Fiance's sister forcing her way into bridal party - HELP!!!

monkey3708

I don't know what to do about this and am so hurt/ticked off over the whole thing, I am starting to understand why people elope!!! My situation is this, I have already selected my bridal party - two of my sisters, two of my closest friends (one that was my college roommate, the other I worked with for 3 years), and my best friend whom I've known since elementary school as my MOH. I have five and my fiance has five, so as far as numbers go, we are set. Consiering our guest list is only about 100 people, I feel that any more than this is just excessive for our guest count. I even excluded another close friend whom I have also known since elementary school, but ruled out because we are not as close as we once were and I wanted to stay within this number. Recently, my soon-to-be-sister-in-law has begun voicing her dissappointment in not being asked to be in the wedding party. Honestly, the notion never even crossed my mind. From my perspective, she and I are friendly, but by no means close - I've never even hung out with her without the prescence of my fiance. He had never asked me to consider including her and left my selection to me, so I didn't even think about it. For the past several years when I have thought about my bridal party, it has included exactly the people I chose (with the exception of my one friend) and I am happy with that. She has now even gone to the extent of pulling the 'daddy card' by going to my fiance's father and complaining to him about it, so that now my fiance is getting pressure from his father for me to inculde her. She has expressed to their father how hurt she is and that this rejection is a resentment she will carry the rest of her life. And yes, she tends to be a drama queen... I don't know what to do. I am hurt, I am frustrated, I feel like I am being manipulated or bullied at best. At this point, I feel like I will be the one who's resentful for the circumstances of her inclusion if I submit to this but if I don't, I will be obviously be hurting her feelings and setting myself up for resentment from her and possibly their father. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this??? HELP!!!

ggmae

Why not have FSIL stand on FI's side? Simple fix. DH's sister stood next to him, and my brothers were on my side.

DTDTDT

Maybe you can tell her you had something else reserved special for her... like a reading or something.

banana468

If the ONLY reason she's not in the WP is because of even sides, consider asking her.As GG said, it's also fine to ask her to stand up on your FI's side.  Is it possible to include her in a way of the ceremony so that she's still a part of it?  Can she do a reading?If not, consider her as she is.  Sometimes it's worth asking family and sometimes it's best NOT to ask them because of the stink they make.  Only you know how she acts and if it's worth dealing with her in the WP.

swim1011

I agree with ziti, your FI should be dealing with this.  However, do consider having her on his side.  My brothers will stand on my side, and I don't think it's a big deal.  You do not have to have even sides, contrary to popular belief.  If you really don't want to add anyone else, then don't.  That's your right.  My only other question is, will this cause drama and be brought up repeatedly for the rest of the time you know this girl?  And do you really want to deal with that if it will be?

LarissaAnn

No, she was NOT a "jerk" for not considering putting FSIL in the wedding party. That's ridiculous.

sapphirebaby926

ffmaid I usually agree with your advice but I think you are way off base calling her a jerk for not considering her as a bridesmaid. I didn't consider my FSIL as a bridesmaid because she's a raging b*tch and couldn't bring myself to exclude a good friend from my bridal party because I felt obligated to have his sister there instead.

ffmaid

also saphire it is not an either or you could have both friend and fsil although it is fine to exclude fsil if you truly just donlt like her.  

sapphirebaby926

ffmaid - It never crossed my mind to include fiance's sister in my bridal party and it wasn't until about a month and a half after I chose everyone that the thought even crossed my mind to include her so I guess I'm a jerk too. My fiance didn't consider asking my brother to be in the wedding party either and no one is upset about it.I just don't think it's right to feel obligated to have siblings in the wedding party if you aren't close to them -your wedding party should include the people who you are close to and who are willing to stand up and support you on your wedding day.

ffmaid

No I do not think people are obligated to include siblings. I just think that they are family and at least a passing thought should occur to consider what the family dynamic is and if it will cause more drama and hurt feeling for no good reason. It should be a consious choice. FYI if you are close to your brother have you considered having him on your side as a bridesman?

sapphirebaby926

unfortunately in some instances people are obligated to include them just to avoid the drama which is not something I would do. I rarely do anything outside of what I normally would do for the sole purpose of appeasing one person or family as the case may be.I misspoke a bit earlier but my brother is in the wedding party as an usher he's just not a groomsman (I always forget about the ushers as wedding party : P) - I considered asking him to stand on my side and while I think he would do it it would also make him uncomfortable so we decided to ask him to be an usher and he's happy to do it. 

kissybee

So I promise this won't violate the warning! It's your FIs decision if his sister is in the wedding, regardless of which side she would stand on.  It doesn't sound like he particularly wants her there (or at least he doesn't care enough to insist to you).  If he doesn't, then he needs to own up to that to his family and tell them it was his choice not to include her.

MNhanley2b

I didn't want my FSIL in the wedding party at first either but she became my MOH (by default I joke) because the two friends I'm closest with, were not available for family vaca & teacher planning PLUS it didn't help matters that I reside in FL with FI's parents, uncle & sister and the rest of our families & friends are in PA... so since she was assisting with ideas and the DIYing I 'promoted' her... which made her day and we are close but I tend to think there's jealousy and whatnot still aimed at me and plus now I think she and her mom are trying to make it what their weddings weren't.... but I have put my foot down on things but others, I've just ignored and dealt.Once the wedding's over, we're focusing on saving and relocating closer to PA anyways... But I pass on the calm and collective destressing from me to you a 'woooo saaaa' if you will in dealing with in-law family drama  Best of luck!

