What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?

nrdmailbox

HELP!

My fiance (after months of debating) has finally chosen his best man and I can't STAND him. My fiance knows that we do not get along at all. He's tried to put us together in group dinners and outings to ease the tension and have everyone "play nice" for his benefit, but it hasn't worked for a variety of reasons.

This weekend, my groom and I had dinner with the best man and a few of my fiance's friends. He decided to make an extremely hurtful remark about my mother in front of everyone that sent me running to the bathroom to avoid tears. That was the tip of the icberg for me.

My fiance said he no longer will "hang out" with both of us at the same time because it always ends badly. He admits what his friend said was wrong, but says his decision is made and this guy is FOR SURE the best man at the wedding!!!

What do I do?! I can't imagine this guy saying anything nice about our relationship or about me during his speech and every wedding function that we are both present at will be tension-filled.

HELP!

gottahavashorti

He needs to talk to the BM about treating you cordially, and that means no insults.  I would be disappointed if DH was friends with someone who spoke badly about me, but your FI's WP is his decision.

The BM doesn't have to give a speech.  Just eliminate the toasts or just have one from you and FI.

Is this repeat behavior?  Is he the only one playing dirty, or are you mean to him as well?  Why don't you and the BM get along? 

banana468

When this guy made the comment about your mom, what did your FI do?

If he makes offensive comments to you in your FI's presences, what does your FI do?

What sorts of things does this guy do that you can't stand?

Because if he's really offensive to you and your FI doesn't stick up for you, be prepared that your FI has made his choice.  And by not defending you, that speaks volumes about your FI...and the volumes aren't saying a lot that's great.

stina93446

Have your fi talk to him.....but you really can't dictate who stands on his side.

EDIT: If he's not nipping this guy in the butt for insulting you, and he's refusing to stop hanging out with him, there is a bigger issue here. I just feel like if he's hanging out with this guy while you're not around, the bm will be insulting you when you're NOT there. This is bad news. you need to talk to your FI.

loop0406

Hopefully he will keep the toast short and simple. If not, make sure your fiance grabs the microphone from him. Not much you can do since your fiance is firm on his decision

mbcdefg

If your fiance is willingly friends with a guy who will put you/your family down in front of your FI, then your beef is with your FI and not the friend.

You should step back and think about if you really want to marry a guy who will allow his "friends" to treat you like dirt. This guy being Best Man is the LEAST of your worries here.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hate-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25bbc4d5-bb05-4237-a458-3fcd886f744aPost:ac0dfac6-f256-4d8e-a31a-e8188716ecbb">What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?</a>:
[QUOTE]HELP! My fiance (after months of debating) has finally chosen his best man and I can't STAND him. My fiance knows that we do not get along at all. He's tried to put us together in group dinners and outings to ease the tension and have everyone "play nice" for his benefit, but it hasn't worked for a variety of reasons. This weekend, my groom and I had dinner with the best man and a few of my fiance's friends. He decided to make an extremely hurtful remark about my mother in front of everyone that sent me running to the bathroom to avoid tears. That was the tip of the icberg for me. <strong>My fiance said he no longer will "hang out" with both of us at the same time because it always ends badly. He admits what his friend said was wrong, but says his decision is made and this guy is FOR SURE the best man at the wedding!!! What do I do?! I</strong> can't imagine this guy saying anything nice about our relationship or about me during his speech and every wedding function that we are both present at will be tension-filled. HELP!
Posted by nrdmailbox[/QUOTE]

What do you do? If it were me, I'd be seriously reconsidering marrying a guy who doesn't have the balls to stand up for me to his jackass friends.

You know you have a lifetime of this ahead of you, right? And once you say "I do," you lose the right to complain about any of this.

janedoe1113a

I'm also curious how your FI reacts when his BM says this kind of stuff.  If he doesn't stick up for you, you have a bigger problem.

nrdmailbox

This is a repeat offense. And in general, I am not mean or rude to him. He treats everyone horribly, especially his wife- whom he calls fat and says "looks pregnant" in front of other people. We're both stubborn people, but he has a history of treating everyone badly. He just chooses to single me out because I don't let him talk to me the way he talks to other people.

My fiance has actually HIT HIM IN THE FACE in the past for things he has said about me. It baffles my mind that he defends him so adamantly, saying "He's a good guy underneath, really."

I have yet to see that good guy he talks about.

suz62984

You can't decide who your FI has stand on his side...just like he can't decide on your BMs.

He needs to grow a pair and talk to this guy about the way he treats you! My concern is not about this guy being a GM. My concern is that your FI doesn't stand up for you. He knows how you feel about this guy and seems to have made no effort to make it better other than a few dinners where he throws you in a room together and hopes it gets better. Just separating you will do nothing other than make the wedding day tense. Talk to your FI about how this guy makes you feel and see what he has to say. Wedding aside, I think you have bigger issues with your FI here.

