Who's decision?

cgename

 So here is my dilemma... Our bridal party consists of 6 people each. For my side I am including 4 of my close friends and my fiance's sister & sister in law. For his side he is having 3 of his close friends and his 2 brothers.
 Is it unreasonable for me to want my two brothers to be groomsman & 2 of his close friends to be Ushers instead.
 I am concerned about this because I really want my brothers to be in the wedding party because we are extremely close & I know they would like to. Is this an inappropriate request? Or is this ultimately his decision?

bablingbrooke

Yes, very unreasonable.  You don't get to dictate his side just like he doesn't get to dictate yours.  Why on earth would you think this is your call and not his?  I'm really curious.

vsgal

His decision.  If you want them to be included, make them usher or put them on your side as bridesmen.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whos-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:118fa3f7-0ae2-48e3-a1d0-3340004fbc02Post:cb062857-7f9c-4d13-8a1a-b159356d46f7">Who's decision?</a>:
[QUOTE] So here is my dilemma... Our bridal party consists of 6 people each. For my side I am including 4 of my close friends and my fiance's sister & sister in law. For his side he is having 3 of his close friends and his 2 brothers.  Is it unreasonable for me to want my two brothers to be groomsman & 2 of his close friends to be Ushers instead.  I am concerned about this because I really want my brothers to be in the wedding party because we are extremely close & I know they would like to. Is this an inappropriate request? Or is this ultimately his decision?
Posted by cgename[/QUOTE]

kathrynhabibti

You are being unreasonable. This is his decision. Just because you picked his sister and SIL for you doesn't mean he has to put your family on his side. Can you make them ushers or put them on your side instead?

banana468

I can understand the desire to want to include your brothers but the GM are your FI's decision.  So what about having them be ushers?

stina93446

His side is not your decision. If you really want them up there, have them be bridesmen. Nothing wrong with that. OR have your brothers be the ushers. 

loop0406

It's his decision

emilyinchile

Ditto everyone else, and my vote goes toward adding your brothers on your side - what better way to show them just how close you feel than to add them as your attendants?

Also, just as an FYI, it's "whose". "Who's" means that you're asking us who "decision" is.

AutumnFair

His side so his choice, just like your side is your choice. Have your brothers on your side, if your FI is not a fan of mix gender then too bad, relate back to the first sentence as to why. 

mbcdefg

It's fine to say that you would like your brothers included (ideally as groomsmen), but it is absolutly not O.K. to tell him that he ought to bump two friends down to ushers to make that happen.

If he agrees to make them groomsmen, he can have as many groomsmen as he wants. You aren't limited to a certain number of slots.

If he says he'd rather not have them as groomsmen, then ask them to be ushers or readers, or ask them to stand on your side as your own attendants alongside the bridesmaids (bridesmen, bride's attendants, honor attendants, whatever you want to call them). You don't have the right to demand that they be his groomsmen, but your FI also does not have the right to say that they can't be your bridal attendants.

lalap69

Have your brothers stand up on your side.

aerinpegadrak

Ditto the other fine ladies.  Though DH was reluctantly willing to have my brother on his side, ultimately he stood on mine.

filaw

I'm just guessing here, but maybe what's making it feel like it's unfair is that you're including his family on your side?  Is that because you *want* to, or because you feel like you *have* to.

It might be too late, I'm not sure if you've asked people yet, but I'd say take a couple days and really give yourself the chance to consider mixed gender WP.  It may seem shocking and like a crazy idea at first, but it's being done more and more often.  And the great part of it is you don't have to feel like you're picking people "for" him just because they're your gender, and then feeling gilted that the people you want to include, you don't get to.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whos-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:118fa3f7-0ae2-48e3-a1d0-3340004fbc02Post:18dc2ff2-225f-4c18-8302-2f745ea955a8">Re: Who's decision?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have your brothers stand up on your side.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

This! It is becoming more and more popular, esp around here. You choose your people, he chooses his. Although for our wedding, I did have H's sister as a BM and she stood on my side. But it worked out fine bc he only has one sister, so it wasn't a big deal. I guess we wanted to keep it traditional with girls on my side and guys on his side.

afloggie

I think its unreasonable. Would you like it if he picked your bridesmaids? He picked his groomsmen for a reason, if you want your brothers to be a part of the wedding they could  be ushers or do a reading or make a special toast at the reception.

SeptemberFall2011

I disagree with the majority.  I think you should tell your fiance you would like your brothers to be groomsmen as you are including his sisters.  If he doesnt want to listen or compromise Id ask the sisters to step down for your brothers,  Ofc you are talking to a bride who had her fiance's input on her line up and he had my input on his line up. 

egmdh2010

I'm going to have to disagree with most people here, because I don't think you are being unreasonable.  I asked my fiance (now husband) to include my brother as one of his groomsmen...and he did it gladly because he knew how important it was to me.  I, in return, asked him whether there was anyone he really wanted me to include (he has no sisters)...and I ended up asking his niece to be one of my flower girls.  It's not about "his side" or "your side."  You're a team now.  Make the decision together.

