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Sister in WEdding party

I have this ordeal, I have one sister (5 years younder), we are not very close, and my mom demands that she be in the wedding, and possibly a bridesmaid.  It's very possible, that my un-happy sister could end up sabotaging my day.  What do i do? how do i involve her, but not have her directly in everything??

Re: Sister in WEdding party

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    How would she sabotage your day?
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    It's a girl!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    She won't sabotage your day.  She can only sabotage your day if she convinces your FI to run away with her.  So don't be melodramatic.

    My sister, who I bet makes yours look like sister of the year, was my MOH.  She was difficult from start to finish.  She insulted the way I looked in my dress, threw a tantrum before the shower, made a scene during the rehearsal, ignored my ILs and OUR extended family at the RD, played the BMs against each other for the bach party and made them upset with each other (she told conflicting lies to each one), then got wasted at the reception and had to be sent home early.  (She's quite notorious on this board, ask any of the regs).

    I still had a perfect wedding.  You will too.  Ask your sister.  She will always be your sister.  Just expect her to wear the dress and show up to the wedding.  Don't involve her in planning.  She doesn't have to attend every pre-wedding event (and, if you think about it, as your sister she'd probably be invited anyway).  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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    Bridesmaids aren't required to be directly in everything. They are required to get the dress and be in the ceremony. She doesn't have to be attached at your hip during the planning, so if you don't expect or demand her assistance then you shouldn't have a problem.

    How will she "sabotage" your wedding? Unless she shoots the minister, this is really a ridiculous worry. She will only bother you if you allow her to. If she makes a snotty comment while you're getting dressed, you can either run and cry in a corner about it and make a huge deal out of it, or you can ignore her and go on with your day.

    If she's not a bridesmaid then she'd be attending as a guest, no? So if you're truly convinced that she'd "sabotage" your wedding as a bridesmaid, what would stop her from sabotaging it as a guest?

    If you want her as a bridesmaid, only require her to get the dress and show up at the wedding, and don't ask for anything more. If not, then stand up to your mom and deal with any consequences like an adult.
    image
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    Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
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    then don't have her be part of the planning process. 
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2010
    Unless she plans on sleeping with your FI there really isn't much sabotaging she can do. 

    Basically if you make her a BM to ask what she can afford for a dress, pick a dress for her to buy, and leave it at that. Do not discuss any wedding stuff with her unless she asks or offers. 

    If you aren't close with her you can make her a reader or usher (usherette). If she is musically inclined ask if she would like to perform. Guestbook is not a honor and if you really dislike her I guess it would be a good punishment to show her your distaste. 

    Siblings don't automatically get a spot in the WP but most people do it to keep the peace. 
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    LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:86f310b9-9a5d-4991-9778-8b3c5ecd07bc">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
    Posted by smthiele[/QUOTE]
    You're not listening.  They've already told you not to MAKE her a part of the planning process.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:86f310b9-9a5d-4991-9778-8b3c5ecd07bc">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
    Posted by smthiele[/QUOTE]
    Usherette is a slap in the face to your sister, guest book attendant is a shiit job that no one wants.  The only "duties" ANY of your BMs have are to buy the dress and show up.  That's it!  Everything else is a gift from them to you.<div>
    </div><div>Reread my first post.  My sister did EVERYTHING you fear.  I still had a PERFECT wedding.  Perfect.  I would do everything the same again.  If I can have that attitude about my wedding, I assure you that you will survive yours.  My sister and I go months without speaking.  I would still do the same thing again, and I'm glad I asked her despite the drama she TRIED to create (it won't ruin things if you don't let it) for a few reasons:</div><div>-She and I will always be sisters, no matter what.</div><div>-She was (and is) going through some rough stuff and I didn't want to punish her for that.</div><div>-Having low expectations meant I could only be pleasantly surprised by her, and was when she read a short but very sweet toast at the reception that I wasn't expecting at all.</div><div>-By not freezing her out, I have left the door open for a better relationship in the future.  If things get worse, I can at least say I did everything I could and sleep well at night knowing that.</div><div>
    </div><div>Take the long view of things before you make your decision.  Too many brides view the wedding as the end point.  That's a mistake.  Look at it as the beginning of the rest of your life.  Don't make decisions that will negatively impact the rest of your life, especially when it comes to family members.</div>
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    First of all, this is hardly an "ordeal".  It's an inconvenience.  It's a minor concern.  My DD was a violent crime victim a couple of months ago.  That's an ordeal.  So relax.

