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What's the right thing for me to do as an MoH?

New here - hope this board doesn't mind the lack of an intro post, and hope I'm posting in the right place.
I've been agonizing over a situation that's come up between myself and one of my close friends over the past couple of weeks. My friend, who lives about 2 hours away, asked me to be her MoH as soon as she got engaged, last July. Without thinking as much as I probably should have, I told her I'd be happy to do it. A month later, I started working a job that has crazy hours, and two months after that, my SO and I started dating. So though I wasn't crazy-busy when she first asked me, my life has gotten really hectic since then.
She and her fiance are planning to get married sometime in the spring of 2011, and she started planning in March/April -- but she's already stressing out like crazy. She asked me to come visit her so that we could pick out dresses, and I spent the weekend with her; however, she started panicking and feeling overwhelmed and canceled our appointment at the dress shop the morning we were supposed to go. We did a little window-shopping at David's Bridal, but she had already told me that she wanted her BMs to be classy and that I should expect to be paying around $400 for my attire, $500 with accessories.
Since then, we haven't talked much, and she's been upset with me lately for my lack of communication.

I've been trying so hard to not take offense at some of the things she's been saying or doing, but I'm starting to feel upset. On one hand, I do feel like a bad friend for being so out of touch, but on the other hand, I feel like I hardly know my friend anymore. She expects me to use what equates to an entire paycheck for my wedding attire without considering what I can afford, and I feel like she was inconsiderate of my time when I took off work to come visit her to do actual wedding planning that will have to be made up later. I don't know how to explain my frustrations to her because I'm sure she sees me as self-centered and inconsiderate because I've been so out of touch and distant.
How do you salvage a friendship when this kind of stuff gets in the way? I keep thinking it might be best if I stepped down from being MoH, but that might just be the last straw to her.
Any advice? What can/should I do to make this situation better and do the right thing as an MoH?

Edited for length.

Re: What's the right thing for me to do as an MoH?

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    stina93446stina93446 member
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    edited June 2010
    I can't read it all, it's too long....I stopped after her wedding date.

    You can do bm dresses later if you like. It's still pretty early. 

    Also, give a cliff notes version (very common for long posts) and I'll be happy to answer better.
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    Sorry, I should have put that it was long in the post title...
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    First, you haven't done anything wrong.  It's not a crime to have a life of your own during the year plus she's already been planning her wedding and the next 9 months until the wedding actually happens.

    Second, I'd tell her what you told us.  You have a busy life right now, you're sorry you haven't been more available, but that you hope she understands.  Remind her that her wedding is far away but when time comes you'll be there with bells on.  Tell her your budget for the dress; if she goes over that, she's in the wrong.

    Third, I'd ask yourself why you're even friends with this person.  She sounds insane.
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    I think the best thing to do, if it's feasible for you, is a visit in person where you have a heart-to-heart about it where you can tell her that you really do care about her and her wedding, you're sorry you've been hard to reach, etc, but that you are also concerned about her since she seems really stressed out and not herself.  It seems like there might be more going with her life than just you being hard to reach, so maybe if you present your concerns in a non-confrontational way she might feel comfortable enough to open up about whatever it is that's going on.
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    CN: OP is MOH, was asked a year ago and the wedding isn't for almost another year.  OP's life wasn't busy back then but is now.  Bride is pissed that MOH can't hold her hand during wedding planning.  Bride had a panic attack when MOH did travel to do dress shopping with her and they couldn't actually do anything wedding-related.  OP tried to explain to the bride why she isn't as available but bride thinks she's just making up excuses.  Bride is also picking out BM dresses w/o regard to her budget.
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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
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    edited June 2010
    The only thing I got out of that is that she thinks David's Bridal BM dresses arent classy, and that classy costs $500. I don't know if I could be friends with that chick. She has some seriously skewed perceptions of reality.
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    OP, your friend sounds AH-MAZ-ING! Yeah, you know I'm kidding. How heartless does a bride have to be?! She's not thinking about your budget or your life. 

    From what I've read on your post and the CN from brooke, I'd say you didn't do anything wrong. 

