Wedding Party
Options

Should I be upset or concerned?

I am getting married in March 2010.  I don't feel I made the mistake of asking my bridesmaids to fill the positions the night I got engaged.  They consist of my sister, my FSIL, and my two best friends who have been like sisters to me for 9 and 13 years.  All but my FSIL live about six hours away so I knew they wouldn't be capable of helping me with invitations or favors or anything like that and I am planning on doing most of everything myself or with the help of my fiance (and my FMIL has told me if I need any help at all she will help me in any way she can and she hasn't been pushy at all - she has truly been amazing).  The only necessary thing I've asked of them and expect from them is to buy their bridesmaid dresses and shoes.  Like any other bride, I'm also asking them for opinions about details like flowers and reception ideas.Three of the four have been great.  One, however, has me completely baffled and unsure of what to do.  She is my oldest friend and the closest of the two besties.  She is also the one I thought would be most excited about the wedding planning.  I was dead wrong.  She was fine when I first got engaged, but within a month she seemed to get a bit distant and snappy with any mention I made of it.  One time I even asked her about an idea for colors I had and she snapped at me and said, quote, I couldn't do that because that's what she was going to do for her wedding.  She has no marriage prospects at the moment and didn't when she said that.  That really bothered me but I tried not to think about it.  Then it seemed like she had completely dropped off the face of the planet.  No calls, emails or messages, even those unrelated to the wedding, were returned.  In May, I did get a message from her (finally).  She said that since she was moving out on her own, money was tight for her so she didn't know if she could afford the dress because every cent she was going to make was going to be going to used to live on.  The thing is, I know her mother helps her financially and would help her daughter with anything if asked, especially when it came to being in my wedding.  I'm not being snooty about that, but her mother and I were very close.  We considered each other second mother and second daughter.  And the dress will come out to about $135 with the discount they get and her family is not one to hurt for money.  I didn't point that out to her, but I gave her the option to back out if she wanted to just because the attitude I was getting from her had me feeling that she wasn't happy about it and was trying to find an excuse to back out without saying it.  I felt awful after I sent the message and talked about it with my fiance and my mother.  Both told me that I should buy the dress for her because she has been so important to me and I really want her to be in the wedding.  I sent an email to her offering to buy the dress for her because it just didn't feel right to me to not have her in the wedding.  That was June 5.  I have not received any type of reply to either of those messages, or to any asking for addresses for her or her parents or even pictures of when I went dress shopping and found my dress.  My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and her dress would be coming from my pocket.  I'm needing to buy a new car, too, and am hoping to have major expenses I've told my fiance I wanted to be responsible for paid in November or early December so I can buy a car by Christmas and handle a car payment on my own until March.  The thing is, this is completely not like her.  I have gone to my other friend to ask her if there's something wrong with her because they'd been living together up to a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't get a hold of the friend I'm concerned about.  All I got was she's been acting very differently for a while, like she's gotten meaner, and that she's extremely jealous of me because I'm getting married before she is and to a wonderful, very successful and stable guy and he's only the second boyfriend I've ever had.  Also, I can promise that if I was acting this way and she was the one getting married, she would be flipping out on me.  She is a major bridezilla in the making.  I sent her a text last week asking her about the addresses for the save-the-dates to go out in a couple of months.  She said she'd do that when she got back to town from a trip with her boyfriend on Thursday or Friday last week.  As of today, I've had nothing.  I sent her a text then when I had her attention to give me a call when she got back.  I just want to see if there's something more going on.  I can't do that, however, if I can't get a hold of her (even phone calls are unanswered and never returned).  What should I do with this?  Every attempt that my other friend made to talk to her about her behavior was met with hostility from her and "I want to see if I can get through it myself."  I'm trying to help her myself and I'm only being ignored, and very obviously so.  Should I just tell her that her attitude has been extremely disappointing to me as a friend and I don't want her to be in the wedding if she refuses to even pretend to be happy for me?  I want to help and have her with me, but not if she continues to act like this.  I don't want to have to worry about her acting this childish when I actually have to depend on her to fulfill the only duties she has of getting her dress and shoes.By the way, sorry for the long post but I want to give all the details and not have someone unfairly say I'm being unreasonable.  I'm deliberately trying not to be a bridezilla myself.  There's actually more details, but this is the overview. 

Re: Should I be upset or concerned?

  • Options
    I agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying regarding the fact that you definitely shouldn't expect her to borrow or ask for money from her parents for the dress or anything like that and the fact that just dropping her would be, depending on how you went about it, mean. However, I also am having an issue with my MOH, well she is not longer my MOH she is now just going to be one of the BM. My best friend since even before I got engaged was being very negative and she's been negative for a while now, because she went through a break up. It's been over 2 years and she's still hasn't found a way to get out of it and so i know her negativity stems from that for the most part. However, the problems i had with her is that she wasn't very responsive as much as i know she's going through her things I've talked to her about it constantly and gone out of my way to make her feel better though I've been living away from her for almost 5 years, I've continued to be her best friend. I had an issue with financial stuff with her as well in the beginning but it's not so much that she didn't have money but that she would say she didn't have money but would spend money on expensive jeans and make-up and things that she didn't really need and shouldn't have been purchasing because she didn't have money for it anyway. So I can completely understand. I know a lot of people have responded saything that your friend has other financial responsibilities and it's none of your business but there are different situations always there's a difference between people having bills and not being able to pay for something like that and on the other hand situations like my best friend where she doesn't have anything to pay for, lives at home with her parents who pay for everything, she doesn't have a job not because she can't find one but because she thinks she's to good for certain jobs and only wants to work in an office though she has no real experience and then complains that she hasn't had a job for close to 2 years. She takes out an more student loans then she has too to go out and buy clothes and stuff she doesn't need. I also did give her the option of not doing it but she got it together and did pay for the dress but now she doesn't seem to care or want to participate in anything, it is selfish of her because even though she is going through things it's not like i have ignored it i have helped her and even when i was going through a similar situation i still was always there for my friends. That's what it comes down to, is being able to be happy for someone else because that's what friends do.  I told my BM's about the dresses ahead of time and the price and one of my BM's even had to drop out because she couldn't afford the dress, and i understand that but i agree it's the biggest day of your life and if anything she should have the consideration to answer your calls and tell you what's going on with her so that you atleast know and you can sympathize with her and do whatever it is you have to do to make sure she's alright and come to a decision together on whether you want her to be part of the wedding or not. I definitely have more to say on the subject but it was take forever and I've already written a novel.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards