HELP!!! Am I over reacting?!

bfstacy

Okay, first of all I only have a month before my wedding!

I'm trying to decide whether I'm just over reacting and being a bridezilla or if there is some reasoning in my feelings. I need to decide if I can ask one of my girls to step down from being a bridesmaid.

Since I've been engaged, she has declined to help me pick out flowers, look at dresses, pick out jewlrey/gifts, or to even help with any of the hectic planning process. She was furious with me when I didn't want to get hammered at my bachlorette party. She seems to have total disregard for what I want for my wedding or a party for me...she's acting like its a party for her by doing what she wants and how she would want things done.

She has not communicated with me at all about anything, and then when she finally picks up on how upset I am, she goes behind my back and talks to my mom (who God bless her, has more patience for doing the right thing no matter what the cost) is encouraging me to suck it up and deal.

Oh yes, and a little more background. this BM who insisted on throwing the bachlorette party actually didn't do anything. A friend and I threw it together last minute bc invites were already out and BM just hadn't gotten around to it. She also flipped out on me when I asked her to be a BM bc she wanted to be MOH instead!  Then, instead of reaming into her (like I would so love to do) I told her we obviously really need to sit down and hash things out, responds to me "i guess...maybe".

I'm running out of time! What do I do?

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Okay, first of all I only have a month before my wedding!

I'm trying to decide whether I'm just over reacting and being a bridezilla or if there is some reasoning in my feelings. I need to decide if I can ask one of my girls to step down from being a bridesmaid.[/QUOTE]
Answer: No.
[QUOTE]Since I've been engaged, she has declined to help me pick out flowers, look at dresses, pick out jewlrey/gifts, or to even help with any of the hectic planning process.[/QUOTE]
She is well within her rights here.
[QUOTE]She was furious with me when I didn't want to get hammered at my bachlorette party. She seems to have total disregard for what I want for my wedding or a party for me...she's acting like its a party for her by doing what she wants and how she would want things done. [/QUOTE]
She has the right to plan the party as she sees fit if she is hosting it, and you have the right to decline it if you're not a fan of the idea.  It sucks that she's not taking your tastes into account, but I'm guessing she's usually like that.  One of my BMs came to my laid back bachelorette bonfire with a sparkly tiara because "if we're not going out you at least <em>have </em>to have this" and a bachelorette gift that I quickly pretended didn't exist.  The rest of my friends were saying "um, she knows you're not into glitter and stuff right?" but it didn't really surprise me - that's just how she is.
[QUOTE]She has not communicated with me at all about anything, and then when she finally picks up on how upset I am, she goes behind my back and talks to my mom (who God bless her, has more patience for doing the right thing no matter what the cost) is encouraging me to suck it up and deal. [/QUOTE]
I don't understand what she needs to communicate with you about.
[QUOTE]Oh yes, and a little more background. this BM who insisted on throwing the bachlorette party actually didn't do anything. A friend and I threw it together last minute bc invites were already out and BM just hadn't gotten around to it.[/QUOTE]
You should not have planned your own bachelorette.  Again, it sucks that she didn't follow through, but I'm guessing she's normally like this, right?  My sister planned my bachelorette in maybe a day after consulting with me for ideas (ie. don't plan something she couldn't attend because she's not 21 since half of those invited do not currently drink, and take budgets into account since a couple people had concerns about that with something like a spa day).
[QUOTE]She also flipped out on me when I asked her to be a BM bc she wanted to be MOH instead!  Then, instead of reaming into her (like I would so love to do) I told her we obviously really need to sit down and hash things out, responds to me "i guess...maybe". [/QUOTE]
It was wrong of her to flip out, but it's also inappropriate to say "this is why you are not my MOH."  Just telling her "Jane is my MOH, but I'd really love for you to be a BM" after the flip out would have been plenty.
[QUOTE]I'm running out of time! What do I do?[/QUOTE]
Try to stop overreacting.  Have a date night, grab a bubblebath, have some wine while reading a good book.

frogurt814

Ditto everything that everyone else has already said.

