Matron and Maid of Honor Help

Dawnlynn02

My sister is my maid of honor.  The only reason I asked her is because she's my sister.  We are not close, but I thought this might bring us together. At first she refused to take the role, but then one of my bridesmaids (best friend) spoke to her and said she would step up to the plate as Matron of Honor, with my approval of course, and share the responsibilities.  We all agreed and life went on. 
Here's my dilemma.  My maid of honor (sister) is being so mean to me.  Calling me names, telling me were not friends and acting very jealous about the whole wedding.  I try to be the bigger person and brush it off, but I'm fed up. I'm fighting back. I don't want her at my wedding anymore.  Of course I would never kick her out, but now she thinks she's making a speech at my reception and I really don't want to hear what she has to say.  It's all fake. I really don't think she likes me at all.  Is it wrong of me to ask my Matron of Honor to do it? Can I even ask someone to make a speech at my wedding?

gottahavashorti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a1314ec-9cb5-4fd3-bc76-8f309447debdPost:313f3ea3-3341-4186-8108-e885aee012f1">Matron and Maid of Honor Help</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister is my maid of honor.  The only reason I asked her is because she's my sister.  We are not close, but I thought this might bring us together. At first she refused to take the role, but then one of my bridesmaids (best friend) spoke to her and said she would step up to the plate as Matron of Honor, with my approval of course, and share the responsibilities.  We all agreed and life went on.  Here's my dilemma.  My maid of honor (sister) is being so mean to me.  Calling me names, telling me were not friends and acting very jealous about the whole wedding.  I try to be the bigger person and brush it off, but I'm fed up. I'm fighting back. I don't want her at my wedding anymore.  Of course I would never kick her out, but now she thinks she's making a speech at my reception and I really don't want to hear what she has to say.  It's all fake. I really don't think she likes me at all.  Is it wrong of me to ask my Matron of Honor to do it? Can I even ask someone to make a speech at my wedding?
Posted by Dawnlynn02[/QUOTE]
There would probably be less drama if you skipped toasts all together or have them at the rehearsal dinner and let your sister give a toast then along with anyone else who has requested to give a toast.

mbcdefg

Just ignore her biitching, and if she gives a speech, put on a happy face and deal with it. If your sister says something about not wanting to give a speech, then politely let her know that it's fine if she'd rather not do it.

If the Matron of Honor offers to give a speech, say O.K. if you want.

bablingbrooke

I could have written this a year ago. 

It's not easy to do, and sometimes it's going to be very hard to do, but you have to learn to just not let it bother you. Kicking her out isn't an option--she's going to be your sister forever and kicking her out is handing her a reason to be upset with you.  It's also going to give people a reason to talk about you behind your back and will make you look petty.  Fair?  Absolutely not.  But it's the reality.

I didn't seek out my sister for opinions and kept only the barest expectations: buy the dress and show up.  I'm glad I did.  She didn't disappoint me in that regard and she even pleasantly surprised me on a couple of occasions.  More often than not she didn't come through, but I didn't expect her to.

It sucks when your own sister is so terrible.  But unfortunately you just need to learn to not let it bother you.  Again, I've been there and it's not easy.  But I did it and now, a year after the wedding, I'm so glad I didn't.  Not only can I look back and say that I didn't do anything wrong (which is immensely satisfying), after the wedding my sister was diagnosed as bipolar and I now have a lot more sympathy for her.  At the time, she couldn't control herself or her actions and to a large degree took it out on me.  She's been on meds for 9 months and is like a whole new person.  We have a decent relationship.  Had I dumped her, I'm not sure that we would have had the foundation to grow close later.  Maybe something like this is going on with your sister, maybe not.  But I would strongly advise against saying or doing anything that would reflect poorly on you.

ETA: My BIL wrote my sister a speech to give.  It was really short, like 45 seconds, and it was an inspirational quote.  I know that she didn't find it on her own, and I know she didn't come up with the idea.  But frankly she could have refused to do it and didn't.  And with all her issues, that was enough for me.  Maybe it'll be enough for you too?

