what's the point?

meganjane86

I come over to this board every once and a while when I'm bored because there's always some kind of drama filled post, but I'm seriously starting to wonder why girls would even bother to post a question on this board? Anything anyone asks is always met with the answer "your moh is not your slave" or "all they have to do is wear a dress and stand there!" I'm not saying that your bridal party should be ordered around, but for crying out loud they're suppose to be your best friends and family! You should be able to count on them to give you advice or listen to you vent, just like in any other life situation! When I failed a test in college, I went to my moh. When I was upset about a fight with my mom, I went to my aunt (my bridesmaid).  Why shouldn't I be able to go to them about wedding stuff? It just seems a litle ridiculous!Just had to get that out. And now I'm leaving to go meet my florist.... WITH my moh since my fi had to work.

banana468

The point is that your MOH and BMs don't HAVE to do those things - and you shouldn't expect them to have to do them.Good friends do things for their friends because they love their friends.Good friends also don't expect anything of their friends.It's one of those dynamics of friendship that are interesting.  You don't put the expectations on the person - the person just does those things out of the kindness of her heart.That's the point here.  You don't assign anything to your MOH or BMs except for the requirement of buying the dress and showing up.  The rest, while traditional and is what good friends often do, is not required of BMs.THAT is the point.And FWIW, if a BM came on here and said, "All I intend to do for my best friend is to buy a dress and show up," I'd think she's in the wrong as well.Compare it to your relationship to your husband/FI.  He's not "required" to do things for you but hopefully does those things because he loves you. 

meganjane86

I understand that there are probably a few posts where the brides are backed up, but not for the issues I'm talking about.  Heaven forbid on this board where the bride assumes her bridal party will want to partake in a bachlorette party or something... I'm just saying that I think a lot of the girls who come on here with innocent quetions are made to feel like jerks for it.

meganjane86

banana, I like your post and that makes sense when you put it that way. I do understand what you guys are talking about, I just don't understand why there always seems to be such an attitude about it.... although I guess that happens when reading what someone's typed instead of hearing what someone's saying.

banana468

I think you're missing the point.  It's never appropriate to expect people to throw you parties ever.One would hope that BMs do some of the traditional aspects but it's not appropriate to tell them that they have to do this or come up with some graceful way of telling them to do so.That's akin to saying that you 'expect' a diamond from your FI and you have to come up with a way to mandate how he's going to propose.  It's completely inappropriate to do so.

banana468

Sorry, I think we were posting at the same time. 

mbcdefg

The difference between here and real life is that people here have nothing to lose by telling a bridezilla that she's being a bridezilla. People in real life may not be telling her to her face that she's acting like a spoiled brat, but I'd be willing to bet that at least a few people she knows are whispering behind her back about it. There's also a difference between a blunt, honest comment ("Your behavior is out of line"), and intentionally making someone "feel like a jerk" ("You're stupid and dumb and an idiot"). Telling someone that she needs to cut the crap is not intended to make her feel like a jerk - it's intended to try and help her salvage some friendships before she loses them by acting like a nut. There shouldn't be a need to sugar-coat a response. This is an entirely voluntary message board full of adults. If someone is a mature adult, she should learn to accept constructive criticism, know how to recognize blunt but honest and well-meaning advice from a genuine put-down, and know when to walk away when she's had enough (rather than whine like a child about how mean everyone is and how she feels sorry for our husbands). It's certainly not a case of "always" (again, read more posts instead of getting mad at just a few) ... but, frankly, a few people who have posted here over time SHOULD feel like jerks for their behavior. Because some of it is just a cruel way to treat their friends.

banana468

I think it's hard to convey tone in writing.   The other aspect is that the post of 'what to get my BMs to do' is common.  After a while, you're going to get blunt responses that are the absolute truth. 

bablingbrooke

No one is saying you can't vent or ask for help or expect them to throw you a party. All of those things are totally reasonable. What is often said is that you can't kick someone out of your WP (i.e. end the friendship) because a friend won't tie ribbons on baskets every saturday from now until December, or because she can't throw you an extravagant bach party because she got laid off, or because she's starting law school in another state and can't help with planning (all three of those examples are from real posts). Do you see the difference?

bablingbrooke

Yes molly we're all bitter old ladies with no love for anyone or anything and can't wait to jump down someone's throat. How we ever snagged poor unsuspecting men to marry us is one of the great mysteries of the world.

banana468

Thanks Retread.  I was having lunch with the work ladies while this was happening.

