Should BM be reimbursed?

Soforreal

Right to the point, one of my BM just told me she can't be in the wedding due to financial reasons.  She already bought her dress and paid for it in full.  She insisted I ask someone else so they can buy her dress, however, I told her at this point I may not ask someone else.  Anyways, should I reimburse her the money for the dress she purchased?  I mentioned to her that I understand if she can't attend the wedding at all due to her "financial" reasons and surprisingly she said she would attend and be there with her partner so put her down for two!  At $65 per person, I'm like whatever!  I'm just upset right now because she says she can't attend because of finances but now she can?  So, being that I'm still mad about her decision, I think she should eat the cost of the dress she purchased.  When you buy a ticket to a concert and you decide not to go then that's your problem not mine.  I sound mean but I'm just tired of all the BM drama lately!  I think she should just receive the dress and sell it on craigslist or something, it's out of my hands.  I have too many other things to worry about.  Thoughts?

sapphirebaby926

I'm really confused here - she's already paid for the dress but it'll be too expensive for her to stand up with you? And she's still planning to attend the wedding? It almost sounds like she's trying to back out of the wedding to me. To answer your question in this situation no I would not reimburse her.

lindy.linder

I have a few thoughts on this.Do you want to have her in your wedding?Are there any circumstances in which she would stand next to you?If both those answers are yes and rely on you reimbursing her dress (which lots of brides do for BMs who are financially strapped) then I say do it.If either one of those answers are no then I say do not reimburse her. In all honesty it sounds like she wants to go to a party but does not really care to be in your bridal party anymore. Otherwise she would have asked for reimbursement so she could stand with you not so she could back out.

bablingbrooke

If she's dropping out of her own volition, no, you don't reimburse her. Could the finances thing be travel or accommodations? Is she local?

mbcdefg

I agree, don't reimburse her. But all she has to do as a BM is get the dress (which she's done) and be in the wedding (and she's attending anyway, so it's not like she can't get there). As long as you're not requiring pro hair and makeup and specific shoes, she shouldn't have any other expenses. Yes, BMs might chip in cash for a shower or bachelorette or a present for you, but if times are tight for her then you can always tell her that her participation in your wedding is enough of a gift for you. Sounds like there's a deeper problem. I would call her, or invite her out for coffee if you live close to her, and ask her what's REALLY going on. Have you been asking a lot of your BMs? Have the other BMs been asking a lot of her, or treating her unfairly? Talk to her and ask.

swim1011

You have no obligation to reimburse her.  I would be curious as to why she is no longer interested in being in your wedding, though.  Talk to her, and find out what's going on.

jaimelody

Could be other things that are coming into play that make it too expensive to contribute - your shower, Bach. party, etc. If you really want her next to you, offer to pay for the dress so she can wear it while she's standing next to you. If it's a matter of her just not wanting to be in your wedding anymore - qualms with you - then I wouldn't reimburse her and just let her go on her way.

melishka716

Agree with PP. But I find it odd that her dress is paid in full, but yet she can't be a BM, due to financial issues, but is still going to the wedding.

Leah&Christian09

Tell her that it would be inappropriate to "replace" a BM, and that the spot is still hers if she wants it.  If she doesn't, she can try to sell the dress on ebay or craigslist, but that isn't your issue.  Like others have said, all a BM has to do is get the dress and show up for the wedding.  I don't see what other financial issues could be in the way.

Lady05

No I would not give her money back. I think there is something deeper going on that she is not saying...so you might have to read between the lines and investigate it. The only thing BM have to do is buy the dress, bach party and show up to rehearsal and the wedding. THere is not a lot of money the BP have to come out of pocket. Its real funny how she cannot be in the wedding but she still want to come to the wedding w. a friend.The dress is her problem NOT yours... HTH! GL!

peachkins

Ditto pp on this, and I wanted to bring it up again because not many mentioned it- don't replace her with someone else just because she wants to sell her dress.  Anyone you ask at this point is going to know it's a last-minute deal and will be wondering why you didn't ask in the first place.  And no, don't reimburse her for the dress.  Maybe if you tell her that you will not be replacing her and she's stuck with the cost of the dress she'll reconsider being in the wedding.  It could be that she's regretting making the purchase and that money's tighter than she thought.  It really isn't your problem if that's the case.  I still agree w/ pp that there may be something else going on. 

stina93446

I would not reimburse her. She already bought the dress and dropped out because of her own things. And yes, don't replace her. it's not your responsibility to find her a replacement and get them to buy her dress. I would tell her to sell it on ebay or preownedweddingdresses.com. In my eyes, this is not your problem.

Soforreal

Thank you all. I feel a lot better and I agree with all of you that there's probably another explanation for her actions. I've decided to not her replace her position. Any reimbursements she is seeking will have to be between her and the bridal store and I have nothing to do with it. I've also considered mentioning that I think it's in her best interest, given her financial stress, to reconsider her attendance at the wedding. However, before I communicate this to her I'm going to calm down and wait to respond when I've gotten over this situation. I'm done trying to figure her out and you're right she's left me confused on why she's still attending especially if she doesn't have the money. I'm speculating it has to do with her new possessive and abusive boyfriend but we won't go there. Anyways, thanks to you all. I knew I could count on you.

ffmaid

I fail to see the cost difference between being a guest who happens to own a bm dress already and being a bm. Could you ask her what cost difference she sees???