Bridesmaid???

taylorrr84

Ok, so I have a great friend that I told just a couple of months ago that when I got engaged that I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now, unfortunately, I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun asking her. She can be really flakey. As in, she cancels plans often. Doesn't return calls. Doesn't follow through when she says she will do something. I'm afraid that she will be MIA when I start all of the planning. I want her to help because she is really good at planning things but don't know if I can rely on her. Should I tell her I have changed my mind?
ALSO.... Another problem I am having... I am going to have 3 maids total. It has always been the plan that  my childhood friend would be my MOH. But she lives in another state and I really think it would be better if my MOH was closer where she could help with planning. But she and I have been friends for over 20 years, I'm torn.
My other maid, with out a doubt one of my closest friends, really wants to be my MOH. I have told her that that spot was taken long long ago and has pouted about it some but has given me space. I would like for her to be my MOH but she admits that she is TERRIBLE at planning things. She is scattered. But I know I can depend on her if I need something.
I feel so selfish because I want a good planner to help with the wedding and for the bachelorette party.
So if I choose the reliable but bad planner over my life long friend, how do I tell my life long friend? I was the MOH in her wedding and feel obligated to have her be mine. But I am just closer to the bad planner, friendship wise.... ugh!
Sorry this all came out so scattered. This has been driving me crazy, trying to straighten it out without hurting feelings and no one having any animoscity.
Please help

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:cabe7cbf-1a5b-4d30-a708-92bb63f95201">Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so I have a great friend that I told just a couple of months ago that when I got engaged that I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now, unfortunately, I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun asking her. She can be really flakey. As in, she cancels plans often. Doesn't return calls. Doesn't follow through when she says she will do something. I'm afraid that she will be MIA when I start all of the planning. I want her to help because she is really good at planning things but don't know if I can rely on her. Should I tell her I have changed my mind? ALSO.... Another problem I am having... I am going to have 3 maids total. It has always been the plan that  my childhood friend would be my MOH. But she lives in another state and I really think it would be better if my MOH was closer where she could help with planning. But she and I have been friends for over 20 years, I'm torn. My other maid, with out a doubt one of my closest friends, really wants to be my MOH. I have told her that that spot was taken long long ago and has pouted about it some but has given me space. I would like for her to be my MOH but she admits that she is TERRIBLE at planning things. She is scattered. But I know I can depend on her if I need something. I feel so selfish because I want a good planner to help with the wedding and for the bachelorette party. So if I choose the reliable but bad planner over my life long friend, how do I tell my life long friend? I was the MOH in her wedding and feel obligated to have her be mine. But I am just closer to the bad planner, friendship wise.... ugh! Sorry this all came out so scattered. This has been driving me crazy, trying to straighten it out without hurting feelings and no one having any animoscity. Please help
Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]
1. You don't choose your BM according to who can help you.  Your BM are your nearest and dearest, not wedding planners.  If you need help planning your and your FIs wedding and your FI is not enough help then you hire a planner.  BM are not free labor.  If they offer to help, yay!, if not then they're not obligated.<div>
</div><div>2. The same rule applies to your MOH.  It's not who can help you more or who does more for you.  You also don't need to be commited to something said when you were kids nor is it a tit for tat thing.  Pick who you feel is your closest.  If they are all equally close to you, there's no rule saying that you need a MOH.  They can all be BM.</div><div>
</div><div>3. You don't get a say in your bachelorette party or shower unless the host asks for your opinion.  These parties are gifts given to you by the host, not a requirement.  Anyone can host these events, it does not have to be a WP member.  If no one offers to host these parties for you then you don't have one.</div>