KJDOHERTY

I agree that it sounds like it'd be a good idea to have her on FI's side.  That way you could also ask this other friend you said you decided not to include to keep your magic number at 5 if you really want to keep your sides even for whatever reason.I think the siblings thing varies greatly from region to region and from circle to circle. In my circle, FSILs are basically always included as BMs unless the bride already has a lot of sisters or there are a lot of FSILs.  Not including a FSIL is unusual, it's almost making a statement you dislike her and don't see yourself becoming closer to her now that you're joining their family.  Then again, from the posts you see on this board in other circles/regions it's not unusual to not include FSILs.  I think by not including her you just have to accept that this might be something she or FI's family may take as a slight and may never forget, whether that's wrong or right, this sounds like it'll be your likely result.

peachkins

You definitely shouldn't let numbers or uneven sides be a reason not to include your FI's sister on either his or your side.  I do think it should be your FI's decision on whether or not to have his sister in the wedding.  My brother is in our wedding because I want him there, and FI's sister is in our wedding because he wants her there and luckily we each like the other's siblings so there was no problem.  However, I still wouldn't begrudge him having a family member there even if I didn't care for them.  One of FI's sisters is not in the wedding because he would rather she not be, and we would leave it that way no matter what his family wanted.  Long story short, do whatever you and your FI want with the wedding party, try to keep each other's feelings in mind, and don't let others dictate what you do. 

photo_jewels

I agree. Including future family in the bridal party is not an obligation. I breifly considered having my FSIL in the wedding who told FI "she never imagined not being in his wedding", but because we're having a small ish wedding, we kept the wedding party small too. I felt if I had one FSIL, I had to have all 3. She still occasionally, not smoothly brings it up, but we both brush it off. Have her hand out programs or do a reading if you're set on not having her as a BM. It's your wedding, you shouldnt be spending all your time trying to make everyone else happy. IMO

EPDwedding

Stand your ground. Like someone else said, it sets boundaries. I personally have set some pretty strong boundaries with my FSIL (both of them) because I'm concerned that if I let too much slide now... what about later? with our kids? Will they pull the manipulation games with what we name our children or some other such subject? As far as even numbers... I'm probably more obsessive compulsive than most but I too am having even numbers for both sides... the number is so small (3 groomsmen/3 bridesmaids) that it doesn't make a big impact on whose included or excluded from the WP. There's other things for people to be involved, with readers, ushers, and such.   Don't let her get you down. This is YOUR time. Remember to have fun and be strong.

llancecd08

I agree with people saying you do not have to your FSIL, however some families and regions as it was said it is customary.  I have my FSILs in the wedding on my side as BM's.  Honestly, it was better than hearing about it from them and FI's family if they were not in it - so 2 of my friends out and FSILs in as BM's.  Those 2 friends (1 was very upset), they completely understand now and are reading.  If your FSIL is very outspoken or opinionated or think will cause problems, think about your MOH, mother, and other BM's.  They have to plan a shower and I had lots of issues with my FSILs and FMIL in the planning of the shower (well my BM's, sister and Mom did).  I am still having issues with them on different things...so just be careful and go with your gut.  Think about what will cause you more issues (not having FSIL in wedding or having her in the wedding).  I like the FSIL standing on FI's side.  Best of Luck!

monkey3708

Wow, thanks everyone for all your comments! I appreciate all of your advice and feedback. I guess I should clarify, the numbers thing isn't really an issue for me. I guess I just mentioned it for the sake of it. But uneven numbers isn't a problem and not a factor in making this decision...For an update to anyone still following this, things seem to have been smoothed over between my FFIL, myself and my fiance, thanks to the wonderful man that I will soon call my husband! He has tactfully and respectfully managed to straighten things out with his father, so that at least the pressure there is off and his dad is willing to recognize now where I am coming from and that my exculding my FSIL was in no way meant as a slight. We are still working to resolve things with her, we were actually supposed to go to dinner with her tonight but his schedule got switched yesterday and now he's working late. While I do appreciate that my fiance has worked things out with his dad on my behalf, I do feel that I should be involved with things with his sister. Afterall, it is our wedding she is fussing over being in, and particularly MY bridal party. If she doesn't feel comfortable enough with me or value our relationship enough to discuss this situation with me directly, than why should I consider her as a bridesmaid?? I am all for the her standing on his side scenario, and that's actually where we are leaning towards at the moment. However, my fiance thinks that she may be insulted by the offer, which is why it's still up for debate. Apparently she can be the type that if she does not get exactly what she wants, then nothing else will suffice... Which is a trait I do not like and do not want to establish a pattern of supporting. While I do want to have an amicable relationship with her, I don't know that these are traits I want to support and behaviors I want to condone... I feel like what I get from my fiance is that she is hard to please and someone who holds a grudge, so I may have already shot myself in the foot by not anticipating her expectations in the first palce. I'd like to say I know better for next time, but I really don't want there to be a next time!Thanks again to everyone and best of luck to you all.