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Bridesmaid issues

Hello everyone,I am fairly new here, but I have enjoyed the great advice everyone has to offer.  I am hoping you all can help me with this dilemma. I was engaged in Feb. and will be married June 2010.  I did not want to rush in to asking friends to be my attendants, so I carefully thought it out and recently began asking my closest friends, most of whom I have known 20+ years.  However, there is one friend that I have known for approx. 3 years who began back in March telling everyone she was going to be a BM in my wedding, and I had not even hinted at such, nor did I intend on asking her.  My fiance and I strongly prefer to keep our party to 4 people per side.Should I continue on and let her be a BM, or should I gently let her down and risk ending the friendship?Thanks!!
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Re: Bridesmaid issues

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    Don't give in and make her a BM just because she's going around telling people that. If she says something in front of you about being a BM, gently tell her that you're only having four longtime friends, and you "couldn't possibly include everyone you want to." A true friend will understand ... but if she feels like ending the friendship over this, then you're probably better off without her as a friend. If you each happen to want 4 specific people, then that's fine. Just remember that the sides don't need to match. So don't exclude good friends or include random people just to even things up.
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    I agree with PP.  Don't give in because she wants to be a BM.  If it comes up again, let her know the WP has been chosen and they are long time friends.  All of my wedding party (with exception of FSIL) has known way in advance that they would be in the WP once I was engaged.  I still asked them though so it wasn't an assumption.  If she's upset, it's her problem for making the assumption.
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    Thats her problem for saying something that she hasn't even been asked. I would not say anything to her unless she confronted me on it then I would tell her that I had made a decision based on having been involved with the girls that you choose has they have been lifetime friends to you.You would love to have her come has a guest and she can decide if she wants to attend or not.
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    I had a simliar problem. My best friend and I drifted apart (It happens). When we caught up months later I told her that my then boyfriend and I were thinking about getting engaged. Her first comment was "OK but what colour will my bridesamaid dress be?" I kinda laughed it off and left it at that. Later that day she said "Well as your maid of honor...". I had to be very firm and say she hadn't been asked and she was rude for assuming, espcially since we aren't close anymore and we barely spoke. She has since never spoken to me, which is fine because someone who assumes is not a real friend. My bridesmaids thought they were rude for asking for an invite! They were over the moon when thet found out they were BM's. Thats what I love about them lol
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    I think you need to apologize for leading her on since March but let her know that your WP is only X people.She's out of line for assuming she's going to be in the WP but you need to nip this ASAP or you can be accused of leading her on.
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    Don't make her a BM just because she assumes she should be one. Your WP should be made up of the people you and your FI want to stand next to you on the most important day of your life thus far. Maybe there's another job you could give her, like a guestbook attendant. And, you have nothing to apologize for.  
    ~Amanda
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    If she is a true friend she will understand that you want to keep your WP small and that you have already ask those that you want to be in the WP. Just because she is telling people she is going to be does not give her the right to just become one. She might be doing this knowing that you may give in and allow her to be part of your WP. I would try to let her down as nicely as possible.
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    Set her straight now.  Just tell her you want a small wedding and are only including family or long time friends. If this ends the friendship, then she really wasn't a friend. GL! 
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    I agree with PP...no way should you have her as a BM.  If you, in no way, hinted or told her she was a BM, then she should not be one.  Too bad, so sad for her.  Its weird that she even assumed she was going to be one.  When my own sister got married (even though I knew in my heart I would be MOH), I did not say a word about being a BM/MOH until she flat out asked me to be her MOH.  Its not something one can assume.  Good luck.  I agree with PP to try to do it gently and that if she were a true friend, she would understand your decision to have a small BP.
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    Do NOT give in to her.  My fiance and I are getting married in 5 weeks. We had one of my friends from college who I had known for about 3-4 years, start drama when she found out that she wasn't going to be my BM.  Long story short, I stuck to my guns as they say, and I ended up completely uninviting her to the wedding.  We are no longer friends, but I feel better because there is no drama.  Don't let your friends or anyone ruin your 'Big Day'.
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    I agree with everyone.  No way can you include ALL friends, and her assuming does not make her any more special to you than other friends who can't be in it.On a different note, and some of you will probably disagree with me, but who really wants to be a bridesmaid in the first place?  The weddings I've been in I've enjoyed, but only because we're as close as can be and I want to do something for them.  If I were asked to be in a wedding with someone I'm not really close to (as this girl probably is not) I would see it as a burden having to buy a dress that I can only wear once, having to use vacation time to come to all the events, having to plan a shower, buy gifts, etc etc.  Who would want to do that unless it's for there VERY best friend?  Odd.
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    Thanks for all the help!!
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    I am so totally against putting someone on the meaningless job of Attending the Guestbook. Its not an honor and everyone that comes into your ceremony will see the guestbook and know what to do. Just invite her has a guest and leave it at that. She'll choose to attend or not.
