The one who introduced us... is no longer a friend.

nesgood

A former friend, "Mary", introduced us while my fiance and I were both in flight school. However, a recent unfortunate event drew us apart. While driving to the beach in "mary's" friends Jeep, I was riding in the back and repositioned my backpack to keep the cooler lid from flying off. In the process my iPhone fell out of a side pocket. I asked if the driver, "Nate", would turn back and if they could help me look for it. They both just sat there silently, as we drove past the area where my phone fell out. We drove by 3 times, at 45mph. Now, I'm not sure how good YOUR eyesight is, but even as a pilot, m can't see an iPhone going 45mph. I had repeatedly asked if they would stop so I could get out and walk the median of the road near where my phone fell out, but they were too focused on getting to the beach to hang out with everyone else. They ignored my plea, and we continued to the beach. WHile we were there, I asked if we could leave a little early so I could hit up and AT&T store before it closed (it was Sunday). But I was ignored. Needless to say, I was really upset about the lack of loyalty in my "friend" and otold her why I was upset. My words fell on deaf ears. This wasn't the first time I've had issues with this friend. My issue is, I TRULY appreciate that she introduced us, because I met the love of my life. Do I include her in the wedding party? Do I only invite her as a guest? Do I blow her off entirely and not invite her at all? Thanks for your input, ladies!

mbcdefg

If you're close to her, ask her to be a bridesmaid. If you're friends but not close, invite her as a guest.If you don't like her anymore, end the friendship and don't invite her at all.But why aren't you mad at the guy who was driving? The friend didn't have control over the car.

mbcdefg

And for what it's worth, we no longer speak to the girl who introduced FI and me either. There was no falling out ... she moved across the country to get married and we never heard from her again. But still, we wouldn't seek her out and invite her just because of our history. I also have to ask ... how old are all of you? If you're about 21 or younger, I might say to just chalk this up to your friends' immaturity and the lessons you learn as you grow up (like putting your friends before a summer fling). But if you're older and it's clear that she's not going to change, then you have to decide if you want to continue on with this friendship if you feel so strongly that she's not putting in the effort that you are.

HeyYou17

I don't think there's any obligation to include a "friend" in the WP just because she introduced you two... maybe I sound mean (and I usually feel guilty about things like that too). If you're close to mary and want to remain friends with her, just invite her to the wedding as a guest. She doesn't expect you to ask her to be in the WP does she? She actually doesn't really even seem like she cares about being a good friend... apparently especially when Nate's around. You can't help falling apart from friends. Plus, your wedding is so far off...see how you feel later about it all. If you grow closer, great; if not, you don't "owe" anything to her, as grateful as you are for having met your FI.

ffmaid

Walking a median is not always a safe option so driving by makes sense. Also could you have called the phone with another phone to hear it? Although bluntly it was probably busted from the fall from a moving car . So basically you lost your phone and are willing to lose a friend over this. Why should they end their beach trip early since you lost your phone? Not that big of a deal. I think you should get over this and forgive it since you were really the one that made the original mistake.

mbcdefg

And actually, come to think of it, something similar happened to me while I was on vacation last month ... I was wading in the ocean with some people and my phone slipped out of my pocket at some point and I couldnt' find it. They just said, "Oh, that sucks" and that was it. Doesn't mean that they dislike me ... it means I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own belongings. I wouldn't have made them leave the beach and drive me to a store to get a new one. And ffmaid has a point that walking in the middle of a road is incredibly dangerous, and it's not worth risking your life over a stupid phone. Heck, I went without a phone that entire week and it wasn't a big deal. Maybe they were annoyed that you "needed" a new phone right away ... if you REALLY needed to make a call, you could've borrowed one of theirs or used a pay phone.

nesgood

More Details:I. I do chalk"Mary's" actions (or lack thereof) up to immaturity (I'm 24, she's 22). She's just out of college and she and "Nate" have had this weird dynamic, where they have liked each other for years but neither has acted on it. Mary sometimes throws herself at guys, who I think get the wrong idea, or think that she's acting like a tease. Then she wonders why no guys want to have a "relationship" with her. While I am only a few years older, I do feel way more mature, especiall when I reflect on how I was when I graduated. II. I did go back the next day and found my phone after walking 5 miles up and down the median (it was wide and grassy, not a very busy road, so it was safe). Since it was in a hard plastic case, it was fine!!! III. I did say things to "Nate" repeatedly, like 'can you slow down,' or 'can you pull over so I can jump out and  and walk, I'll meet you guys further down the road.' And so on and so forth. They both just acted like they couldn't hear me, and neither said anything back.VI. Prior to this incident, we would hang out weekly. And Since the incident, I have tried getting in touch with her, i.e. called on her birthday, and have sent facebook messages with 'lets hang out, bury the hatchet' sort of theme. V. The phone was pretty important at the time since my grandmother was in the hospital dying (in another state), so I was constantly getting updates about her status, and trying to talk to her on the phone. "Mary" and "Nate" were both aware of this.

