or go spend money on a $300.00 plane ticket just so they can come and plan a wedding that is not even theirs. 

    It's yours therefore it's your job and your FI's job to plan the wedding.  Leave your MOH out of it.  That list of duties is not realistic.  It's made by the wedding industry to make you believe that these are things a MOH is supposed to do.  Those are things that a wedding planner and a day of coordinator would be paid to do for you.  Your friends are not unpaid slaves.

    <strong>The wedding is not until June of next year.... </strong>Okay then why do you need her help so bad.  At this stage of the wedding planning, you should be focused on having a venue picked out, a ceremony location and now start looking for photographer, dj, etc.  Those are things you can do on your own.  The bridesmaids do not need to be involved with anything at this point, not even dress shopping.  So stop feeling hurt that your friend is not here to hold your hand. 

    This is a very petty and ridiculous thing to be hurt about.  You can be hurt if your friend sleeps with your FI.  You can be hurt if your friend calls you up to curse you out and says "We are no longer friends", but you cannot be hurt that your friend doesn't spend money on a plane ticket to come down and go dress shopping and wedding planning 11 months before the wedding. 

    Your asking too much of her and need to focus on dress shopping at max 6 months before the wedding.  And like everyone said, she doesn't physically have to be here to order a dress.  She can look at them online.  The only time I would expect to physically see her is for the RD and wedding day and that is ALL she is required to be there for.
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    Whew! Touchy subject!

    My advice is to take a deep breath and look at the big picture.

    Yes, it is the MOH's duty to help you plan the bigger stuff like Bachelorette Party and Bridal Shower, but nothing is required of her like some of the previous posters mentioned...just like it is not required of guests to bring a gift. It is implied and guests should know.

    My big point is that generally MOHs who are in the same city or even state as the bride have more obligations, yes. Or at least you should hope she would step up to the plate and be a good MOH. If not, I'm sure you have plenty of female family members who would be excited and honored to do so. It would be polite of you to coordinate with your MOH on the matter. If your MOH or any of your BMs are out of town any significant distance, you should work with them. Yes, it was maybe rude of her to tell you that you need to fly out to go dress shopping for her, but she is probably excited to do it with you and wants your approval. All you have to do is politely say that it would be wonderful, but that you'd like to save your money for the wedding and offer suggestions and alternatives like shopping online and having her send you cell phone images that you can receive instantly. You'd just have to coordinate a time. Remember, she really wants to make your day special!

    I don't think you're a bridezilla. You've got tooons of time. Just take it one step at a time and follow a monthly checklist. It sounds like you're just overwhelmed with details that you shouldn't even start thinking about until February. The Knot has a very helpful checklist that I've followed and it's helped me get this far! ;)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:dade055a-e91f-4847-95a2-4501082cef0a">Re: MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Whew! Touchy subject! My advice is to take a deep breath and look at the big picture. <strong>Yes, it is the MOH's duty to help you plan the bigger stuff like Bachelorette Party and Bridal Shower, but nothing is required of her </strong>like some of the previous posters mentioned...just like it is not required of guests to bring a gift. It is implied and guests should know. My big point is that generally MOHs who are in the same city or even state as the bride have more obligations, yes. Or at least you should hope she would step up to the plate and be a good MOH. If not, I'm sure you have plenty of female family members who would be excited and honored to do so. It would be polite of you to coordinate with your MOH on the matter. If your MOH or any of your BMs are out of town any significant distance, you should work with them. Yes, it was maybe rude of her to tell you that you need to fly out to go dress shopping for her, but she is probably excited to do it with you and wants your approval. All you have to do is politely say that it would be wonderful, but that you'd like to save your money for the wedding and offer suggestions and alternatives like shopping online and having her send you cell phone images that you can receive instantly. You'd just have to coordinate a time. Remember, she really wants to make your day special! I don't think you're a bridezilla. You've got tooons of time. Just take it one step at a time and follow a monthly checklist. It sounds like you're just overwhelmed with details that you shouldn't even start thinking about until February. The Knot has a very helpful checklist that I've followed and it's helped me get this far! ;)
    Posted by jfonky[/QUOTE]

    **sigh**
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:efed99ea-923a-4496-bf9d-5506a4af45f2">Re: MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you noticed those little things on the side of every Knot page?  They're advertisements.  Usually for some of the very things that are on that little list of duties.  The Knot doesn't give two shiits if you're still speaking to your friends after your wedding, as long as you buy plenty of stuff from their store and their advertisers.  Never take etiquette advice from someone trying to sell you something.  That's kind of a basic life lesson that I'm surprised you haven't learned by now. All of the women you called out are already married.  (Well, I don't know about BeeBee, but the rest are.)  They know what works in a wedding and what doesn't, and what it's realistic to expect of your attendants.  You'd do well to take the advice of actual brides who've been there and done that over the advice of people who just want your money.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    I did not get the list off the side of the Knot page. My friend going to the pre-wedding parties does not envolve buying anything off of the knot not sure why it would. No need to be surprised I already know all this stuff and it is not just the knot that says this about what the MOH does. And it honestly doesn't matter to me if they are married or not. If their MOH didn't do anything for their wedding that is great for them. Not every wedding is the same and just because they are married does not mean they know what is right for my wedding or how it is supposed to work. They did what they wanted and that is their wedding. There are also lots of people who had MOH that did stuff for their wedding.

    And Trix I think it is just really funny how you think you are completely right with you "sigh" after the other post.

    Anyway it honestly doesn't matter what everyone thinks. It is my wedding and I don't want it to be modeled after anyone elses on here. I was just asking for advice and I got some but hardly any.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0fcd9969-240f-4c6b-ad00-0a14b5591d6cPost:de27cc10-e02e-49f6-81aa-a2d286ff57b3">MOH Problems! Please Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]
    " <strong>She has come to visit me a couple of times but hardly ever."</strong>
     
    "<strong>You aren't making any effort to come out and see me."

    "She says she can't come out because she has no money because she is in school and working, yet she bought a house and has now decided to rip it apart and remodel the whole thing. So I am finding it hard to think ok you could have waited on a toilet to spend some of that money to come help me I mean it is only one time</strong>."

    "<strong>I am not sure why she can't ask her parents to pay for her to come help me."

    "</strong><strong>I said that I was going to have all the girls spend the night with me the night before and relax hang out by the pool of the hotel and just talk. And I get ya I will come for a bit but then I am going to go back to my room to spend the night with her boyfriend because he will be all alone."
    </strong> 
    " <strong>We are also going to Vegas for part of the bachelorette party and she won't go to that either"</strong>

    <strong>Like she is getting off from doing everything!

    </strong> <strong>I am just thinking however much effort you put into mine is how much I will put into yours. </strong>


    OP,

    It seems here that you didn't come for advice, you just came here to complain about your bridesmaid and you wanted everyone's sympathy.
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    If 10 people are telling you that you're being unreasonable, you probably are.  But go ahead with your "I'll keep my head in the sand, thanks!" plan.   Hope it works out well for you.
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    Thefuturemrs, the point is that the list is generated on a page by TK.  TK also exists to make money.

    The other aspect is that do you really want to present your nearest and dearest with a list of things that they're supposed to be doing for you?   How would you react if your FI presented you with a list of wifely duties?

    The point is that those close to you may choose to do things like throw showers or bachelorette parties, but they should be doing those things because they are WANTING to do them - not because you feel that they should be doing them. 

    Think of all the times you've done something because you had to out of guilt or force and compare them to the things that you did when you opted to do them of your own free will.  Free will feels better doesn't it?  

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