You are out of line.  You cannot kick someone out of your wedding unless you are ready to end your friendship with that person.

slubkin

Yes, you are overreacting.  Your mother is wise- you should suck it up and deal with it.

lisalou402

My MOH had a huge binder for her wedding with pages and papers all over the place.  I have a tiny 7x5 note book where i have everything.  I used it as an analogy about how we felt about planning our weddings. It's only as big as you make it.

There are things that i get....I haven't asked my BMs/MOH to do any of the real planning, but anything i've asked them to do...i.e. go for my hair trial to have a second opinion, or to have them see my dress before i  purchased, they've done.
The stuff regarding the actual wedding, me and FI have done.  I also have no one helping me other than FI, so they are all trying to be surrogate moms/sisters.

I agree with the PP who stated you should have a glass of wine and a bubble bath.  Chill out.

duckie1905

You need a Red Wine IV, stat.

trix1223

Yes.  You're overreacting.  For all of the reasons listed above.

Istremene

Yes, you are over reacting though people have probably already said this.

swissarmymelody

Chill out and remember the real reason of your wedding. Everything else is just a bonus.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Where did I say I ended the friendship? I didn't. It just really made me mad that she did that without my knowledge (and everyone who knew about it agreed with me), especially since I could have just picked out a style and had them buy it instead of giving them some leeway[/QUOTE]
Asking a BM to "step down," which you said would not have been inappropriate in your case, is typically a friendship ending move because it is extremely hurtful to the BM being requested to step down.

[QUOTE]And where did I say showers are a necessity? I know showers aren't obligatory, but it's just a nice thing to do. I'm done with this, I have better things to do than carry on pointless arguments.
Posted by KJo1016[/QUOTE]
Re-read your last paragraph in your previous post.  Based on what you said there, it sounds as though you're upset that your BMs did not plan a shower even though your family did - even though they aren't obligated to do so.  It also sounded as though you were upset about the possibility of not having a shower had your family not planned it.

bablingbrooke

Um, KJo, she didn't say you did.  She said that by booting her you would have ended the friendship.  Which would be ridiculous to do over something this silly--it would have definitely been overreacting.  Get a grip.  Don't believe everything the wedding industry tells you.  Even with a mismatched dress, you would still have been married and still have had a wonderful wedding.  Gain some perspective.  Sounds like you could use it.

And starting off your post about how everyone here is wrong and you're going to get chewed out is not a great first impression.  Just sayin'.

ETA: Gotta, I would have been upset if no one had thrown me a shower, either.  I don't think anyone disputes that it would suck.  But I agree that no bride has the right to take the BMs behind the woodshed and ream into them for not throwing one.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-over-reacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:26a9831c-9542-4aa8-86c5-cd31a7853cf1Post:d4a77546-5e75-4d0b-8143-ae5c022f71a0">Re: HELP!!! Am I over reacting?!</a>:
[QUOTE]ETA: Gotta, I would have been upset if no one had thrown me a shower, either.  I don't think anyone disputes that it would suck.  But I agree that no bride has the right to take the BMs behind the woodshed and ream into them for not throwing one.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
No one offered to throw me a shower, mainly because all of my female guests were so scattered that it would have been impossible.  Was I disappointed?  A little.  "Upset" would have been a massive overstatement, though.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]ETA: Gotta, I would have been upset if no one had thrown me a shower, either.  I don't think anyone disputes that it would suck.  But I agree that no bride has the right to take the BMs behind the woodshed and ream into them for not throwing one.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
Oops, when I say "upset" I usually mean upset as in holding it against the people who it's assumed would have thrown the event or angry with someone about it.  Being bummed/disappointed about it is absolutely reasonable, IMO.

It's that point where you go from being disappointed because it would have been a nice thing to have thrown for you to being upset with individuals or a group of people for not having done something that is not obligatory where I think the line between reasonable and unreasonable is crossed.  Or feeling entitled to have the party even if no one wanted to volunteer to plan/host it.

whirlybird27

As my grandma use to say...if you have to ask...

lizzi97

This sounds like something that I would actually see on Bridezillas (yes, I watch it. It's a guilty pleasure). And many times, the bridesmaids and other wedding party members that are treated poorly mention in their "confessionals" with the camera that they do not intend on speaking with the bride for a long time (or at all!) after the wedding. All that to say, I agree with PPs. Unless you never want to speak with her again, just relax. It's not worth all the stress and the loss of a friendship.