MIL trying to choose party (long)

isnatural4me

So, after knowing who was in the wedding party and hearing from my FI that he did not want to choose amongst friends to create our small party of 6...my future MIL lectured on the importance of representation of both families. Now, FI wants to renig on our agreement and add 4 people from his family to the party just for the sake of equity. The history on this is as follows: we both decided on a small party, and having all of our siblings be in the wedding. he chose my two brothers b/c didnt want to pick between friends and his bro as BM. I chose my sis and MOH and two close cousins as BM's . FI has no young children in family so Flower girl and ring bearer are also cousins of mine. No malice or anything behind it. Now he wants to add 2 more BM's and GM. I planned on having two of his teenaged cousins be hostesses and other members of his family read scriptures etc. I even wanted one of the cousins as a BM, but they refused saying it was both or none. My happy medium is to add one BM and one GM from each side of his family. is this fair? should i leave it as is? let him add whomever he wants on mom's suggestion? I don't want to create problems, but i don't want to start the ball rolling on her bossing us around...this has happened b4.

mbcdefg

If your FMIL is not paying for the wedding, then she has zero say in what happens. Just tell her, "Sorry, FMIL, but we've already selected the wedding party and we want to keep it small." Then change the subject or politely end the conversation entirely. (Ideally, your FI should be the one telling her this.)If she IS contributing money to your wedding, then she's rightfully going to expect to have some say in how you arrange it. I don't agree that she gets to pick your wedding party for you, but I'm just pointing out that she deserves SOME say if she's funding it. So this is where you'd either have to find a way to compromise with her, or just refuse her money so that you can do what YOU want. Also, don't use people as pawns in all this. I get what she means by family representation, but she shouldn't decide what these people want. Even if SHE wants her family members in the wedding, maybe THEY don't want to do it. So instead of just assuming that Cousin Julie wants to be in the wedding, you could talk to her and ask ... and if she says no, then you can tell FMIL, "Well, Cousin Julie doesn't even want to be in the wedding so we're not including her, per her own wishes" and then the point is moot. If FI wants to add people and you do not, then his family members can be on his side. Whether they're his attendants (and he can have women as groomswomen if he wants), ushers or readers. I would not suggest "hostesses" unless that is a very common and honorable position in your family - don't give people busywork just to include them. Many people would rather enjoy themselves as guests than be put to work while everyone else is relaxing and having fun.

aerinpegadrak

Also, your sides don't have to be even.  If FMIL wants those four people included in the WP, they can ALL stand up on his side.  Mixed gender WPs are quickly becoming the norm, as are uneven WPs.

zitiqueen

I don't want to create problems, but i don't want to start the ball rolling on her bossing us around...this has happened b4.So the real problem is you have a spineless FI who lets his mommy boss him around. That's not a FMIL problem. And I hope you're prepared for a lifetime of it, because you're   agreeing that you're okay with it when you say "I do."

isnatural4me

wow Ziti...that was kinda harsh and I'm not gonna agree that my FI is spineless b/c he naturally has a non-confrontational demeanor and he doesn't like to argue with anyone. His mom (and I - admittedly) are much more aggressive and confrontational. But, you are absolutely right...this isn't really about her. It's about him not being stern in communicating and in sticking to a decision. But, I am feeling like if he can't do it i can either sit back and deal with it or take matters into my own hands.

banana468

I think you definitely need to have a long talk with your FI regarding how joint decisions need to be solid between the two of you.  How you handle things now can pave the way for how you handle things as a married couple.  That said, discuss long and hard if changing the BP is worth it.  If you two agree that it is then go for it.  If not, your FI needs to learn how to be an adult and deal with his mother.  It's not easy (believe me!) but part of being a grown up means telling Mom no from time to time.   

aerinpegadrak

Ziti may have been blunt, but I was thinking the exact same thing: Your FI needs to learn to stand up to his mommy and live his own life.  Our parents had precisely zero input on our WP.

banana468

Isnatural, a pushy person will do what s/he can to get her/his way all of the time unless you (any you) learn to say no.  "No" is not a four letter word and saying no does not mean that you're confrontational.It's amazing that we worry about how to do this with parents.  When a child demands a cookie or toy or punches, we tell the child that it's not OK to do those things.  The same holds for when a parent attempts to make demands and control her/his adult child.  The adult child needs to learn how to tell that parent no.And if the result is that the parent throws a temper tantrum, one of the two adults isn't acting like one...

duckie1905

isnatural you may not want to hear it but ziti is right.  If he can't even stand united with you on a small decision like WP, what makes you think he will have your back on bigger things?

baystateapple

My FI chose one of our best friends to be a groomsman.  She is female, but is a total tomboy and would refuse to wear a dress even if I asked her to be a bridesmaid.  She is also one of FI's best friends.We got negative input from both my mother and FI's brother.  We get raised eyebrows every time it comes up.  Have we changed our minds?  Nope.  It's our wedding party, we're paying for the wedding...she stays as a GM.  And she'll be a damn good one, too.

whits900

I say stick to your guns. Absolutely no one from my side of the family is actually in the WP, but I have his two sisters as BMs and his neices as flower girls. It's just the way it worked out since there are no little girls in my family - and honestly I couldn't be happier with it. I don't feel like my family isn't "represented" well enough and I'm not going to go searching around for distant relatives just so things are "even". The only representation that matters from each side of the family are the bride and groom.