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    I had a similar situation with my brother.  Both of my parents are deceased as well as my grandparents on both sides so I was at a loss as to who to ask to walk me down the aisle.  My brother and I don't get along very well so I didn't want it to be him, but he began telling people in the family that he was.  I never approached the subject with him and was planning on asking someone else.  It's really his problem for assuming!If this girl is a true friend, she will understand and if the friendship ends as a result - it probably wasn't worth it to begin with.  You want your wedding to be memorable and special - don't settle because of someone else's actions!  I didn't and I'm much happier for it!!  Good luck!
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    I had a similar problem. One of my good friends from high school has stayed in touch over the years, she has never been that great of a friend to me but she would always go around telling people I was her best friend (she defines herself by the amount of good friends she has) when she found out I was engaged she told me she was going to start getting in shape for my wedding and thought she would be a BM. For months she called me everyday and then one day when she realized that she wasn't in the bridal party she sent me this long mean email telling me she wasn't going to be my friend anymore unless I made her a bigger priority in my life! Needless to say, she is not my friend anymore and I will not even invite her to the wedding now. Stick to your guns. If you don't want her, don't have her in your wedding. No one should ever assume they are invited to your wedding, let alone assume they are in the bridal party! If you don't want to loose the friendship then just find something else for her to do. Maybe she could light the candles at the beginning of the ceremony or do a reading. Something to make her feel included. Just don't give in to something you don't want to do.
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    I totally agree with you Lokilola2.  The thing is, this person and I are not very close and we don't see each other but minimally, especially in this past 4 months.  We only communicate vaguely through text.  I just found out she was making this assumption when a friend of mine ran into her and she divulged this information to my friend.  after that I stumbled onto her Facebook page, and low0and-behold, she has had herself posted as my BM since the end of March.  I truely have been clueless to all of this until July.  Which is a testament to how distant of a relationship we have.  It is so odd to me that someone who is so far removed from my everyday life would make such and assumption and then advertise it without certainty.  I have since asked her to meet for lunch to discuss the wedding, and I am waiting for her to set a date.
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    Maybe just sit down with her at that lunch and come right out with it: "So a friend told me she thought you were one of my bridesmaids the other day" or something to that effect. If you prefer not to get as confrontational as that statement can be when left by itself, you can follow up quickly with "I told her it'd be nice to have a bigger BP but we already have as many people as we can handle" and maybe see where that goes.Good luck!
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    This is a special day for you and your soon-to-be husband. You both choose who will be in the wedding party, not random friends/associates. People can be very presumptuous and truly feel offended if you don't include them. Regardless, you won't be able to please everyone, so don't stress yourself out trying to. Kindly tell her that you have already selected your bridal party, but you would love for her to be a guest. If she catches an attitude, you have all the information you need to make an educated decision.
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    I agree with JessieGirls comment..I think if you start the conversation that way it would be good.  I had a similar thing happen.  I found out a friend assumed she would be a BM.  She brought it up with another BM who talked to her.  It was very hard to deal with and more so now because we are now back to being friends.  I am having her and another close hs friend read at the ceremony.  They are excited as they are included in the rehearsal dinner and they understand.  If they are a friend they may be hurt but will come around. 
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    To OP:You mention that she began telling everyone back in March that she would be a bridesmaid. Did you ever consider talking to her about it before now? It's been nearly 6 months, and chances are she has mentioned it in front of you. Instead of humiliating her, which you will do, you should have addressed it from the very beginning. Ex: Hey Susie, I haven't decided who is a bridesmaid yet, and I may have only a handful. I don't want to hurt your feelings you aren't one.I feel like letting it go on for 6 months will only add fuel to her flame. If you want to avoid the drama take her out to lunch and ask her to be a greeter or a reader. You've done some damage yourself by not addressing it back in March.I also only wanted 5 bridesmaids, but I have 1 girl that assumed she would be one. She has been the most excited, the most helpful, and adding her as a bridesmaid isn't going to destroy my line up.  I understand its about what you want, but don't hurt people over 1 day.