andrea2473

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:cabe7cbf-1a5b-4d30-a708-92bb63f95201">Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so I have a great friend that I told just a couple of months ago that when I got engaged that I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now, unfortunately, I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun asking her. She can be really flakey. As in, she cancels plans often. Doesn't return calls. Doesn't follow through when she says she will do something. I'm afraid that she will be MIA when I start all of the planning. I want her to help because she is really good at planning things but don't know if I can rely on her. Should I tell her I have changed my mind? ALSO.... Another problem I am having... I am going to have 3 maids total. It has always been the plan that  my childhood friend would be my MOH. But she lives in another state and I really think it would be better if my MOH was closer where she could help with planning. But she and I have been friends for over 20 years, I'm torn. My other maid, with out a doubt one of my closest friends, really wants to be my MOH. I have told her that that spot was taken long long ago and has pouted about it some but has given me space. I would like for her to be my MOH but she admits that she is TERRIBLE at planning things. She is scattered. But I know I can depend on her if I need something. I feel so selfish because I want a good planner to help with the wedding and for the bachelorette party. So if I choose the reliable but bad planner over my life long friend, how do I tell my life long friend? I was the MOH in her wedding and feel obligated to have her be mine. But I am just closer to the bad planner, friendship wise.... ugh! Sorry this all came out so scattered. This has been driving me crazy, trying to straighten it out without hurting feelings and no one having any animoscity. Please help
Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]

Hire a wedding planner.   Bridesmaids and MOH's are not free labor.  Yes, it's nice when they want to help, but it is not required and not a reason to base a decision.  

taylorrr84

Thank you all for your posts. I realize how it came across, like they are "free labor" people in my life. That is not that case. All 3 are very anxious to help. But reading your posts have clarified it for me. Thank you.

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:cabe7cbf-1a5b-4d30-a708-92bb63f95201">Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]... I feel so selfish ....Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]

Because you are.


Plan your own wedding. And honor your friends for who they are, not what they can do for you.

EDIT: Saw your response. Again, while it's nice that they've offered to help, that still doesn't mean you should choose your BM because of who can *actually* do the most for you. You said some are flakey or unreliable. Don't give them tasks that have a strict deadline or require any kind of specificity. That way if they don't come through, you aren't screwed. And remember, you knew they were this way but love them as friends anyway.

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:cabe7cbf-1a5b-4d30-a708-92bb63f95201">Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so I have a great friend that I told just a couple of months ago that when I got engaged that I wanted her to be a bridesmaid. Now, unfortunately, I'm thinking maybe I jumped the gun asking her. She can be really flakey. As in, she cancels plans often. Doesn't return calls. Doesn't follow through when she says she will do something. I'm afraid that she will be MIA when I start all of the planning. I want her to help because she is really good at planning things but don't know if I can rely on her. Should I tell her I have changed my mind?

<strong>Is she always flakey?  Is there something else going on in her life?  I would approach this as a friendship issue if she hasn't always cancelled on plans.  This is NOT a reason to remove her from your wedding party.  She does not need to help you plan.</strong>

ALSO.... Another problem I am having... I am going to have 3 maids total. It has always been the plan that  my childhood friend would be my MOH. But she lives in another state and I really think it would be better if my MOH was closer where she could help with planning. But she and I have been friends for over 20 years, I'm torn.

<strong>This person does not need to help you plan the wedding either.  If you need a wedding planner, then hire one.  Yes, its nice if people help you with projects along the way, but they have no obligation to do so.  If she offers to help throw the bachelorette, she can communicate just fine via email and cell phone.</strong>

My other maid, with out a doubt one of my closest friends, really wants to be my MOH. I have told her that that spot was taken long long ago and has pouted about it some but has given me space. I would like for her to be my MOH but she admits that she is TERRIBLE at planning things. She is scattered. But I know I can depend on her if I need something. I feel so selfish because I want a good planner to help with the wedding and for the bachelorette party. So if I choose the reliable but bad planner over my life long friend, how do I tell my life long friend?

<strong>You don't.  If you already asked the above friend to be MOH, you can't 'demote' her, that's a terrible thing to do to a friend.</strong>

I was the MOH in her wedding and feel obligated to have her be mine.

<strong>Do not feel obligated.  Wedding party participation is not tit for tat.</strong>

 But I am just closer to the bad planner, friendship wise.... ugh! Sorry this all came out so scattered. This has been driving me crazy, trying to straighten it out without hurting feelings and no one having any animoscity. Please help
Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]

<strong>If you remove someone from  your wedding party, or switch out MOH and BMs, there will be hurt feelings.  Period.  Its best you don't do it.</strong>

Preordained712

I'm sorry I have to stick up for you. I am having the same problem. My moh and bridesmaid live across the country. I have one bridesmaid that lives 15 min from me. I haven't heard a peep from her for 5 weeks and her husband is the best man. My moh try's to contact her and nothing. I have a wedding planner so she is not free labor to me. I want to include her for small stuff like hair trial and such. I want to tell her she is out but I feel bad ( I bought her dress so she is not out any money).

