Mothers!

ceh1976

Just checking to see if anyone knows how to deal with a mother like mine! She's...not the most supportive of mothers, and not because she doesn't like my FI, she does a lot actually.  But she has been described as "mean as a snake" and is the most angry, selfish, controlling women I have ever known!  I've had a relatively short engagement, about 5 months, because of timing reasons, and during this time, she's been in Arizona while I live in Illinois (and she's been remodeling her house in AZ!) now she keeps telling everyone but me how 'she's nothing but a guest at her own daughter's wedding" and is extremely difficult to work with.  What she really wants is to plan the entire thing HER way as she is extremely controlling.  I've basically got the whole thing done as it is relatively small and simple wedding.  Now I need some "ideas" that I can give her to work on to make her feel included but am not sure exactly what I need for the actual wedding day.  Any thoughts or suggestions on how to handle the lady would be appreciated!

baystateapple

The MOB isn't really supposed to do that much.  I'm always amazed at how many MOBs are so controlling.  My own mother basically said "Let me know where you want me to be and what you want me to wear, and when."  And that's it.  Sometimes it makes me a little sad that she's not as involved, and sometimes (like now) I consider it a blessing.

The next time you hear your mom say something like that, say, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel this way.  Is there any aspect of the wedding that you really would like to be involved in planning?"  And put the ball in her court.  If she gets huffy and denies it, well then, you've tried.  If she starts trying to control something in a way you don't want it, say "Oh, that's a wonderful idea, but we've already booked the photographer that we want."  Let her plan aspects of the day that relate to her -- like helping pick out her corsage or bouquet of flowers.  Ask if she wants a special song played during the reception, such as their own first dance.  Ask to take her shopping for her MOB dress.  You don't need to let her step on your toes with the planning, but this way, you're controlling how much she's involved in, while making her feel a part of the planning process.  GL!

suz62984

You mean my mom has other kids somewhere? Just kidding. Seriously she's been called "mean as a snake" before. Some of my family members used to tell me that I was "Satin's spawn" when I was younger. Fortunately, my mom and I have the same ideas about the wedding so we aren't clashing.

If she's making these comments to others, and not you, she is just trying to draw attention to herself. I would ignore it and simply ask her opinion on the things you have left. Maybe you guys could go to the spa for nails and hair to bond (and shut her up). I will note that if she is helping to pay both of you should have made sure she was more involved, even from AZ.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mothers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:25da5437-c1ba-43de-be1e-7ba16128836ePost:ca42bcf9-38d3-4de6-985d-9c7bb135382c">Re: Mothers!</a>:
[QUOTE] The next time you hear your mom say something like that, say, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel this way.  Is there any aspect of the wedding that you really would like to be involved in planning?"  And put the ball in her court.  Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

If you mom is like mine, and she sounds like it, then this is to open of a question. Telling her that something is a wonderful idea, but that you have already planned it will only fuel the fire. She will be even more pissed than she is now. I would just keep it to her helping with the things you have left on your to do list.

ceh1976

Thanks for the advice.  My FI believes that it is all a ploy to get attention to her as she is usually the one running the show.  While all good suggestions, every time I bring up something like a spa day together or something similar, I get a response like "I'm not going to do that!"  and for the reception, I was initially telling how much a dj is for how many hours and she replied "I hope you don't think I'm going to be at your reception for 5 hours!"  Re the bridal shower "You don't EXPECT ME to actually come to that!" Yeah that's my mom.... so basically it doesn't really seem to matter what I offer, it's never good enough unless its the whole thing.  I'm pretty much preparing for her to get 'offended' somehow and either not show up at all (which she won't do because she'll have to save face in front of her friends she's invited) or not speaking to me at all the day of.  Fortunately the rest of the family knows she's completely  mad and difficult and have promised to run interference.... until then I need "projects'" she can work on from afar.   Any type of decoration ideas that would be good to assign to her?

gmeissne

I know what you mean! My mom isnt speaking to me right now because she said she is trying to be supportive but all I do is shoot all of her ideas down and that I am being disrespectful! My dad and my stepmother have had to talk to my mom because she is so out of control about it! I don't know what to do with her! At this point, I dont want her involved! It's just that much more stress! Just rally around those who ARE being supportive, and let your mom say what she wants. Frankly, it is YOUR day, and when your guests come to your wedding, they won't be thinking about your mom, they will thinking about how beautiful you and your husband are!

aerinpegadrak

My out-of-state mom had a similar concern, that she was just going to be a guest, and that there was something that she was supposed to be doing that wasn't getting done.  I repeatedly assured her that I hardly had anything to do, let alone her.  I ended up asking her to make a batch of my favorite cookies for our dessert bar (which ended up being just the cake and those cookies); it wasn't too taxing or expensive, it was something she could easily do from a distance and bring on the plane, and it wouldn't cause a clash of our tastes.

What are her talents?  If she sews, maybe you can ask her to make a special tablecloth for the cake table, or make your rehearsal dress?  If she's scrapbooky, maybe she can put together a guest book for you?  Would you be comfortable asking her to make the confirmation calls to the vendors a few days before the wedding (since nothing should be able to be changed at that point)?  What about the RD, is that done?  Would she be interested in hosting a post-wedding brunch?  After all, she could plan those parties any way she wants without it really reflecting on you.

DavidandAmyClark

Aerin has lots of good suggestions, what if you put her in charge of getting you or making you the guest book?  Or do favors? (The favors things worked really well for some friends of mine who were in the same situation recently.) 

If she turns you down, at least you tried, and I would tell her that.  If she doesn't like your suggestions then ask her what she wants..... although if she isn't saying this to you directly and going on to others about it, then it may be an attentions ploy or a guilt trip for you and I would ignore it. Honestly.  If someone told me about it again, just say "Well she has never told me that, it's not really an issue."
Cause if she hasn't told you, than its not an issue.  Its sounds like she is getting you to play her little game.