Sister in-law wanting IN.

januss34

OMG my fiances sister has called IN TEARS because she "isnt included in the wedding" .... when its not even hers or HIS choice who my bridesmaids are..... I'm bout to just tell her she and her husband can stand up awkwardly on his side and just smile.... she doesnt wanna be at the bridal showers or the bachelorette party or anything... just "be in the wedding"... and was BAWLING!!... absurd... she had HER day.. its MY day now.. and I am not normally a bridezilla but I have put my foot down on this subject and my Fiance is on my side about it too. - I dont know what to do. Her and his mom are insisting they be Wedding Planners, and are upset that we arent asking their opinion on EVERYTHING... even though I have been planning this with my mom for so long, we have asked for opinions and told them what we are looking at doing, then the opinion they offer is rude.. I dont know how to handle it... any advice is appreciated... before I freak out on them... which would not be good.

SHOULD I SPECIFY THAT BY "MY DAY" I MEANT THAT SHE HAD HER WEDDING DAY TO DO WHAT SHE WANTED... HAVE WHO SHE WANTED... and probably wasnt even FORCED to do anything she didnt want to do, she was spoiled, and While I am too by my mother I will not be forced to do something me or my FI want to do. We never thought of asking EITHER siblings on our sides. -- Kk thanks! 

januss34

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-in-law-wanting-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:182caf31-1713-4958-ae8e-1f9d5a1bd729Post:efe5e4cd-2b96-4093-a757-fcdcfade3ac5">Re: Sister in-law wanting IN.</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell your FI if he wants her to be in the wedding he should ask her to stand on his side.  If he doesn't want to ask her to be involved in the WP then that's his decision.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>He doesnt want her on his side either. It has nothing to do with the planning of the wedding. </div>

januss34

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-in-law-wanting-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:182caf31-1713-4958-ae8e-1f9d5a1bd729Post:337d9d84-d1b5-4b3f-a720-2d0b04984f15">Re: Sister in-law wanting IN.</a>:
[QUOTE]Also stop discussing wedding plans with them.  You'll probably not get the encouragement that you would like. I'd lay low with the "its MY day" stuff.  It sounds foot-stompy.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

<div>I havent discussed any wedding plans with them other than my mom telling them about a few venues we have seen. Our wedding is two years away! what would we be planning right now?  and I think I am allowed to be "foot stompy" as you say, about MY bridesmaids. It is not my fiance's or his sisters decisions who is on my side of the bridal party so yes. I will say its my decision, I never once said it was specifically MY day, just mentioned that she had her wedding and this is my wedding now. My FI and I are on the same page about this whole ordeal. </div>

januss34

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-in-law-wanting-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:182caf31-1713-4958-ae8e-1f9d5a1bd729Post:f9feecbb-a3ed-42ce-bf9a-a881c8e5da7a">Re: Sister in-law wanting IN.</a>:
[QUOTE]she doesnt wanna be at the bridal showers or the bachelorette party or anything... just "be in the wedding"... Well, just "be in the wedding" is the only job of a bridesmaid. It's not mandatory that she attend/plan parties for you. It's not like she's automatically disqualified just because she wouldn't be attending your pre-wedding parties. The parties are not part of the wedding. [/QUOTE] <div>
</div><div>I completely disagree, those parties ARE a part of the wedding as a whole.. and all she wants to do is stand there and feel "included" not even be a part of the parties or what the bridesmaids do with and for the bride, i.e., me. The bridesmaids do more than just show up and stand there, I'm not sure if you are aware of that... </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] And your fiance can't force you to have her as a bridesmaid if you don't want her, but ultimately it IS his decision if she's in the bridal party or not. She can always be a groomswoman and stand on his side in a black dress or something. So ultimately he's got the final say, and as such HE should be the one handling her calls. (Just like if you had a brother who wasn't included at all, it'd ultimately be YOUR responsibility.) [/QUOTE] </div><div>
</div><div>Except for the fact that we BOTH dont want her in the bridal party.. If she wants to be on my side I feel like she should be calling me to talk to me, She doesnt even know me that well aside from seeing me at family functions, so no I dont feel close enough to have her on my side. And he wants HIS friends on his side, not family. </div><div>
</div><div>"that's your FI's decision, not yours. He doesn't have the right to demand that she be a bridesmaid, so YOU don't have the right to demand that she be a groomswoman." --- </div><div>
</div><div>Who's demanding.??? I was saying if she wants it so bad, Chris can have her up there and smile if he wants. I am not demanding anything. ----  </div><div>
</div><div>"And I don't get why it needs to be "awkward" ... standing up there and smiling is all they're required to do. The parties are a bonus. Your FI can say, "Sorry Sis, but we've made our decision." And then he can deal with any backlash from there. However, I'll ditto the person who suggested that asking her to be a bridesmaid or a groomswoman might be a nice gesture toward family unity and peace." </div><div>---- It will be awakward because she literally FOUGHT to be there just to stand there for the day, not even wanting to do anything other than STAND THERE. Its absurd to put up such a fight for a wedding TWO YEARS AWAY to stand there for an hour, she just wants the recognition and the more she fights it the more resentment me AND my FI will have for her. He says he has always invisioned his friends being there and his family sitting in the front row, never anything about having his sister in the wedding party. And I have felt the same way.. My brother could care less if he were a groomsman or not, so its just silly to put up such a fight over something that has no malice towards the person and has meant no offense towards her or her family.. Her CHILDREN are already going to be junior groomsman and bridesmaid so should we just forget our closest friends and just have all family up there??? I dont think so, That is never how I imagined our day. </div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]You don't really mention why you don't want her as a bridesmaid here, so I'm going to suggest that (unless she's been a TOTAL jerk to you throughout your relationship) you at least consider including her in some fashion, as a bridesmaid or groomswoman or maybe a reader. In some families, it's considered a huge slap in the face to exclude a sibling from a wedding party. even though I have been planning this with my mom for so long Um, is the guy you're marrying involved in this, or are you and your mom just planning his wedding? A lot of your post seems to suggest that you are in charge of this whole thing (like the part where you say that it's not your FI's choice if she's a bridesmaid, but you're thinking you should just tell him that she has to be a groomswoman; and the whole "MY DAY" stuff, barf).</div><div>Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Barf all you want  honey -- My FMIL and FSIL have had their day planning and executing a wedding, over 20 years ago she had HER day. So yes it is MY day. And My FI's day as well. He and I are in this together and have held strong to our feelings of not having her as a bridesmaid or groomswoman. She is putting on a pity party that We both are not coming to. And if she wants to exclude herself completely from helping us plan because of the whole bridesmaid thing because she took it personally that is HER problem. Chris and I are very adamant about our friends being up there with us. My mom and I have been looking at wedding stuff for YEARS, and while my FI wants to be involved, his work is getting in the way of most of his involvement, so yes we are kind of taking this on just me and my mom. And We both feel that his family should realize that they get to play the part of the grooms mother and such this time around, so they do not have to be as involved as they have been in their own weddings. I have repeatedly told them we will gladly take them to the venues or ask for advice so long as they arent rude when offering their opinions on what I like. My FI has liked everything I have picked out so far and told me some things he doesnt like, other than that he isnt worried about every last detail of the decorating and the wedding execution. The ONLY thing his family seems to be concerned about is having my FSIL in the wedding and nothing more. and them saying things like "Fine I will come to the wedding but other than that I am done!!" is not helping their case of making this any easier for anyone. And it is upsetting me, my mom, my fiance, and making things very difficult for all of us. So Barf all you want but it is My wedding day and I will have it the way I want, With the love of my life on my arm and my friends surrounding me and family witnessing my happieness with my new husband. I will ask if she will do a reading or something but we will most likely just ignore their crying and keep things how we want them. 

