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Frustrated at MOH - sorry long vent

So I know that my wedding is over a year away but I like to start things early to have some wiggle room.  Anyway, my oldest sister is my MOH and we usually have a good relationship.  So we had planned for 2 weeks to do an initial BM dress shopping trip.  The day comes and she shows up hung over and not really dressed to try on dresses (i.e. no strapless bra) and with a bit of an attitude.  After a crappy first dress shopping experience we went to lunch where she continued to tell me that she was bummed that she couldn't be out riding her friend's motorcycle today and that she had to be here.  Then we went to DB for another appointment and sat in a chair outside the dressing room with a puss on her face and texting the entire time while I was off pulling dresses.  And she couldn't even feign a smile when she put anyone of them on but kept reminding me of how tired she was and how much she wanted to be home.
-I've done this for both my sisters and it wasnt' like this, I'm just so peeved b/c I feel like if you really wanted to be somewhere else that day then tell me b/c my FI agreed to come with me if she backed out.  I'd rather not have her there then for her to have behaved like that...it just totally ruined the day.
(mind you she's 5 years older than me)

Re: Frustrated at MOH - sorry long vent

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    It's all well and good if YOU want to get a head start on plans.

    But you need to remember that not everyone else feels that way. It's your wedding and you can plan what you want, but that manta doesn't work if other people are involved in that particular situation.

    There is ZERO need to shop for bridesmaids' dresses over a year away from your wedding. For various reasons ... you might change your mind on the color/style, your entire wedding "theme" might change in a year's time, your sister might gain or lose weight and then have to get an entirely new dress, the shop might discontinue the dress before the BMs can order and then you're back to square one, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps your sister was concerned about this ... "Why did I have to come here today when we might very well have to start this process over in six months?"

    I agree that, if she agreed to come, then she shouldn't complain if she was given an option not to come. However, how many posts have you read here or in a bridal magazine or on a bridal TV show where a bride says, "My bridesmaids are such biitches, I asked them to come dress shopping with me and they said they were busy! What awful friends!"? It's a lose-lose situation for her ... either she misses a day of social plans and has to try on dresses with you, or she keeps her social plans but might have to deal with you complaining about what a bad bridesmaid she is (even if you wouldn't do that, the fear is probably still there).

    YOU can plan stuff early if you want. But if it involves other people, then do not involve them until the appropriate time. NOBODY WILL EVER BE AS EXCVITED FOR YOUR WEDDING AS YOU ARE. It doesn't mean that they don't like you.

    There's no reason why you should be asking your bridesmaids to go dress shopping more than six months away from your wedding. And that's all they have to do for your wedding. Anything more than that - if they want to help out or get involved, they will come to you and say so (and most good friends will do this, but be aware that this is less frequent when the bride is constantly asking things of them, even "voluntary" things). Otherwise, if they get the dress and show up, they've fulfilled their duty.
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    listen to malphabet
    she is wise
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    I went BM dress shopping with my friend the other day for her wedding in March. I was super excited and yet didn't wear a strapless bra because I just forgot, so stop being so nit picky on that one.

    But other than that, bummer that the day wasn't what you'd expected, but it's fine. If she's already married, which it sounds like, she knows that you're jumping the gun here and don't need to be doing this for another six months. So maybe she agreed to go, but then the combination of having something better to do and being hung over meant she was less than excited about it. Put dress shopping on hold until the end of the year, and see if she's any more into it then.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-moh-sorry-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:242cd5d8-dd67-4a74-898e-e670935b2924Post:b0bab5c2-be64-4113-87d1-6595b5fbe2aa">Frustrated at MOH - sorry long vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I know that my wedding is over a year away but I like to start things early to have some wiggle room.  Anyway, my oldest sister is my MOH and we usually have a good relationship.  So we had planned for 2 weeks to do an initial BM dress shopping trip.  The day comes and she shows up hung over and not really dressed to try on dresses (i.e. no strapless bra) and with a bit of an attitude.  After a crappy first dress shopping experience we went to lunch where she continued to tell me that she was bummed that she couldn't be out riding her friend's motorcycle today and that she had to be here.  Then we went to DB for another appointment and sat in a chair outside the dressing room with a puss on her face and texting the entire time while I was off pulling dresses.  And she couldn't even feign a smile when she put anyone of them on but kept reminding me of how tired she was and how much she wanted to be home. -I've done this for both my sisters and it wasnt' like this, I'm just so peeved b/c I feel like if you really wanted to be somewhere else that day then tell me b/c my FI agreed to come with me if she backed out.  I'd rather not have her there then for her to have behaved like that...it just totally ruined the day. (mind you she's 5 years older than me)
    Posted by Lapontoona6[/QUOTE]

    Ditto malphabet. She said everything I was thinking.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited August 2010
    holy early to be looking at bridesmaids dresses!