    Remember this:  you can't control what other people choose to do.  You can only choose how you respond to their actions.  So she can only "sabotage" your wedding if you allow her to.  If you don't respond, any antics she may try just fail.

    Please re-read Brooke's post.  Because she did have a difficult sister, and still had a wonderful wedding.

    It's completely your choice about your sister.  You can include her or not.  You can deal with the ramifications of either decision, because that's what grown-ups do~they live with the consequences of their decisions.

    But please:  don't call this an ordeal, and don't give her a made-up "pity position" like the very lame sounding usherette or guest book attendant.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:3f98b19f-8bcf-45de-9cb1-04de604e2536">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Take the long view of things before you make your decision.  Too many brides view the wedding as the end point.  That's a mistake.  Look at it as the beginning of the rest of your life.  Don't make decisions that will negatively impact the rest of your life, especially when it comes to family members.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Exactly...this is the best mindset.
    Anniversary
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    You're putting WAY too much importance on the position of bridesmaid.

    The only way she'd "neglect her duties" as a bridesmaid would be if she didn't get the dress and/or if she didn't show up to the ceremony on time. So, it's the exact same thing if she didn't usher people to their seats or if she failed to stand by the guest book (which is a bullshiit busywork job in the first place).

    All a bridesmaid has to do is (a) get her dress, and (b) show up to the wedding. THAT IS ALL. And she can do all these things on her own, so there is no reason why you'd have to be interacting with her or holding her hand during the planning process. She is not required to help you plan your wedding.

    Your interaction with her would be:

    * call her, or send an e-mail or text, asking what she can afford to spend on a bridesmaid dress (ditto for all the other bridesmaids, so that you have a price point to stay within)

    * call, text or e-mail and ask if she wants to come dress shopping with you guys

    * if she doesn't go shopping, send her a message saying, "We decided on [designer, style number, color of dress]. It will cost $x, so it's within everyone's price range. Order it from the salon by [deadline date]. Pick out a pair of [black, silver, gold, white, bronze] shoes to coordinate with it. You're on your own for alterations. Wear any jewelry you like. I'm getting my hair and makeup done at Pretty Princess Salon and it'd cost $x if you want yours done too, otherwise go to your own salon or do your own hair and makeup."

    * get her a message around a month out from the wedding telling her when the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner will be. If she doesn't make it, no big deal, any idiot can figure out how to walk down an aisle.

    * get her a message telling her when and where to be on the wedding day so that she can be there for the photos.

    That is ALL you need to talk to her about.

    Now, you don't HAVE to make her a bridesmaid, but for you to say that she'd sabotage your wedding or that making her an usher or guest book attendant (crap job) to avoid her shirking her "duties" is insane. Plus, it's just passive-aggressive (and frankly, pretty biitchy) to give her a dumb job just because you think she's not going to fulfill a bunch of "duties" for you and you want to give her a busywork job to appease her. Either make her a bridesmaid or let her attend as a guest.

    Also, exactly how old is she? You said she's five years younger than you ... there's a HUGE difference between her being 16 and just being a snotty brat (as all teen girls bascially are), or being 35 and just being a nasty human being.


    I can understand not wanting a sister in the wedding if you don't get along with her, but lay off the "She'll sabotage my day!" or "She'll neglect her duties!" crap.

    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:86f310b9-9a5d-4991-9778-8b3c5ecd07bc">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
    Posted by smthiele[/QUOTE]

    This doesn't scream "sabotage" to me. You and your sister are not Road Runner and Coyote or Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. I mean, really, you're going to be insulted because you perceive your sister as being jealous of you and your situation?

    It seems to me, from what you've said in your posts, it may be worth it to include your sister to keep the family peace. If you want her as an usher, have her be an usher. She could be a reader. She could be a bridesmaid. Just because you have a sister who admires your situation to the point of envy doesn't mean you should exclude her, especially when you mom is being vocal about the desire for her inclusion.

    So essentially, OP, you need to decide whether you can keep the peace and drop it about her possibly "sabotaging your day!" and include her or if you can handle the repercussions in not including her.

    Listen to PP. They're all on the level and giving you fabulous advice.
    image
    It's a girl!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    edited June 2010
    Keep in mind that if mommy and daddy aren't paying for the wedding they really have no say in you including her. I would probably have her do a reading. I wouldn't include her as a BM if I didn't want her as one. Don't include her in the planning process.

    If and when your mom says something to you about her not be a BM just say "Mom, the WP is my decision. I would like for sis to be a reader and that is my final decision. Thank you for respecting my wishes." Change the subject.
    Anniversary
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    Listen to Brooke on this one.

    If you don't ask your sister, it sounds like you'll be damaging not only your relationship with her but also your relationship with your mom. Not worth it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:86f310b9-9a5d-4991-9778-8b3c5ecd07bc">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
    Posted by smthiele[/QUOTE]

    I never heard of a guest book attendant.. at our hall they had somebody in charge of that.. and even so, that is ridiculous to have your sister be the guest book attendant.. just put the book in an easy viewed site and have the guests find it themselves.. (perhaps near the place cards).. and let your sister actually enjoy her time at the wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:86f310b9-9a5d-4991-9778-8b3c5ecd07bc">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it wrong for me to ask her to be an usherette, or guest book attendant, that way..she can neglect duties if she would like.  She has a way of being jealous, because she is not getting married, and her life is slightly off kilter, and is not happy with it.  if she is in the wedding party, i fear that she will complain thru the whole planning process, and will be very vocal with everything she doesn't like.  we are not very close, and speak very sparsely, unless we HAVE to.
    Posted by smthiele[/QUOTE]

    Usherette is an idea but guest book attendant is a BS job and if she has a brain, she'll know and she'll be upset. 
    Your BM's don't HAVE to do anything but show up in a pretty dress and smile for the camera.  If you choose to ask your BM's help you do things, be ready to have a problem with everyone's scheduling.  Bridesmaids aren't free labor.  This wedding isn't going to be as important to everyone else as it is to you and your FI.  I'm not saying they don't care and won't try to be there, but you shouldn't make it mandatory that they're always there with you when you go out to do wedding stuff.
    The important decisions should be made by you, your FI and anyone else who's going to be footing the bill.  If you know your sister is going to be a pain in the ass, involve her as little as possible and you'll avoid most of the problems.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f69bb81-370a-4d88-9010-f22c0bfc3da2Post:3f98b19f-8bcf-45de-9cb1-04de604e2536">Re: Sister in WEdding party</a>:
    [QUOTE] Take the long view of things before you make your decision.  Too many brides view the wedding as the end point.  That's a mistake.  Look at it as the beginning of the rest of your life.  Don't make decisions that will negatively impact the rest of your life, especially when it comes to family members.
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Absolutely. At the end of the day will you or will you not be married to the love of your life? Okay then! She can't sabotage that.

    It sounds to me like you should just include her as a BM - she can wear the dress and stand up with you and that is the END of her "duties". If you think she can handle that then it's worth preserving relationships to include her.
    Photobucket
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    Seriously, just do it. My sister got so drunk the night before my wedding that the groomsmen needed to use a wheelchair to bring her back to her room, and a security guard needed to poke her to make sure she wasn't dead. Seriously!!!

    The wedding isn't just about you and your fiance. It is also about your families. Whining about the wedding progress is not really sabotage.
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    edited June 2010
    I have a little different situation than you do, but it still has to do with a sister in the WP.  My sister (2 years older) has not been happy about my engagement at all. She was mean the day i told her I got engaged, and was mean when I told her the wedding plans, and when she came dress shopping with my mom and me.  She also told me she had another wedding in vermont the day before mine and might be able to drive down the morning of my wedding.  She told me before I was engaged, on the day I got engaged, on the day I went dress shopping, and when my parents tried to talk to her that she didn't want to be in the wedding party, and I'd be disrespecting her to still ask her (I was always planning on it until my parents talked with her about if she really didn't want me to ask her or if she was just being spiteful).  So, I didn't.  And yes, there are days where I'm upset about it.

    Is it your sister doesn't want to be in the WP and you're worried that forcing her is going to upset her and ruin your day, or are you just nervous cause of the person she is?  If you're not close and you would be really worried, then I'd ask her to do a reading.  I plan on asking my sister that and to have her walking in with my mom during the processional so she's still included.  And I get the mom thing - my mom is still very, very upset over this.
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    I think you should have her in your wedding.  Moms know best, and you never know, maybe having her in the wedding will draw you two closer together.  Not having her in your wedding could cause you not to be close for a long time... possibly forever.  People change, and if you ever do want to be close, you will have that memory together and there won't be any bitterness from what happened in the past.
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