BF bride is trashing my wedding... advice please!

Towelgrl

My best friend since middle school is getting married in a little over a year to the best friend of my DH. For me, this is great! I'm excited, especially since I set them up two years ago.DH & I got married a little over a year ago, a bit sooner than we had expected to. We dated for about 6 years and were planning a large wedding, but between my student loans, housing, and other financial and time restrictions that popped up, we realized that it was wiser to get married before I started my last year of school. However, it was mid July when we realized this, so we had about a month to get married. I have an extremely large family, so in order to afford our quick nuptials we cut down our list to just immediate family members, grandparents, and best friends, for a total of less than 20 people. We had a casual ceremony on the beach that we spent our first year anniversary on, and though I wished I could have had everyone, it was beautiful, wonderful, and refreshingly easy. Plus, with the money we saved we got to go on an amazing honeymoon - we had never been able to go on a trip like that before.So now that my BF is engaged she makes sure to mention each time her wedding is coming up that she is going to do her wedding "right," that she loves her family too much to have a small list and unfairly cut out people that have supported her throughout her life. "I couldn't bear cut the guest list - that's just NOT ALLOWED in my family."  "I'd rather go broke than cruelly hurt the people in my family by having a small ceremony." "You see, in the filipino community, we care about all our cousins and aunties and stuff, so I have to invite all of them. I know it was a different situation for you, and maybe you aren't as family oriented as I am, so that's fine I suppose but I would never have the heart to tell someone they couldn't come."She also plans on having a beautiful, lavish wedding for 300-350+ people, and her fiancé is a foodie so he wants really good food. They plan on doing this on about $10k in Los Angeles, but haven't really started planning. I have so much information that I could give her (from all the wedding planning I had done before my DH proposed...), but I'm really hurt by her words. It seems everytime she brings up her wedding it's to say how much better hers will be and how unloving a person I was for having a small wedding and that I was selfish for going on a honeymoon instead of inviting my family (with everyone, my list would have been 200-250+ people).It hurts because she's been such a dear friend and has never treated me so cruelly before. Am I overreacting? I normally just try to say something like my wedding worked for me and yours will be great as well, but she knows that I was sad that I couldn't have a larger party. I don't know... should I confront her?  Sorry this was so long

bablingbrooke

With friends like her who needs enemies? You had a lovely, intimate wedding and I think you have your head on straight. You and your DH definitely had your priorities in order. Is she thinks she can have a lavish wedding for 350 ppl for $10k, she's in for a VERY rude awakening. Hopefully you won't be in her life anymore when it happens.

Towelgrl

Yes, she's now saying that she's willing to sacrifice everything but good food and her guest list to make that mark. I warned her once that good food is expensive, and she's considering bumping up the budget to $15k. It's still laughable. I told her she'll have to throw the wedding in a field and hire a few taco men, or have a potluck, but like I said, her fiancé wants "foodie" food. Oye vey.But I wouldn't be so quick to throw away her friendship so fast. We've been good friends for such a long time, and since I've married, I moved probably 80 miles away from her, so we haven't been able to spend as much time together. I'm wondering if she's just got a (hopefully temporary) case of bridezilla. There's also the fact that my grandfather made my grandma call the day of my wedding to say that he wasn't going to be able to make it. I know it's because he was mad that I didn't invite everyone and that it wasn't in his church. I was sad that my grandma couldn't make it because of it. Maybe she's avoiding that? But either way, it feels like she's rubbing it in. She's only said these things directly to me, immediately after she got engaged, but the other times she's made these comments with me standing next to her, to other people, and it's embarassing but I haven't said anything because I haven't wanted to make a scene. That and she's NEVER acted like this before. Normally she'd kick someone's booty for behaving so rude. I just wonder what the heck got into her, and whether or not I should confront her about it. These comments are helpful, and I welcome more.

kmmssg

Take Retread's advice - it is spot on.  It's all you need to say, and you NEED to say it.