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    Man, this has to be a bit stressful for you. Is there something else that she could do to be a part. I know this will be embarassing for her. But a true friend will understand that you and your fiance have already settle on four attendants on each side.   Susie /ohio
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    I had kind of a similar situation, only mine was much worse and more complicated…I had a friend who got engaged the year before I did.  We went to grade school and high school together and still hang out with a lot of the same people.  We have never been very close, ever.  We share best friends in common, but her and I have never been best friends.  For example, I don’t even think I have ever had a telephone conversation with her ever, and the whole time that we were children I was never invited to her parent’s house. Anyway, she just assumed that she would have our whole circle of friends as bridesmaids and just assumed that we would all know that she wanted us to be bridesmaids.  So for months and months this girl thought I was going to be her bridesmaid, but she never asked me, never talked about her wedding to me at all…in fact I think I only saw her in person 3 times the entire time she was engaged.  The only communication I received about her wedding was from our mutual friend who was her maid of honor.  I was waiting for her to approcach me to ask me, so that I could nicely decline…I knew that I didn’t want her in my wedding since we are not close, and she is the kind of girl who thinks that if you are in a wedding, then you have to have that person in yours.  I figured that since I did not intend on having her in mine, the proper thing to do to avoid future drama would be to decline being in hers.  Plus I had just bought a house and knew I would also be getting engaged soon, so I had a lot going on.  So months go by without me hearing anything from her...I mean my birthday goes by, christmas goes by, and I hear nothing from this friend…and one day I get a text from her MOH asking if I was available the next day to go order bridesmaids dresses!!! So basically the whole thing kind of blew up at that point.  I had to say that I wasn’t going to be in her wedding, she never asked me formally to be a bridesmaid, she shouldn’t have just assumed that I would be in her wedding, I had a lot going on with my new house...  The bride was totally not understanding, made me out to look like a bad guy for ruining her bridal party and her wedding.  She claimed that we were such great friends and how could I do this to her (another example of how we are not good friends—she has yet to see my new house and I’ve been in it for over a year…she also never congratulated me on the purchase of it).    So she didn’t talk to me for several months and the whole thing got very messy since we have mutual friends that thought they were stuck in the middle of something. Then I start asking friends to be in my bridal party, and I ask 2 of our mutual friends (who are also bridesmaids in her wedding) to be in my wedding.  This girl freaks out that I asked them and not her—like is she kidding me?  She actually thought that I would ask her to be in my wedding after all the drama that happened with her wedding.  She emotionally blackmails our mutual friends trying to make them feel like they would be upsetting her if they decided to be in my wedding.  The whole thing really got out of hand to the point where I almost stopped talking to all of my friends in that circle because of everything.  I was mad at my 2 friends for letting her get the best of them, because it took them a long time before they agreed to be in my wedding, since they knew they would be upsetting her and would have to hear an earfull from her.  I’m the quiet nice push over friend that they didn’t care if they hurt because they knew I would forgive them.  Everything is okay now, but it has taken a long time for things to get back to normal.  All because one girl assumed that I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding and never asked me.  The whole thing has made me question my friendships with everyone in that cirlce of friends.     Sorry, that was a long story.  But bottom line is that communication is key and NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!!  This girl should not have assumed she was in your wedding.  Period.  It is not your fault for not telling her sooner that she was not a bridesmaid….you shouldn’t have to tell someone that they aren’t a bridesmaid.  Normal people know not to assume such things.  You know what they say about assuming…. 
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    Hey,My fiance` and I had a simulair problem. We were engaged back in march and our wedding isn't until Aug. 2010. My fiance` made the mistake of telling his best friend from childhood that he would be the best man in his wedding at one point when he was drinking (we weren't even engaged). He forget completely that he would actually want his brother to be the best man, and we just decided to let him down easy. He explained the mistake to his friend and told him he still wanted him in the wedding but that he needed his brother to be the best man since it is tradition.Hope that helps!!!
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    I would let her know now, before it gets worse.  I would just explain the situation and let her know that you are only going to have 4 BM.
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    I kind of ran into the same dilemma.  Here's what I did.  I talked to the girl and we agreed on letting her still be a part of the wedding since she had her heart set on it but instead of being a bridesmaid I asked her if she would do me the honor and be my personal attendant.  She was a little upset but also realized the perks.  she could wear what she wanted during the wedding since she wasn't going to be standing up front with the rest of the girls and she also enjoyed the fact that she was the one who would help me put my dress on.  She said she was excited to know that she would be the one to help me get dressed and look beautiful for my big day!! I hope we have helped you some.  Good luck with everything and Have fun next june....that's when I'm getting married too!!  :)
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    I agree with what a few people said that you shouldn't give in but I would just say that you already have your bridesmaids but that you would wonder if she could help in another way- program attendant, reading during the ceremony, musical talent etc. That way she feels part of the wedding but you still get your way- it's your wedding after all, not hers! I had a friend that I was in her wedding and I'm just using her as a helper that day, not as a bridesmaid as I chose to use my sisters as bridesmaids.
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    I think there is probably a reason you didn't choose for her to be in your party. I am getting married in two months and I wish I would have chosen the attenedents more wisely! If you feel that you made the best decision for you and your wedding...I do not think you should change it. Besides there are plenty of ways for her to be apart of the wedding (guest book attendent, help you prepare for the big day with decoration tips and such). I worried in the beginning about how everyone else felt about our wedding, but I have learned that it is the bride and groom's special day! You need to do what is right for you! Best wishes!!!
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    First of all, you said you did not find out until July, so I do not understand why people keep saying you should have taken care of this in March.  If you read it on Facebook-why not post on facebook who your wedding party is, what planning you have done and things like that.  She should not assume and you do not owe this women anything.  Yes, she will be hurt and that is sad but she put herseld in the position for it to happen.  She will have to learn from the experience.
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    Nobody but you and your fiance get to pick who is in your wedding party! Be nice about it, tell her that you obviously value your friendship, but that you have decided to keep the wedding party rather small, & you have decided on the others for personal reasons. If she is a true friend she should understand this & appreciate your honesty with her. You could have her be an important role, personal attendent maybe? I am having 3. 2 will be there to help me with anything I need & the other will be there to help my bridesmaids. I thought this way it would be more relaxing for everyone & there wouldn't be a ton of pressure on just one person. Hope that helps!
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