Just Kicked Out a BM..vent (sort of), and kind of long

gone_awry

Also, do you think your wedding is the only thing she has to worry about? You made mention that she has money to go out which makes me think you value her participation in your wedding being as important to her as her own life? Once again, the self importance is astonishing. I'm sure this girl has more important things going on in her life than sitting around and thinking about how she can be a better BM for you - one of them being finding a job.I'm nearly speechless... This is just, wow. I really think you should take a step back and reevaluate this situation. You will lose more than one friend over this.

EastCoastBride

Everything I would want to say has been said. In summary, you are wrong on this. 100% wrong.

bablingbrooke

Retread's advice is excellent and you should do everything she says.

tinydancer842

Agreed w/PP -- not to mention White House Black Market ALWAYS has sales I've found dresses marked down to $30 so I don't think her getting whatever discount they are giving now will prevent her from getting one in the future. Also, if she's unemployed she probably feels bad enough this is only going to make it worse...

broccolitree

I'd be curious to know what would happen if one of your BMs gets PG sometime between now and next March or so?  Are they totally biz-anned foreverz because they toootally got chubsterz and now they can't fit into the several hundred dollar dresses you DEMANDED they buy 10 months in advance (on pain of banishment from the bridal party, OH NOOOES).You are being patently, grade-A ridiculous.

jenni2349

I feel like if she was a true friend she would do whatever it takes to be there for me. Are YOU being a true friend right now?

carrieoz_76

I would be grateful to be out of your WP, too, if it meant I didn't have to deal with last-minute demands to drop a couple hundred bucks on a dress that I won't need for 9 more months, while I'm unemployed, and the attendant guilt trip when I say that I can't do it. She may be a flake, and you may be the good guy, but not in these circumstances. Being a BM isn't like a friend gauntlet that you put people through. Please treat her like a friend, and don't treat your WP like it's a prize.

ffmaid

Wow! So you think that an out of work friend shoudl put a dress she will only ever wear for your wedding above fiscal priorities like making rent and paying bills. Well you actually did her a favor. You let her know that her friendship and she meant less to you then this last minute dress. Aren;t you a peach. I hope the rest of your WP drops out when they realize that pagentry matters more to you then yoru friends.

ashleychow

Hi there, I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. I think planning your wedding and the fact that the date is coming close are stressful enough as it is and the last thing you need is something out of the ordinary. It's definitely a difficult situation. I understand that you always want to give someone the benefit of the doubt and, although she has a bit of an unreliable pattern, it was nice of you to still include her and still expect the best from her. It's disappointing that she was unable to afford the dress. I do think that she had a lot of preparation time to put away $20 a month for her dress or whatever the cost may be, but it's hard to say what her financial prioritiesand obligations are before I pass judgement. One of my bridesmaids made a stink about paying $70 for makeup when she can pay $60 at MAC, yet she literally shops at tiffany's every weekend. It's said that for one day or really for cumulatively two weeks people can't make you a priority, but we ourselves have similar flaws. Perhaps an option is to take her aside and tell her that in lieu of a thank you present you'll pay for her dress? It all depends on what you can afford. At the end of the day it's not about what she can pay for, it's about having the girls that you love standing beside you on your day. I hope that helps and I hope it works out for you.

mbcdefg

One of my bridesmaids made a stink about paying $70 for makeup when she can pay $60 at MAC, yet she literally shops at tiffany's every weekend. It's said that for one day or really for cumulatively two weeks people can't make you a priority, but we ourselves have similar flaws. But if you're telling her to get her makeup done, then you're supposed to pay for it. Perhaps this is what's making her mad. Plus, the makeup is for YOUR wedding. The stuff she shops at Tiffany's for is for HER. I would be pissed, too, if someone demanded that I get makeup done for her wedding and then didn't offer to pay for it. Because I'd be doing YOU the favor and I am still the one who needs to be out the cash for it.

