"Ladies in waiting" instead of bridesmaids?

cantabile730

I have asked five family members to be my bridesmaids, and I prefer not to expand the bridal party any further. My fiance and I have already designated readers, cantors and gift bearers. I am looking for a way to include my best friends in the ceremony to honor those most special to me, without having them as bridesmaids. Is there some kind of "ladies in waiting" tradition that would give these friends small responsibilities and possibly have them wear the same color, without asking them to make extra travel plans or spend money? Whatever I ask of them, I don't want it to seem like a consolation prize.

nightmare_of_beauty

I hope I don't come off as mean or snarky, but I've never heard of a "lady in waiting" tradition. If someone told me that what I was, although I would know it meant they cared and wanted to include me, it would also come off as a consolation prize. I would just explain to your friends that you love them, but you decided to have all family members in the bridal party. I don't see anyone getting mad about that.

blackfire5th

I wouldn't worry about finding them a consolation job. Just remember that being a guest at the wedding is in itself an honor.

kmmssg

I too don't want to be snarky or sarcastic, but the very first thing I thought of when I saw ladies in waiting was "the girls who didn't make the cut".  Giving them an off the wall title (to me) highlights the fact they weren't selected as BM's.  Being a guest is a very honored thing in itself.  Giving someone a made up title to make them feel included isn't so much.

kmmssg

And....giving the responsbilities and telling them what color they have to wear is just wrong.

zitiqueen

No, there is no nice way to say "Sorry you weren't good enough to be actual bridesmaids, but you all need to wear this color. Not-Good-Enough-Friend A, I'm bestowing upon you the honor of being my day-of-coordinator/unpaid slave all day. Be at my house at 7am and don't forget to bring breakfast for those who did make the cut. Not-Good-Enough-Friend B, make sure people sign our guest book. Not-Good-Enough-Friends C and D, cut our wedding cake and hand it out. Not-Good-Enough-Friend E, please man the gift table. Since there's no room at the head table for Not-Good-Enough-Friends, you all may as well sit at this table in the back by the guestbook, gift table, and cake. That'll help you perform your duties easier. You all mean so much to me. But just not as much as these other girls."

Mrs.B6302007

the title "guest" will never seem like a consolation prize - anything else will

banana468

It sounds like you have filled up what is possible.Remember, "guest" is just fine.  I wasn't in one of my BM's weddings and I was happy to be there as a guest.

bablingbrooke

"Ladies in waiting" has a certain connotation to it that I'm sure you don't want to have. Just ask them to be guests, make sure you take some photos during the reception, and leave it at that. If you try to find a job for everyone close to you, it will come off as a consolation prize.

lyndausvi

I would rather be a guest than a 'lady in waiting'.  That way I have no responsibilites and get to wear any color I want.

mbcdefg

Unless they're an actual bridesmaid, there's no polite way to have them wear a specific dress or color. There's also no polite way to hand off responsibilities or jobs to people, even if they ARE bridesmaids. (When responsibilities = work, like running errands or manning the guest book or things like that ... asking a bridesmaid to fluff your train during the ceremony or hold the bouquet during your vows is fine.)You have good intentions, but like PPs said just allow them to enjoy themselves as guests. Make sure to take a nice group photo with them at the reception, and then maybe get prints, frame them, and give them to a gift as each girl later on with a heartfelt note about your appreciation of their friendship.

megk8oz

Short answer: no.The only people you can dictate wardrobe and give "small responsibilities" to are members of the BP. And actually, the only real "responsibility" you can give the BP is to "get attire and show up wearing it".If they can't be readers or whatever, and you don't want an extra BM (Which: why? The numbers really don't matter ... and for the record: you decided too early), then really, just understand that being a guest is an honor in itself. I mean, it's not like you're inviting every single person you and FI ever met, you did invite the important people in your lives.

