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Dance only invites?

alyssantalyssant
First Comment
in Wedding Party
OK, before I start. I realize this is considered very rude, but my fiance and I are planning to invite some guests to the ceremony and dance only. We have been youth group leaders at our church for four years now, and actually have developed some close relationships with them. Understandably, a lot of the youth are very excited for us and for our wedding. My question is, is it alright to invite some of the youth to the dance only? Our thinking is they're young and will just be excited to be a part of our celebration in a small way, plus, what kid wants to sit through a formal dinner and toasts? the youth group is a big part of our day to day lives and we do spend a lot of time with them. It seems strange to cut them out completely on our big day, but we don't necessarily want to include them in the formal things. What does everyone think? would this be appropriate?
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Re: Dance only invites?

  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:1e3a308a-5dfb-40f2-9d58-ac1e516d513f">Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, before I start. I realize this is considered very rude, but my fiance and I are planning to invite some guests to the ceremony and dance only. We have been youth group leaders at our church for four years now, and actually have developed some close relationships with them. Understandably, a lot of the youth are very excited for us and for our wedding. My question is, is it alright to invite some of the youth to the dance only? Our thinking is they're young and will just be excited to be a part of our celebration in a small way, plus, what kid wants to sit through a formal dinner and toasts? the youth group is a big part of our day to day lives and we do spend a lot of time with them. It seems strange to cut them out completely on our big day, but we don't necessarily want to include them in the formal things. What does everyone think? would this be appropriate?
    Posted by alyssant[/QUOTE]
    No.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
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    No.  Absolutely not. 
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
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    Not remotely appropriate. 
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Not at all appropriate.  And you knew that before you asked. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • The Mel and Todd ShowThe Mel and Todd Show
    1000 Comments
    edited November 2010
    One would think, as youth group leaders, you would want them to be there for the ceremony so you could set the example of a solid relationship being made binding through your (and their) faith.  I think that's the right example to set, and you set that example by inviting them to your entire day's worth of events.  Unless you want to show them the finer art of sidestepping etiquette in polite society, in which case you have a solid plan in place. 
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    No, it's not appropriate.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Nope.  
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  • filawfilaw member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    When I was in HS youth group, had my youth pastor invited me to just the dancing portion of his wedding, I would have been excited to participate and glad to not have to sit through the "boring" ceremony party.  So I do totally see where you're coming from.

    That being said, I probably still wouldn't do it, because people can be really persnickety about stuff like that, and you run the risk of really offending someone, or more likely, someone's mom.

    Not sure if this applies to your situation at all, but when my little sister was in HS youth group, the youth pastor got married.  They had a wedding at the church and the reception in the fellowship hall.  They served pigs in a blanket and Pizza my Heart, and the youth group were the "servers".  They all thought it was pretty cool.  But that's another idea that people would probably shoot down really fast.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:30f5dc78-7abf-4516-8712-ff2788a346b8">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I was in HS youth group, had my youth pastor invited me to just the dancing portion of his wedding, I would have been excited to participate and glad to not have to sit through the "boring" ceremony party.  So I do totally see where you're coming from. That being said, I probably still wouldn't do it, because people can be really persnickety about stuff like that, and you run the risk of really offending someone, or more likely, someone's mom. Not sure if this applies to your situation at all, but when my little sister was in HS youth group, the youth pastor got married.  They had a wedding at the church and the reception in the fellowship hall.  They served pigs in a blanket and Pizza my Heart, and the youth group were the "servers".  They all thought it was pretty cool.  But that's another idea that people would probably shoot down really fast.
    Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
    Do you seriously not see the objective rudeness of this?  I can appreciate you not wanting to follow the majority's POV, but to defend this is really stretching it.  Even OP admits it would be really rude.
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  • filawfilaw member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:85dc6cb9-229a-45cb-b1ae-7d6ea2334762">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dance only invites? : Do you seriously not see the objective rudeness of this?  I can appreciate you not wanting to follow the majority's POV, but to defend this is really stretching it.  Even OP admits it would be really rude.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    <div>I am saying *I* wouldn't have been offended, so I can understand why she might come up with the idea and think it could have worked.</div><div>
    </div><div>However, in the bigger world, my lack of taking offense does not mean no one will, and I wouldn't want to run the risk when it's likely this could offend someone.  So while I understand where the idea came from, and I even bet there is a group of people out there that this would work for, there's no way to know for sure you have that group, so I wouldn't recommend doing it.  That's all.</div><div>
    </div><div>Edit: saying not seeing</div>
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just because they are younger than you does not mean you get to be rude to them. 
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  • stina93446stina93446 member
    2500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:1e3a308a-5dfb-40f2-9d58-ac1e516d513f">Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, before I start. <strong>I realize this is considered very rude,</strong> but my fiance and I are planning to invite some guests to the ceremony and dance only. We have been youth group leaders at our church for four years now, and actually have developed some close relationships with them. Understandably, a lot of the youth are very excited for us and for our wedding. My question is, is it alright to invite some of the youth to the dance only? Our thinking is they're young and will just be excited to be a part of our celebration in a small way, plus, what kid wants to sit through a formal dinner and toasts? the youth group is a big part of our day to day lives and we do spend a lot of time with them. It seems strange to cut them out completely on our big day, but we don't necessarily want to include them in the formal things. What does everyone think? would this be appropriate?
    Posted by alyssant[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If you realize it's rude, why are you doing it?