    My sister and I did some bridesmaid dress and wedding dress things together - I think, in total, we spent about five different days doing appointments.  Was I cranky some days?  Yup.  Life was going on for me as well and times were stressful (or maybe I was hungover).  My attitude on one particular day didn't really set in stone the way I felt about her wedding.  I am THRILLED for her; I was just having a bad day.

    Give her the benefit of the doubt and some room to not do wedding stuff for you over-a-year-away-wedding for awhile and it'll be okay.
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    When I was a MOH in a wedding last year, I had to sit through my friend trying on a ton of dresses.  I even tried on dresses so she could see how it looked on someone else.  I was happy and excited for her..for awhile.  After so long it just drug on.  I told a little white lie and got the hell out of dodge after 4 hours.  When I went shoppong I got wise and just took my family.  I went shopping with my BMs once...they picked what they liked, we had lunch and that was it. Otherwise, my friends haven't helped with anything. I don't need it.  You are going to have to get over your wedding a bit.  It's a very exciting day, but others don't really care about all the little details.  Why should they?  And it's way to early for them to pick dresses.  Take one day much closer to the wedding, pick a dress and move on.  Very simple.  And the other girls are right, no one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do.  And that's okayl
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    Lapontoona6Lapontoona6 member
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    edited August 2010
    While i understand where you all are coming from it was her idea to go bridesmaid dress shopping to begin with.  and i understand that life happens for everyone but if you know that you're going to be dress shopping the next day don't you think you would not get trashed the night before knowing that you're going to feel hung over?  and if you want to be somewhere else, for my benefit don't remind me of it every 10 minutes. 
    I'm not asking her to be as excited as I am - nor am I one of those brides who thinks that everyone should be super involved or think that my wedding should be the forefront of everyone's business and schedules. 
    We both knew when we were talking about going that we weren't going to pick or buy the dress that day, it was supposed to be a fun sisterly time to be silly and spend some much needed time together.
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    Is she not married?
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    no she's been married for 4 years
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-moh-sorry-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:242cd5d8-dd67-4a74-898e-e670935b2924Post:d283cdac-94b3-446a-9d62-a910a367e372">Re: Frustrated at MOH - sorry long vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]While i understand where you all are coming from it was her idea to go bridesmaid dress shopping to begin with.  and <strong>i understand that life happens for everyone but if you know that you're going to be dress shopping the next day don't you think you would not get trashed the night before knowing that you're going to feel hung over?</strong>  and if you want to be somewhere else, for my benefit don't remind me of it every 10 minutes.  I'm not asking her to be as excited as I am - nor am I one of those brides who thinks that everyone should be super involved or think that my wedding should be the forefront of everyone's business and schedules.  We both knew when we were talking about going that we weren't going to pick or buy the dress that day, it was supposed to be a fun sisterly time to be silly and spend some much needed time together.
    Posted by Lapontoona6[/QUOTE]

    If I have something very important to do the next day, then I won't be hungover.  But dress shopping?  I'm going to go out as usual.

    I hear you that you are upset she wasn't more "into" it, but you have to let it go.  It was a bad day.  She said and did things that were a little hurtful, but what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't reflect how she feels about being a MOH or your wedding. 

    Take a deep breath and ask her to go to lunch, watch a movie, and hang out for some sisterly time.  Don't let so much hang on one dress shopping experience.  It'll be okay!
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    Yeah, I'm with Joy. I don't put shopping on my list of "things that require that I be so alert I really need to make sure I'm not hungover for them."

    So ok, she suggested it and then ended up having something better to do (and a raging headache) but didn't cancel on you. I get that it's annoying that she would keep mentioning the motorcycle, but she probably figured it was better to at least go and keep your date even if she didn't much want to be there rather than flake on you at the last minute. So it sucks, I agree, but oh well. Not worth getting worked up over.
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    Is she normally like this?
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    I think your sister was wrong and very rude. No one forced her to go with you. She agreed in advance to go with you. It was very rude of her to act so bored and disinterested and complain about being there.