banana468

In their defense, I can see that their point of view is that you're in charge of your own stuff and should have been more careful.However if the only thing on my plate was getting to the beach and not something like a work appointment, I do think they were out of line.There isn't much you can do except understand that these actions are speaking to your friend's character.  It sounds as if this is in keeping with how she is so don't expect her to change....and cross Nate off your Christmas card list.

bablingbrooke

I'll never understand why women want to ask women they don't like to be BMs because of the way things used to be between them. It's playing with fire and asking for trouble. Having said that, I do think they were being jerks, but is this really enough to end a friendship? Cool off a bit before you make any decisions. I can totally appreciate you wanting to end it, but don't make decisions like this now. Especially if you've never had an issue before.

winowedding

It does not sound like you are close enough with this person to justify including her in your WP. I was going to suggest acknowleging her in some other way- a good friend of ours introduced my cousin and her husband, and she wasn't in the WP but my cousin thanked her in the program. But I would wait  until much further along in your planning process to consider this stuff.

rasdreamer34

Wow! Alot of people seem to be putting the fault on you! Maybe the phone was just an accident but a true friend would have been more interested in helping you. As for the wedding, I would invite her to the wedding as a guest. She introduced you, she was with you as your relationship grew, and there as you got engaged. Since she hasnt responded to your "Let's hang out" messages, she may not come to the wedding. But at least she has the option. HTH

nesgood

Rasdreamer34, thanks for the advice, I'll do just that!!! Also thank you for stating the obvious: I agree, It seems that others who posted are more about personal attacks than helping a sister out. and they should just keep their comments to themselves **ahem** If you don't have anything useful or relevant, don't take up space. The whole point being that a loyal friend would help, but she threw me under the bus (or jeep, as it were) and said do it yourself. A real friend would help. Yes, it was my fault it fell out, but I did go back and spent all afternoon walking 5+ miles (which is something that Leah&Christian looks like she's never done). If I didn't like her, I wouldn't care so much about inviting her and including her. I wouldn't care at all what she thinks. We were, in fact, close friends, as two women often are in a "man's world" (the military).

banana468

nesgood, all the other ladies here did give great advice.

banana468

In addition, the point of this board is to be realistic.  The comments may not have been what you wanted to hear but they were certainly excellent advice.Once you post on a board, you don't get to control the responses.

banana468

It was about a situation and how it was handled.  You offered those details in what appears to be the hope that it made them look poorly compared to you.They don't look fantastic however it's important to remember that people will judge a situation rather impartially when there is no loyalty to it.  Try to remember that.In remembering that as well, please also think that perhaps assumptions were made on the parts of all occupants of the car that day.

bablingbrooke

nesgood, why the heck are you flying off the handle? If you want to see real snark and sarcasm, post on P&E.

banana468

nesgood, you posted that you thought more posters were all to happy to make personal attacks rather than give advice.You do recall typing this don't you?  It seems that others who posted are more about personal attacks than helping a sister out. and they should just keep their comments to themselves **ahem** If you don't have anything useful or relevant, don't take up space. Please realize that the advice your received should help you not just with the initial situation but also with your wedding.  BTW, the 'can you leave well enough alone' comment is walking a VERY thin line. 

bablingbrooke

Already in law school but thanks for the advice. You're not being very nice and I can't imagine why; nobody was mean to you. No one. You just seem upset that we aren't dumping on your ex-friend. If this is how you acted about the cell phone, I could see why things went down the way they did.

banana468

nesgood, you don't have to like the advice stated.  You DO need to respect the advice you've been given and the posters.  It's up to you to handle the situation.  It's all up to you if you'd like to listen to the impartial advice that has been given.This is a public board.  Anyone can post on here and the beauty is that you will get a ton of opinions.  

ffmaid

NES- I'm sorry you are mad that you lost your phone. But you are failing to take any peronal responsibility for your own actions (dropping phone) non your own word(ASSUME). If you had to walk 5 miles searching that probably took hours. Sorry but your dropping your phone is not a reason to delay your friends vacations for hours. they also could have liekly expected it to be a loss. I'm glad you found it but expecting others to spend hours of tehir vacations searching a median because you are not careful with your own things is asking a lot of them. Perhaps you should think about it from the other side as well. Yes it would have been nice if they spent hours of their vacation searching for your phone that you did not treat carefully. But they were not under any obligation to do so even if they care very much about you. Clearly your phone matters more to you then your friends so clearly they are not people you care to be friends with. So she should not be a bm. However, as she is responsibile for introducing you and FI you should actually get her a gift upon your wedding as she has clearly give you the nicest gift of your life. Traditionally matchmakers get given gifts for this reason.