wedding party attendant's husband

Barb85

I asked a friend I just recently reconnected with to be part of my wedding (not a bridesmaid).  Problem is, her husband is a felon and was just recently released from prison.  The wedding is upscale and frankly I don't know him at all.  He is not invited, under any circumstances, and I don't know how to tell my friend this.  No matter how I spin it, I'm sure she'll be hurt (he's her husband and father of her children not just some random man she's dating).  

I've been following the boards for a while and you guys, although blunt at times, give good advice.  Any thoughts?   

JadziaDax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:c0b4d872-9991-47eb-9d97-65786bdcf600">wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked a friend I just recently reconnected with to be part of my wedding (not a bridesmaid).  Problem is, her husband is a felon and was just recently released from prison.  <strong>The wedding is upscale and frankly I don't know him at all.</strong>  He is not invited, under any circumstances, and I don't know how to tell my friend this.  No matter how I spin it, I'm sure she'll be hurt (he's her husband and father of her children not just some random man she's dating).   I've been following the boards for a while and you guys, although blunt at times, give good advice.  Any thoughts?   
Posted by Barb85[/QUOTE]

She was asked to be part of your wedding but not a bridesmaid? What did you ask her to do?
IMO, you have to invite her husband. So what if he was recently released from prison? What do you think- he's going to steal a centerpiece? I'm sure you don't know a lot of your guests dates but you're bothered that this man was in prison- I think you're being ridiculous and highly judgmental.

MTooms

Sorry, I don't think there is a nice way to invite your friend and not her husband. Despite what he may have done she clearly still cares about him and will likely not take it well for you to say he is not invited.

if you don't want him there, then you should probably not invite the friend. I know you want her there, but I think it might be a 'take them both or leave them both' kind of thing.

banana468

Does he need to register as a sex offender or is ge out having paid his debt to society? If he doesn't need to tell the neighborhood that he's moved in, IMO you're out of line for not inviting him. However, if he needs to document where he lives on sex offender regustries and/or he's not allowed in certain places as an agreement with the parole board then just have a talk with your friend and let her know that duebtobtge situation, her husband isn't invited but she can bring someone else if that would make her more comfortable. Oh and the Charles Manson reference isn't applicable. He's still in jail as ge hasn't paid his debt to society like your friend's husband has.

Barb85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:fe9cf850-9f27-4c81-af11-ea81730fe677">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon : If you've just recently reconnected with this friend,  I do think you need to tread lightly with this since you don't know anything about her husband except his prison time.  Did your friend tell you why he was in prison or did you hear via the grapevine?  If it was for a sexually related crime, that may be your "out" in this situation.  How far away is your wedding?
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

She told me why he was in prison but her viewpoint is that he's innocent.  Problem is that he is a repeat offender, and while she can continue to believe his innocence, I don't and I'm not comfortable with him at the wedding.

Barb85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:e07fec61-79e7-4f5d-8f07-9d4b15c4599d">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]OP,when was/is your wedding? Your profile says April 2010.  Is this MUD?
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I  don't know what MUD means, but I meant Apr 2011.  My mistake. 

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:5330a4e2-f81e-4652-b64b-b7a4fa6da7a0">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon : He didn't spend time in prison for stealing.  It was a violent/sex-related offense.  To assume I would be concerned about someone stealing a centerpiece is RIDICULOUS.  Frankly, I'm concerned about the open bar and his potential inabaility to control his temper when he drinks and embarassing the crap out of me around my family who don't do things, LIKE GO TO PRISON.   And yah I'm being judgemental--I said I didn't know anything about him but of his recent incarceration.  You make a good point about not really knowing any of the guests, but if you do know things you're not  comfortable with, shouldn't you act on it?  Where is your limit for not inviting someone--<strong>-would you invite Charles Manson if he were dating your MOH because it was protocol</strong>?
Posted by Barb85[/QUOTE]

Charles Manson is still in prison, so he's not going to be anybody's wedding guest anytime soon, but thanks for playing.

Unless you actually have to legitimately fear him getting drunk and raping or stabbing one of your guests, I'm sorry, but he's this girl's husband. They are a social unit, if you invite her, he gets to come, too.

banana468

He's a documented sex offender in the system and this isn't the first time that he's been incarcerated for the offense?

I'm sorry but I disagree that they need to be invited as a social unit.  It's one thing if he's a former burglar or drug addict and he has rehabilitated himself to the point that the justice system feels that he's paid his debt to society.