banana468

Ditto Retread as well.My guess is that she's really hurt and hasn't gotten over it.  Her perspective may be that you put your honeymoon as a greater priority over her and she's hurt by it.  The problem is that she's going about this in a horribly passive-aggressive way with you.  Either she's your friend or she isn't and if she's really hurt about not being there for your wedding, she should say, "I'm really hurt that you put a small wedding and a big honeymoon as more important than me."But she hasn't said that and she's not understanding that you had reasons to do what you did.  So follow Retread's advice and also understand that perhaps she's also suffering from a twinge of 'Keeping Up With The Joneses' syndrome where she has to make sure that what she does is 'better'. 

gabi829

I'm sorry your friend is being so thoughtless.  She also clearly can't do math.  If she has a 10K budget and 500 people, and all she paid for was food she would only have $20 per person for food and drink.  Since she's a novice in wedding planning she's in for a shock.Lack of math skills aside, this really speaks to her lack of maturity and a possibly competitive nature.  One of my best friends had a very elaborate and classy wedding but she never makes me feel bad that my fi and I are planning a small destination wedding.

Britton&Jim

Maybe I am misunderstanding, but I was under the impression that this friend was at your wedding, since you said "best friends" were included.  If she was at the wedding, then her unkind comments can't stem from feeling slighted that she wasn't invited to your intimate wedding.  And her comments seem centered on the idea of excluding family members, not friends.  Could you clarify this point, please?Since you say this behavior is completely uncharacteristic of her, it sounds to me like her getting engaged was the catalyst for it.  The comments that she is making almost sound to me like she is resentful of having to invite all these family members - i.e., "not allowed in my family," "have to invite all of them," etc.  I mean, yes, she sounds like she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that "have to invite them" talk suggests to me that perhaps she also feels like she doesn't have a choice about inviting all of the family members or not.  So, my amateur psych skills suggest to me that she is making these cruel comments to you because she is jealous that you had an intimate wedding without the giant family contingent and she feels she cannot do the same.  As PPs have said, I'm sure she'll be singing a different tune once she starts seeing prices and realizes that this good food filled soiree for 300-350 guess in LA of all places for $10,000 is impossible.  But that does not negate the fact that she is treating you cruelly now.  I know you say you hate confrontation, but sometimes is is necessary.  I think you need to tell her how she is hurting your feelings.  You need to stand up for yourself and tell her that it is rude and unacceptable for her to talk to you this way.  You are allowed to have an intimate wedding, and you are allowed to go on a nice honeymoon.  Frankly, how you spent your wedding budget is not one little bit of her business.  Perhaps if you address this issue with her head-on, you could get to the deeper meaning behind her comments and maybe even come to an understanding.  She has been your friend for awhile, so I assume you have had disagreements or problems in the past.  This is no different.  If she is your friend, she should not been treating you unkindly and especially not saying rude things about you and your wedding to other people.Good luck!  And good for you and your DH for not "going broke" to have a wedding.

carrieoz_76

Don't worry. She'll get hers when she tries to plan a lavish wedding with foodie food for 300-350+ in LA for $10k. That's just crazy talk. Don't be the bearer of bad news - she'll figure it out pretty quickly that she will actually have to go broke if that's what she wants. For different reasons I've had friends say stuff like, "Well, I guess we're just more family-oriented, so we'd never do ___." It's super irritating each time. You have to decide whether it's worth the possible negative consequences to confront her, or if you even want to still be friends. Your call.

Licia&Wayne

To chime in (*ding*)...It does sound like she's let the wedding crazy take her over. I think she'll probably eat her words on a few of these matters just because their guest list is so huge, they want extravagant things and don't have the kind of money I would imagine it takes to do it in the LA area.That being said, I don't think I would confront her about it unless she says something rude again. Then I would gently remind her that weddings are not contests and her words are hurtful. Everyone has their own perception of what a wedding needs and yours was beautiful the way it was and hers will be beautiful however it turns out. There's no need to backhandedly say there's a right way to get married.My fiance and I are in a similar situation as far as our wedding goes. We had an upscale-ish wedding in the works but the more we look at our bills and goals, the more we need to save money and look to the future. If anyone came at me with what your friend was saying, I would probably let her know it's not her place to judge anyone's wedding and dictate what's right and what's wrong.Then, I'd kick her in the shins. Okay, not really. But I would want to.

