Am I right to feel weird about this?

megk8oz

So as of right now, to the best of my knowledge, I'm not having a bridal shower. And I'm pretty sure if I WAS having one, I probably would have gotten wind of it at this point (My sisters both suck at keeping secrets ... family curse, lol). Honestly, the people that would be doing this for me aren't in the best of financial situations, and I didn't register for gifts. FI and I also did not have an e-party, so really no bridal shower = no real big deal. Anyway, apparently, now's about the time where if I guess I was having one, it would be coming up soon, as the past couple of days FI has been getting emails and texts from the women HIS family asking for shower details (Since, "We really should have heard SOMETHING by now"). He usually just responds "I'm not really sure, I'll ask Meg". Then after I give him the same answer to relay every single time (Which is "To the best of my knowledge, there isn't going to be a shower" ... what else would I say to that?), they get annoyed with him for being "such a guy" and "totally clueless", they wind up texting and emailing ME for the information. Then of course when I give them the same answer: "To the best of my knowledge, there isn't going to be a shower", they kinda get all weird on me like "What? No shower?!?!?! That can't be right!", and pretty much treat it like I'm not allowed to get married without a shower. And honestly, awkwardness about being ASKED about my own shower's details aside, their reactions are really just making me feel lousy in general, like I'm failing at being a woman because I'm without a registry and not having a shower like a "normal" person. To be perfectly honest, yes, not having a shower is a little sad, but really, I'm completely understanding of the fact that nobody owes me one, and really, the people that would be throwing me one just don't have money to spend on a party for me to get gifts that I didn't bother registering for. And I do know that the success of my marriage is not based on if I have pre-wedding parties or not . I can't really stop them from asking me about it, people are going to do what they're going to do, but I just want to make sure that me feeling uncomfortable about this is "normal" and that I'm not just being "weird" about things.

Leah&Christian09

I would feel weird if people were behaving like that. It's not your fault that no one is in a position to throw you a shower. It sounds like they are acting like it's some failure on your part. That's just wrong. You need a snappy come back for them. I'm too tired to think of something clever.

ffmaid

Change your answer "To the best of my knowledge no shower is being planned for me but if you would like to plan one that woudl be lovely"

ffmaid

Also it seems liek you are being perfectly reasonable here.

mbcdefg

It's really an awkward position to put you in - not only beacuse you genuinely don't know if/when there will be a shower, but because you're being asked to talk about a possible party for yourself. And that's awkward in itself. If they're saying those things because they genuinely want you to have one, then maybe your FI ought to say, "Here's her sisters'/BMs' numbers ... if you want to coordinate something with them, or just get an O.K. on throwing her a shower instead of them, maybe you should get in touch with them and ask."If they're just saying it to be judgemental, you could always say something like, "I was brought up to believe that it's really rude for a possible guest of honor to talk about parties for herself. So even if I DID know something about a shower, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about it. I hope you understand." Then change the subject or end the call.

peachkins

I would be a little put off if people were saying that kind of stuff to me.  If they care that much about whether you have a shower they should start planning one for you.  Although there's not much you can do about it, I totally understand about being a little sad about not having one.  FWIW, my shower wasn't until the end of August, and that was only two months before my wedding.  It may still happen! 

megk8oz

The other thing bugging me is getting crap about not having a registry in general. I know that its supposed to be so you get what you want for your house or whatever (Instead of picking out random blenders and toasters), but I totally suck at just saying "I want this" to people. People who "gift" me for birthdays and Christmas will tell you I'm a total pain in the @$$, because I'm very indecisive, and just bad in general at saying "this is what I want", I feel guilty "wanting" things.. So the idea of going around to one or multiple stores and coming up with a list of things and a whole bunch of people that "I want this" would probably stress me out more than any other aspect of wedding planning possibly could.Also, I went into this whole "planning" thing pretty much assuming there was not going to be a shower. I'm not sure how it works everywhere else, but in my area, its pretty much "Shower=boxed gifts, reception=envelopes". Since I was under the impression (And still am under the impression) that there is no shower, it just seemed silly to put myself through the aggravation of a registry.

peachkins

I hear you about the registry thing.  We did end up with a registry, but before we did it all we heard about was when were we going to take care of it.  I don't think there's anything wrong with not having one.  If you're not even sure of what you want, it would be kind of silly to register for a bunch of stuff you don't care for.  In our case it was easy because there were definitely some things we really needed.  I'm sorry your family's giving you such a hard time about everything!

stoutcrowley

This may sound off the wall, but are they afraid that you will have one with your family and friends and not invite them?  If they ask again, just tell them that you aren't getting married for the gifts and money is tight for everyone this year and you don't expect your friends/family to spend money on a shower. but I have to agree with pp, if they want you to have a shower so badly, then they should plan one for you.

megk8oz

In general, my FILs are really weird about certain etiquette rules: they only follow the ones they like, and the ones they don't like, they alter. Like they clearly believe in registries and showers. They also firmly believe in open bar, and that the bride's fam pays for the wedding (So a few people had a hard time stifling their horror when it came out that we're footing the entire bill). But then they DON'T believe in pretty much anything paying for anything that the groom's family is traditionally "responsible" for, and they're ok with us "living in sin". Maybe PP is right though, that they're afraid my fam/friends will throw one and completely forget about inviting all of them. Considering most of them haven't really bothered to learn anything about either of us, I could see where they might think that. But my family is very different from them, we're very open to "new" people , and have a [compared to FIs side] a very "anything goes" attitude (Like throwing my own shower is frowned upon, duh, but my mom is not going around saying FIs dad owes us a honeymoon because E. Post says so). Also, I know if there IS a shower from somebody on my side, they're going to run everything past my mom first, so I know she will make it a point to ensure that his family is invited. I will talk to FI about possibly registering, but for now, I think maybe my best bet is to maybe refer everybody with questions to my mom. Again, even if she's not throwing it (I know that's technically a "no-no"), if somebody else is planning on it, she WILL be involved somehow, and it will take some of the pressure off me since I really have no idea what's going on anyway. Thanks for the advice!

sillynut

I see nothing wrong with your mom throwing you a shower if she wanted to. My MOH was in another country up until 2 days before my shower, so my sister (who is not in the wedding party) and my mom threw me a nice shower instead.I would feel weird though as well if people kept asking. I would also alter your answer to, I know everyone in the Briday Party does not have the money to throw me a shower so Im fine with that, maybe someone in FI's family might pop up and say okay well they can't afford it, so we will do it.

amybw

That is really annoying that they are asking you about your shower!!  I would be annoyed too. I guess i would refer them to your mother if there are any more questions.  My aunts and grandmother are having a shower for me, not my BM's, but my mom is doing a lot of planning with them.  There's definitely nothing wrong with your mom being involved.  So if something is being planned, your mom will know about it, so just let everyone ask her about it and NOT you!I can also understand being a little upset about possibly not having a shower.  There's definitely nothing wrong with that.  But if you've gone to other people's showers, you sort of just think that you will have one some day.  Honestly, there might be something that is being planned for you, even if it's small, that you don't know about!

dinah999

We did not want to register with traditional stores either as we really don't need anything. We ended up doing a "honeymoon registry" where people can log in and give toward something we would like to do on our honeymoon. They offer things such as tours, activities, or just a a welcome basket in the hotel suite. Our photographer also offers a registry where people can gift any amount they wish toward more pages for our wedding album. Just some ideas!