SarahPLiz

ditto PPs, BM is an honor, Lady in Waiting is a job, or at least sounds like one. FWIW, A friend of mine had another friend who helped her plan her wedding from far away (friend was local to wedding site), and volunteered to basically be the DOC. She had no desire to be a BM, and told the bride this. In recgnition of all her help, the bride listed her in the progam as "Bride's Personal Assistant". I don't think the friend was offended at all by that title. SHe wore her own dress that in no way coordinated with the theme, and sat as a guest at the wedding. My point is, that just because someone is your friend and helps you plan and do all the fun girly stuff that friends may want to do does not obligate you to make them a BM, or any other part of the wedding party. Friends will help because that's what friends do.

trix1223

IMO, "Ladies in Waiting" sounds silly and pretentious.  It will also come across as a "pity position", as in "You weren't important enough to me to be a BM, so I'm giving you this pity position in the hope that you won't notice that you're not a BM".Please don't do this.  Giving them little "duties" and insisting that they wear a specific color to your wedding is not an honor.  It's a 'zilla move, for sure.

morganjoan

I agree that "ladies in waiting" is probably not the correct choice of words, however I disagree with a lot of the other ladies. I recently asked a very close friend to be my personal attendant and she was thrilled. I think it probably really depends on your personality, your friends' personalities, and what type of wedding you are having. If you have a personal attendant their responsibility is mainly to help you make sure everything is running smoothly and that people (including yourself) are running on time. Not everyone uses the personal attendant to wait on them hand and foot, it's just beneficial to have someone keeping an eye on things from the outside. If they are your best friends you should be able to openly discuss any help you would like from them and how they feel about it.

[Deleted User]

This is a bad idea.

Mrs.B6302007

 If you have a personal attendant their responsibility is mainly to help you make sure everything is running smoothly and that people (including yourself) are running on time.That's what you hire a DOC for.

morganjoan

That's what you hire a DOC for.Unfortunately some brides are on a very tight budget and I am very thankful I have friends that are happy to help out. I know they will make my wedding day extra special.

Mrs.B6302007

I didn't have a DOC either but I still managed to get myself down the aisle on time without help.  It's just rude to ASK your friends/family to work at your wedding.  If they volunteer to help, great.

banana468

It's understandable that finances are limited.What isn't OK is to ask someone to be the unpaid laborer for the day and somehow make that person feel honored to do the grunt work.FWIW, I didn't have a DOC or a personal attendant - just a MOH and two BMs.  Somehow it all worked out just fine.

bablingbrooke

Had no DOC for the ceremony; reception DOC was included in the price of the venue. Being a grown woman, I was able to get dressed, get myself to the church, and get down the aisle on time. I don't even know how you go about asking someone to be a personal attendant--how awkward is that conversation?

Leah&Christian09

If you have a personal attendant their responsibility is mainly to help you make sure everything is running smoothly and that people (including yourself) are running on time.I can't believe that people are so self absorbed that they would actually think that this is an honor.  "Oh, yeah, I don't like you enough to include you as a BM, but how would you like to work for free at my wedding?"  Yeah, some honor.  OP: Don't make up some title for people.  If you don't want to have them as BMs, just have them as guests.  Making up some title just tells them that they weren't good enough for the first string, but you'd like to have them as a second string.

lyndausvi

Ummm.. I didn't have a PA and yet I seems to get to the venue on time.  I did need help getting the dress on.  But my sister and other BMs helped me on that. Come to think of it, every wedding I've been in, the BM, moms or other female family members tend to help the bride.  They are not given the title of personal assistant.  They just help out on their own.  I can't imagine asking someone to be my personal assitant.  I certainly do not see it as an honor.  Of course when my family/friends offered I took them up on it.

megk8oz

PA= bad idea.

kmmssg

I'm calling mud.  She has never come back and this is such a ridiculous idea - has to be mud.

salt78

If any one of my friends asked me to be a "lady in waiting" I'd laugh in their face and never speak to them again.