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My Brother in Law is a jerk

What do you do when you hate your brother in law but feel compelled to include him in some way in the wedding? We already have 5 BM and GM on each side so that is out of the question and we asked him to shoot some video for us as he is really good at it but recently backed out citing that he didn't feel a part of things. He wanted to be MC but he has no personality...(we already have one anyway) Any thoughts out there? My sister (his wife) and their two kids are a part of the wedding party so he feels left out... I have not formally promised him anything - should I bother? I don't even want him to be an usher...

Re: My Brother in Law is a jerk

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    Can he do a reading? Maybe he could escourt your Mother down the asile. I'm curious though, what has he done to be labeled a "jerk"
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    You aren't under any obligation to include him in anything. We aren't having family in our WP, just friends. But I WAS hoping for a good story about why he's a jerk.
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    "We already have 5 BM and GM on each side so that is out of the question"Yikes, you do know that even numbers on both sides are not mandatory, right? But, even if you still dont' want him in bridal party, thats your choice.Why do you feel compelled to include him? Is he asking you for something to do? Are you being pressured from other outside forces?
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    Why is it out of the question to have him as a GM? Because you feel like you need even sides? Yeah, that's stupid. I can see why he would balk at being asked to work.
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    You don't need even sides. Technically, we didn't, but my DHs BM dropped out 3 days before the wedding.Also, it's your wedding, and you don't need to have anyone participate who you didn't want in the first place. I agree with a PP that maybe he can walk your mother down the aisle.
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    What has he done to make him such a jerk that he's the only one in his family that you're excluding?
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    Asking him to WORK at your wedding is not including him... it's USING him.  Personally, I would have backed out too.  Your guests should be allowed to enjoy your wedding without being burdened to do work. You don't have to include him if you don't want to, but don't use the excuse that you CAN'T make him a GM because of a #s issue - that's crap.  You CAN have uneven sides, if you want to.  However, being a guest is an honor in and of itself and you don't need to put him in a special role to appease his hurt feelings.  (That being said, make sure you allow his wife and children to sit with him at the reception - don't make them sit up at a BP table and him alone)
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    She never said that it was because of uneven sides. I personally just wouldn't want that many people up there, And it does make sense that he feels left out if his entire family is involved. Why do you feel compelled to include him? How does your sister and your FI feel about it? that may help.
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    Hawaiian: We already have 5 BM and GM on each side so that is out of the question  
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    If you are close to him, ask him to be a groomsman (or a bride's attendant). Forget about the "we must have even sides" argument, because it's crappy to exclude someone you love just for the sake of numbers. If you're not close to him and wouldn't have wanted him in the wedding party aside from the even numbers thing (which seems like the case, if you're calling him a jerk), then it's probably best not to bother coming up with a title for him. If you want him included, though, you could ask him to do a reading or be an usher. Don't ask him to do anything that involves him doing work (guestbook attendant, punch pourer, cleanup guy, etc.). Being an invited guest is an honor in itself ... you could just get him a boutonniere since he's a family member, and make sure he's in the formal photos, and let that be it.
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    but it does not follow that the reason is for uneven sides. At my ceremony location, it is too crowded to have 6 people, no matter what side they're standing on. I'm just saying that it may not be because of unevenness. It simply may be because of crowdiness.
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    Wow, thanks for all the replies,  I know,  I shouldn't have asked him to work the wedding,  he actually offered to do it and then pulled out after a couple of months of afterthought.The reason I call him a jerk is because he has been unemployed for 5 years and living off of my sister.   Where I live we have the lowest unemployment rate in my provinces history with thousands of jobs available - he just won't go out and get work to help his family.  I call him a jerk because he won't actually talk to me about anything and sent us a cold email backing out of the video when he had seen us earlier that day and could have talked things out in person.  All I have to say is don't offer if you don't want to do it.  (he isn't that generous so he wouldn't have offered to keep me happy) The guy isn't really involved in my life (though he pretends he is) so I didn't see a problem with him doing the video.That is why it is out of the question for him to be in the wedding party - numbers don't really matter.  My fiance doesn't like him and doesn't feel he should have someone stand up for him that he doesn't have a relationship with.  Besides he has a couple of friends and the rest are his family as GM.  I have reached out to my sister in hopes that she can be the go between to smooth things over - she knows that I have a strained relationship with him and have problems with him.This is really frustrating!  I just wanted to include him as I do believe in family even though I don't like him and was trying to get him involved some how...  Unfortunately there won't be any readings so that isn't an option - I would offer usher but I feel like that would be beneath him as he wanted to be the MC.  Eek!
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    You haven't promised him anything and neither you nor your FI want him to be part of the wedding party. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't the role he would have preferred (MC) but he does have a right to decline other roles if he doesn't want to participate (taking video). Sounds like he is just going to have to get over himself and accept that he will be attending as a guest - agreed that that is an honor in itself - and not have a special title or other role. Ultimately you and your FI decide who would be asked to be in the WP and that's your business - not his. He's going to have to accept it. I do hope the seating for dinner is such that he will be able to sit with your sister & their kids, though, so he doesn't feel further excluded.
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    The reason I call him a jerk is because he has been unemployed for 5 years and living off of my sister. Where I live we have the lowest unemployment rate in my provinces history with thousands of jobs available - he just won't go out and get work to help his family.You do know you're mad at the wrong person for this, right?
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    I was thinking the same thing, Ziti. I feel bad for the the sister/BIL for having to live with such a judgemental sister/SIL.
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    I'm going to completely stay out of the family "issues" on this and just say: you don't have to give anybody a role in your BP that you don't want to. I do maintain that asking SIBLINGS to maintain the peace within the families is something that's usually worth biting the bullet on. However, this guy isn't your blood, you're not close to him, so no need to find something for him to do. But ditto to everybody that said let him sit w/ his family during the reception. Keeping your sis and her kids at the BP table w/him stuck next to a random great aunt he's never met is not exactly polite.

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    Thanks again to all for your comments.  I deserve the hit for the judgemental comment as you all don't have the full picture of what has gone on and what I have shared is only a snapshot of what is happening.  My Sister and BIL are trying to make things work for their kids,  I just get angry at him as he is full of excuses and things are just too complicated to list here.  My whole family is at their wits end with the whole situation and we are trying to support my sister through it all,  trust me, we all want better for her and my BIL gets the brunt of our frustration maybe not rightfully so.But in any case,  family is family, my BIL isn't going anywhere and does have the right to refuse to do stuff for us.  When I first started this string of discussion I was still pretty hurt about things but you have all given me an outsiders perspective which has helped alot.Not sure if he deserves it but I may put out an olive branch over thanksgiving dinner this weekend and see if he is willing to meet halfway so our wedding next year will be a happy one.
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