Wedding Party

Wedding Party seating...... HELP!

We have 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen. My fiance wants to have a long head table at the reception for us and the wedding party..... 

All of my bridesmaids are bringing dates that really don't know anyone attending the wedding. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable sitting away from their date who is in the wedding party. And my 2 sisters (younger than me) are bridesmaids, they don't want to sit away from their dates.

I mentioned this to my fiance and he says who cares how they feel. I suggested doing a table for just the two of us and he doesn't want to.

Is this a weird concern of mine? What should I do? 

My wedding is 2 weeks from today, so I need to decide soon!
Thanks!
Katie 

Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!

  • Definitely not a weird concern - how would your fiance feel if you were in a wedding where he didn't know anyone and he had to sit by himself?  Couples shouldn't be separated.  Pretty sure that if we had done that to one of my BM's, her fiance most likely wouldn't have come as he's REALLY shy.  Try and push the sweetheart table for just the two of you.  Or - we sat with H's BM, my MOH & their dates + another BM/GM who were a couple.  At the table next to us, we had more of the wedding party & their dates - etc. 
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  • Your FI said, "WHO CARES HOW THEY FEEL??!!!"

    I need to process that for a few moments.    You are close to these people are you not?  They're your friends and family are they not?   So shouldn't YOU BOTH care how they feel?

    Why not sit with all your WP AND their dates.   Create a seating arrangement where the people are seated around the table rather than on one side of it.  It looked odd at the Last Supper and it looks odd at weddings.  That's a great option if your FI wants to sit with all the WP.

    But frankly his attitude about the matter is atrocious and his lack of concern makes me want to shake hm until he comes to an understanding of why you don't treat people like props.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:1b42269d-c412-41a0-a825-2a8cebf76514">Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen. My fiance wants to have a long head table at the reception for us and the wedding party.....  All of my bridesmaids are bringing dates that really don't know anyone attending the wedding. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable sitting away from their date who is in the wedding party. And my 2 sisters (younger than me) are bridesmaids, they don't want to sit away from their dates.<strong> I mentioned this to my fiance and he says who cares how they feel.</strong> I suggested doing a table for just the two of us and he doesn't want to. Is this a weird concern of mine? What should I do?  My wedding is 2 weeks from today, so I need to decide soon! Thanks! Katie 
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    And this isn't a red flag in your relationship... how?  These are supposed to be your very closest friends and family, and he's not remotely concerned with their feelings?

    He's wrong, completely and utterly.  Don't seat your attendants away from their dates.  You can do a table with the two of your and your parents, or you and your honor attendants and their dates. Or you could do a king's table, which is like the old-fashioned head table but people sit on both sides. There are plenty of options that don't entail separating people from their dates.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I don't think he said who cares how they feel. He said we don't need to worry about that and cater to every individual person.....


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:51cf4a11-1347-4fc7-b26a-7f54be85da43">Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think he said who cares how they feel. He said we don't need to worry about that and cater to every individual person.....
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    But these aren't every individual person.  They're the guests of honor at what is likely the most formal and important party you will ever host.  Balking at making the very most basic accommodations for them reflects very poorly on those hosts.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited July 2012
    OP, I would be careful with your wording.  I, too, did a double take at "he says who cares how they feel."  Alleging that he said this, if what he said was actually something else, paints him in a terrible light.

    Please find a way to sit each of your guests together with their dates/families.  Maybe it means a sweetheart table for you and your FI, or you elect to have a king's table with you and your FI and your BP members and their dates altogether, as others suggested.  It would be very inconsiderate of you to seat your BP members (or any of your guests) away from their dates.
  • Look, I know you said your FI didn't actually say something as horrible as "who cares how they feel," but it's still awful to sit guests apart from dates.  Your wedding party are your friends and loved ones, not your props.  Does he really care more about having a pretty but ultimately irrlevant visual then about having his guests be comfortable and happy?
  • Yeah, with everyone else on the sit them with their dates stuff.

    I just want to jump in about the stuff your fiance said. My fiance says things like that sometimes too, and I sort of have to stop and be like, but you do care you just are sick of talking about this right now

    I'm not sure many men are trained (by their mothers, by society, by whatever) to be accomodating the way women are. It's why many (not all!) "bachelor pads" are as uninviting as they are :) 

    Take the time to gently walk him through what it would be like if he had to sit away from you in a social situation. I think sometimes people recognize that they feel awkward in a social setting without examining what exactly made them feel awkward (thus allowing them to create the same situation when they host an event). It may take a few times for it to sink in, but he'll get it. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:1b42269d-c412-41a0-a825-2a8cebf76514">Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have 6 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen. My fiance wants to have a long head table at the reception for us and the wedding party.....  All of my bridesmaids are bringing dates that really don't know anyone attending the wedding. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable sitting away from their date who is in the wedding party. And my 2 sisters (younger than me) are bridesmaids, they don't want to sit away from their dates. I mentioned this to my fiance and he says<strong> who cares how they feel</strong>. I suggested doing a table for just the two of us and he doesn't want to. Is this a weird concern of mine? What should I do?  My wedding is 2 weeks from today, so I need to decide soon! Thanks! Katie 
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    And you are marrying this guy???

