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A bad brother? Help!

So...We've been engaged for a year and a half...we chose our wedding party close to a year ago. My Fiance has 2 brothers, and a VERY small family, so it means a TON to him to have them stand up for us at the wedding. It's now 6 weeks before the wedding, and his 1 brother is bailing on being in the wedding party because he "can't afford" an $80 tux (yes, a VERY CHEAP tux). I offered to pay for half, and he still says he can't swing it. Really? $40?

My problem is, that my Fiance doesn't want us to pay for the brother's tux, but at the same time, he has started to think he's a bad person because his brother won't even do this 1 thing for him on the most important day of his life. It's breaking my heart how let down my Fiance is.

What should I do here? Should I pay for the brother's tux on the DL? I realize his brother would be absolutely taking advantage of our finances, and he is pretty much a piece of sh*t, but if it means that much to my groom is it worth it?

Re: A bad brother? Help!

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    If ya'll want him in the wedding party, then pay for his tux.  $40 might not be much to you, but it can mean weeks of groceries for someone else.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17040df1-288c-487e-a50b-4487b692486bPost:34f60905-43e3-494c-85ad-00e8371db5c2">A bad brother? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So...We've been engaged for a year and a half...we chose our wedding party close to a year ago. My Fiance has 2 brothers, and a VERY small family, so it means a TON to him to have them stand up for us at the wedding. It's now 6 weeks before the wedding, and his 1 brother is bailing on being in the wedding party because he "can't afford" an $80 tux (yes, a VERY CHEAP tux). I offered to pay for half, and he still says he can't swing it. Really? $40? My problem is, that my Fiance doesn't want us to pay for the brother's tux, but at the same time, he has started to think he's a bad person because his brother won't even do this 1 thing for him on the most important day of his life. It's breaking my heart how let down my Fiance is. What should I do here? Should I pay for the brother's tux on the DL? I realize his brother would be absolutely taking advantage of our finances, and he is pretty much a piece of sh*t, but if it means that much to my groom is it worth it?
    Posted by mana2468[/QUOTE]

    <div>If it means so much to your FI, pay for the tux.  I don't know if I would keep it from your FI though.  It sounds like he's already pissed that you offered to pay for half.  Just tell him that it's important that he have both his brothers up there and if $80 is keeping him from being up there then it's worth paying it for his happiness.</div>
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    I know you're not "supposed" to give WP gifts that are to be used in the wedding but maybe this would be a good place for an exception. Just an idea. How much does the brother really want to be in the WP?
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    That's the thing...I don't think the brother cares either way. He's younger (23 or 24) and a "free spirit" living by the seat of his pants. He's a "rocker," so all he really cares about is his music. It's my fiance who really wants him in the wedding and is feeling let down over it...but the brother doesn't seem to care if he lets him down or not.
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    DH paid for the best man's tux.  I don't think he ever even really offered or gave him a choice in the matter, he just told him that it was taken care of.  We also offered to pay for his oldest brother, but he insisted that he didn't need the help, and then ended up not coming to the wedding at all because he couldn't afford it.  Oldest brother is kind of a douche.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    There have been times where DH wouldn't have been able to afford an $80 tux.  Even if it looks like your FBIL has money, he might be dead broke.

    Your FI can offer to cover the other $40 of the tux rental.  Or if FBIL has a black suit or can borrow one from a friend, have him wear that.  I was in a wedding where the guys rented tuxes, but one wore his own black suit.  The only reason I knew is because he was talking to some of the WP members about how much mileage he'd gotten out of that suit.
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    We're having an issue with my FI's brother too... that's why my FI is waiting until the last moment possible to ask him to be in party. Not sure who's going to pay for his attire either, but my view on it is if he can't afford to be a part of the wedding, then he should have been honest and upfront about that before accepting the position. Sounds to me that your wedding isn't important to him. If your FI is really upset about this and really wants him to be in it, then maybe talk to his parents or other brother about it- maybe they'll help pitch in for him. But, even if it's the brother, I don't know if the other members of the party would feel that it's fair if they find out you footed the bill for his rental and not anyone else's. You're already paying for enough!
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    Exactly my worry - because i've got three of my own brothers in the wedding, and the heck if I'm paying for THEIR tuxes! lol.

    I'm hesitant to ask his mom because she is disabled and doesn't have a ton of money either, but managed to foot his brother's airline ticket bill on her own.

    So essentially, he's getting the trip into town for free, will probably be staying with us for a week for free, will be eating and drinking for free both at the groom's dinner and the day of the wedding. I feel like he's already been given a ton and is taking advantage of our generosity...but they come from a deep rooted italian family, so family means alot to my fiance - which is why he's so bummed his brother isn't looking at it the same way.
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    edited July 2010
    Let fi decide whether or not he wants to offer to pay for the rental. Don't do it behind his back, because this is between fi and his brother. No one else, including you or the mom, should be involved in this decision. If fbil says he can't afford the $40, you have to take his word for it. If fi pays, then let him do it privately. There is no need to tell anyone else about it.