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a1314ec-9cb5-4fd3-bc76-8f309447debdPost:313f3ea3-3341-4186-8108-e885aee012f1">Matron and Maid of Honor Help</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister is my maid of honor.  The only reason I asked her is because she's my sister.  We are not close, but I thought this might bring us together. At first she refused to take the role, but then one of my bridesmaids (best friend) spoke to her and said she would step up to the plate as Matron of Honor, with my approval of course, and <strong>share the responsibilities.</strong>  We all agreed and life went on.  Here's my dilemma.  My maid of honor (sister) is being so mean to me.  Calling me names, telling me were not friends and acting very jealous about the whole wedding.  I try to be the bigger person and brush it off, but I'm fed up. I'm fighting back. I don't want her at my wedding anymore.  Of course I would never kick her out, but now she thinks she's making a speech at my reception and I really don't want to hear what she has to say.  It's all fake. I really don't think she likes me at all.  Is it wrong of me to ask my Matron of Honor to do it? Can I even ask someone to make a speech at my wedding?
Posted by Dawnlynn02[/QUOTE]

Do you think your sister might be mean to you because of all the responsibilities and duties you want to put on her?  Are you hounding her with wedding details, or overwhelming her with a bunch of wedding planning stuff?  I don't know, but with a lot of brides I've seen across here, that is the reason their MOH's and BM's get all negative and pissy.  They are fed up with all the wedding talk and duties and chores etc and the brides are just taking all the fun out of it.

I don't know your sister or why she is being mean and treating you this way.

If you weren't close to begin with, it doesn't make any sense that now all of a sudden she will change and all of a sudden get close to you.  People do not change just because one of their siblings are getting married.  People will be the same people that they already are.  It wasn't wise to assume she would change and you two would become closer.  You make the mistake of asking your sister who you said you ARE NOT close with.  Now you have to deal with having her as your MOH and a part of your wedding because you can not demote her or remove her from your wedding party.  If she wants to remove herself, then let her.  But SHE has to be the one to say it, and be the one to bring it up to you.  You can't assume anything and remove her on your own.  That is not your place. 

Maybe she is being mean because you decided to have a 2nd MOH and maybe she felt that was implying that you didn't think she would do a good enough job on her own.

Regarding the speech, I think you are right in wanting to ask your Matron of Honor.  You have 2 MOH"s.  You can choose either of them to do the speech.  Whichever one you are closer to or who you have a better relationship with.  In this case it seems to be with your friend over your sister so anyone can make a speech.  MOH or Matron of Honor.  It DOES NOT matter.  Your sister will have to deal with the fact that you want your friend to make the speech.  You get a say in who gives the speech. 

Also, you cannot force your friend to give the speech if she doesn't want to.  If she is the shy or nervous type in front of an audience, don't put unfair pressure on her to do a speech just because you say so.  She has to WANT to do it, as well.  MOH's are not required to give a speech.  It's optional.  My MOH didn't give a speech.  Just the Best Man

orangecrayon

You know i'm in the same situation and my wedding is about 10 months out!

Because my parents are helping foot the bill for the wedding with my fi and i, they said either my sister is the only moh or they aren't helping, and my fi is a sweet guy and he gave in because he hates making people upset.

But you know what, i don't feel like she's interested. When they came and they asked my hand for marriage she wasn't excited for me, i'm planning my engagement party that my parents told me i can plan and she never put ideas in or anything, and lastly we've already started the wedding planning and she's not interested in one bit.

I feel like she's jealous of me, but still that isn't an excuse.

I suggest just doing the planning on your own with your FI and don't mention anything to her other than her dress. Just let her know to get her dress and be there for the wedding. Other than that you really can't do much, because if you do kick her out, you're going to hear it for the rest of your life...and i'm sure that will cause drama forever.

Just be the bigger person...don't listen to her and just do what makes you and your fi happy!