Edit: Just saw your second post... I'm not a fan of ultimatums; however, if it got a lot worse it would defiantly be a he's at the wedding or i'm at the wedding but both of us won't be there situation.

nrdmailbox

He will usually step in and say something if he says anything too crazy. At this particular dinner, he told him to be careful in making "jokes" about my family. Even with the warning, the BM made the comment anyway.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hate-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25bbc4d5-bb05-4237-a458-3fcd886f744aPost:5085b73e-8bd2-488b-928b-7c1190fbd4bc">Re: What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>This is a repeat offense.</strong> And in general, I am not mean or rude to him. He treats everyone horribly, especially his wife- whom he calls fat and says "looks pregnant" in front of other people. We're both stubborn people, but he has a history of treating everyone badly. <strong>He just chooses to single me out because I don't let him talk to me the way he talks to other people.</strong> [/QUOTE]

Um, if you "don't let him talk to you the way he talks to other people" but the way he talks to you is a repeat offense, you're letting him talk to you the way he talks to other people.

[QUOTE]My fiance has actually HIT HIM IN THE FACE in the past for things he has said about me.<strong> It baffles my mind that he defends him so adamantly,</strong> saying "He's a good guy underneath, really." I have yet to see that good guy he talks about.
Posted by nrdmailbox[/QUOTE]

Whoop-de-do, he hit him. The guy still comes around and still says horrible things about/to you, and <em>your FI allows this</em>. He's choosing him over you. Again, why do you want to sign up for a lifetime with a guy who refuses to stand up for you?

CTGirl30

Serious red flags here.  My husband would NOT stand for that - I don't care if it was his best friend in the world who made a comment with the intent to hurt my feelings. It would be the first and last one the guy made - either b/c DH set him straight right then and there or DH decided he would no longer associate with someone who blatantly direspects his wife the way this "best man" is blatantly direspecting you (and apparently his own wife). 

I think it's very sad your FI doesn't stand behind you in this.

mbcdefg

This is an issue between you and your FI.

If your FI allows it to continue and keeps being friends with this guy, then he is NOT backing you up. End of story. If he was really putting you first, then he'd drop this guy like a hot potato.

Sounds like you and your FI need a heart-to-heart about this. And I agree that an ultimatium may be in order ... not just about this guy not being Best Man, but about your FI not associating with him anymore.

Jelenny

I hate to say it all the knotties before me hit the nail on the head....spending time between the two of you is no resolution....

I can tell you that if anyone insulted or hurt me in anyway my FI would not tolerate it, at the same time we are in a place right now that his friends ar THRILLED we are getting married because they know he is happy...likewise with my girls.  There is no divide....

[Deleted User]

It says something none-too-flattering about your FI that he continues to be friends with this guy. I'd say a serious re-evaluation is in order. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't stick up for you or your family? Why are you with a guy who punches his friends in the face then continues to let said friend treat you like crap?

Something seems off. You and your FI need to have a serious talk.

CurlyGirlyGirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hate-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25bbc4d5-bb05-4237-a458-3fcd886f744aPost:8017c01f-940f-488e-b35c-84328b7cbd67">Re: What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have your fi talk to him.....but you really can't dictate who stands on his side.
Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely disagree.  If he's rude to you, I have an issue with your FI not saying anything.</div>

stina93446

I wrote that before more info was written.

marinabreeze

Ditto the PPs.  Even if your FI hit the best man in the face, he still is friends with the guy AND he's your FI's best man.  If he is disrespecting you AND your family, your FI needs to grow a pair and cut the "friend" off.  Otherwise, it doesn't sound like he's truly ready for marriage.

My FI has a best man that I have never liked all that much, because when FI and I first started dating, apparently the guy told him he didn't want FI to date me because of my appearance.  FI had told him that he needed to get over it.  BM is not one to hold his tongue and he is known to say rude things in general, but he has NEVER disrespected me to my face and has been nothing but cordial to me.  After seeing how happy FI is with me, he respects FI's decision to be with me, and is very supportive of the marriage.  That's all I can ask of him, and so I have no problem with my FI having the guy as his BM.  But if the BM treated me crappy, then that would be a different story.

When two people get married, it's not just being into each other for life, it's the decision to create a family with someone else (whether you and your FI decide to have children or not)...you and your FI will go from dating to becoming a family.  Therefore, your life is his, and vice versa.  And his actions demonstrate that he's not there at this point.  If you and him don't get this issue figured out and resolved before you say "I do," then you'll be in a world of hurt later.

stina93446

What a weird friendship that your FI has with this guy that he can bash his face in and they're still all good.

janedoe1113a

I agree with everyone else.  Your FI is letting his friend be rude to you.  That is not okay.  He needs to stand up for his wife.

Simply Fated

My fiance said he no longer will "hang out" with both of us at the same time because it always ends badly.

Aaaand then he goes and makes this guy his best man at the wedding.
Your fiance is aware that you, too, will be attending this wedding, right?

nrdmailbox

Apparently that fact has escaped him. I spoke to him again today about defending me and making tough decisions.