banana468

Ashley, I think you need to read in closer detail.  The OP's wedding is almost a year away.  A BM could get pregnant and have a baby in the amount of time left.Furthermore, it's completely inappropriate to require that your BMs PAY to get their makeup done.  At $70, I'd be upset as well.  After I drop $100 at Tiffany, the earrings I wear day after day.  Ideally the makeup comes off at the end of the day.  That's not even close to a fair comparison.

tidetravel

Unfortunately, if/when OP comes back, it will be Ashley's 1 comment that she embraces - I expect Ashley will get a big ole' thank you before calling us all meanies and DDs the post.

aerinpegadrak

Methinks Ashley needs to read more closely.  Also, shopping =/= buying.  I like to hit up estate jewelry shops where the merchandise is mostly upwards of $10k.  Never once bought anything, just like to ogle the shiny and occasionally try things on.And I would raise holy hell if a bride told me I had to spend $70 of my own money to get my makeup done.  Talk about a frivolous expense.Attention brides: It's none of your business how your friends spend their money.  Stop thinking it is.

Licia&Wayne

Attention brides: It's none of your business how your friends spend their money. Stop thinking it is.Yesss, I'm so glad you said this. Completely and utterly, ditto.

aerinpegadrak

Thank you, sunkiss, for that long, rambling, poorly formatted, and completely irrelevant information.  Round of applause!

duckie1905

Wow, just wow.  It amazes me every single time that there are such rude, thoughtless, and just plain mean people out there.

tidetravel

If the friend was nice about it and not sad, I bet she was happy for the excuse tooOr the friend just had class, unlike OP.  Doesn't mean that her feelings weren't hurt.

banana468

Since things changed for FI and his family, the invite list changed. No insult to her. I think you're really off-base here.Unless the invitation list is so drastic that the BM is and GM are no longer even invited to the wedding then asking them to step down or telling the BM that she's out is not OK at all.  It's still a personal slight and it's still rude to the person.  She may be your cousin forever but my guess is that the action of removing her from the WP has still done damage that may not be able to reversed.The other aspect with the OP is that the dress purchase may be known but announcing the timing of it was very sudden.   The actions are really not defensible.

mbcdefg

Sunkiss, what would happen if your sides WERE uneven? What possible harm would come of that?

bablingbrooke

We had uneven sides. My usually-anal-about-this-sort-of-thing DH and MIL went along with it, although MIL protested. No one noticed or cared the day of. Same with you. This is one of those things brides get so fixated on but if you were to step back for a second you'd realize it means absolutely nothing whether or not the sides were even.

tidetravel

 either get her FI to adjust his wedding party or she would have to find someone to add to hers::facepalm::  You're not getting it.No No No No NO.  You don't ask FI to DROP one of his "people" because one of your "people" drops out.  NOR do you ADD someone to your side to make the WP "even."  In 20 years, when you look back at your wedding pics, I would hope that you see all of the people that you love and care about standing next to you - you shouldn't be taking a headcount.

duckie1905

You guys don't understand.  If the sides were uneven their marriage would've been a failure and the world would've exploded.

marinabreeze

As far as the OP is concerned, I can sort of see where you're coming from.  I have a few good friends that happen to be flaky, and I think it's hard planning stuff with people that can be iffy.That said, you knew she was flaky when you asked her to be in the WP, and she's not all of a sudden going to change because of one day.  If reliability was that important to you, then you should not have asked her to be in the WP in the first place.  A wedding is not the place to have someone try to "prove" themselves.Also, the point of having bridesmaids is to have the people who are most important to you stand up for you when you marry.  Not being able to pay for a dress with 2-3 day notice because she's unemployed is not the same as not showing up (or showing up out-of-costume) for the ceremony.  Ten months is kind of early anyway to buy BM dresses.  Like other posters have said, people can get pregnant and start showing, or people can gain or lose significant weight in that span of time. Besides, who's to say she didn't have the money saved originally, but had to spend it after some time being unemployed?I also know from experience that just because you live at home doesn't mean you have a ton of money.  A couple of years ago, I moved back home for a year.  I wasn't unemployed, but I was majorly underemployed - my income was spent mostly on gas to and from work.  In that year's span. among helping with household expenses, paying off bills, etc., I went through my entire savings in that one year.  I could afford going out sometimes with friends, and plunking down the occasional $10 bucks on beer/wine, but if I were asked to spend hundreds of bucks with two days advance notice, it just wouldn't happen.  Fortunately, I'm living by myself again and rebuilding my savings.  In any case, you don't know her circumstances fully (and for a lot of people, unemployment is a source of shame/embarrassment) so you really can't judge her.As far as what to do, I'm with RetreadBride, and don't have any more to add.