    I would not ask her to go with you again.
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    I'd relax a bit for now.

    I don't think this is really that bad a situation since you're so early in the planning stages that she doesn't need to do much.  Keep in mind that she has been married before so she may already know that in the preliminary stages, you don't need to be all gung-ho about dresses.

    That said, I'll agree that if she planned the event she should have a better attitude, but it's so early right now that it may be best to just forget about the attitude.

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    It's too early to do anything. If I was MOH and the bride started dragging me places over a year out, I'd be pretty pissy too because I'd feel it was going to lead to an entire year of demands.

    It sucks that she showed up hung over. She could have shown a little more tact and been more pleasant, for sure. But some people just don't care about weddings and don't get excited about them, so you can't expect everyone to jump for joy whenever you plan an outing.
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    Dude, my MOH got her dress six weeks before the wedding.  I think you have time.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Seshat411
    -she is the one who planned the outing. 
    i'm just frustrated b/c it's my sister and heaven forbid I expect a little more from her.  She doesn't normally go out and get hammered which is why I was a little more shocked and surprised at this particular instance. 
    Me having more than a year makes little difference at this point - it's her lack of consideration but I'm coming to realize through most of these boards that unless someone in the WP attacked the bride or groom or committed some other heinous act, the bride is the one who is told to suck it up and stop being so self-involved. 
    Is it really too much to ask that if these people who supposedly love you so much have the common decency to be present especially if they've agreed to be your MOH or in the BP?  It shouldn't matter if it's dress shopping or just a regular lunch out with friends, no-one would just brush off bad behavior but b/c of shows like Bridezillas it's apparently okay to treat others with less respect than normal and blame them should they stand up and balk against that behavior.
    Lessoned learned for me.
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    I don't think that anyone is saying that i's OK to treat others with less respect than normal.

    I totally agree that she was out of line to be a pain in the tush throughout the shopping trip.

    But this seems to be a sister thing and not a MOH thing.

    And for right now, you have so much time that it's not worth letting this upset you.    You don't need to really choose dresses until you're about six months out from the wedding.

    And please remember that buying the dress and being there are the only two real requirements that she actually has.  No, she shouldn't just "do the minimum" (to quote Office Space), but you also shouldn't require a ton either.  It sort of works both ways in that regard.

    For now, since you have so much time, my advice is to not involve her.  Do things without her and if she asks questions about getting involved just say, "You didn't seem to want to do things last time and that's OK.  I'll do this with (FI, mom, insert friend's name)."
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    I think people are just pointing out that you now know that your sister will be a pain in the butt with wedding-related outings, so it's probably best not to involve her in stuff when you're over a year away from your wedding. Otherwise, you're going to be super-annoyed over the next few months.

    I think pretty much everyone's agreed with you that she should have dropped the attitude when she was the one who agreed to go on the shopping trip (and especially since she was the one who planned it). So it's not like we're saying that she has the right to be nasty to you.

    Lesson learned - if she asks you to go on a wedding-related outing, either go into it EXPECTING her to be a complanier (and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised if she decides to put on a happy face), or just say, "No thanks" if you're not in the mood to deal with her attitude.
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    bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited August 2010
    My sister is a PITA in life in general.  So when I asked her to be my MOH, I did so with the expectation that she was going to be a PITA and to not expect any different.  Guess what?  She was a HUGE PITA about everything.  But that's how she is.  It sounds like that's how your sister is.  So why did you expect her to change?  Just because you are now engaged does not mean she will get her act together.

    No one's saying it's okay for the WP to disrespect you.  But there's also nothing you can do--you can't take her out behind the shed and tell her she needs to be more excited for you, more interested in the wedding, or more willing to work on your timetable.  It sucks, but it's true.  You may be the bride, but you don't get to play wedding police either.  ETA: In other words, take the wedding out of it and deal with the relationship and how she disrespects you, sister-to-sister, not Bride-to-MOH.

