Sister bailing on me...more of a vent but I'll listen to any advice!

vwhitney2107

Let me just start by saying that I absolutely agree with the fact that no one in the wedding party has any responsibilities other than wearing the appropriate attire and showing up the day of.

With that said, my sister (MOH) is driving me crazy! She offers to help and we make plans to meet up, and then she bails on me last minute. This has been happening more and more. All of the girls wanted to get together to help me make invitations, she agrees to come, and she bails. She offers to go to my alterations appointment with me, and she bails. She makes plans with me to go look at shoes, and she bails. It's not the fact that she hasn't done much, it just bothers me so much when someone makes plans to do something and then they flake out at the last minute with excuse after excuse. It's always a different excuse every time! I mean if she doesn't want to go, then just tell me you don't want to go, it won't hurt my feelings.

The other thing that bothers me is my FI, as well as the other bridesmaids, have been asking me why she is even still in the wedding party. That just hurts. I would never in a million years kick anyone out of the wedding party, let alone my sister. Yeah she hasn't been showing up for things but like I said, she doesn't have to. I explained that to my FI and the bridesmaids but the only response I get is "Well if it was me she would have been kicked out a long time ago". I think maybe they are just as irked as I am that she has been bailing, but still, no reason to kick her out. All I can do is graciously smile and say that's not something I'm willing to do, she is my sister and I love her and she is staying put. But can she just stop bailing on me last minute all the time?!?! So irritating.

StacyJenniges

You know I think you are handling this correctly.   You are right to be irked she's making plans and then breaking them, it's something to be irked about period.  I think your right in now kicking her out.  I think venting is something you needed to do and I think you are handling this correctly. 

But since she's your sister maybe you can just ask her what's going on and let her know that if she doesn't want to go someplace or do something with you that she can say no and that you would prefer that than her bailing.

FutureJilliannD

Is she often flaky like that? It is one of my pet peeves and I would be super annoyed too.

I agree with PP. Talk to her and let her know you don't care if she doesn't want to come to stuff because you know no one is going to be as into your wedding as you, but that it is frustrating for her to say she will come and then n

mbcdefg

If this was always her behavior, I would just let it go. She's not going to change just because you're getting married. Some people are just flakes, period.

If this is brand-new behavior for her, I might visit or call her and say something like, "I always love hanging out with you and I feel like we don't get to do that anymore. Is there anything bothering you?" Don't mention the wedding but emphasize how close you were as friends.

Either way, I would just stop inviting her along to stuff. Or if you invite her along, go into it with the expectation that she will bail out and don't center your plans around her (meaning, don't organize things so that it'll be a major inconvenience if she doesn't show up). That way, you will be pleasantly surprised if she shows up, but not disappointed if she doesn't.

As for other people telling you boot her, I would just innocently say, "I always thought that the point of having bridesmaids was to honor someone you love, not to get people to do things for you. Surely you're not suggesting that I kick my sister out of my wedding because she's somehow 'not doing enough' for me, are you?" Hopefully that will embarrass them into shutting up.

hlq2011

I think you're handling it the best you can. 

I'd try talking to her, as PP said, and trying to get an idea of what's going on with her.  Is she bailing on non-wedding-related plans as well?  Maybe say something like, hey, we haven't hung out in a while.

And stop counting on her to show up to things like this.  It sucks, but if you don't expect her to show, it's a little less irritating when she doesn't.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-bailing-memore-of-vent-but-ill-listen-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2111167e-c5f6-4dbb-a4e9-5533b5ddcda5Post:ca7d8e2d-b3a7-4ab1-8924-7632af01805f">Sister bailing on me...more of a vent but I'll listen to any advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me just start by saying that I absolutely agree with the fact that no one in the wedding party has any responsibilities other than wearing the appropriate attire and showing up the day of. With that said, my sister (MOH) is driving me crazy! She offers to help and we make plans to meet up, and then she bails on me last minute. This has been happening more and more. All of the girls wanted to get together to help me make invitations, she agrees to come, and she bails. She offers to go to my alterations appointment with me, and she bails. She makes plans with me to go look at shoes, and she bails. It's not the fact that she hasn't done much, <strong>it just bothers me so much when someone makes plans to do something and then they flake out at the last minute with excuse after excuse. It's always a different excuse every time! I mean if she doesn't want to go, then just tell me you don't want to go, it won't hurt my feelings</strong>. Posted by vwhitney2107[/QUOTE]

I would tell her that. Ask if everything's ok, if there's a reason behind the flakiness, and if she doesn't offer one up, tell her that it's fine if she can't make it to things, but to please just say no if that's what's going to happen. Tell her it hurts your feelings when she bails at the last minute, and that you'd rather her just say that she's not going to come.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-bailing-memore-of-vent-but-ill-listen-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2111167e-c5f6-4dbb-a4e9-5533b5ddcda5Post:cfe4d29d-4565-47da-aa92-aef9aeae729f">Re: Sister bailing on me...more of a vent but I'll listen to any advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]If this was always her behavior, I would just let it go. She's not going to change just because you're getting married. Some people are just flakes, period. If this is brand-new behavior for her, I might visit or call her and say something like, "I always love hanging out with you and I feel like we don't get to do that anymore. Is there anything bothering you?" Don't mention the wedding but emphasize how close you were as friends. Either way, I would just stop inviting her along to stuff. Or if you invite her along, go into it with the expectation that she will bail out and don't center your plans around her (meaning, don't organize things so that it'll be a major inconvenience if she doesn't show up). That way, you will be pleasantly surprised if she shows up, but not disappointed if she doesn't. As for other people telling you boot her, I would just innocently say, "I always thought that the point of having bridesmaids was to honor someone you love, not to get people to do things for you. Surely you're not suggesting that I kick my sister out of my wedding because she's somehow 'not doing enough' for me, are you?" Hopefully that will embarrass them into shutting up.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Couldn't say it better. Listen to her and the other posters.

vwhitney2107

I will have to have a talk with her. It's not like her to bail on things and it has been happening with wedding and non-wedding related things.

But in the mean time, I just have to stop making plans with her so that I'm not so disappointed when she doesn't show.

Sarahkayfa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-bailing-memore-of-vent-but-ill-listen-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2111167e-c5f6-4dbb-a4e9-5533b5ddcda5Post:70c5a2d7-7f84-4ca3-9b86-54d48ea83646">Re: Sister bailing on me...more of a vent but I'll listen to any advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]I will have to have a talk with her. It's not like her to bail on things and it has been happening with wedding and non-wedding related things. But in the mean time, I just have to stop making plans with her so that I'm not so disappointed when she doesn't show.
Posted by vwhitney2107[/QUOTE]
 So this is a new thing? And it's happening with non-wedding related things too? Does she answer the phone? Respond to emails? Not just from you, from anyone? Have you considered she might be depressed?