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:3d7e3839-0825-4160-9f30-7f5ac66672ba">Re: Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry I have to stick up for you. I am having the same problem. My moh and bridesmaid live across the country. I have one bridesmaid that lives 15 min from me. I haven't heard a peep from her for 5 weeks and her husband is the best man. My moh try's to contact her and nothing. I have a wedding planner so she is not free labor to me. <strong>I want to include her for small stuff like hair trial and such.</strong> I want to tell her she is out but I feel bad ( I bought her dress so she is not out any money).
Posted by Preordained712[/QUOTE]
Not everyone is interested in doing stuff like that, that doesn't make them bad bridesmaids.  DH was the only one who went to my hair trial.  Have you tried contacting her for anything other than your wedding?  No one likes a one-topic wonder.  It's important to remember that your attendants are supposed to be your friends first and foremost.  It would be really sad to end a friendship just because you don't feel they're paying enough attention to you.

mbcdefg

In Response to Re:Bridesmaid???:[QUOTE]I'm sorry I have to stick up for you. I am having the same problem. My moh and bridesmaid live across the country. I have one bridesmaid that lives 15 min from me. I haven't heard a peep from her for 5 weeks and her husband is the best man. My moh try's to contact her and nothing. I have a wedding planner so she is not free labor to me. I want to include her for small stuff like hair trial and such. I want to tell her she is out but I feel bad I bought her dress so she is not out any money. Posted by Preordained712[/QUOTE].

How the fucckking fucck do you include someone else in your own hair trial?

DBean00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:8db50d37-a511-4352-8157-735d0e663332">Re:Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid???:. How the fucckking fucck do you include someone else in your own hair trial?
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

LOL.  I'm in a wedding in August and the bride asked me to attend her trial this Friday.  Today I was thinking...."um, am I just supposed to sit there for hours?".  Obviously I will take pictures at the end, but do I need to be there in the beginning?

aerinpegadrak

I was kind of surprised that DH wanted to go along.  I had a DW and we made the day trip to Vegas just so I could have my hair and makeup trial, but I figured he'd want to go golfing or shopping or drinking or something because I thought he'd be bored just sitting there while I got worked on.

taylorrr84

Ok, just so I can clarify to the ones that are taking what I said to the extreme of friendship "labor"..... These 3 girls are my best friends. If I didn't value their opinions they wouldn't have been asked in the first place. I'm sorry, but I cannot afford a wedding planner, I'm doing it on my own, and when I made the reference of "them helping me plan," I meant that if I couldn't make my mind up about something or I wanted a valued second opinion that they would be the ones I would ask first. And any person that has been in more than one wedding as a MOH or BM or attendant knows that there is a lot of stress when it comes to planning a wedding. I have been in all three positions and I WANTED to help the bride as much as I could to help with her stress level. I think that any good friend would/should be willing to do that.
And yes, I do expect a bachelorette and bridal shower. That doesn't make me a selfish bride. And I would be more than happy to help plan it. It's a celebration. Why not have fun with it?
And one more thing.... I have not asked anyone to be my MOH (other than when we were younger).
In my mind... maybe my fantasy world.... I envisioned my MOH going with  me to look at fabrics and flowers, and shopping for decor and accessories for the wedding. THAT is why I was concerned about the distance thing.
Let it be clear, that I am not expecting or asking any of them to plan the wedding. I would like for them to be there for me, to help and give second opinions or to tell me that my idea is ridiculous or cheesy, to inspire a better idea. etc....

Definition of a bridesmaid: A bridesmaid is first and foremost someone who the bride wants to be a part of her wedding. Perhaps she is a sister, or a very close friend; her friendship and support of the marriage is meaningful.

More than that, a bridesmaid and/or maid-of-honor serves a practical purpose. During the hectic time of planning a wedding, she is a confidant, advice giver, doer of menial tasks, errand runner and more. A bride should have at least one bridesmaid (preferably the maid-of-honor) who is reliable, cheerfully helpful, organized, and who lives close to the bride.