In this case he's a documented sexual offender and he has to register as one?  I think you can say to your friend:

"I'm so glad that you'll be at the wedding.  Unfortunately due to the circumstances with your husband, FI and I are not comfortable with him there however you can bring another guest if you'd rather not attend alone."

Etiquette exists to make people comfortable.  And in this case, the greater comfort of your guests is more important IMO.

SD3194

If you don't want anyones advice, why would you bother posting? We think you're being ridiculous and judgemental. It seems that the overall opinion is that you can't invite her (and ask her to be part of your wedding) and not invite him. Has it clicked yet? You're being unreasonable and rude. 

You should talk to your friend about the situation. Tell her you're uncomfortable but I wouldn't mention anything about him not being allowed to come. Who knows, she might agree that he doesn't need to come...problem solved.   

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:cef020d6-a9f1-4f97-aae5-41bdc55b8f10">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon : You make an excellent point about them being a social unit.  <strong>BUT AGAIN, I'm not asking for anyone's approval of me not inviting him.  He's not invited, end of story.  That wasn't the question.  The question was how to tactfully talk to my friend about my feelings about the situation.</strong>  From what I'm gathering, which has been helpful, is that even if the girl's husband was Hitler, he should still be invited b/c they're a "social uniits." Fair enough.  PS,  Charles Mansion was just a universally-known criminal offender who was the first person I thought of.  My point was, there has to be some limit on who you guys would invite to your wedding and that "just because they were married to someone else" wouldn't be a good enough reason for them to come.     
Posted by Barb85[/QUOTE]

There's really no "tactful"way to say he's not invited.  Like I said, as a social unit, it's rude to invite her and exclude him.

Say it however you want, you're probably going to hurt your friend's feelings regardless.

trix1223

As regs here probably know, a personal experience in the last year makes me view your question very differently, perhaps, than others might. 

99.9% of the time, I'd tell you that you have to invite a s/o of a guest.....that you won't have to interact with him.....that you should let this go.  But if this guy is a violent sex offender, then I'm in the "speak to your friend and tell her he can't come" camp.

Banana gave you great advice:  "I'm sorry, friend.  You know I love you and would love to have you celebrate our wedding with us.  But I cannot, in good conscience, include your husband in the invitation. What's that?  You won't attend without him?  I understand, and want you to know that you'll be missed."

You'll also need to be ready for the fact that 1)  she won't come without him, and 2) you've probably ended the friendship.  But someone with a convicted sex offender husband isn't someone that I'd maintain a friendship with anyway.

I do have to ask though, didn't you know the creep was getting out when you asked your friend to be in the wedding?  Release dates for felons is not a secret.  Their incarceration status can be viewed on a tracking website.

Had you known he was getting out, would you still have asked her to "participate" in your wedding?

banana468

Barb, are you reading what I said?  Say something to her like,

"Friend, I'm so excited that you'll be at the wedding.  I need to let you know that we understand how you feel about your husband's situation but due to it, we cannot have him at the wedding.  We do understand if you'd like to bring someone else.  Please let us know the name of a guest you'd like to bring so we can address the place cards correctly."

And leave it at that.  

Yes, normally you can't split a social unit without it being a HUGE faux pas and a large slap in the face to the friend.  But in this situation, IMO you break the rule.

And understand that she may be offended, hurt, or really angry with you.  She may not even attend the wedding.

However IMO you need to act for the benefit of ALL your guests.  And that means that you break that one etiquette rule for the greater good here.  It's not often that I'll advise doing so but in this case I do.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:db72a081-765a-4102-a34a-fdfd9089293f">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want anyones advice, why would you bother posting? <strong>We think you're being ridiculous and judgemental. </strong>It seems that the overall opinion is that you can't invite her (and ask her to be part of your wedding) and not invite him. Has it clicked yet? You're being unreasonable and rude.  You should talk to your friend about the situation. Tell her you're uncomfortable but I wouldn't mention anything about him not being allowed to come. Who knows, she might agree that he doesn't need to come...problem solved.   
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

Well, no "WE" don't all feel that way.  You feel that way.

banana468

And ditto Trix.  I have my own personal reasons for not wanting a convicted sex offender in my presence.

Yes, you'll be opening the door to end the friendship but in this case I'd be prepared for that consequence.