    </div>
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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:3ef12887-51bc-47ef-a5d5-c715a6798d0d">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Dance only invites? : If you realize it's rude, why are you doing it?
    Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

    That's what I was thinking.
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:037c779c-d3cc-4235-84ee-302a1cde83a1">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Even as a teen I'd have been really insulted.
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

    I would've been too!

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  • alyssantalyssant
    First Comment
    ok, thanks everyone for the feedback. Just to clarify, I don't think it IS rude in this case, but I know the etiquette on this topic. That is why I mentioned that. I guess for us it seems to work. We know the kids and we believe that they would enjoy it and be honoured to be asked, as other leaders have not invited them to anything. I guess we just thought it would be a good time for them to remember. We didn't think that they would really remember not being there for the dinner. That is a good point that some of the moms might be offended, but when it comes down to it, its our wedding and I don't know if I would worry too much about what moms of the youth would say anyways. I think I will ask around maybe and see what people in my area have done.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    It's rude no matter how old the kids are.  Just abandon this idea altogether.  You'll never find someone who will say, "Yes, that's really a great idea, and you should do it."  It's not a regional thing.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:0cfe9725-f155-4310-9667-cb902fa6a3b9">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, thanks everyone for the feedback. Just to clarify, I don't think it IS rude in this case, but I know the etiquette on this topic. That is why I mentioned that. I guess for us it seems to work. We know the kids and we believe that they would enjoy it and be honoured to be asked, as other leaders have not invited them to anything. I guess we just thought it would be a good time for them to remember. We didn't think that they would really remember not being there for the dinner. That is a good point that some of the moms might be offended, but when it comes down to it, its our wedding and I don't know if I would worry too much about what moms of the youth would say anyways. I think I will ask around maybe and see what people in my area have done.
    Posted by alyssant[/QUOTE]

    So, in other words, you didn't get the validation you wanted here, and 12 people told you not to do it, so you'll take your question elsewhere. 

    What about having a get together with the kids and you and your new H a few weeks after the wedding.  Buy them pizza and pop and show them wedding pics.  Thats much more appropriate than inviting them to dance.

    And just another thing, I would be extremely uncomfortable as a guest of your wedding if after dinner all of these kids showed up to dance.  Think about the rest of your guest list.  By doing this you would not only be being completely rude to the kids, but also to the rest of your guests.
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  • alyssantalyssant
    First Comment

    I already have had people tell me its a "great idea". I think it really does depend on the crowd. I suppose I will think about it.