banana468

Sunkiss, I did misunderstand.However, it's never OK to subtract for the sake of even sides.  If you have even sides then great.  To add or subtract to have them is not OK.

chamrads

So, I don't think the OP is even going to come back to this topic...but i couldn't help but to post. Whatever happened to "when you love someone you love them for their imperfections and all"??  I love my friends to death.  Do they do things that frustrate me?  Yes.  Do we disagree sometimes?  Yes.  Have there been times in my wedding planning that I wanted them to be more excited or interested than they were?  Sure, ok...I can admit it, but they aren't doing anything wrong, I am just uber excited.  You have to remind yourself that while this wedding takes over your life, it doesn't and shouldn't take over hers!Basically, my point...if she was your friend, and if you truely cared about her, all the "flakiness" in the world, all the "wrong" dresses, all the late arrivals, could not prevent you from having her stand beside you on this special day.  The girlfriends I have chosen are chosen for a reason.  So unless you asked her to be a part of this wedding just because you thought you should (which is a wrong reason to ask someone), then near nothing she could have done would have moved you to kick her out.  I think you should re-evaluate your friendships and decide exactly what is most important to you.  Evidently, you and your WANTS (because they are wants, not needs) are more important that your friendship in this case.

dsouldiva

Just because she knew about your wedding 9 months ago doesn't mean that she should have been saving from that point, I'm sure she wasn't expecting to not have a job, perhaps she's had to dip into her savings just to pay bills.I don't think you should be angry at her for not having the money to pay for a dress she's only buying for you.  She probably left it to the last mnute because she was trying to work out a way to make it work.A good friend would have either found a more affordable dress or bought it for her.  I think kicking her out is a pretty horrible thing to do. If I were you I would be apologising BIG time and buying her dress as way of an apology.

ET4TJOD

I completely sympathize with you. This situation is a combination of what led to two girls in my BP becoming former members of my bridal party. When you agree to be in a wedding, you agree to the fact that it costs money. You either decline to participate immediately or you save your money and roll with what the bride would like you to do.  It is YOUR wedding and people tend to forget that because that's the way people are. You provided ample notice as to when you were going to do the dress shopping(which meant she should have begun to save or made other financial arrangements) and it's not like you were going to a high end designer bridal shop that was extrememly expensive. Your friend was a flake and inconsiderate. It is an HONOR to be included in someone's wedding and you do not bring your baggage to the event. Obviously your other BP members had no problem so what does that tell you?? I had to take a long time friend and my future sister in law out of my wedding because, frankly, I don't need the drama their selfish behavior would cause when I am trying to plan this type of event. Weddings are stressful enough without people--who are supposed to help make your day run smoothly--disrupt everything. I feel bad just like you, but, I am also relieved at the same time. I'll get over it and so will you.

banana468

ET, I fear you may have missed the point as well.When you agree to be a BM, you agree that you're buying a dress.  That doesn't mean that you agree to the whims of a bride or to buy the dress on short notice.Furthermore, I find it hard to believe that there are no hard feelings after you removed your future family from the wedding party.  Once you have a wedding party, and guests, the day stops being all about what you want.

bablingbrooke

ET and OP, do you not realize that just because people aren't saying things to your face doesn't mean they don't think it? Do you think being a bride gives you a license to be a bad friend? You've both behaved abhorrently, treated your friends and family like garbage, and gone totally off the deep end because some guy bought you a diamond ring. Step back from the brink.

bablingbrooke

Even my car insurance company gives me 5 days' notice before they withdraw my monthly payment, and it's a lot less than $200.