Bride not participating in MOH's Baby Shower: Your Thoughts

ANGEL006

I am in the process of planning a baby shower for my cousin, along with her mother and MIL. The EM just stood up for another family member as her MOH, less than a month ago out of state and hosted a shower and bach party in her honor. This overly pregnant MOH was on the run a week prior to the wedding, swelling to the point of requiring medical attention. The bride has not offered any type of assistance with her baby shower. I thought perhaps after the wedding/honeymoon excited died down, we'd receive an e-mail or phone call - this has not occured. I find it incredibly offensive that the generosity has not been reciprocated. While discussing the planning with my BF, she was also appalled by this. Because she grew up in the business, we had a long discussion on etiquitte related to these matters and she said that it is customary for the MOH to participate in such an event. Your thoughts ?

kebmtm071605

I don't think anyone should ever be EXPECTED to help host showers of any sort.  While it was nice of you cousin to host parties for her friend, the bride...it's far from realistic to expect the bride to do the same in return.  It may not be within the bride's time or financial means to do that.

banana468

I think you have to let it go.  If my pregnant friend just hosted something for me, I'd definitely do what I could for her.However some people may either not think like that or they might not have the means.  It's really not for you to judge though.  Just go with the flow and plan a great shower for your friend.

Mrs.B6302007

Just as the MOH is not obligated to host or contribute to the bride's shower, the bride isn't expected to host or contribute to the MOH's baby shower. Showers are thrown by someone who volunteers to do so and no one should be expected to contribute especially based on prior "titles".  Brides are told all the time on here that no one cares about their wedding as much as they do; the same can be said regarding the expected birth.  The bride is caught up in her new life as a newlywed and while it would be nice if she were aware of what's going on around her, you shouldn't be upset that she isn't.  That's just how it is and your being upset is only hurting you, not her.  All you can hope is that she'll do is to show up as a guest.

ANGEL006

I hear what everyone is saying, but I still would NEVER behave this way. We are all family, the bride was not a friend of the EM, but my family too. I am shocked after all was done for her that she hasn't offered a thing. It doesn't offend me as co-host, but surprises me as a recent bride and family member. The fact that SHE did run the MOH as a "worker bee" preggo, does lead me to believe that this should be reciprocated. And she did expect the "traditional" role of MOH. Yes, I said traditional. Bach party, bridal shower and extra set of hands. Using the prior post rationale , why didn't she say, " well now that you are pregnant, I can't expect you to particpate in all these events, since you have more important things to worry about" - AKA a child. I think most would agree that getting ready as a first time parent, is far more important and EXCITING than being a bride !

duckie1905

She has no obligation to assist. No one has any obligation to participate, no matter who they are or how close they are. Just because you might expect it, and others might agree that it would be the nice way to behave, there shouldn't be that expectation. Generosity shouldn't be given expecting something in return.

trix1223

Angel, I assume that the new mom/MOH was a big girl who could also have said "I'm sorry, I can't do that <insert whatever wedding stuff> right now.  My dr. says I need to take it easy for my health and the baby's health."If she ran herself ragged, harsh as this sounds, she has no one to blame but herself.Things like this are not reciprocal agreements.  Would it be nice if the bride offered to help?  Sure.  Is she under any obligation to?  No.Should you let this go?  Yes.

Mrs.B6302007

I think most would agree that getting ready as a first time parent, is far more important and EXCITING than being a bride !Sure, if someone's been a bride for awhile and have come back down to reality, but she's not there yet.  You are just going to bend yourself out of shape for being irritated with her for not doing things the way you would do them.  She is who she is and you are who you are. Don't let her ruin the fun you're having while throwing the shower.

Leah&Christian09

This is between the pregnant MOH and the bride.  I can't see any way that any of this is any of your business.  You've already said that you don't mind hosting the shower, so why do you care?Stay out of their friendship.

tidetravel

Of course, the MOH could just as easily have said, "I'm sorry - I'm 8 1/2 months preggo, so no, I will not run out to the _____ to do ____." You can't hold others up to the same standards that you hold yourself. Sorry.

[Deleted User]

"You can't hold others up to the same standards that you hold yourself. Sorry. " I agree and sometimes it sucks, but that is life.

kbandjcforever

So this wasn't really about asking for others' thoughts on the matter. It was a gripe against an unsuspecting person on a public message board regarding something that's none of your business. By the way, where did your BF get her information?  What etiquette authority says it's customary for a MOH to participate in a baby shower?

LarissaAnn

I've never heard of any such custom. If I heard that someone was hosting a shower for my cousin, MOH or not, I'd say, "Oh, great," buy a nice gift, and go to the party. I'd assume that since someone else had chosen to host the shower it wouldn't be my place to step on toes and insert myself in their plans. If I was having a kid, I'd think it likely that either my MOH or mom would host the shower, but that's 'cause my MOH was my sister. As it stands, I was my sis' MOH 6 years ago, and my mom took over hosting her shower, with "help" from me. That's how mom wanted it. Oh, and I highly disagree that a childbirth is either more exciting or more important than a wedding. I'm all excited for my sis, but as someone who doesn't want kids, I think it's offensive for you to classify things that way.