Best of luck

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a1314ec-9cb5-4fd3-bc76-8f309447debdPost:a3734196-f8f5-4f8c-9849-bc0bfba54cac">Re: Matron and Maid of Honor Help</a>:
[QUOTE]You know i'm in the same situation and my wedding is about 10 months out! Because my parents are helping foot the bill for the wedding with my fi and i, they said either my sister is the only moh or they aren't helping, and my fi is a sweet guy and he gave in because he hates making people upset<strong>. But you know what, i don't feel like she's interested.</strong> When they came and they asked my hand for marriage<strong> she wasn't excited for me, i'm planning my engagement party that my parents told me i can plan and she never put ideas in or anything, and lastly we've already started the wedding planning and she's not interested in one bit. I</strong> feel like she's jealous of me, but still that isn't an excuse. I suggest just doing the planning on your own with your FI and don't mention anything to her other than her dress. Just let her know to get her dress and be there for the wedding. Other than that you really can't do much, because if you do kick her out, you're going to hear it for the rest of your life...and i'm sure that will cause drama forever. Just be the bigger person...don't listen to her and just do what makes you and your fi happy! Best of luck
Posted by zeinas[/QUOTE]

That is so weird because the only one who helped plan the wedding was the other person getting married, my FI.  Bridesmaids aren't wedding planners, so I understood that they weren't excited about the planning.

Also, your not supposed to throw yourself an engagement party.  Someone else is supposed to plan it, in your honor to congratulate your engagement.  You basically just congratulated yourself. 

Dawnlynn02

My FI and I threw our engagement party too.  And I practically had to plan my shower.  My MOHs and bridesmaids chose the location and decorated.  Sister was bitching about it the whole time.  Now I just got done planning my Bach party.  It's kind of pathetic.  We're doing a night on he town and I asked my girls if they could at least pick where we are going so I don't have to do everything...LOL. 
But I've done everything for the wedding.  I like doing it myself and I didn't ask anyone, but my FI and mom for some help. 
Well, I have 21 days to go.  Soon MOH drama will be over and I'll be on my honeymoon with my husband.  Suck that SIS!

banana468

Please don't use a bad WP as a reason to break established etiquette rules.

Beyond that, also remember that your WP may be hugely excited for you but that doesn't mean that they're born planners.  My friends are really excited that DH and I are expecting but that doesnt mean that they're helping me decorate the nursery or to clean in preparation - it's sort of the same thing.  You can love your friend but the idea of picking out invitations or stuffing an envelope may make you want to hurt yourself.

When it comes to the insults though, I'd begin distancing myself from someone who attempted to make me feel bad.

KevinMegan1008

I would just suck it up till after the wedding. At that point you can choose how close you want to be. Let the bridesmaids do their part (bridal shower if they chose, bridesmaid dresses, bachorlette party, etc) When I was in other weddings all these BM responsibilities were time consuming enough (people have their own lives too) You guys should actually plan it. It's your wedding day. .

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-maid-of-honor-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a1314ec-9cb5-4fd3-bc76-8f309447debdPost:0d05c7e5-564f-4ac1-a2be-d1ec58f83aff">Re: Matron and Maid of Honor Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Well you know what, i'm not following any specific guidelines on how to throw my party,, or if i am allowed to plan it. My parents told me to plan certain things, and i did so. there is nothing wrong with being told, pick the design for your chocolates, your cake, and all of the lovely stuff and yes mmy parents don't really care who plans the party, because in the end we know who is footing the bill and why.<strong> And yes i am aware that bridesmaids DON'T help plan the wedding but why don't they show some interest? </strong>What's the point of having bridesmaids that just give you shitt constantly? We all get it, that not everyone is excited for your wedding exept yourself........but at one point or another the people in the bridal party should show some interest. You chose a specific person that means a lot to you to be in your wedding and for them to give you attitude or whatever or not even let you feel that they're happy for you, it's VERY crappy
Posted by zeinas[/QUOTE]

The bridesmaids can show interest at appropriate times.  They can show excitement at the bachelorette party, they can show their fun side at the bach party, and then a week before the wedding, yes a week, they can show their interest and excitement with the wedding.  That is when everyone gets super excited, that the suspense is here, the wedding day is coming and shortly approaching any day.  That is when you can expect the members of a bridal party to show their full interest and excitement.  If not, you will surely see it on the RD and the wedding day itself.  Not everyone is excited years and months in advance.  I've seen brides who are getting married in 2012 and 2014 and they complain on here that the members of their bridal party are not showing an interest.  Hello, with that long before the wedding, there really isn't anything to be excited about the wedding.  All they can do is congradulate them on their engagement.  Also, for those weddings 10 months away for example, you will still see bridesmaids not getting excited.  The excitement usually starts like I said, with the shower.  Mine was about 2 or 3 months before the wedding.  And then again as it gets closer and closer to the wedding.