And as PPs said, yes it's judgemental.  But sometimes you need to make a judgement so that you aren't knowingly putting yourself and your guests in harm's way.  That's called acting intelligently.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:db72a081-765a-4102-a34a-fdfd9089293f">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want anyones advice, why would you bother posting? <strong>We think you're being ridiculous and judgemental. It seems that the overall opinion is that you can't invite her (and ask her to be part of your wedding) and not invite him.</strong> Has it clicked yet? You're being unreasonable and rude.  You should talk to your friend about the situation. Tell her you're uncomfortable but I wouldn't mention anything about him not being allowed to come. Who knows, she might agree that he doesn't need to come...problem solved.   
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

Speak for yourself here.  There are at least two people who have posted aside from the OP who simply do not agree with you.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:1a081e68-e6b3-4eee-87a4-af03a1ddcf26">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are  so judgemental toward the husband??? I'm praying my brothers stay outta jail long enough to attend our vow renewal...LOL but I'm soooooo serious!!!

As far as a sex/violence crime, your friend stuck by his side that alone should tell you something unless you don't know your friend as well as you think. <strong> Not necessarily.  Thousands of women "stand by their man", even though they're beaten, abused,</strong><strong> or in other ways treated terribly.</strong><strong>  How many times have you seen sentencing hearings (on television) where family members of someone convicted of a violent crime are standing behind them, supporting them</strong><strong> even though they know they're guilty?

</strong>Why are you worried about his drinking and embarrassment ? Don't you have  "The Drunk Uncle/Aunt/cousin"? I have yet to meet a family without one and I've been around poor, ghetto, rich, middle and highly respected families and every last one of them warned me about "the family Drunk"!!!  <strong>A family member who overindulges, even on a regular basis,  is a far different animal than a convicted violent sex offender.  Please don't try to equate the two.</strong>

1) You are making way too many assumptions about this man, and not portraying yourself in a Godly way at all. <strong> I work in a church.   I understand forgiveness.  I work very hard toward it.  But being "Godly" doesn't mean to let people walk all over you.   "Being Godly" has nothing at all to do with this situation.</strong>

2) If it bothers you so much you should be woman enough to have a heart to heart with you friend and discuss your concerns with her.  <strong>I agree.</strong> 

3) Ease up on being so judgemental "He who lives without sin may cast the first stone".  <strong>Until you've been victimized by a violent felon, it's pretty easy to be preachy.  There are degrees, IMO, of "sins".  I get not judging someone who has committed a minor offense, particularly when it's something that many people, including us, may do.  Violent sex offenses do NOT fall into that category.</strong>
Posted by tcjames[/QUOTE]

SD3194

By "we" I was referring to some of the pps. Bad wording I suppose, sorry.


Regardless if you invite him or not there seems to be some other bigger problems. If he's such an awful person/sex offender then why on earth is he allowed to be around and live with those kids? If she's a good friend to you then this is the type of stuff I would be concerned with. Just rubs me the wrong way.

My cousin is a registered sex offender because he was caught having sex with his girlfriend (at the time he was 18 and she was 15). They were both still in highschool. He did jail time and it has ruined his life. I don't think it's fair to judge people just because of a label. In your OP you said that you didn't know him at all, so why do you have such a strong opinion against him?

trix1223

Barb: sorry about sounding like I was scolding about knowing his release date.  I did sound like I was scolding, and I shouldn't have.  It would have made this easier for you.

SD:  Barb said it was a VIOLENT sex offense.  That's a huge difference from a boy who had sex with his underage gf.  I'm really sorry for your cousin.  If the sex with his gf was consensual, then he never should have been judged as a felon and sex offender, IMO.

That's one of the really big issues I have with Megan's Law.  It doesn't take into account two kids who make a poor choice.

But you have to agree that your cousin's issue, while simply awful, awful, awful, is a far cry from a violent sex offender, don't you?

banana468

I'll agree that there can be times when someone is unfairly prosecuted for a sex crime. However if this us a repeat offense, it doesn't sound like this is a statutory rape or isolated issue.

JadziaDax

Wow I walked away from this thread and came back to tons of responses. You did not say this guy was a violent sex offender in your original post. You said your wedding is upscale and you do not want this felon to attend. Who cares if your wedding is upscale? If you were having a more laid back wedding, you would feel comfortable with this guy there? I was giving you advice based on the information you provided.
If you don't want this guy at your wedding and already made up your mind, just talk to your friend and tell her. She will probably not attend your wedding, especially if she is sticking by her husband and doesn't believe he is guilty, but that is a choice you have to make.

megk8oz

For the record, if he really is a violent sex offender, I wouldn't want him at my wedding either, so I don't want you to think I'm judging you for not wanting him there. I'm just saying that because they are married, there really isn't a way to not invite him without her feelings getting hurt over it.