CSTK1910

I think it is ok to ask him if he wants to add your brothers. Of course, I also think it is ok for him to say no. It is really up to him.

I do NOT think it is ok to ask him to replace his friends, just to add your brothers to them.

I also agree mixed gender or uneven bridal parties are perfectly fine.

marissa_claire

Yeah I'm going to disagree with the majority as well.  We went through exactly this when deciding... basically his sister told his mom that she really wanted to be a BM (inappropriate anyways, I know) and I wasn't about to burn her so that was decided.... so then I told him I expected him to include my older brother in his party because they are buddies and my older brother has a lot of respect for my FI.  My younger brother is an usher and two more of FI's friends are ushers as well.  I don't know that you  need to ask the extra two friends to step down and be ushers, maybe just have uneven sides if you're cool with it.  

I'm surprised so many people thought it's totally his decision when lots of girls come on here asking whether or not they should ask FSIL to be BM and we usually say, it's your call but recommend against it if it will burn bridges.  I mean in my situation, aside from FSIL wanting to be a BM, I was already asking my brother's wife because she's one of my best friends, so how would that look if I asked one SIL but not the FSIL?  I totally understand where you're coming from and I don't think it's that unreasonable.  You both have your friends and all, but family is important too and that's what makes these decisions a challenge - not a black and white matter.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whos-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:118fa3f7-0ae2-48e3-a1d0-3340004fbc02Post:102cb51a-689b-4e16-96cf-2c02914dbaad">Re: Who's decision?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I'm going to disagree with the majority as well.  We went through exactly this when deciding... basically his sister told his mom that she really wanted to be a BM (inappropriate anyways, I know) and I wasn't about to burn her so that was decided.... so then I told him I expected him to include my older brother in his party because they are buddies and my older brother has a lot of respect for my FI.  My younger brother is an usher and two more of FI's friends are ushers as well.  I don't know that you  need to ask the extra two friends to step down and be ushers, maybe just have uneven sides if you're cool with it.   I<strong>'m surprised so many people thought it's totally his decision when lots of girls come on here asking whether or not they should ask FSIL to be BM and we usually say, it's your call but recommend against it if it will burn bridges.  </strong>I mean in my situation, aside from FSIL wanting to be a BM, I was already asking my brother's wife because she's one of my best friends, so how would that look if I asked one SIL but not the FSIL?  I totally understand where you're coming from and I don't think it's that unreasonable.  You both have your friends and all, but family is important too and that's what makes these decisions a challenge - not a black and white matter.
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]
The difference is that in those cases, the bride is making the choice.  It's not being made for her by the groom.  Similarly, brides are told that their attendants have no duties outside the ceremony, but if a BM or MOH comes asking what she should be doing, she'll usually be pointed to the standard list.  It's one thing to force someone into something, it's another to choose it of your own free will.

Ultimately, you weighed the input and the repercussions and made the decision for yourself, so it's not really the same situation.  If your FI asked her to stand on your side without consulting you first, or insisted to you that she had to be up there regardless of how you felt on the subject, it would be a litle closer to OP.

oceansaboveme

One of the things I'm learning is that the wedding planning process can magnify any tensions that already exist in a relationship and being afraid to ask him might be a part of that.   I'm kind of against the grain here too.  If it's important to you to have your brothers in the WP, then it's reasonable to have an open discssion with your future husband about that.  All of the suggestions about mixed WPs, uneven numbers of groomsmen, etc. are great, but what really matters is that the two of you find a solution that works for both of you and that you get there together.  If not, one of you may end up with hurt feelings and that's no way to start your marriage. 

marissa_claire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whos-decision?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:118fa3f7-0ae2-48e3-a1d0-3340004fbc02Post:66f3edb1-1674-41eb-bc66-67b04b2ad765">Re: Who's decision?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who's decision? : The difference is that in those cases, the bride is making the choice.  It's not being made for her by the groom.  Similarly, brides are told that their attendants have no duties outside the ceremony, but if a BM or MOH comes asking what she should be doing, she'll usually be pointed to the standard list.  It's one thing to force someone into something, it's another to choose it of your own free will. Ultimately, you weighed the input and the repercussions and made the decision for yourself, so it's not really the same situation.  <strong>If your FI asked her to stand on your side without consulting you first, or insisted to you that she had to be up there regardless of how you felt on the subject, it would be a litle closer to OP.</strong>
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think this is what she is wanting to do - it sounds like she wants to bring it up to her FI.

