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uwf_cole23

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Beachy730

You should pick her as your MOH because you are closest with her, not just to give her a role on your wedding day.  But if you truly feel that she is who you want as your MOH, then go ahead and ask her.  There's a good chance FI's birth mother will be upset by that as well, but you shouldn't have to plan your wedding around everyone else's hypothetical feelings. 

As for her age, don't even make that part of your consideration at all.  My matron of hnor was my aunt, who is 35.  I am 26, and my BMs were 24, 26, 27, and 28.  Can you tell which one she is? 
 

uwf_cole23

I agree, the age part doesnt bother me at all, I just dont want her to feel uncomfortable being in the party with all of us. But I guess I should talk to her about that if I decide to ask her. I already have a Maid of Honor, so would it be ok for me to have both? I have seen people in weddings before with both I just didnt know what the protocal is for that.

Beachy730

Yeah some people choose to have both a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor so they can give both people a special honor.  I had thought about it but personally preferred not to have both.  It was also an easy decision for me though who my MOH was.

If you choose only to have a maid of honor, you can easily make her a BM, which would obviously also be an honor.  But as you said, I would talk to her and see how she feels about it.  She may opt not to so she can spare the birth mother's feelings, but that's her choice.  I would just ask her to be in your WP the same way you ask all of your other BMs.  Don't say anything about not announcing her as a mother to spare birth mother's feelings.  Just say I would be honored if you would be my BM, or MOH, or whatever you pick for her. 

Belle2Be

I wouldn't, it will come across as choosing sides, and idealy you should be want to be switzerland, especially since you live a lot closer to the birth mom.
What does your FI think of the idea?
Would you invite her to be your MOH if her and the birthmom were best friends?

trix1223

I'm with belle on this one.  I'm not sure why, but I don't see your FMIL being thrilled with your FI's ex-SM being matron of honor in the wedding.  It just seems to be rubbing a relationship in your FMIL's face.

I'm not saying you can't have a good relationship with your FI's Ex- SM.  I think that's wonderful.  I just don't think that your wedding is the place to flaunt it.  Weddings are a rather huge emotional day for moms too, speaking as both a former MOG and MOB.

I'm trying to imagine how my best friend would feel if her son's bride had his step-mom in her WP.  Okay, I'm done imagining it.  She would HATE it.

I don't think this is a great way to start married life with your FMIL.  Sorry.

suz62984

I'm with Belle. My first thought was that this would be a bigger slap in the face than having her walk down the aisle and put in the program as step mother. To me it says "I'm not close with real mommy; I like step mom so much more. She's cooler and better in every way; we are really close (best buds). Who cares about FMIL sitting there in the seats." FMIL will be very upset and I can see why.

Personally, I would list her in the program as "Step-mother of the groom." I'm not completely sure but I think she would walk in first and be seated, then his real mother, bridal party, you.

Really think about what Belle said: If real mom wasn't in the picture would you still ask her to be MOH?

dawnmarie0627

Why can't she be listed in the program as the grooms stepmother?

uwf_cole23

You guys do make a very valid point, I could see it being a bigger deal to my FMIL. I just didnt want the ex-SM to feel like she was any less important than my FMIL. I would still ask her to be my MOH, but you guys are right .. it may make things worse. Since she is techinically not married to his father anymore that would be the only reason why FMIL would be upset about having her in the program as the Step-mom. (But she wont be completely happy anyway right?)

I'll have to just talk to step mom and reinforce the fact about how important she is to us.

Should I tell FMIL that step mom is going to be in the program or should I wait for her to see it?

aerinpegadrak

I'd tell her that step-mom is going to be in the program after they've been printed, but before the wedding, or even just show her the finished program without drawing attention to step-mom's inclusion.  That way she can get any freakouts over in advance, but it's too late for her to change anything.

I'm sure that his step-mom realizes that she's going to have to be diplomatic at the wedding.  List her in the program, have her formally seated with the other mothers, get her a corsage, invite her to get ready with you, get her the same gift as the parents are getting (or something along the same lines if they're getting different gifts), and be sure to take some special pictures with her and thank her for her role in your lives.  I'm sure that will be more than enough.

uwf_cole23

Ok great idea, thanks girls.