LarissaAnn

Ditto Retread. That said, I think she's already got bride-brain and has gone a tad crazy. I'd confront her about the friendship and comments - you should be able to do this with a good friend - but leave her alone about the planning. As others have said, she's in for a VERY rude awakening when she really starts pricing things out. We tried desperately to keep things low key (100 people, no HUGE flower arrangements, no special tropical flowers, all-inclusive venue with no $1,000 cake, $800 dress from David's Bridal, no crazy handmade invitations at $10 each)... and our wedding STILL added up to about $30,000. In NJ. At any rate, talk to her about her comments. Was she one of the select few at your wedding? If not, I see better where the comments are coming from; she's hurt. If yes, then she's just gone nutty.

Towelgrl

Yes, she was one of the few at my wedding. She probably would have been MOH, but I wanted to give that opportunity to my sister. I do appreciate all the advice, and I think I'll wait and see if one of her snarky comments pop up. If it does, I'll pull her aside and tell her it's unbecoming and feels personal. Ahh, but it does feel good to have my feelings validated. Thanks to everyone!

veronabrit

10K for that many ppl in LA? not a chance, esp if she wants great food. She must know this...she is probably really stressed and insecure and so she is taking it out on you. You can't afford to even feed that many people for 10K in LA. She is not being realistic whatsoever.

swim1011

I'm LOLing at $10k for 300-350+ people, in LA, with 'foodie food'.  You can't do that in Hershey, PA for under $15k on the food alone!  I agree with the PPs advice.

ffmaid

I would not take it as she is trying to be mean. Just that she is not thinking of how the words sound to you like a critique not a compairison. You and your DH had a loveley wedding that was right for teh two of you. She wil have her wedding and hopefully it will be right for her. Try and not think of the difference of what she is saying as aslight as she probably does not mean it as such she just has bride blinders on only seeing her own wedding and ideal. I would gently fucus her on the fact that the budget is out of relationship with reality. " oh really gormet food for 350 on 10K wow I have never heard of it being that cheap" " oh have you and fi done any looking at prices of items"

marinabreeze

$10k or even $15k with 300+ guests and nice food in LA?  HA!  That can't even be done in Cincinnati!  But let her find out for herself.I don't blame you for being irritated.  Weddings often reflect individual tastes as well as budget.  I can understand how it is to be a student and planning a wedding...I'm in the middle of that now.  My FI and I are both students in our last year or so of school.  We were originally going to have our wedding in Detroit because I'm from there originally and my family is larger than his.  But as we started looking at venues and considering our small budget and growing guest list (moving towards 200 with my mom and uncle's input), I started to realize that #1 I am a casual person with anxiety and I don't like big, formal gatherings; #2 I was too worried about other people's expectations and not my own and FI's, and; #3 big weddings are expensive. So after FI and I backtracked and talked, we have decided to have a more intimate, less formal ceremony/reception on FFIL's farm not too far from Cincinnati.  It's much more in line with what both of us want for our wedding, the location is scenic, it has special meaning to FI, and the cost will be cut down considerably.  Like you guys, we'll even be able to afford a nice honeymoon.I say all this because what you and your husband did was totally fine.  It was in your budget, and it was what you guys chose to do.  Your so-called BF needs to get over herself.  She's going to see just how hard it is to plan the kind of wedding she judges as "proper."  If she says anything else, just let her know that you did things your way because it was your wedding, she's entitled to do her wedding her way, but it is unnecessary to criticize your wedding to do it.  It's not a contest.  If she doesn't get that, you might want to seriously reconsider "best friend" status.

dianenjnj

no way are you overreacting!  you need to talk straight to this girl before the friendship is totally destroyed by her insensitivity.yes, definitely confront her...let her know that if she continues with her passive/agressive remarks about your wedding that you will not be able to continue the friendship.  

Sarah_1986

10K for 350 ppl can't even be done in Augusta MAINE!!!!