banana468

The thing is Angel, you just never know if something out there might be too painful.If the bride is a constant taker then this is yet another example of how she expects from others but doesn't give in return.But if that's the case, why would someone run ragged for her in the first place if she was expecting anything in return?  It sounds like if this is how the bride is, you and anyone else should not expect her to change her character.

jenni2349

I think most would agree that getting ready as a first time parent, is far more important and EXCITING than being a bride !Speaking as someone who is unable to have a baby and is surrounded by nieces and nephews, I disagree. I am very happy for every new little be-be that enters our family. With that being said, all SILs are treating my wedding as a VERY exciting time for me. This is my one time to have a big day, and they know it and are making every effort to make sure I feel important. That comment wasn't necessary.Maybe she is under stress at work to get back to business; maybe she thinks that everybody else has it under control already; maybe one day before the shower she'll wake up and step up; and maybe she won't. Regardless, this isn't a personal slight to you. In the end it's between your cousin and her MOH.  

emilykathleen511

I think most would agree that getting ready as a first time parent, is far more important and EXCITING than being a bride !I would just like to know, who in their right mind would go on to a message board specifically made for those about to get married and make a comment like this? I mean are you just a troll attempting to p*ss everyone off?Also, my FI and I both really want to have children, and I am, in fact a Child Development and Family Science Major, and I would still say that both events can be equally exciting events in a person's life. I mean, obviously there is some variance from person to person, but most would say that both events were extremely significant. Most probably would not be able to say which was more "important and EXCITING." I mean married people having children wouldn't have those children without both partners, and their spouse also (usually) plays a very significant role in raising the children, so the "EXCITING" children wouldn't even be possible without the marriage (again this is for married people having children).I find it interesting that you have the gall to come on to a board for engaged people and glom your opinion about how rude someone else is by being extremely presumptive (and therefore somewhat rude) yourself.Rude Angel FTW.

tidetravel

Retread: Dealing with infertitility myselt, I know the diffculties.Perhaps this is why you are so overly sensitive to the entire situation.  Obviously YOU are excited for EM, probably due to the fact that you are having trouble in that area.  Doesn't mean everyone else is, or should be.MOH's wedding was 1 month ago.  There are already 3 people planning the damn shower.  She doesn't need to be another cook in the kitchen.  I'm sure she will attend and have a great time.  And - speaking as someone who IS pregnant, I will say that NO, I am not nearly as excited planning for the arrival of my baby as I was planning for my wedding.  Have you TRIED putting together a baby registry?  Far more stressful/difficult than a wedding registry.  Ugh.

tidetravel

Bitchy is bitchy and those out for themselves, always put themselves firstSays the person that comes to a wedding message board to biitch about a stranger in a situation that doesn't even concern her.Pot.  Meet kettle.

duckie1905

I think most would agree that getting ready as a first time parent, is far more important and EXCITING than being a bride Spoken like someone that wants kids. DH and I will never have children so, for us, the wedding was very exciting and much more so than the thought of being parents. We also get much more excited about weddings in our circle of friends and in our families and not so much about babies (because we don't like them). Not everyone sees children as this awesome thing to be uber excited over. You are already more sensitive to this because you are having trouble TTC so why not cut everyone else a slack with the attitude? What exactly is the "business" your best friend in? I'd like for you to find the page in Emily Post that says "If your maid of honor is pregnant you MUST help her plan her shower." Showers are gifts (wedding and baby) and no one is ever obligated to assist or participate. The preggers MOH had every right to say no if the bride asked her to do something. She had every right to take care of herself and not run around and possibly harm herself and her baby for someone else's wedding. It was her choice to help, just like it is the bride's choice now to not help. While it would be nice if she did help you have no idea why she isn't and you have no right to judge her. You may think it is biitchy to not help but some may think it is biitchy to come onto a wedding message board a insult a woman you know nothing about. As tide said: pot, meet kettle

peachkins

I too don't understand why it's necessarily customary for a bride to participate in planning the baby shower for her MOH.  What does one thing have to do with the other besides the fact that the two people are good friends?  I mean, yeah, it would have been very nice of her to see if there was anything she could help with since they are such good friends, but as a family member of the EM I wouldn't necessarily be expecting it.  Putting myself in the bride's shoes, I would've already assumed that someone from the EM's family was probably already planning the baby shower. 

trix1223

Oh goodie.  A new "duty" for a MOH.  How soon will this show up on someone's list of things a MOH must do or you can end the friendship.

dsouldiva

If there are already 3 people involved in planning the baby shower (and you are all family members) I don't see why you think she would butt in and try and take over?? I'm sure she is extremely grateful for the MOH's help and I'm sure that will reflect in her friendship and assistance offered after the shower. Personally I wouldn't try and get involved in planning a shower where Mothers & MIL's were concerned, the words "stepping on toes" spring to mind.

ffmaid

I think you are not a very generous hostess. Th4e bride might be taped out energy and money wize from her own wedding. Bride also is out of state and traditionally out of state people are not even invcited to baby showers. Also if you want tradition for the month following wedding a new couple traditionally declines all social occasions in order to spend time with their spouse. Get over yourself and either hostess a party graciously or cancel but donlt get your panties in a twist that others are not offering to cohostess  

Leah&Christian09

Where do you get off preaching about etiquette when you are gossiping about someone behind their back? I think you are the one that could stand to learn some manners!