<div>I understand that my situation was different but I was trying to just point out that these are difficult situations to make and that there is no steadfast rule here.... ultimately I think they should decide together.  On the boards, we put so much emphasis on deciding and planning every aspect of the wedding together as a couple, so I don't think it should be problematic to plan the bridal party together.  That includes figuring out who goes where.  Like I said, they don't necessarily have to demote the two groomsmen he's already picked (it sounds like they have yet to ask their BP) but I do think it's something that should be decided together.  I mean what if you went right out and asked your best friend to be in your bridal party even though your FI's not okay with her for some reason?  I mean, my FI wanted to ask a friend who had hit on my numerous times in the past and if we hadn't decided the BP together that guy (who makes me uncomfortable) would be a groomsmen.  Regardless of the other two in the party, I do think she should bring up to her FI that she would like her brothers to be in the party as groomsmen... regardless of the outcome.</div></div>

aerinpegadrak

But see, I think this is the one part of the wedding where you really don't have to act jointly as a couple.  You have the bride's maids and the groom's men.  Each person chooses the people they most want up there with them.  We pretty much chose our wedding parties without input from each other (I did give him my blessing to ask a female friend to stand on his side, but he probably wouldn't have married me had I been the type to object), and I would have felt awful if I had told him basically that one of his closest friends wasn't good enough for me.  Or that my brother (whom he hardly knows) should take precedence over his very closest friends. 

JenJen06182011

It's his decision. You can ask him to have your brothers be groomsmen,but it is really up to him. I know my FI and I have had this discussion cause I am really close with my bothers,but we discussed it and decided that they will just be ushers. Because my FI has 5 really close friends and he didn't feel like he could ask two of them to be ushers and then the other three plus my bothers be groomsmen. It really would be unfair to the two friends being ushers.

nicole1125

I can totally understand where you are coming from, I am very close to my brother and I deff wanted him to be in the WP, lucky my FI asked him on his own, have you talk to your FI about it? Maybe you should just mention something about how it is important to you to have your brother be involved. He might just not even realize, or you can do like some ladies here said and have them on your side it is more common now. Also dont worry about having "even sides" it looks fine if you dont my FI has 6 and I have 5, so one girl will walk down with 2 guys o well it will be fine... GL let us know what happenes...

nicole1125

PS I wouldnt ask 2 of his men to "stepdown" to usher tho keep them all as GM asking someone to "stepdown"  so to speak is not nice.....

ciaraman

I think if it's that important to you, your FI should understand that and be willing to have them as GMs.  That being said, i don't think he should kick any of his friends out to accomodate your brothers.

It was important to my FI that his sisters be part of the WP.  Neither of us like mixed-gender sides, and his sisters are great girls. I was happy to ask them to be BMs. 

HKD817

He gets to choose his side. Bottom line.

KaylaSue19

I don't think its unreasonable. If he has already asked his GM's however, it would be unnacceptable to ask them to step down. If you have not formally asked your BP to be your BP I would talk with FI. It is his choice at the end of the day, but it doesn't hurt to ask him how he would feel about it. My big brother and H are not really friends or anything but he didn't even flinch when I asked him to have my brother stand up for him among his 3 closest friends. My bro's wife was on my side. I have nothing against uneven sides or mixed gender parties, I just personally wouldn't do it. If I was in your shoes and the GM's have already been asked I would have my brothers be ushers. I would also have both of them escort my mom down the aisle.

surf&turfcouple

I think that we, the Knoties, are missing information and should therefore try to sound less judgmental.

That being said, I reckon the decision is your fiances to make, as to whom he would like to be his groomsmen.  But!  If you are doing the planning entirely and he has basically just nodded and said "Whoever you pick is fine," then you can ADD your brothers as groomsmen.  I don't think it's cool to nix you FH's buddies in favor of your bro's, but I do think adding is okay.

If you don't want uneven or mixed gender WP's then you and your fiance should really sit down and discuss who you really want in the WP, especially if you haven't asked people yet!  If he's a "you pick for me" kind of guy, tell him you'd really appreciate his having your bro's in his party.  If he wants to choose for himself, then that's his decision and you should respect that.  Honestly, I don't see why, if discussed reasonably, he would not add your brothers to his side.  After all, you're all going to be family soon enough, right?!

I think it would be adorable though, if you added your brothers to your attendants!  Also, are you close with his sisters?  Or are you having them as attendants because you feel it's polite?  If the latter, it's unnecessary and to be blunt, it's dishonest.  Having people in your WP is an honor that I think, should be reserved for very close family/friends.  I'm not having any family members in my wedding party; if that causes issues, oh well.  My choice.  You can choose to do the same with your FH's sisters... or not.  And he can choose to his groomsmen, too.

Bottom line, communicate with your man!  You're marrying him, not us

Good luck!