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stausswedding

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MissButters

Yes.  I'd still invite her to the wedding.  If she doesn't want to come, then she can respond no.

bablingbrooke

Yes.  Since we can only talk about what you can/should do, I'll address a couple problems I saw coming from your end.  Namely, I think there were some unreasonable expectations that were misconstrued as "mandatory."  She didn't need to accompany you on any shopping trips.  Framing it as, "She could not have called after 21 years," is being really melodramatic.  And it sounds like she didn't drop out, she felt pushed out, no matter what you said to her.  That's the tone I'm getting from this message.  

Also: HER FATHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.  Get some freaking perspective.  You sound completely self-centered with regard to that.  She isn't required to go to your bach party, her father has had a terrible health scare, and you're pissed off that she didn't call you to say she's not coming to the party.  Really?  Take a look in the mirror.  Read that back to yourself.  Is that really the kind of person you want to be?

I would still invite her.  If she chooses not to come, she chooses not to come.  But why not at least put the ball in her court?

I think you two need a chat about the friendship and maybe a couple of apologies going both ways.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-opted-out-of-wedding-party-still-invite-her-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1ee810ac-7256-4ec9-b7f0-ee0199cb9c72Post:07849792-7f8d-464b-86c0-61719bc87935">Bridesmaid opted out of wedding party.. still invite her?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my friend of 21 years and a bridesmaid of mine, opted out of my wedding yesterday because I told her I needed her to be there more for me. She missed me trying on dress, (because she slept though my appointment at 3pm) she forgets we plan a date that I need her to go look for ties with me, and when we rescheduled we ended up doing all her stuff at the mall and had 15 min. for me to look for ties. She even missed my bachelorette party. (now mind you her step father was in the hospital) But the girl could have called after 21 years I would have understood her not being there.  I just told her i really didn't think a phone call was that much to ask. And that I felt left out and not a priority in her life. If she's really that excited for me, just be a part of it.  Anyway, she wrote me an email of how she doesn't want to disappoint me anymore so she's going to leave my life. And that she knows my wedding wont work with her in it. And that she hopes I find a more reliable friend to replace her with. I wrote her back of course telling her I didn't want her out of the wedding. And that's not what I was saying at all. She responds with the same message and at the end Says.. Goodbye.  I was even removed from her facebook. (mind you, we're 30 years old) Thought the whole thing was a little dramatic. So,.. my question is, would you still invite her to the wedding?  PS.. there's so so much more to this story but I summed it up the best I could.
Posted by stausswedding[/QUOTE]

aerinpegadrak

I think you both sound overdramatic, and it sounds like you were asking way too much of her.  A good heartfelt face-to-face talk is probably in order.  But yes, I would still invite her, and see what you can do about making amends.

suz62984

First, being at a dress appointment isn't a requirement. I take issue with the fact that you needed "more of her time." Her step father was in the hospital...you should've been a friend and been there for her. Sounds a dramatic and selfish on your part. Seriously, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that acts the way you have.

Yes, invite her to the wedding. If she chooses not to come then she can say no and you at least know that you tried.

emilyinchile

I would invite her, but I wouldn't be surprised if she declines - you treated her like an unpaid employee rather than like a friend, and she seems to have decided that even after 21 years of friendship it's not worth being friends with you if these are your true colors.

So my complete answer is that first I'd call her up, apologize for being a bridezilla first and foremost instead of being her friend, and say that while you'd love for her to be a BM - no expectations this time - you hope that she'll at least be a guest because you'd realized how much she means to you and how ridiculous you were being.

bablingbrooke

You must never have had a parent in the hospital.  No matter how complicated the relationship, when you see them in danger, your perspective changes.  Whether out of duty, or guilt, or love, you aren't exactly thinking about a friend's party.  I hope you never have to experience it, because it isn't fun.

Thinking her personality would fundamentally change because of your wedding was a strategy destined for failure.  Getting married is a big change in your life.  Not hers.

suz62984

Yes, it sucks that she disappointed you by not going to the dress appointment. You are allowed to be disappointed but as a friend you probably should have gone the "forgive and forget" route rather than the "You need to pay more attention to me" route.

She has always hated her step father. I've always hated my father; however he is in my life. If he were in the hospital i'm not sure how I would react but I know I would be there. You don't get to judge how she should react when someone in her life is in the hospital. You don't get to judge how someone should feel. Unless you have been in the exact same situation you can't judge or comment. It's best to keep your mouth shut when you don't know how it feels. Once again, selfish and dramatic on your part.

suz62984

Oh ok - well that solves everything??? You were quoted sweetie.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Ok.. clearly I should have written more. You guys don't know the whole story. And that's fine. i was asking for opinions and I got them.  I will be inviting her. Because you're right it is the right thing to do.  And I was still going to keep everything for her if she changed her mind.

You didn't know she's hated her step dad for as long as he's been around. He was cruel and awful to her growing up.  Although I still would have understood.

And I don't think asking a person to follow though with the things they say is asking to much. ie.. the dress thing. It wasn't a bridesmaid requirement. I have a bridesmaid that lives in another state. It was a friend following though on things she says. This has been a problem in our relationship for a long time. And I just wanted it to be different for the wedding.

Thank you for your responses.
[/QUOTE]

Ditto everything Brooke said.  And tie shopping is something you should be doing with your FI or he should be doing it by himself.

I would send the invitation with a letter of apology if the invites are going out soon, and otherwise send a letter of apology now and an invite later with a note saying that you would love for her to be there.

Okay, so she doesn't like her stepdad.  Does she love her mother and want to be there for her mother?  Did she still feel bad for her stepdad, with him being in the hospital?  The thing about parents is that, no matter how cruel they are or what type of differences they have with their kids, many adult children will still set aside their problems and look out for their parents in a time of need or mourn for them when they pass away.

If your friend was always flaky, why did you expect anything different for your wedding?  It's no different than every day life.

gottahavashorti

That was fast.

aerinpegadrak

Good catch on quoting the follow-up, gotta.  OP, deleting your posts is just as childish and overdramatic as your behavior to your BM.