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januss34

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-in-law-wanting-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:182caf31-1713-4958-ae8e-1f9d5a1bd729Post:51064d63-639d-4a4a-8f7f-3c60ce0071ca">Re: Sister in-law wanting IN.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to pick your battles and even though she's throwing a fit, will not asking her cause more problems in the end? I am not having my FIs 2 sisters in the wedding party and frankly, the thought never crosssed my mind. We are not close and I choose the 3 people closest to me. FI is fine with it and they are too. Like others have mentioned, I would try to lose the 'my day' mentality, it's actually yours and your FI's day and if its important to him to have family tin the party, them maybe include her.
Posted by amymaysa[/QUOTE]

<div>As I have ALREADY said to other people, I never ONCE said it was just MYYYYY DAY.... good lord... everyone on here is like a broken record.... NEITHER of us wanted her as a bridesmaid or a groomsmaid... We never even THOUGHT about it... So I am with you on that.. I am not close to her at all I only see her at family functions and I have having my closest friends of 4-10 years up there with me. </div>

januss34

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-in-law-wanting-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:182caf31-1713-4958-ae8e-1f9d5a1bd729Post:a59991b7-f5e9-42d5-bde7-d35a14ade0f1">Re: Sister in-law wanting IN.</a>:
[QUOTE]It always annoys me when people are presumptuous about these things, like being in a bridal party.  If asked, graciously accept or decline if you choose, but don't act like you have a right to be in the party.  In this case, I do agree, it might help keep things harmonious down the road.  If you don't want her in the WP, could you have her as an usher or a reader or something like that? 
Posted by Fluffernut[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>OMG Thank you!!!! haha. She was so presumtuous to just think she was automatically in the bridal party! Thats why I am so upset..she does try to talk to me ever, its always through my FI when she wants to ask me something... so why would I ask if we arent even that close?? </div>

januss34

Thanks for the advice. I think I will talk to the FI tonight about her doing a reading or something or some kind of gesture of "giving her brother away" at the ceremony. Its silly to expect to be included in such a personal experience for me and my friends, while family is more important... I am not expecting my FI to ask my brother to be in it, if he does fine, if not, no one will care.. I am not expecting to be IN my brothers wedding, so I dont see why My FSIL thinks she is automatically taking up one of my spots for my closest most trusting childhood friends. 

Jpineda08

Hold your ground. I'm having some issues with my SIL. It's better to plan wedding details with your future hubby and getting things done on your own. Because if you start including them in the idea of things, they feel like they are intitled to take charge. Believe me--I'm learning this the hard way with my SIL being my MOH. This could make us or break us.

dianardwyer

I've asked my SIL to be a reader in the wedding because we're only having one person each stand for us (my sister for me, his brother for him). I believe the people standing next to you at your wedding should be the people who've supported and stood by you your whole life, not people out of obligation. My SIL complains about eveything I do wedding wise, she doesn't agree with any decisions my Fiancé and me have made. She has already confronted me about not being a bridesmaid and again about not being MC. My comment to that is, when the wedding invite has your name on it or your helping to pay for it, we'll give you a say!!!! Don't feel guilty and screw this "keeping the family peace/unity bull!! You and your fiancé need to make these decisions together and if you both don't want her then she needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with it!!!!!