*BeachBride0410*

If you think this is an angry corner....I obviously haven't experienced some of the people on the P&E board.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

The difference between here and real life is that people here have nothing to lose by telling a bridezilla that she's being a bridezilla. People in real life may not be telling her to her face that she's acting like a spoiled brat, but I'd be willing to bet that at least a few people she knows are whispering behind her back about it. So true!  Take my sister in law's wedding last year!  Total bridezilla, but to the best of my knowledge, no one said anything to her.  But the looks that were being exchanged on her wedding day while she got her hair done (and spewed more Bridezilla nonsense) indicated all of us were on the same page.  Then get us by ourselves to get dressed and it just took one person saying "OMG I'm going to smack her"...and everyone broke loose.  This was her wedding party.  Her nearest and dearest.  And on her wedding day, everyone wanted to smack some sense into her.  A trip to this "mean little corner" might have been good for her because she was totally wrapped up in the notion of "its MY day I do what I WANT".  I happen to know that everyone in that wedding party took a good long break from her after the wedding- because we needed some time away.  No, friendships weren't ruined.  But they definitely had some temporary damage done by her actions.

carrieoz_76

I just wanted to chime in that I've found the women on here *super* helpful.  I'd been reading this board for a while when a sticky issue came up with a very close friend.  She's going to be a BM for me (I picked early knowing potential consequences - don't worry).  She and I had a *huge* issue like 3 years ago where we planned a vacation together, and less than a week before she bailed, thus causing me not to be able to go.  I was really mad about what happened, and *how* it happened, and it took us like 6 months before we were really friends again, although we worked through it.Well, I asked her to be a BM for my DW, and she gladly accepted.  She soon thereafter told me that she's thinking about getting pregnant - which I was happy for her about - but assured me that she'll make things work with the wedding, including delaying things till next spring so she can go to our DW.  I called her last night to tell her that I love her, I want her on the trip with us and all our friends (hers, too), and if she and her H decide to wait so they can go I think that's great.  But (at least in part b/c I've been paying attention to this board and I've learned that you have to treat your BMs like the besties they are and not like your employees) I also told her that family planning is *her* decision, and I WILL NOT be mad or upset or anything less than super happy for her if she's pregnant - even if it means she can't go.  She was really relieved, and it turns out she'd been feeling like she should make sure what happened years ago didn't happen again (not that these are the same AT ALL!).  I wanted her to know that what she does is her decision, but it shouldn't be one made out of emotional guilt.  She's a friend first, a BM second (or third, or fourth... ).  It felt good to tell her that, and I think she needed to hear it.So this board does good things too.  Thanks everyone. 

StacylovesAdam

Mollyfaye- we get it... you don't need advice, it was a "joke", and you do not have anything important to say! OMG you are so clever! My god go on with your day already it is over!

BeenthereDonethat04

The point is to get a reality check sometimes.  I think weddings can bring out the worst in people, something to do with too much tulle and lace that has many people putting their foot in their mouth.  That goes for brides and wedding party members (and I've been both).I say here what I wouldn't say to my now-SIL when she was planning to marry my brother.  I gave her the sugarcoated version because I don't like to hurt feelings.  However, some of her bridal "demands" were pretty insane and for what?  A "perfect" day?  At the expense of the relationships with those who supported their union?  It's just not worth it.  My wedding party was awesome.  However, they were that way before the wedding planning.  They offered to help and I accepted.  Sometimes I asked for help and some could help out and some couldn't.  However, I didn't expect them to help me out or participate in the planning.  They had lives too.  That being said, I LOVED helping my friends with their weddings.  I knew it lowered their stress level and we had fun.  I didn't expect change from my wedding party.  I expected them to maintain the friendship as it always had been and that is why we asked them to stand up there with us.

bablingbrooke

Stacy, don't worry, I think Retread banned her for trolling and then bragging about how smart you are and how dumb everyone else is for falling for your "social experiment". Never mind that the exact same thing has been posted dozens of times before on this board by real people.

StacylovesAdam

Good that was really obnoxious! :-)

duckie1905

The ladies on here knocked me down a few steps once when I needed it. No one in my real life was willing to tell me what a complete jerkwad I was being.You know what, the ladies on here were right, I needed a reality check.Most of the beebees that post on here need one too.  They just get upset because they don't get the validation they seek and storm off, having a 3-year-old-like temper tantrum.And for some reason, there are always people hanging around willing to provide validation for their craptastic behavior, which means they need a reality check too.

PinkElephantsOnParade

Hi Megan.  I hope that you are having a lot of luck with the florist.  I went with my mom and we had a total blast!I have seen the occasional snarky post in a few different places.  I think it might just be because we cannot tell the mood or tone that it was intended to be.  It would be so much easier if we could hear someone's tone or see someone's face.  I think that we can all do our part to keep it positive.  For example, I know not to post on here when I'm tired and cranky....because if I do, watch out!I have seen some really good advice here and I am thankful for the reality check.  It makes me laugh and reminds me not to torture my family and friends like that.  It doesn't seem like you are a ridiculous, slavemaster bridezilla at all, but I have seen some posts from other people that are really extreme.