    As someone who's now been married for a year, I too would be disinterested if I was going BM dress shopping a year in advance.  I know it's too early, I know that it's going to sit in my closet for a month, I'd be perturbed that I'd have to spend the money now when it might not be convenient for me to do so.  I know better, basically.  Should I be rude to the bride for it?  Absolutely not.  But that's how I would be feeling.
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    OP -  I do know how you feel.  I have seen that on these boards too and it frustrates me.  But, what I think everyone is saying is that sure, it is okay to lean on your friends during wedding planning, ie ask their opinions, let them know that you booked that great venue, etc. but don't go over the top!  It sucks that your sis wasn't super excited, but you have to get over that.  She will be there for you 100% of the way on your day, zipping up your dress, keeping you calm and wiping your tears.  Those will be the times when she is really needed and I bet she comes through.

    My MOH is 18, (I am 27) so weddings and marriage are pretty much off of her radar.  She hasn't helped me with anything, but I have certianly told her things along the way.  She is my MOH because I couldn't imagine anyone else standing next to me as I take my vows.  Your sis will come through on your day.  Just relax!
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    If my sister/MOH was complaining about being there and obviously disinterested, I would have left the store and told her that since she doesn't want to be there she can leave. There is no reason for a bride to have to put up with such a rude person.
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    Lilou, I don't think that's fair.  When someone posts, "My MOH didn't want to go to my cake tasting she's such a bad friend zomg how can I kick her out!?!?" what else are people supposed to think?  If there's more to the story, fine, but people can't be blamed for not knowing the whole story when they haven't been told the whole story.  I'd also say a good 50% of the bride-WP problems are friendship problems that already existed before the wedding and the bride is either just now realizing it or thought the wedding would change things, but I'd say another third or so are brides whose expectations are inappropriate and she needs to come back to reality before she hurts her friendships irreparably.  I let a friendship with a bride fade after she got out of hand while planning her wedding (though we still talk on occasion), and two other friends of mine outright stopped speaking to a bride they'd been friends with since she was 5 because she was going overboard.  I have yet to hear of a BM who was actually bad and tried to ruin things IRL, and the only one who comes close is my own sister, and even then it wouldn't have been appropriate of me to say anything and I'm so glad now I didn't.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    Actually Brooke, I do agree with you, but maybe I didn't make myself clear. 

    I have seen before, and felt the way the OP said she did, like you can't talk at all about the wedding.  But that isn't true, and I DON'T think that's what anyone else is saying.  What everyone is saying is exactly what you have said before, you cannot go over the top.  Life goes on around the wedding.  The OP didn't quite post something bridezilla-ish....but she feels that she can't talk about her wedding at all because of what she has seen posted.  I just was trying to say that isn't what anyone on these boards would be saying.  Sorry if I confused you or anyone else.
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    I'm sorry it wasn't the experience you wanted it to be, but it sounds like she just isn't all that into dress shopping and just wasn't up to doing much of anything that day. I wouldn't read too much into it honestly. I know that if it were me I would really rather have the bride just tell me (via email) what dress to get and I would go shopping or order it at my convenience. Going out and trying on dressing (or watching someone else try on dresses) is just not my idea of a fun day at all. Doesn't mean I don't love my friend or am not excited about her wedding. Maybe she just isn't that into it and that is ok. I can see why you be annoyed with her general attitude but I wouldn't harp on it too much, just don't ask her to do wedding stuff anymore (or for awhile) and just spend time with her as a friend like you normally do.
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    while i understand your positions i think you guys are failing to read that this was HER IDEA in the first place.  This was supposed to be a silly day where we tried on some good dresses, some ridiculous dresses and just hung out.  There was no expectation of buying (which btw she doesn't have to pay for the dress anyway)
    and it's not like i'm ready to jump off a bridge or cut her out of my wedding here, I was simply trying to vent on a post where I thought other people would understand but I'm realizing that the image portrayed of a "bride" complaining about her BP is a snivviling brat who wants everything to go her way.  Relax, I was simply just venting since the one person I would normally talk to about this stuff is my sister who I'm disappointed in.
    ---

    BTW BabblingBrooke, random question but do you or have you ever worked for Enterprise Rent a Car?  I've not heard anyone else who doesn't/hasn't use the acroynym PITA
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    Nope.  I'm pretty sure I picked it up on the boards.
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    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
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    Lap, I don't think anyone thinks you're sniveling.  I think most people are saying that it's just time to let it go.
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