    Also, she's freaking ridiculous if she thinks that she needs to deal with your dress his far away.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
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    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whats-right-thing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:28b6d5d4-4054-42d4-a173-e21c803f19f7Post:6881f9fb-d50e-468c-8f34-196079941791">Re: What's the right thing for me to do as an MoH?</a>:
    [QUOTE] <strong>She's not thinking about your budget or your life.  </strong>
    Posted by stina93446<div>[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    Exactly what I was thinking, stina. </div><div>
    </div><div>You need to talk to your friend and explain that your new job is draining your time and that your budget for the dress is $XX amount. I'm hoping your friend is only have the "bridal crazies" and is not a self centered person that she is currently making herself out to be with her actions. Definitely discuss your problems with her because she really needs a reality check.</div>
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    Yeah she is definitely in the wrong. She is a major bridezilla. You need a serious heart to heart with her. Tell her that you're so honored to be her MOH but then voice your concerns. You need to tell her that you're on a budget and really need to stick to it and that you have a crazy life and can't commit the time it seems she wants from you. Personally I would tell her too that your friendship needs to be about more than her wedding too but that's me.

    Hopefully if she's a good friend she'll say "Oh my gosh thank you for telling me! I had no idea - obviously the most important thing is for you, my best friend to stand up with me. We will work within your budget and time schedule! Now what's new in your life?"

    Odds on whether she'll say that?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_whats-right-thing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:28b6d5d4-4054-42d4-a173-e21c803f19f7Post:3776943a-675d-4147-b0b4-0ea08dfac9bf">Re: What's the right thing for me to do as an MoH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Odds on whether she'll say that?
    Posted by pixiedust84[/QUOTE]
    There are better odds I'll be able to completely stop the oil spill in the Gulf by sticking my pinky toe into the hole.

    But, it's worth a shot... maybe she really doesn't realize what she's doing. Thats the thing with Bridezillas... often they're prefectly sane, sweet girls who go crazy nutso when it comes to their wedding. if you were friends with her before all this madness, surely that sane, sweet girl is still in there somewhere. Hopefully...
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    I think a heart to heart is in order here too.

    Just tell her, "Honey, I know you seem really stressed and I want to help with that.  I want to let you know that I can afford to spend X on a dress and shoes TOGETHER.  Let's shop for what works!"

    She's completely in the wrong to dictate your budget - set her straight now.
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    $500 for wedding attire is insane. I didn't spend that much for my dress, my MOH's dress, and our shoes combined. You should sit down with her and tell her exactly how much you can afford for the dress. If she wants anything else--certain shoes, jewelry, hair, etc--then she needs to pay for it because it's not in your budget.

    Other than that, why is she going dress shopping so early? She needs to chill out. Oh, and definitely don't let her talk you into some huge bach party blowout that she will definitely think she deserves. Only do what you can afford and don't feel bad about it.
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    $400 for a freakin' bridesmaid dress? 

    I spent $450 on my WEDDING GOWN.

    There is NO WAY I would be in this wedding.  My first move would be to put my foot down and say, "Unless you are willing to work out a more realistic budget for my attire, there is no way I can afford to be in this wedding."  And put the ball in her court.

    And if she fired me, I would probably throw a PARTY.  She is nuts.  You don't need that kind of expense as MOH.  Ridiculous.
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    As PPs have said, talk to her. If she flies off the handle, I'd say that unfortunately you can't be in her wedding because you clearly can't meet her standards of what an MOH should do (try not to choke on the snark when you say that one, haha).

    She's being crazy, and it's not your fault, but she's your friend, so it would be a shame if you just let her continue and let that keep frustrating you/driving you away rather than giving her a chance to be normal again.
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    If it were me, I would say "Bride, I love you, but there is no way I'm spending $400 on a dress for your wedding.  That's more than I spent on my wedding gown, and it's just not going to happen."
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    You are her MOH not her wedding planner.  Have a talk with her and set her straight.  A panic attack over dress shopping?  She seems to be taking things a bit too seriously.  It happens - sounds like she needs to learn to relax and actually enjoy the planning.  She is being inconsiderate by telling you how much you will spend on a dress for her wedding.  Definitely set her straight here.  The other BMs will thank you! 
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    If any bride told me that she expected me to spend $400 on a dress I'd laugh. And not even sarcastically, I would really think she was joking.
    You can be "classy" looking without spending that much money. That's ridiculous.
    You aren't in the wrong for having a life. Good for you to have gotten a new job. Good for you to have met your SO. You shouldn't have to put everything in your life aside for the sake of her wedding.
    You made your effort to look at dresses and she's the one who let it not happen.
    I agree with PP's. Tell her what your budget is, and let her know that (gasp) YOU have a busy life right now. How she deals with this is her call.

    To answer your post question- the right thing to do is buy a dress and show up as a supportive friend, smile in pictures... you know stuff friends do reasonably.
    She needs to cool it down, she's got time... I can't imagine how she'll be once the wedding actually gets close.
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