    If fi offers and brother still declines, just accept it graciously. Maybe he doesn't like being in the spotlight and is just more comfortable as a guest.
                       
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    FI had paid for the BMs Tux, sisters plane ticket, sisters Busch Garden Ticket....We are having 10 people stay in our 2 bedroom, 1 bath house, or a week, they can't afford a hotel.  It's important to us that these people are included, more important than the money. 
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    What you should do here is let your FI decide how he wants to handle his brother's tux issue. If the brother has said he can't afford the remaining $40 with you guys chipping in half, then yes, take him at his word. If he's a musician who's living by the seat of his pants, as you say, he may very well be broke.


    Your FI either needs to decide he's going to accept being let down that the brother otherwise can't be in the wedding or decide he's going to pay the full $80 for the tux rental. OR as suggested above, allow the brother to borrow a black suit to wear (if possible) rather than spending money on a rental.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17040df1-288c-487e-a50b-4487b692486bPost:a56b5257-c680-4a7a-b580-5c29973aad97">Re: A bad brother? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're having an issue with my FI's brother too... that's why my FI is waiting until the last moment possible to ask him to be in party. Not sure who's going to pay for his attire either, but my view on it is if he can't afford to be a part of the wedding, then he should have been honest and upfront about that before accepting the position. Sounds to me that your wedding isn't important to him. If your FI is really upset about this and really wants him to be in it, then maybe talk to his parents or other brother about it- maybe they'll help pitch in for him. But, even if it's the brother, I don't know if the other members of the party would feel that it's fair if they find out you footed the bill for his rental and not anyone else's. You're already paying for enough!
    Posted by jenna31108[/QUOTE]
    People's financial positions can change.  One of my BMs was in a much better financial situation 10 months before the wedding when I asked her to be a BM.  When the time rolled around to buy dresses, she was in a bad situation financially.  I knew that, so I offered to pay for her dress.  It meant more to me that she be in the wedding than paying the $100 for the dress.

    None of the other BMs felt slighted by the fact that I did not buy their dress.

    Just because someone might not be able to afford the wedding attire (even if it's "only" $80) doesn't mean that they do not care about your wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17040df1-288c-487e-a50b-4487b692486bPost:713b610f-0558-4861-b06c-0f83c88ff6ab">Re: A bad brother? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A bad brother? Help! : People's financial positions can change.  One of my BMs was in a much better financial situation 10 months before the wedding when I asked her to be a BM.  When the time rolled around to buy dresses, she was in a bad situation financially.  I knew that, so I offered to pay for her dress.  It meant more to me that she be in the wedding than paying the $100 for the dress. None of the other BMs felt slighted by the fact that I did not buy their dress. Just because someone might not be able to afford the wedding attire (even if it's "only" $80) doesn't mean that they do not care about your wedding.
    Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]
    Oh, ditto this.  When I asked my MOH, her husband was making about $130K a year.  Then she got pregnant, he got laid off, and they had to move in with her parents.  I gave her the gas money to get to the wedding and talked her into letting me get her a hotel room (they'd been planning to drive in the morning of the wedding, and drive out right after the reception).

    I'll always remember this one conversation I had with a friend after turning down a dinner invitation for the hundredth time:

    Friend: Aerin, how are you always broke?
    Me: Because my rent is more than I can afford.
    Friend: Oh.

    And it was true.  I was making just above minimum wage, and even sharing a house with five other people, I had absolutely no money left over after rent and bills.  We're talking stealing crackers and Babybel cheeses off the salad bar at work because I couldn't afford $3 for lunch.  When you're in that situation, it doesn't matter how much you love someone: if there's no money, there's no money.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    To be honest, $40 IS a lot of money to me. I just don't have $40 that shouldn't go to groceries, bills or wedding stuff.

    You should pay for the tux if you have the extra money.
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    exactly pay for his tux for him, bc the brother is most likely not doing it on purpose.  maybe he just really is tight on cash right now
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    I don't buy these excuses for the brother. He is wrong. You shouldn't go behind your FI's back and pay for it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-brother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:17040df1-288c-487e-a50b-4487b692486bPost:65696381-ff91-4700-9e80-e7d99faf8873">Re: A bad brother? Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't buy these excuses for the brother. He is wrong. You shouldn't go behind your FI's back and pay for it.
    Posted by Lisa8888[/QUOTE]
    Yes, because doing things behind your partner's back is always a recipe for a healthy and functional relationship.  What a great precedent to set.  *eyeroll*
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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