Google it!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:0c2d98d3-dd43-46d4-bab7-d752d3df68e2">Re: Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, just so I can clarify to the ones that are taking what I said to the extreme of friendship "labor"..... These 3 girls are my best friends. If I didn't value their opinions they wouldn't have been asked in the first place. I'm sorry, but I cannot afford a wedding planner, I'm doing it on my own, and when I made the reference of "them helping me plan," I meant that if I couldn't make my mind up about something or I wanted a valued second opinion that they would be the ones I would ask first. And any person that has been in more than one wedding as a MOH or BM or attendant knows that there is a lot of stress when it comes to planning a wedding. I have been in all three positions and I WANTED to help the bride as much as I could to help with her stress level. I think that any good friend would/should be willing to do that. And yes, I do expect a bachelorette and bridal shower. That doesn't make me a selfish bride. And I would be more than happy to help plan it. It's a celebration. Why not have fun with it? And one more thing.... I have not asked anyone to be my MOH (other than when we were younger). In my mind... maybe my fantasy world.... I envisioned my MOH going with  me to look at fabrics and flowers, and shopping for decor and accessories for the wedding. THAT is why I was concerned about the distance thing. Let it be clear, that I am not expecting or asking any of them to plan the wedding. I would like for them to be there for me, to help and give second opinions or to tell me that my idea is ridiculous or cheesy, to inspire a better idea. etc.... Definition of a bridesmaid: A bridesmaid is first and foremost someone who the bride wants to be a part of her wedding. Perhaps she is a sister, or a very close friend; her friendship and support of the marriage is meaningful. More than that, a bridesmaid and/or maid-of-honor serves a practical purpose. During the hectic time of planning a wedding, she is a confidant, advice giver, doer of menial tasks, errand runner and more. A bride should have at least one bridesmaid (preferably the maid-of-honor) who is reliable, cheerfully helpful, organized, and who lives close to the bride. Google it!
Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]
There are plenty of sources that will tell you what a bridesmaid has to do.  Those sources are <em>wrong.</em>  A bridesmaid is one of your closest friends that you want to honor by having her stand beside you at your wedding.  Her duties begin and end with getting the dress (that is chosen with her comfort and budget in mind) and showing up for the ceremony.  If bridesmaids do anything else, it should be because they genuinely want to help, not because they're guilted into it by a demanding bride or dubious sources that only want your money and have no interest in making sure your friends return your calls after your six hours in the spotlight are done.

Not everyone gets a bachelorette party and/or shower.  I had neither, and I'm still just as happily married.  That one, you're going to have to suck it up and deal with.  There's no graceful way to demand that someone throw you a party.

It's good that you've wanted to help as a bridesmaid.  It's good that you value this girl's opinion.  However, clearly she has no interest in giving an opinion in the matter, because many people find wedding planning excruciatingly boring.  If you respect your friend and your friendship, let it go.  If you don't, by all means, kick her out so she can see exactly how little you value her and has the opportunity to get rid of a toxic person in her life.

Tami87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-21?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1fa6cdfc-00c7-44a7-baa1-5b7c9dcf18e0Post:0c2d98d3-dd43-46d4-bab7-d752d3df68e2">Re: Bridesmaid???</a>:
[QUOTE]More than that, a bridesmaid and/or maid-of-honor serves a practical purpose. During the hectic time of planning a wedding, she is a confidant, advice giver, doer of menial tasks, errand runner and more. A bride should have at least one bridesmaid (preferably the maid-of-honor) who is reliable, cheerfully helpful, organized, and who lives close to the bride. Google it!
Posted by taylorrr84[/QUOTE]

Well I guess I did it all wrong. None of my bridesmaids currently live in the same state as me. Nor have I asked my closest friends to do menial tasks or run errands for me. I have relied on my fiance (you know that guy I'm marrying whose wedding it also is?) to keep my stress levels down and help make sure everything is taken care of (and we are planning from long distance!).

While I won't lie and say it has been completely stress free, my FI and I were able to take care of everything on our own (currently 1 month to go!). Yes it sometimes sucks that my closest friends can't be there to go dress shopping or hang out and help me craft because that is something we enjoy doing together. But I picked my bridesmaids because they are my best friends, not because they are good wedding planners or what they could do for my wedding.