SD3194

I missed the violent part. Still find it weird that OPs friend would stay married to this guy and allow him to be around her kids. Doesn't sound like people I would want to associate with in the first place. OP, maybe you should reevaluate your relationship with this lady...sounds like a lot of drama for you to deal with. I mean, what kind of future relationship could you ever have with her if there's animosity between you and the husband?

SD3194

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:0bd4254b-7ee1-4c04-a99e-61d9d98c92e6">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I walked away from this thread and came back to tons of responses. You did not say this guy was a violent sex offender in your original post. You said your wedding is upscale and you do not want this felon to attend. Who cares if your wedding is upscale? If you were having a more laid back wedding, you would feel comfortable with this guy there? I was giving you advice based on the information you provided. If you don't want this guy at your wedding and already made up your mind, just talk to your friend and tell her. She will probably not attend your wedding, especially if she is sticking by her husband and doesn't believe he is guilty, but that is a choice you have to make.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]


This. I was also confused by your original post.

trix1223

Barb, since you're new, I'm going to give you some "Knottie etiquette" advice.

Don't change your OP, even the title.  Particularly when you've been quoted.  Every follow up post has your original title on it.

Also, in your new title, you're calling her a WP attendant.  Is she an attendant or is she not an attendant?  Because attendant and bridesmaid are interchangeable terms.  Please tell me that you didn't ask someone to be a "personal attendant".

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:cae95363-b2da-444b-b9bc-f6c331eae329">Re: wedding party attendant's husband is a felon</a>:
[QUOTE]Is he fully released, or on parole? If he's on paroled, then he's not allowed near alcohol. Are you serving liquor at the wedding? If the crime involved children, then he won't be allowed in their proximity. Will you have child guests?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>These would be great factors to consider.</div>

MairePoppy

I think you're right not to invite a repeat 'violent sex offender' to your wedding. You have a responsibility to your other guests not to put them in harm's way.

Unfortunately, I don't think your friend will take the news well, especially if she is in denial. Just be honest with her. Make sure you tell her that you care about her and want to include her. When and if she is able to face the truth about her husband, she may remember your kind words. But until then, you are probably better off maintaining some distance.

connelly2be

This issue goes way past the issue of mere etiquette...it's an issue of safety and security for you and your guests.  Count me in with those who say you don't have to invite the felon.  In fact, the guest list is entirely within your control, and I don't fault you for not wanting a recently-released violent sex offender at your wedding.  If I were one of your guests and found out after the fact that you had subjected me to the presence of a violent sex offender, and a repeat one at that, I would be furious.

If this woman is a true friend, she will understand and accept your position.  If she then chooses not to attend your wedding, I'm sure you will understand and accept hers.

Maybe the felon has paid his debt to society, maybe he hasn't.  Personally, I believe that there are some crimes that just can't be repaid, ever.  He may have served his sentence, but it doesn't wipe out the fact that he is a repeat violent sex offender.  He has a history of violence, of sexual crimes, and clearly has a problem with impulse control because he's a repeat offender.  Sex offenders are not garden-variety criminals.  With few exceptions, they do not change -- because they cannot change.  They don't just choose to commit sex crimes; they are compelled to commit them because of whatever pathology is going on in their sick minds.  Do some of you seriously believe the OP should subject her other guests to the potential danger the presence of this felon would bring, just because of a technical point of etiquette?  What if you were one of those unsuspecting guests?

ETA:  My fiance adds, "...And what are the odds, anyway, that the felon knows enough about etiquette to be offended that he's not invited?"

SD3194

Connelly-in her originial post she didn't mention he was a violent sex offender. That's why some of us thought she was being judgemental and unreasonable.

connelly2be

SD, that's a good point.  I think I formed my response after taking in the whole thread, and she did give more details in later posts.  Hope I didn't offend.

SD3194

No not at all

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-attendants-husband-felon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1b4ea93f-489a-483c-84f7-cce44c54816dPost:e4be1c51-67dc-4a75-a367-b852936514d2">Re: wedding party attendant's husband</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, in your new title, you're calling her a WP attendant.  Is she an attendant or is she not an attendant?  Because attendant and bridesmaid are interchangeable terms.  Please tell me that you didn't ask someone to be a "personal attendant".
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

I would also like OP to answer this question. The fact that she keeps avoiding it makes me think she asked her friend to man the guestbook or cut the cake or hold OP's dress over her head while she pees.