    You know there is an old saying that if a man is sweet and wonderful to you and an asshole to the waitstaff, at heart he is an asshole and that is how he will treat you eventually.  The same holds true here.  REALLY????  Who cares how they feel??????
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  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:51cf4a11-1347-4fc7-b26a-7f54be85da43">Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think he said who cares how they feel. He said we don't need to worry about that and cater to every individual person.....
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    Actually, in this case, yes you do.  It's one thing to say, I can't cater to every single dietary need out there or Aunt Phyllis being too cold when everyone else is fine or Uncle Vernon complaining that it is a beer and wine bar.  It's quite another to so callously say, I don't care that the WPs dates are going to be on their own.  Having a head table is more important than how uncomfortable they and the people we asked to be in the WP are (aka, Who cares how they feel).
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  • He is a great guy! I have made him out to be some crazy asshole and that's not correct!

    He just likes the idea of having a head table with all of our wedding party up there. It's a visual thing for him. And he says that they will only be seated for dinner and then can go mingle and dance with their dates. 

    I don't know how to convince him..... 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:279eec95-0e85-4716-8c34-f018263116b2">Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]He is a great guy! I have made him out to be some crazy asshole and that's not correct! He just likes the idea of having a head table with all of our wedding party up there. It's a visual thing for him. And he says that they will only be seated for dinner and then can go mingle and dance with their dates.  I don't know how to convince him..... 
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    It's not just dinner.  They're separated from their dates for the entire preceding day, as well.  What's the point of bringing a date if you can't hang out with them?  And why is a visual that he thinks will be cool more important than the feelings of others?  Especially when your sisters have already expressed that the idea makes them uncomfortable.

    I would have killed to be able to spend dinner with my then-FI at my sister's wedding.  I hadn't seen him all weekend (at a time when we only saw each other on weekends) and the entire affair was just crazy stressful, but the hall screwed up and we had to do the stupid Last Supper style table, so instead I had to make awkward small talk with my sister's friends on my immediate right and left (because it's pretty much impossible to talk to anyone else), while DH had to make awkward small talk with my family that he'd just met.  It was miserable, and it's still, several years later, the most prominent thing I remember about her wedding.  Not all of the other details or the bits that were actually fun; the thing that sticks out most was that horrible, wretched meal.

    You convince him by telling him to think about someone other than himself, and by telling him that you're not willing to put your family and friends through that.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:279eec95-0e85-4716-8c34-f018263116b2">Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]He is a great guy! I have made him out to be some crazy asshole and that's not correct! He just likes the idea of having a head table with all of our wedding party up there. It's a visual thing for him. And he says that they will only be seated for dinner and then can go mingle and dance with their dates.  I don't know how to convince him..... 
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    Try explaining to him that your wedding day is about love and you as a couple.  Why would you do something so rude as to split up other couples?  Also, it is not "just' dinner.  Any grown adult can eat by themselves but it is uncomfortable when everyone else at the table knows eachother and you don't want to jump into their conversation.  It's the whole day.  The WP will be with you pretty much from morning until (if your FI has his way) after dinner. 

    You can also tell him what we tell every bride who tries insisting on a head table for looks or because "that's how we do it out here."  People are more important than how something looks.  Honestly, I haven't seen a head table at a wedding in more than a decade.  All of them have been a sweetheart table for the B&G or the B&G sitting at a table with their parents or the B&G sitting at a table with their MOH, Best Man and their dates.  In other words, every time, the WP was seated with the guests.

    Finally, I don't know if you or he have ever sat at head tables.  I've had to endure three of them and couldn't wait to gulp down my dinner and get the hell out of there to find my date.  I don't know many people who like being on display, especially while they are eating.  Not to mention that you can only converse with the people to your immediate left and right (and if you are sitting on the end, you are usually eating in silence)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-seating-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1f851fdc-4a77-435d-a80b-67598512e824Post:279eec95-0e85-4716-8c34-f018263116b2">Re: Wedding Party seating...... HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]He is a great guy! I have made him out to be some crazy asshole and that's not correct! He just likes the idea of having a head table with all of our wedding party up there. It's a visual thing for him. And he says that they will only be seated for dinner and then can go mingle and dance with their dates.  <strong>I don't know how to convince him..... </strong>
    Posted by kleggitt1[/QUOTE]

    <div>"I'm sorry FI, but it's rude.  I refuse to be rude to our closest friends and family at our wedding.  These are our most honored guests, and I insist on making the wedding a great experience for them.  Your options are a sweetheart table, having the dates join us at the head table, or sitting with just MOH/BM and their dates.  Pick one.  I will not be asking my friends to sit away from their dates."</div>
  • As a PP said, you have to make him see it from your WP and guests' perspective.  I was in a wedding last summer where at least half of the WP had guests.  And guess what?  Half of the sweetheart table was empty because of it.  We found extra chairs and sat next to our dates.  It may have been rude on our parts, but we all felt it to be rude on the bride and groom's parts to make our dates sit next to people they've never met before.
  • I was at a wedding where my fiance was a GM. It was super awkward because I didn't know anyone and even though I sat at a table just a table or two away from the main table, like I said....super awkward. I wasn't happy until he finally came to sit with me. But, thankfully, they only had the WP sit at the head table for a few minutes to do pictures, and then most of the WP moved off to find their families and such. If you want to get some "ceremonial" type pictures with the WP group sitting together, that's fine. But no one should expect the WP dates to sit by themselves. I've been there, and it definitely stinks from the date's end.
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