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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:06563f07-ac82-47eb-9e78-5f5da766c26b">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]And just another thing, I would be extremely uncomfortable as a guest of your wedding if after dinner all of these kids showed up to dance.  Think about the rest of your guest list.  By doing this you would not only be being completely rude to the kids, but also to the rest of your guests.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Another VERY good point. I think you'd end up pissing off a LOT more people than you think no matter what the intent is.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:291ba351-9fb5-4ac0-a477-c191cf0bf641">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I already have had people tell me its a "great idea". I think it really does depend on the crowd. I suppose I will think about it.
    Posted by alyssant[/QUOTE]

    Thats because people who are close to you tend to tell you what you want to hear when it comes to your wedding, because they don't want to hurt your feelings.  We are complete strangers who have no qualms about telling you straight up how we feel about a subject.  Basically, we tell you what your friends and family are too afraid to say.
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2010
    Yeah, if I was a teen getting that invitation, I'd be saying to my parents, "What the hell?  I want to be at the ceremony!  But ugh, I guess I need to go, it's not right if I don't."

    As an adult at that wedding, I'd be bitching about the influx of teens in the car on the way home.

    You'd never hear a word of it either way.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    MilkDuds is right.  Also, considering those parents have to drive the kids to and from your precious wedding, you'd better give a damn about what they think.  As a hostess, you should care in general about whether you're being rude.  To think that because they're teenagers you can be rude to them makes you a terrible youth group leader.
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  • simbidisimbidi
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:1e3a308a-5dfb-40f2-9d58-ac1e516d513f">Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>OK, before I start. I realize this is considered very rude...</strong> Posted by alyssant[/QUOTE]

    I think you answered your own question.
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  • filawfilaw member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    OP, another idea occurred to me.  I did a lot of youth theater growing up, and one of my directors got married when I was about 14.  She had tons of kids that she wanted to involved, but it would have been impractical to invite them (and all their parents) to a wedding where a lot of them would have been bored anyway.

    She did the whole separate party thing for all of us and our parents.  She rented out a rec hall at a local park, bought a cake from the grocery store, and she and her husband wore bride and groom t-shirts, and she wore a silly costume veil and he wore a top hat.  I think they served pizza or some other kid friendly, inexpensive food.  They followed dinner up with Karaoke which was a total hit because we were all theater kids.  I remember them cutting the cake specifically, because they were really silly about it.  It was a fun night, and a great way for all of us younger kids to be involved.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:e9dde9b6-da4b-471a-99a3-c724573f44a0">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dance only invites? : I like you.  Please stay and play with us for a long long time.  :)
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Awww, thanks. I've noticed that you give really good advice. Now, if only people would listen...</div>
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:a6ca1bbb-575a-41a3-8991-51d3348adfae">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dance only invites? : Awww, thanks. I've noticed that you give really good advice. Now, if only people would listen...
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]
    I like to think of it as practice for when I someday have teenagers who know everything :)
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dance-only-invites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:179ccdea-bb3e-4cf1-97fb-54718aaf65b9Post:d0324c07-d2a7-47dc-99ab-ff687d2c8419">Re: Dance only invites?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dance only invites? : I like to think of it as practice for when I someday have teenagers who know everything :)
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Ha, go to military brides board and you'll get first hand experience with teenagers who think they know everything.
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  • SarahNicole80SarahNicole80
    10 Comments
    My only thought was where will these kids sit when their feet are tired? I'm just imagining grandma saying WTF when she sees some group of kids sitting at her table. seems like something small but these are kids we are talking about and without parent supervision, they may not make the best choices. Um I'm assuming that there is no parent supervision- another thing to worry about.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I don't think it's fair to assume that the kids would need adult supervision; they're practically adults themselves.
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  • SmithMcFarlaneSmithMcFarlane member
    10 Comments
    I know personally I wouldn't be offended, however I can see how someone would be.  Its a tough call and we had debated doing this as well with some of our guests.  We decided not to after a friend of ours did this and she had people so angry with her.  She also made some enemies at work over this.   We decided it wasn't worth the headache, and if we didn't want them at the ceremony then we shouldn't invite them.
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