He said he is not willing to lose his friend of 25 years. I let him know that i am not asking him to give up the friendship. I am asking him to give his friend FINAL notice that if he can't be respectful to me, my FI will not be spending time with him.

MY FI is telling me that I am being disrespectful by making such a big deal out of this. All I am asking for is him to stand up to this guy in defense of his FUTURE WIFE.

bablingbrooke

IMHO, if you're resorting to ultimatums the relationship is in dire shape.   

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hate-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25bbc4d5-bb05-4237-a458-3fcd886f744aPost:d1ee53c0-f656-468b-a933-fa8d0c8a7492">Re: What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?</a>:
[QUOTE]Apparently that fact has escaped him. I spoke to him again today about defending me and making tough decisions. He said he is not willing to lose his friend of 25 years. I let him know that i am not asking him to give up the friendship. I am asking him to give his friend FINAL notice that if he can't be respectful to me, my FI will not be spending time with him. MY FI is telling me that I am being disrespectful by making such a big deal out of this. <strong>All I am asking for is him to stand up to this guy in defense of his FUTURE WIFE.</strong>
Posted by nrdmailbox[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>IMHO, if he can't see this....ugh, maybe you two should see a counselor over it. I hope the best for you, but I really don't like that he's not more compassionate and understanding towards you.</div>

megk8oz

The way I see this, there are really only 2 ways around this:

1) You make your FI choose between you (Not really a fan of this one)

or

2) Seek couples counseling.

There is no way your marriage stands a chance if he really thinks the only solution is keeping you and the BM separated ... especially since him being the BM entails both of you attending the wedding. To me, it honestly sounds like he's choosing his friend over you, no matter how he tries to sugar-coat it for you. And frankly, nobody should marry somebody that is going to put somebody else first (Especially a total jerk that he's resorted to punching in the face in the past).

This is going to remain a problem for "as long as you both shall live", unless you get it taken care of now. Get your butts to a counselor toute de suite.

FWIW, DH would dump a friend of 25 years in less than 25 seconds if said friend couldn't at the very least grant me civil respect.

aerinpegadrak

My husband made it very clear when we got together that anyone who had a problem with me had a problem with him.  He was terrified to introduce me to his mother because she always hated his girlfriends (for the record, we get along fine), but he assured me that if she tried to cause problems, he'd cut her off.  His own MOTHER.

The fact that he's not willing to let go of such a toxic friend is a really, really bad sign.  He's chosen this guy over you, no two ways about it.  Now you have to decide whether you're willing to tolerate that.

stina93446

Another thing to think about; My own inlaws have said things that bother me and DH will tell them that they can't say those things or that they are being rude and hurtful. Your FI should be doing the same.

hugz415

I noticed your FI referred to his friends disrespectful comments as "jokes".  I am pretty sure we have all met this person before...the insecure guy who makes disrespectful "jokes" at everyone's expense to make himself feel better about being a loser.  Maybe try feeling sorry for him and his pathetic self rather than getting mad about it.

Either that or if your FI is not willing to lose his "friend" of 25 years than he must not really want to marry you for the REST OF HIS LIFE!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hate-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:25bbc4d5-bb05-4237-a458-3fcd886f744aPost:c143ab1e-2a31-4120-a02e-2f877a93081d">Re: What to do when I HATE the BEST MAN?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I noticed your FI referred to his friends disrespectful comments as "jokes". </strong> I am pretty sure we have all met this person before...the insecure guy who makes disrespectful "jokes" at everyone's expense to make himself feel better about being a loser.  Maybe try feeling sorry for him and his pathetic self rather than getting mad about it. Either that or if your FI is not willing to lose his "friend" of 25 years than he must not really want to marry you for the REST OF HIS LIFE!
Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

<div>Even if it's meant to be a joke, the OP left the scene very upset. Her FI should have noticed, but then again, we as women often get in arguments with our SO's because they didn't notice that we were visibly upset, we got a haircut, they weren't listening, etc. OP told her FI that she was upset. It's his job to now at least lay dow the law with his friend that his comments were out of line. The fact that he doesn't want to because it'll ruin his friendship with the bm is so telling.</div>

Beachy730

I think every PP has gotten it right.  No you can't pick his groomsmen, but you have every right to object to a BM that can't even muster the respect to be cordial to you.  I wouldn't want someone standing right next to my FI at the altar (I just picture the movie Wedding Crashers where he keeps saying "don't do it" in his ear) and signing as a witness to our wedding who blatantly disrespects me. 

The greater issue is between you and your FI.  As hard as it is to hear this is a very bad sign for you.  And saying that he just won't hang out with you both together is not a solution at all.  I think you have every right to demand that he pick another BM.  And if he has already asked him, then he needs to have a serious talk with this guy and tell him the first time he disrespects you during any of the wedding functions or anything that he is out of the wedding and not even invited.  I don't care if he's been friends with him for 25 years or 25 days; anyone that disrespects his soon to be wife like that is going to be a poison to your relationship with your FI.